THE MOVIE SPOOF: THE MOVIE BY JOE WILKA FADE IN COLD VOICE It began, with the planting of twelve plants that would grant the gardener ultimate power. But they were all deceived, for there was another plant planted. One plant to rule them all and enslave the world. But the plant was lost for over a thousand years but was found again by the most unlikely person imaginable. A Jew named Zeus Paparazzi. But the time would soon come when the plant would decide the fate of all beings…or something like that…I think. INT. STAGE We see numerous feet tap dancing on the stage. NARRATOR Hello, I am the narrator. I am going to be here to help you understand the story and our characters. So let me just start out to say that intelligence and originality come nowhere into play here. We see ZEUS PAPARAZZI, a teenager, tap dancing on the stage. NARRATOR (CON’D) Ahh, that is Zeus Paparazzi. He’s the film’s hero. Now I know what you’re thinking, “How can a Jewish tap dancing idiot be the hero to one of the GREATEST movies of all time?” Well let me tell ya, this is not the greatest movie of all time and the writer was all up on dope and crack when he wrote the script. ZEUS I can hear ya you know. NARRATOR (Sarcastically) Oh no, now I’m in trouble. How about you go to a Passover meal or somethin’? ZEUS Hey! NARRATOR Oh ya gonna cry now? Ya big stupid Jew! Well anyways back to the story of this epic. We then see another tap dancer named XENA. NARRATOR (CON’D) Ahh that’s Xena, the chick that Zeus is after but he’s never gonna get any, ya know why? Because he’s a Jew! ZEUS Could we cut it out with the Jewish jokes please? NARRATOR Alright fine. ZEUS Thank you. There is a brief moment of silence. NARRATOR Jew! ZEUS Hey! NARRATOR I’m sorry, I’m done. There is another brief moment of silence. NARRATOR (CON’D) Jew! Jew! Jew! Jew! Jew! Jew! EXT. PAPRAZZI HOUSE – NIGHT We see Zeus open the door and enter his house. INT. PAPARAZZI HOUSE – LIVING ROOM We see Zeus walk into the living room. We see Zeus’s mother watering a very large and beautiful plant. ZEUS Hi Mom, how is Mia coming? ZEUS’S MOTHER Great, she will be the grandest plant in the entire town. Zeus and his mother stare at the plant. NARRATOR That was Mia, the Paparazzi family plant. They were expecting it to bloom any day now and their entire family’s reputation was riding on that it would bloom. Now remember what I just said, it’s a plot point. ZEUS What a beautiful plant. NARRATOR A Jewish plant. ZEUS Shut up! INT. PAPARAZZI HOUSE – BASEMENT – LIVING ROOM We see Zeus asleep on the couch in the basement. We then see a man dressed in black sneak into the basement through a window. The intruder stumbles on a group of metal garbage cans and creates a large ruckus. Zeus does not wake. The intruder then stands up and looks at the garbage cans with a confused look on his face. The intruder scratches his head and shrugs his shoulders. The intruder then resumes sneaking through the basement using acrobatics. The intruder then comes upon a cat. The cat hisses at the intruder. The intruder then puts his hands on the side of his head and sticks his tongue out at the cat. The cat then flies at the intruder and they begin fighting with each other. The fight all over the room knocking things over and breaking things and causes a giant disturbance. Zeus still does not wake up. The intruder than takes out a machine gun and begins blowing the cat away. The cat is still alive. CAT [Bullet-proof fur!] The intruder then pulls out a piece of shrimp and tosses it over in a corner. The cat then hurries over and eats it. The intruder then pulls out a handgun and walks over to the couch and points it at Zeus. Zeus awakens. ZEUS Who are you? INTRUDER I am your worst nightmare. ZEUS No, waking up without my penis is my worst nightmare. Zeus puts his hand down his pants and feels his testicles. ZEUS (CON’D) Oh thank Moses! INTRUDER Okay, so I’m not your worst nightmare but I am definitely up there. Now where is the plant? ZEUS It’s upstairs. INTRUDER Thank you. The intruder walks upstairs for a little bit and then comes back downstairs with the plant. The intruder is about to exit through the door before he turns to Zeus. The intruder pulls the trigger on the gun and a flag comes out that says “BANG!” INTRUDER Ha! Ha! Fooled you! The intruder then runs out of this house. Zeus gets up and looks out the door after him. ZEUS Damn you! Damn you all to hell! INT. PAPARAZZI HOUSE – LIVING ROOM We see Zeus and his mother upstairs grieving over the loss of the plant. ZEUS’S MOTHER We’re ruined, we are absolutely ruined. Looks like we are just gonna have to go on. ZEUS No! It was supposed to be for the family! ZEUS’S MOTHER Zeus calm down! ZEUS As Abraham as my witness, I will get Mia back and have my revenge! ZEUS’S MOTHER What? ZEUS I must go and speak with… Tito Baloney. ZEUS’S MOTHER No Zeus you musn’t! ZEUS But it must be done. EXT. PAPARAZZI HOUSE – BALCONY – SUNSET We see Zeus come walking out of the house and on to the balcony. Zeus looks out towards the setting sun and sees that there are two. ZEUS They’re didn’t use to be two. Zeus shrugs off this note and looks out towards the beauty of the sunset. After a few moments pass there is dead silence. Then Zeus passes gas and covers his face in embarrassment. INT. TITO BALONEY’S OFFICE We see a man, LUCA, talking to TITO BALONEY. LUCA Don Baloney, I would like to thank you for inviting to your godson’s circumcision. TITO Hey, anytime. NARRATOR Ahh, Don Tito Baloney, the most powerful man this side of the Mississippi. Let me just tell ya this much folks, you don’t wanna be on his bad side. He’s got a nasty second cousin named Jon Diovanni. TITO Next. Luca exits and Zeus enters. TITO Ahh, Zeus Paparazzi, what can I do for my favorite godson today? Zeus sits down in a chair. Tito’s son, DARKY, does not like this. DARKY Did he say you could sit? TITO Hey take it easy Darky. DARKY Let me kill him Dad! Let me kill him! TITO Go get yourself a drink. Darky exits. TITO (CON’D) As you can see, my sons talk when they aren’t supposed to. ZEUS It’s understandable. TITO Yeah whatever, now what is it that you wanted? ZEUS Me and my family have always believed in the American way of life. When we came here from Jerusalem we became citizens of the free world. Now last night my family’s honor was stolen, our royal plant, my mother and I agreed that we must come to see Don Baloney for justice! TITO What is it you would like me to do? ZEUS I want to know where I can find the thief. TITO And why should I do this? You come in during the middle of my godson’s circumcision… We hear the scream of a little boy from the background. LITTLE BOY (O.V.) Mommy! TITO (CON’D) Not once have you ever invited me to your house for dinner, you never once ever thought to call me Godfather. I would like to be treated as a friend, if this had already transpired the man who stole your flower… ZEUS Plant. TITO Flower…plant…whatever. What I’m trying to say is that the man that stole it would be suffering this minute. ZEUS I apologize Don Baloney. TITO Forget it, you’re Jewis. NARRATOR Yeah he is! TITO I think I know who might have taken your family’s flo… plant. I will have him attend a poker game tonight at the club “JESUS”, you can find him there. ZEUS Thank you Don Baloney, you are most kind. Just one question. TITO Yes? ZEUS How will you make him attend the poker game? TITO I’ll make him an offer he won’t refuse. ZEUS I see. Well thank you Don Baloney. Zeus exits the office. TITO It would be easier if I just cut off a horse’s head and stuck it in this thief’s bed. EXT. ROAD – NIGHT We see Zeus riding on his bike down a lonely road. An idea then pops into Zeus’s head. Zeus beings pedaling faster and faster, Zeus quickly gains momentum. Zeus’s bike then lifts off the pavement and goes flying through the air. NARRATOR It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Super-Jew! Zeus then flies by the moon. Zeus then turns to the audience. ZEUS Yeah! Zeus then lands right outside the club JESUS. INT. JESUS CLUB – NIGHT Zeus walks by groups of Christians. Zeus is then touched by a crucifix and it burns his hand. CHRISTIAN #1 The power of Christ compels you. INT. JESUS CLUB – POKER ROOM We see at a poker table playing are a gardener, a Jedi, an Irish gypsy, and a John Wayne impersonator. JEDI (To John Wayne Impersonator) You want to fold. JOHN WAYNE IMPERSONATOR I want to fold. GARDENER Hey, no mind tricks at the table. JEDI What I say? JOHN WAYNE IMPERSONATOR I think I’ll take two. The John Wayne Impersonator lays two cards down on the table. JOHN WAYNE IMPERSONATOR (CON’D) Hey ya pilgrim, take those cards…outta here. JEDI Alright, call. The four lay their cards down. IRISH GYPSY Ah! Iwin! GARDENER What? IRISH GYPSY IsaidIwin. GARDENER You say you won? IRISH GYPSY That’swhatIsaid, doyaneeditrepeated? GARDENER I have a full house, you only have a two pair, I should win. IRISH GYPSY Wellifyourplayintheconventionalway. I’lltellyawhat, I’llletyakeepyourwanksack, I’lltakethechipsandwecalliteven, cuztheseladsdontwontknowtheredoin’. The gardener, MARIO, leans over to the Jedi. MARIO Do you have any idea what he just said? The Jedi shakes his head. The Irish gypsy then grabs all the chips. IRISH GYPSY Apleasuredoinabusiness! Zeus enters the room. ZEUS Is there room for one more? IRISH GYPSY Takemyspotladmecashingout. The Irish gypsy walks out and Zeus has a confused look on his face. MARIO But first you must know the rules. First rule about poker game, you don’t talk about poker game. Second rule about poker game, you don’t talk about poker game. ZEUS Didn’t you just say that was the first rule? MARIO Yes, I did. ZEUS Then why would it be the second rule too? MARIO Hey, are these your rules? No! Didn’t think so! Now come in and sit down. JOHN WAYNE IMPERSONATOR Hey pilgrim, you can sit down…right there. Zeus comes in and sits down. NARRATOR As the game went on and on Zeus and the gardener, which we know his name as Mario, got into a conversation about plants. ZEUS So you are into plants I hear. MARIO Of course, I’m a gardener. ZEUS I am very interested in plants myself. MARIO I have quite a collection, would you like to come over and see it? ZEUS Yes I would. MARIO Well then come to my apartment, 204 at “Shady Lakers Apartments”. My son DOPA will let you in. ZEUS Sounds like a plan. JOHN WAYNE IMPERSONATOR Well boys it’s time for me to ride on outta here, I’m broke. JEDI So am I, the force has not been favorable to me tonight. MARIO I guess I should go too. ZEUS Me too. Zeus and Mario both stand up. Zeus grabs Mario’s face. ZEUS (CON’D) I knew it was you Mario, you broke my heart. Zeus kisses Mario. ZEUS (CON’D) You broke my heart! Zeus then runs out. NARRATOR What a weird Jew. INT. CLUB JESUS Zeus walks into the main area and sees Xena. Zeus walks over to Xena. ZEUS Xena. XENA Oh hi Zeus. ZEUS I need to talk to you. XENA Alright. INT. LIVING ROOM We see Zeus and Xena sitting on a couch by the fireside. ZEUS Ever since I met you, all those days ago, not a day has gone by when I haven’t thought of you. And now that I’m with you I’m in agony… I can’t breathe! XENA Wait a second! When did we meet? ZEUS You remember don’t you? It was about eight years ago in the park. EXT. PARK – AFTERNOON We see a little girl, young Xena, sitting on the ground playing with a doll. We then see a young Zeus approach and sits down next to her. YOUNG ZEUS Hiiii! YOUNG XENA Hiiii! YOUNG ZEUS What’s your name? YOUNG XENA My name’s Xena, what’s yours? YOUNG ZEUS My name’s Zeus…are you Jewish? YOUNG XENA No, my mommy thinks there are too many laws. YOUNG ZEUS My mommy thinks it’s very necessary. How old are you? YOUNG XENA I’m six. YOUNG ZEUS I’m six and a half. YOUNG XENA I’m six and three-quarters. YOUNG ZEUS I’m six and four-fifths. YOUNG XENA I’m six and infinity. YOUNG ZEUS I’m six and infinity…plus one! Young Xena pulls out a SNICKERS bar. YOUNG XENA Hey you want a candy bar? YOUNG ZEUS I better not, my mommy says chocolate isn’t very kosher. Xena opens it and takes a bite. YOUNG XENA Mmmm, it’s really good. YOUNG ZEUS You’re the devil! INT. LIVING ROOM We then move back into present time. ZEUS Anyways, I am haunted by the tap dance that you should never have shown. My heart is beating, hoping that that dance will not become a scar, what can I do? I will do anything you ask. XENA We can’t, it’s just not possible. ZEUS Anything is possible Xena, listen to me… Xena gets off the couch. XENA No you listen! We live in a real world! Come back to it! You’re a Jew, I’m a Catholic. ZEUS But I love you. XENA Love doesn’t matter. Zeus springs to his feet. ZEUS What do you mean? Love is like oxygen, love is many splendid thing, love lifts us up where we belong, all you need is love! XENA What? Zeus starts singing. ZEUS All you need is love. XENA Come again. ZEUS All you need is L-o-o-O-v-e. Xena starts singing. XENA Love is just a game. ZEUS I was made for lovin’ you baby and you were made for lovin’ me. XENA The only way you’ll be gettin’ any lovin’ from me baby is to change your ancestry. ZEUS In the name of love! One night in the name of Love! XENA You cheesy fool; I won’t have sex with you. ZEUS No, don’t leave me this way, I can’t survive without your sweet love, oh baby, don’t leave me this way. XENA You think the people would have had enough of unoriginal movie spoofs. ZEUS I look at the box-office receipts and I see it isn’t so. XENA Why do some writer/directors wanna fill the world with unoriginal movie spoofs? ZEUS Well what’s wrong with that? I’d like to know, cuz here I go. Zeus jumps up on the couch. ZEUS (CON’D) Love lifts us up where we belong! Where eagles fly! On a mountain high! XENA Love makes us act like we are fools; throw our lives away for one happy day. ZEUS We can be heroes! XENA You, you are a Jew. ZEUS So!?! XENA And I… I’ll make fun of you all the time. ZEUS We should be lovers! XENA We can’t do that. ZEUS We should be lovers and that’s a fact. XENA Though nothing will keep us together. ZEUS & XENA We can steal time, just for one day. We can be heroes forever and ever! We can be heroes just because I-i-i-I will always love you-u-U! And I can’t help but loving… ZEUS How wonderful life is, now you’re in the world. Zeus and Xena are about to kiss. XENA No! I won’t fall for that cheesy-singy-bull crap! Xena walks away. ZEUS Holy angry Catholic chick Batman! NARRATOR Ha! Ha! You suck! ZEUS Shut up! EXT. MARIO’S APARTMENT – DOORWAY – DAY Zeus knocks on the door and it opens and we see Mario’s son, DOPA, standing in the doorway. ZEUS Ahh, you must be Dopa. Is your father here? DOPA Yep. ZEUS May I see him? DOPA Nope. A confused look comes on Zeus’s face. He then pulls out a binder and on the cover it reads “THE MOVIE SPOOF: THE MOVIE SCRIPT”. Zeus opens the script and hands it to Dopa. Dopa begins reading it. ZEUS You’re supposed to say “yes, you can see him”. DOPA Oh… right. Zeus puts the script away. ZEUS So, can I see your father? DOPA Yes, you can see my father. ZEUS Thank you. Zeus walks inside the apartment. INT. MARIO’S APARTMENT Zeus walks by a closet and we can see inside what seems to look like a plant. Zeus does not notice it. INT. MARIO’S APARTMENT – LIVING ROOM We then see Mario come out of the bedroom. We see a large assortment of plants against the wall. MARIO Ahh, hello Zeus. ZEUS [In a British accent] Hello Mario. MARIO Why are you talking in a British accent? ZEUS It’s for effect. MARIO I see. ZEUS You’re plants are very impressive you must be very proud. MARIO I’m just a simple gardener trying to make my way in the universe. ZEUS Ever made your way as far as the Paparazzi house? MARIO Once or twice. ZEUS Recently? MARIO Possibly. ZEUS Then you must know of my family’s royal plant. MARIO (To Dopa) Dopa, [In another language, Close the F@%king door!] Dopa closes the closet door that reveals the plant “Mia”. MARIO (CON’D) Plant? ZEUS We call it “Mia”. MARIO Never heard of it. ZEUS Really? MARIO I get all my plants from greenhouses. ZEUS Curious. MARIO How do you like my plants? ZEUS I look forward to seeing them bloom. MARIO They’ll do their job well. ZEUS Thank you for your time Mario. Zeus exits and walks by a table with a little black book on it. Zeus uses the force and the book flies into Zeus’s hands. Zeus then exits. DOPA What is it Dad? MARIO Pack your things; we’re leaving for the fortress. EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD – AFTERNOON We see a large school by a football field. We then see Mario and Dopa come walking up carrying suitcases. MARIO This’ll do nicely. DOPA It looks just like a school to me. MARIO What’s your point? INT. FORTRESS – MARIO’S BEDROOM We see Mario and a gypsy named ALFALFA staring at Mia. ALFALFA What is it you would like me to do? MARIO Alfalfa, I would like for you to tell me what is so important about this plant. ALFALFA It was created by the dark lord…hmm, riddles in the dark. Alfalfa looks closer at the plant and sees at the bottom on the vase there is Hebrew writing. MARIO What is that writing on there? I can’t read it. ALFALFA There are few who can. It is the language Hebrew, which I will not utter here. In the common tongue it says “One plant to rule them all, one plant to find them, one to bring them all together and in the darkness bind them”. MARIO Oookaaayy. INT. MEETING ROOM We around a large circular table Zeus and eleven other Jews sitting. ZEUS Jews of the round table, you have been all called here to answer threat of Mario, this fate is for all there are none who can escape it, unite or you shall fall. Bring forth the ring, David. We see a Jew sitting at the other end of the table named DAVID. David pulls out a golden ring and sets it in the center of the table. Then another Jew named PETER takes out a sledge hammer. PETER The ring must be destroyed! Peter prepares to swing the hammer down on the ring. Then another Jew named MATTHIAS jumps out at Peter and stops him. MATTHIAS Peter! Are you crazy?!? It is a gift! A gift to the foes of Mario, let us use it against him! The other members of the table all agree to the idea. David picks up the ring and holds it out to Zeus. DAVID You must take the ring to Mario. ZEUS No! DAVID Take it! ZEUS You cannot offer me this ring! DAVID I’m giving it to you! ZEUS Don’t tempt me David! Well… okay what the hell? Zeus takes the ring and stares into it. ZEUS (CON’D) My preciousss. Zeus then puts the ring in his pocket. MATTHIAS You must now decide our next course of action. ZEUS Matthias is right. Tomorrow at mid-afternoon we will march towards Mario’s castle and I will use the ring to become invisible and sneak into his fortress undetected. PETER Well that sounds good to me! MATTHIAS But how will we find the castle? ZEUS Already thought about that. (Zeus pulls out the little black book) It says in here that Mario will be having a meeting tomorrow with one of his war captains. PETER So? ZEUS So we go to the meeting and the bug the conversation so we may discover the location of Mario’s castle. ALL THE JEWS Oooohhhh. NARRATOR Now is just me or does this all seem awfully familiar? I told you this was movie unoriginal. EXT. PARK – AFTERNOON We see Mario sitting on a bench with his war captain. We then see Zeus standing around with a walkie-talkie. ZEUS This Big Daddy, calling all units. We cut to where we see David playing on a playground holding a walkie-talkie. DAVID Gabe-a-ling-ding-a-ling standing by. We cut to Matthias who is throwing a baseball against a fence. MATTHIAS G-string-corner-pimp standing by. We cut Peter who is holding a bough a leaves making in camouflaged. PETER Blind-roofer standing by. ZEUS Mr. T check in…Mr. T! We cut to Mr. T. MR. T Whatchyou want fool!?! We cut back to Zeus. ZEUS Alright everybody move into position. We need to hear every word. We see the events of this scene through split screens. MATTHIAS I got ‘em. We then see a baseball come flying out of nowhere and hit Matthias in the groin. Matthias clutches his testicles and falls to the ground. MATTHIAS (CON’D) I’m hit! I’m hit! ZEUS Gabe-a-ling-ding-a-ling, we got a man down, go and pick up G-string-corner-pimp. Blind roofer, you’re gonna need to go in close. Peter slowly walks right up to the bench and holds up his walkie-talkie picking up Mario and the war captains voices. Mario and the war captain do not notice Peter due to his bough of leaves. We then cut to David running up to Matthias. David grabs Matthias’s arms and begins dragging him away. MATTHIAS No, forget about me! I’m done for! DAVID No, leave no man behind! Zeus then hears from the conversation between Mario and the war captain. WAR CAPTAIN Where is your fortress Mario? MARIO It is just off of 6th street, it’s a school. WAR CAPTAIN I see. ZEUS Calling all units, we got the location of the fortress, everybody move out! Zeus runs off and we then see Peter running off still holding his bough of leaves. Mario looks back at the running spies. MARIO Did you notice something weird? WAR CAPTAIN Nah. MARIO Okay. INT. ZEUS’S BEDROOM We see Zeus wielding a lightsaber and we then see a remote hovering around him. The remote fires a laser blast at Zeus and he deflects it. Matthias then enters. ZEUS How are your nuts? MATTHIAS Fine, what are you doing? ZEUS I’m practicing my lightsaber skills. MATTHIAS Why? ZEUS To impress the audience with our special effects capabilities. Zeus looks into the camera and nods with a smile. Zeus then misses a laser blast and it hits him. ZEUS (CON’D) Ah! MATTHIAS I suggest you try it again Zeus, but this time let go your conscious self, and act on instinct. Matthias puts a bag over Zeus’s head. ZEUS I can’t see a thing! MATTHIAS Your eyes can deceive you, don’t trust them. Zeus then prepares to deflect a blast. Then the remote fires three blasts at Zeus and he misses them all. ZEUS Owww! Zeus pulls off the bag. ZEUS (CON’D) What are you trying to kill me!?! INT. MARIO’S FORTRESS – BEDROOM We see Mario speaking with his war captains. MARIO Now tomorrow at mid-afternoon Zeus and his army of Jews will march towards our castle. We must be prepared. WAR CAPTAIN You know this? How? MARIO I have seen it. Dopa hands the war captain a video cassette. WAR CAPTAIN The Movie Spoof: The Movie!?! How did you get this? MARIO Even the wisest cannot tell. WAR CAPTAIN What happens at the end? MARIO Oh I didn’t watch the end. WAR CAPTAIN Why not? MARIO I just didn’t have time. WAR CAPTAIN Well then I’ll watch it and then we can be prepared. Mario snatches the tape from the war captain’s hands. MARIO No! I’m not gonna have you spoil the ending for me like when you told me the ship sank in Titanic! WAR CAPTAIN It was based on a true story! Everybody knew the Titanic sank! MARIO (Sarcastically) Surrrrre. EXT. MARIO’S FORTRESS – AFTERNOON We see a large army of Jews in front of the fortress ready to charge. We then see Zeus at the front wearing a brown leather jacket, a hat, and holding a whip. Zeus cracks the whip. ZEUS (To himself) I think we’re gonna need a bigger boat. We then see Xena approach Zeus. XENA Zeus. ZEUS Xena, what are you doing here? XENA I need to talk to you. ZEUS Can’t you see that I am a little busy? XENA Just real quick. ZEUS Holy Moses! Zeus and Xena walk off where their conversation cannot be heard. ZEUS (CON’D) What is it Xena? XENA Zeus you cannot go into battle, you might be killed. ZEUS Xena, I gotta go lead that charge. If I don’t I’ll regret it, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow but… I got my own work I gotta do, where I go you can’t follow, what I do you can’t be any part of. XENA What about us? ZEUS We’ll always have tap-dancing class. And if we didn’t then we lost it somehow but then we got it back when he came down here to this battlefield. Tears begin to roll down Xena’s cheeks. Zeus puts his hand on her cheek. ZEUS (CON’D) Here’s lookin’ at you kid. Zeus smiles at Xena and runs back to the line. ZEUS (CON’D) Wish me luck! Zeus comes back to the line. We see the Jew in the middle holding up a flag that says “JEWS ARE KOSHER”. ZEUS (CON’D) If this Jew shall fall, who pick up the flag and take his place? David steps forward. DAVID I will. Zeus nods. ZEUS Sons of Abraham, I am Zeus Paparazzi. JEW #1 Zeus Paparazzi is seven feet tall. ZEUS Aye I’ve heard. Kills men by the hundreds, and if he were here, he’d rule the gods from Mount Olympus and throw lighting bolts from his hands. There is a chuckle amongst the army. ZEUS I am Zeus Paparazzi, and I see a whole army of my fellow Jews here in the defiance of thievery. You have come to fight as plant-loving Jews, and plant-loving Jews you are. What will you do without plants? Will you fight!?! The crowd goes “no”. JEW #1 You hear that? No! We will run and we will live. ZEUS Aye, fight and you may die, run and you’ll live, at least a while. But dying in your beds many years from now, would you be willing to trade all the days from this day to that for one chance, just one chance, to come back here to tell our enemies, that may take our lives, but they’ll never take my fricken plant!?! The crowd cheers. ZEUS (CON’D) Jews forever! Zeus then pulls the ring out of his pocket and puts it on and becomes invisible. NARRATOR Well that’s a neat trick, ain’t it? ZEUS Charge! Zeus, invisible, and the army of Jews run towards the castle and from the castle come Mario’s army. Both armies are equipped with frying pans and water bottles. The armies begin to engage and a large battle has they begin hitting each other on the head with their weapons. Meanwhile, Zeus sneaks through the lines and into the castle. INT. MARIO’S CASTLE Zeus comes walking quietly in cloaked by the ring’s power. He then sees a guard. Zeus rubs his hands together and laughs sinisterly. Zeus runs at the guard and begins fighting. ZEUS Hi-Ya! Zeus then jumps up in the air and stays still and continuously begins kicking the guard as if he was a punching bag. The guard is very confused being beaten by an invisible force. ZEUS (CON’D) Judo chop! Zeus hits the guard on the side of the neck and he falls unconscious. Another guard comes out and sees Zeus’s shadow. GUARD Ahh, I see your shadow Zeus Paparazzi, I know you are there. ZEUS Crap! GUARD Do you have the skills to match me? ZEUS I think I can handle it. GUARD Well if it’s one thing I disgust it’s a fair fight, but if I must then I must, may the best man win. Put ‘er there. The guard and Zeus go to shake hands. The guard then pulls the ring off the Zeus’s finger and Zeus becomes visible again. GUARD (CON’D) The ring! The ring! I can’t believe you fell for the oldest trick in the book, what a fool! Here let me give it back to you… The guard goes to give the ring back to Zeus but the guard then throws the ring up and it falls down a drain. GUARD (CON’D) Oh you fell for that too! What’s with you man, come on! ZEUS Let us stop with this charade and get on to the hand-to-hand fight scene. GUARD Very well. The guard prepares to fight. ZEUS I must warn you though, I know kung-fu. The two engage in a climatic battle with each other. Each attack each other and defending each other’s attacks. The battle is very quick paced and when you think one has the upper hand the tables turn. The guard then gets Zeus in a head lock and begins squeezing the air out of Zeus. GUARD Good-bye Mr. Paparazzi. ZEUS My name is Zeus! Zeus head butts the guard. Zeus spins around and sticks his hand inside the guard’s chest and pulls out his heart. Zeus puts the guard’s heart into a doggy bag and hands it back to the guard. The guard then falls down dead. ZEUS Now to the climatic finale. Zeus runs out of the room. INT. MARIO’S FORTRESS – GYMNASIUM We see Mario in the gymnasium tending Mia. Mario then looks up. MARIO Goblins! (sniffs) Four of them! Zeus comes running into the bedroom and sees Mia sitting by the window. ZEUS Mia! Mario turns around. MARIO Not so fast Zeus! Zeus sees Mario. ZEUS Mario! MARIO I cannot allow you to take that plant out of here. ZEUS Then I will battle you for it. MARIO Very well. Mario pulls out a lightsaber and ignites it. Zeus reaches for his lightsaber and cannot find it. ZEUS Oh crap, I forgot my lightsaber in the prop room. MARIO Sucks for you. NARRATOR Zeus! Zeus! ZEUS Who are you? NARRATOR Who do you think I am? I’m the fricken narrator! ZEUS Oh. NARRATOR Look! Zeus looks and sees a rack with two lightsaber on it with a sign above that reads “LIGHTSABERS FOR END BATTLE SEQUENCE”. ZEUS Ah ha. Zeus uses the force and pulls both the lightsabers to his hands and ignites them. MARIO Hey! No fair! You have two! ZEUS Well why don’t you cry about it? Saddle bags! Mario becomes furious and charges at Zeus. Zeus charges at Mario. Mario attacks furiously but Zeus parries every blow that Mario comes at him with. The fight is a feast for the eyes to watch as the two muster all of their skill and put on a spectacular fight. Mario then kicks one of the lightsabers out of Zeus’s hands. ZEUS Dick! MARIO Well allow me to truly test your skills. Mario pulls out a laser blaster and fires a blast at Zeus. Zeus deflects the laser blast. ZEUS Too easy. Mario fires another blast at Zeus. Zeus deflects back at Mario. Mario deflects the blast back at Zeus. Zeus and Mario continue deflecting the blast back at one another until it gets so fast that it is bouncing rapidly off the two’s lightsabers. Zeus then swings his lightsaber hard and the blast zooms across Mario’s head and cuts off a piece of his hair. MARIO Oh you’re in trouble now! Mario fires multiple blasts at Zeus but Zeus deflects them all with ease. Mario ceases fire. ZEUS Much to learn, you still have. MARIO Oh yeah!?! ZEUS Yeah! Mario then sends bolts of lighting at Zeus. Zeus absorbs the lightning and sends it back to Mario. Zeus and Mario then have lighting going back and forth between each other for a short period of time until Mario’s absorbs it and sends no more. MARIO It appears that we have reached a stalemate. ZEUS It appears so. MARIO Then let us finish this! EXT. BATTLEFIELD – AFTERNOON We see the Jews still in battle with Mario’s army. MATTHIAS We are beaten! VOICE (O.V.) Not so fast! We see someone come riding in on a bike with a helmet on concealing their face. The biker stops and pulls off his helmet revealing PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH. MATTHIAS Mr. President! PRESIDENT BUSH Folks call me W! MATTHIAS Thank Moses you came! PRESIDENT BUSH Well we got a lot of people here with weapons, must be a war, well looks like I better get involved in it. Now before we fight here we need to think this out strategically. MATTHIAS We’re already in battle. PRESIDENT BUSH Well looks like we’re gonna have to settle this the old Texas way. Execute all our enemies by gunshot to the head. President Bush pulls out a pistol and begins shooting people. INT. MARIO’S FORTRESS – GYMNASIUM Zeus and Mario then begin fighting each with one lightsaber. Even with one lightsaber Zeus still seams to come out as the better swordsman. Mario swings at Zeus. Zeus ducks and Mario hits the wall and sparks fly. ZEUS Shocking! Mario then swings at Zeus’s face. Mario’s lightsaber gets tangle in with Zeus’s braces and sparks starts flying everywhere. ZEUS (CON’D) It’s electrifying! Mario pulls the lightsaber back and the two begin to engage in an extremely fast duel. Mario gets the upper hand of the battle and forces Zeus back. Mario then takes the hilt of his lightsaber and hits Zeus’s hand that is holding the saber. Zeus loses grip of the lightsaber and it falls back. We can see that Zeus’s thumb is dislocated. MARIO There is no escape, don’t make me destroy you. Zeus holds his thumb in pain. MARIO (CON’D) I should tell you something, my great-great-great-great-grandfather is Jewish, which makes me… a Jew. ZEUS No! That’s not true! That’s impossible! MARIO Search your feelings you know it to be true. ZEUS No! No! MARIO Zeus, join me, and together we can plant throughout the world as Jew and…Jew. Zeus manages to stand up. ZEUS I’ll never join you! MARIO If you don’t I will have to hurt your family even more. Zeus becomes very angry. ZEUS LEAVE MY FAMILY ALONE! Zeus uses the force and his lightsaber flies back to him. Zeus ignites his lightsaber and begins attacking Mario furiously. Zeus swings the lightsaber with all of his might greatly outdoing Mario. Zeus then sticks the lightsaber through Mario’s chest. Zeus takes the lightsaber out and sticks it through a different part of his chest. Zeus takes the lightsaber out and makes a semi-circle in Mario’s chest. Zeus pulls the lightsaber out and we see that Zeus has made a smiley face on Mario’s chest. Zeus turns off his lightsaber and waves at Mario. ZEUS Bye bye. Mario falls down dead. Xena then comes running in. ZEUS (CON’D) Xena, what are you doing here? XENA It’s in the script. ZEUS Ahh, of course. XENA I’m so proud of you, you’re my hero. Music starts up and Xena begins to sing. XENA (CON’D) Did you ever know that you’re my hero… ZEUS No stop that! Stop that! XENA What? ZEUS I saw it in a movie once and the scene totally sucked. XENA Oh, okay. I love you Zeus. ZEUS Sweet… oh, I love you too. Zeus and Xena kiss. Zeus and Xena begin to walk off together but Zeus stops and runs back. Zeus grabs the plant off the windowsill. ZEUS Almost made the movie a big waste. NARRATOR Too late. ZEUS Shut up! Zeus puts his arm around Xena and they walk out of the room together. ZEUS (CON’D) Ya know Xena; I think this could be the start of a beautiful friendship. NARRATOR Well that’s the story of Zeus, I hoped you enjoyed it. And I sincerely apologize to all the members of the Jewish community to whom we so excessively offended. FADE OUT NARRATOR (CON’D) Oh, the end. THE END CREDITS ROLL