We wandered around the corner and possied up to the moped man. We explained in as manly a way as possible that we had never ridden mopeds before, and, yes, were even anal virgins. Moped man scoffed at this idea and said that he could soon do something about that. We were by now very, very scared. I think it was at this moment that Jazzman decided that to hire a moped from this man would clearly be a bad idea. How right he proved to be. Although Will couldn't hire one due to the lack of a driving license, myself, the Judge and Dani decided to, in the words of Hasselhoff "Go for it!" We left Will and Jazzman to head down to the beach in our absence, where they talked about how great jazz was for many a long, long, long hour. I hopped upon "The Slutmobile", revved up its super lawnmower engine and blasted up the hill towards the petrol station at speeds of up to 3mph. After filling up "Slutty", I waited a full ten minutes for young Dani and the Judge to emerge (I have it from an extremely reliable source that Dani managed to stall an automatic moped leaving the entrance to the Palace...). I purchased the world's crappest map for a euro, and we headed out towards Corfu town.
Dani had clearly been had again. His moped was an absolute heap and insisted on cutting out every time he slowed down too much, resulting in all of us stopping and waiting for him to kick-start it. No matter: after forty or so relatively incident free minutes of driving (I say relatively since it is nigh on impossible to pass an incident free minute with young Mr.Lipkin) in the green hills of Corfu, we arrived on the outskirts of Corfu town. Due to the ever increasing flow of psychopathic Greek drivers, and Dani's love of the extremely silly, we soon found ourselves whizzing in and out of the traffic dodging between cars and squeezing through gaps that clearly weren't meant to be squeezed through. With my testicles thankfully still attached, we arrived at town's main points of interest: the fort and archeological museum. We paused only long enough to realise that being on the moped was ten times as much fun as doing anything of interest, and hopped back on. We decided that we would try and head towards the northern tip of the island. This foolish plan was quickly abandoned as we realised that all three of us had left our senses of direction back in the Palace. Following an hour of going round in circles through the backstreet 'hoods' of Corfu town, (absolutely chock full of tuffs) we passed the port at least three times and gradually worked our way back in the right direction. It was about half an hour into the return journey that Dani had his first accident. In a most ungentlemanly manner, both myself and the Judge (having left Dani well behind for some reason) decided that we needed a break at a quiet spot on the side of the road. Dani pulled slowly towards us on his moped and decided to come to a gentle stop just ahead of us. Unfortunately he didn't see the giant gravel patch that he had just chosen to stop upon, and then proceeded to fly over the handlebars, coming to an ungainly stop, giggling and bleeding about 3 yards away from the now prostrate moped. Judge and I had not laughed so hard in a very long time.
Young Lipkin manfully picked himself up and we returned to the Palace without further incident. We arrived back and decided that we didn't want to give the bikes back quite yet, and drove down towards our favourite cornershop (ready for the horrific nipple pinching that would surely ensue). Dani did not however make it. Judge and I heard a horrific squeal - whether it was the brakes, the tires on tarmac, or Dani himself I will never know. We turned round to see him squished under the now rather disheveled moped again giggling like a buffoon. Deciding that enough was enough, we dragged the bike and Dani's ass back up to moped man. Judge and I gave our bikes back without trouble, and the homoerotic obsessed garage owner handed back our credit cards. He took one look at Dani's bike and shook his head: "This, my friend," said Mr. Lover Lover "will cost you one of two things to put right: 150 euros, or your anal virginity. Big Boss Nikos, he feel VERY horny today....". Dani decided that he needed some time to decide.
******** Will
(Yes, retards of the world, I've started writing!)
Meanwhile, down at the beach, I had become temporarily insane and felt nothing but contempt for the Jazz. There's only a certain amount of times you can hear quite how big Miles Davis' schlong actually was. Judge and Ted came strolling down the beach,
"Ted! Thank God you're here!" I threw myself onto his leg and whispered "Please, never leave me again!"; it was then that Judge delivered the bad news.
"Dani has destroyed his moped. It's not serious, but he's up there at Nikos' house. He's been there for about an hour now." We decided to wait down at the beach for Dani's return, scoffing Cheeseburgers and Sprite, whilst also conversing with Mike and Robin, who had been working on their tannage all day.
About another half-an-hour later, Dani walked painfully towards us, clutching his buttocks in his hands. Genuinely concerned, I asked him if he was OK, he certainly looked to be in some amount of pain. Ted remarked:
"Hey Dani, is that from the crash? You weren't walking like that before"
"Er, yeah! When I came off the bike...um...ah...I landed on my ass!...It's very sore now. It took a pounding from Nikos...uh, I MEAN THE TARMAC!" He blushed and sat down quickly. After a few more beach shenanigans, we went back to our room to prepare for our last evening in the Pink Palace.
"Ah! Lovely boys!" said the man behind the counter, stroking my nipples "You come and buy beer, yes? When you come back tomorrow, bring back empties and I will pay you" sounding like a good deal, we bought beer, and shunned his advances and offers of 'favours' and headed back up to the balcony of the Pink Palace. Here we were joined by a blonde American girl (who's name I cannot remember, so I will call her 'jugs'), who decided to bring out her vast collection of 'Now' CDs. By now, Dani had drunk away his sorrows with half a bottle of beer and was singing and dancing along to Britney Spears. However, the highlight of this early evening Cabaret was when NSync's collaboration with Nelly - 'Girlfriend' came on, encouraging Dani into a display of break-dancing and hollering into the clear night sky. Tonight would be fun. We were going to get rat-arsed.
After only an hour of double-vodka-redbull related drinking games, it seemed that we were all pretty gone already (our drinking circle expanding to us, the TJs, Mike and Robin, Tanya, Jacinta, Jugs, and the American girls I had been trying to chat up at supper). They tried the vodka redbull, and liked it so much that they encouraged the rest of the guests to drink it. Therefore, we can successfully claim that if vodka redbull becomes big in the states, it was all because of us!). Dani used the evening to take advantage of his own state of bodily disorder, and drank anything that you put in front of him. After the compulsory bottles of beer, vodka rbs, and Smirnoff Ices, I bought him a flaming Sambuca that he duly demolished and then almost brought back up. Jugs decided that she didn't want her Bacardi Breezers, and we persuaded Dani to take part in a bottle bong. Ted showed him how, with a chugtastic 3-second demonstration. He struggled with the concept to begin with, spilling about half of it down his trousers, and then complaining that this Alco pop was the worst tasting thing he'd had (strange for a boy who'd just had straight vodka, rum and flaming sambuca!). The evening became a bit of a blur for all of us, but as for Dani, I'm quite shocked that the boy survived. One can see from the evening's pictures that he became a bit out of control. His escapades including:
- Thinking that Chris Farley (soupman) was a girl, asking him for a kiss, and getting head-butted
- Dancing ridiculously with everything with a pulse on the dance floor
- Clearing the dance floor
- Starting a fight with Brian the barman, after asking him in his cheesiest accent "Is there a 24 HOUR BAAAAAR?"
- Insulting many large, hard, members of the Pink Palace Clientele (i.e. going up to a guy and asking him whether or not he was supposed to be gay in Dawson's Creek)
- Table Dancing
Please feel free to download the 'I know Dani, the drunken TJ!' wallpaper at the bottom of this page. Ted and Tanya, after some cheesy dancing mysteriously disappeared once more, whilst I stayed for some dirty dancing with those American girls, but sadly, no turkey. But hey! Who needs turkey when I had my friend 'sex on the beach' for company! So I stayed and drank with the TJs and Mikey until the early hours, and spoke to a great many people about a great many things. Ah. Ted woke me up again at 4AM, with a smile on his face and a bulge in his trousers,
"Not now Ted!" I said "I've got a headache!" Thus endeth the third lesson. Praise be to the lord of alcohol.
DJ Jazzy man
Judge R
Super Bad-Ass Sweet Daddy Jones
Shaggy
Supertuff Sweetcheeks Mr T
Dani the Drunkard
