Once More, All Naked, All Gay by Dumbsaint

Once More, All Naked, All Gay
Dumbsaint

DISCLAIMER: And in the holy books of Buffy fic harlotry it is written that the Lord God decreed high from exalted heaven that one day Joss should have his musical. God spake and said, “And in the sixth season of Buffy the musical episode shall come forth and shall be known to the people, and they will sing its praises.” So arose the musical, and it was good. Very good. A little too good. And the Lord God, being of hearty cheer and fond of parodies amended, “Have at it! Go forth, my children, and bastardize Joss’ musical.” And they did, hoping that no one would sue them for copyright infringement, as it was done in loving reverence, and all in good fun. Repeat, good fun. Naked fun. Gay fun.
VAGUE EXPLANATION OF FOUNDATIONAL CONCEPT: Joss has joked in the past about doing an “all naked, all gay” ep, “with goats.” This proved to be a little too tempting for one such as I, so weak and ho-ish and naughtily minded. This, for example, from the man himself, our very own Evil Joss, as posted @ the Bronze Beta, October 31, 2001, speaking about his labors and toils over the musical: “Boy, after all this effort, I sure hope you don't all hate the thundering crap out of the show. That'd be oops. And yes, my name is still a virgin. It has yet to know the love of another name. Naked, gay, goats, etc.... joss.” No worries, Joss. Dear, sweet, Evil Joss. The show was brilliant. Marvelous even. Now about the naked, gay, with goats…
RATING: NC-17. Naughty, but nice.
PAIRINGS: W/T, X/A, B/F, MH/MKF, X/S, S/MH, S/G
SPOILERS: Everything up through the musical ep, “Once More With Feeling,” season 6, episode 7.
DISTRIBUTION: Sure, splash it about like cheap, tawdry goods. Just let me know where, eh?
FEEDBACK: Comments, questions, suggestions, naughty fic... gimme. Graashoppa@aol.com
PROPS: A thousand thank yous to Ruth, aka Tommo, for helping me to fuel the fires of naughtiness to higher heights of pervosity. Best beta reader ever. You rock, and you rock hard!

“Once More, All Naked, All Gay,” by Dumbsaint

THE SUMMERS HOUSEHOLD. MORNING.

[Overture. Montage scenes of morning in the Summers’ household. The alarm clock in Willow and Tara’s room goes off obnoxiously, but a sleepy Willowhand punches the snooze button, and we see her snuggle closer to Tara, sighing as she falls back asleep. Cut to Dawn brushing her hair in the bathroom, Buffy staring forlornly at her ceiling, still laying abed. Later, Buffy walks past the door of Willow and Tara’s bedroom, pauses looking troubled as she hears sounds of giggling coming from inside. We hear puppy noises, panting.]

Willow: [O.S.] Good puppy!

[Buffy’s eyes go wide, a disturbed expression on her face. She starts to quickly walk away, but then stops to listen once more as we push in towards the door, strangely drawn to the muffled sound of something thwacking on bare skin and-]

Tara: [O.S.] Willow! Oh, Willow!!!

[Continuing Overture montage, later at the Magic Box, a normal afternoon. Anya is on Xander’s lap joyously counting money as he kisses her neck. Dawn is thumb wrestling with the mummy hand until a frowning Giles appears, shaking his finger at them both. Dutifully both pick up their pencils and get back to doing their homework. We see that the mummy hand has written “Mummy hand + Miss Kitty forever and ever” on its paper. Willow and Tara sit close together at the research table, looking over a spell, both seeming wistful. Tara slides a hand lingeringly up Willow’s arm, whispering something in her ear as we close in on the open page of the book. The chapter is entitled “animation spells for the inanimate” and we see now that there is a “Toys in Babeland” catalogue on the table next to the book. Buffy sits across from them doodling idly on a piece of paper. She looks up, over at Xander and Anya, regarding them thoughtfully, then at Willow and Tara. She gulps, looks back at Xander and Anya. Giles taps her on the shoulder, brandishing a huge battle axe and nudging his head back towards the training room. Somewhat listlessly, Buffy arises and follows him. Cut to-]

THE GRAVEYARD. NIGHT.

[Buffy walks slowly, aimlessly. She sings-]

Buffy: Every single night
The same frustration
Almost there but then not quite
I just want to feel
That sweet sensation

[grabs her breasts disconsolately and breaks the fourth wall, looking right into the camera for the next line]

Buffy: Yes, they’re really real
God this shirt is tight

[Buffy starts to strip off her shirt.]

Buffy: I’ve been hiding those under my clothes
Just hoping no one knows
That I’ve been going through the motions
Trying to get off
Nothing seems able to do the job

[finishes disrobing down to bra and panties and continues on through the graveyard brandishing her stake]

I always wanted Faith, but I was a prude
Now I find I’m slavering
Let’s face it she was hot, that attitude
Made us all think naughty things

Naked Vamp: Boy, I bet her tits were soft-

Buffy: Hey, that’s my girl, fuck off!

[stakes him]

Naked Vamp and Demon chorus: Yeah, she’s pretty tough with that slayage stuff,
But now she’s in the buff
And she’s just going through the motions
Make Faith come back now
[She runs the demon through with a handy sword.]
Naked Demon: [wearing leopard print g-string]
Can’t have girl-on-girl action with just- ow!

Buffy: Will I stay this way forever
[realizing what the demon just said] Me and Faith naked- together?

[We see Riley, gagged and bound to a tree and now Buffy absently frees him, already moving away as he starts to serenade her, her mind still on-]

Riley: Oh, I’ve waited for this day-

Buffy: Whatever.

[She walks away, her attention caught on row of Grecian style statues of naked women.]

I don’t wanna be-
Going through the motions
Groping astray
Now I think I see
But is this really me?
[nods resolutely then breaks into a big grin]
Yeah, I just wanna be-
Gay

THE MAGIC BOX. NEXT MORNING.

[Buffy walks into the Magic Box seeming rather distracted. The Scoobies are assembled.]

Giles: Good morning, Buffy;

Willow: Oh, hey. Did you get off safely to patrol last night?

[The Slayer’s eyes flash open wide like she’s been caught with her hand in the proverbial- and metaphorical- cookie jar.]

Buffy: What? Uh, no. I mean, um, yes! Patrol went off without a stitch. I- I mean a hitch. Um…

[Buffy quickly walks away. Willow and Tara both look perplexed at Buffy’s strange behavior. Pan over to Xander playing like he’s sword fighting with two big glazed twist donuts.]

Xander: Who’s yer daddy?

Anya: That’s SO funny, sweetie. [Grabs a round donut out of the box] And you know, there’s this book by this woman, Pat Califia that- mmmm…

[Anya breaks off as she takes a bite of her donut, eyeing it ravenously all the while. Buffy approaches the table where Xander sits, watching as everyone enjoys their sugary Freudian goodness.]

Buffy: So no… research? No monsters goin’ on- nothing?

[Giles shakes his head.]

Buffy: Good. Good. [beat] So, did anybody… uh, last night- you know, did anybody, um- suddenly find themselves naked and um, suddenly gay?

Xander: Holy bare-chested shot-put hurlers, Batman!

[Willow and Tara rush over excitedly.]

Willow: We thought it was just us!

Giles: Dear Lord…

Tara: We were just talking-

Willow: During dinner-

Tara: A-and then all of a sudden it was like-

Buffy: Like you were naked. And gay?

Xander: But isn’t that just a typical night for you guys?

[Willow and Tara exchange sappy grins, shrugging a la ‘well, yeah, pretty much’. Xander, riding out his instant lesbo reflex, starts to look all mighty pleased with that scenario but suddenly his eyes glaze over like he’s picturing it and the idea totally bores him.]

Xander: [confused] Huh.

Buffy: Oh. But-

Anya: [interrupting] Yes! Us too! We were taking off our clothes. A-a-and we were arguing, and then just when we would usually have post-argument make-up sex, we ended up just sitting around naked, fighting over what channel to watch on TV.

Giles: [taking off his glasses, half under his breath] My God, that dream I had about David Duchovny.

Anya: Xander wanted to watch the Backstreet Boys Live on HBO, but I was watching scantily clad blonde women in videos on MTV. That Britney Spears, she’s quite the-

Giles: [interrupting, to Buffy] And you- you experienced this phenomenon last night as well?

Xander: Yeah, Buffy, which hot chick were you lusting over? [He starts full of steam suggesting girl-on-girl action, but his face falls as he finds that, again, the image does nothing for him.]

Buffy: Uh, nobody. But it seemed perfectly… natural. A-at the time. I mean, it still… [she trails off, frowning]

Xander: Yes, it’s perfectly natural that in retrospect- dude! I really DID look great in that speedo. Why did I ever quit the swim team?

Anya: Were there girls on the swim team?

Xander: [absently] Uh, no. There were cheerleaders at the meets, though.

Anya: Oooh! Blonde ones?

Tara: Guys! Shouldn’t we be trying figure out what’s going on here? I mean- something’s going on here. Isn’t it? Shouldn’t we- I mean, it’s not normal-

[Willow shoots Tara a look, raising her eyebrows.]

Tara: For them. It’s not normal for them. Plus the nakedness thing- Will, you gotta admit. That’s not normal for us, either.

Anya: [leering at them] And why not?!

[Willow and Tara wear identical perplexed expressions, pondering that, while Anya continues to look them up and down, absently fingering the corner of her own sleeve.]

Xander: [reacting to Anya lusting after Willow and Tara] Yeah, maybe we should be trying to break this down, ‘cause I for one-

[Giles starts to unbutton his shirt as he sings-]

Giles: I’ve got a theory
That it’s a demon
A pantsless demon
[frowns] Whoever heard of such a thing?

[Pan over to Willow and Tara who have started to disrobe as well]

Willow: I’ve got a theory
Some kid is dreamin’

Tara: [grins] And we’re all stuck
Inside his wacky lesbo fantasy.

[Willow pokes her in the side, scowling slightly. Tara just smiles and starts helping Willow out of her dress. Xander, now shirtless and starting to take his shoes off, too, sings-]

Xander: I’ve got a theory we should just come out…

Group: It’s pretty queer
We fear this nudity’s no simple bout

Xander: It could be British people.
Some repressed British people.
[Off Giles' glare]
Which is preposterous
‘Cause British people, big with tweed
Spawned Puritans, Victorian virginity
Those wild and crazy European orgyistic
I’ll be over here

Anya: I’ve got a theory
That Xander’s semen-

[Xander claps a hand over Ahn’s mouth and flashes the rest of the group a big shit-eating grin while a horrified, dead silence ensues for a beat. Tara steps forward, now stripped down to panties and a really cute bra top corsettey thing with this gauzy material that hangs down obscuring all but a teasing glimpse of her torso.]

Tara: I’ve got a-

[Still glaring at Xander, Anya pushes his hand away from her mouth and jumps away from him, rocking out, complete with strobe lights and smoke machines.]

Anya: Amber’s tummy, so cute why do they never expose it,
Who in the wardrobe department do I hafta maim to make them show it
And what’s with all the floral print?
Don’t they know she’d look much better in leather any day
Amber’s tummy, I must have Amber’s tummy!

[Her number ends with pyrotechnics. The whole group looks at her, surprised, some a little taken aback. Amber flashes her a saucy lil grin. Then as an afterthought-]

Anya: Or maybe Aly’s

[Amber frowns, pouting. Aly winks at Emma, then back to business as she looks down and realizes that all she has left on is her bra and underwear.]

Willow: I’ve got a theory
We should work this fast

Willow and Giles: Because we’re nearly naked now

Willow: Wow, look at Tara’s-

[she grabs Tara’s bum, Tara squeals in shock]

Buffy: I’ve got a theory
That it’s the network

What can’t we do at UPN, it’s
Time to tell WB to sit and spin, yeah
They’ll see our show
Is worth more than they paid
And over here
Willow can finally get laid

Group: What can’t we say at UPN
Let the all gay, all naked fun begin
But didn’t Joss
Say something about goats?

Tara: Yeah, I dunno about that

Group: That’s really kind of gross

What can’t we do at UPN, face it this
Network needs our excess estrogen
We’ve got all we need in this place

[Anya grins and points to Amber’s newly bared stomach, the gauzy material having been torn away by roaming Willowhands during that last verse.]

Anya: Like Amber’s tummy

[They finally stop singing, looking around at each other, all kind of embarrassed.]

Xander: Okay, that was disturbing.

Anya: Not to mention disrobing. So, uh, Willow and Tara… what’d’ya say the three of us go back to your place for a wholesome game of shiver me timberless?

Xander: Wholesome?

Anya: Well, yeah. You know, wholesome in that naked, writhing heap of multi-bodied girlflesh way.

[Giles turns away from a statue he has been starting at on the bookshelf nearest him, an icon of six-armed, six-legged Shiva. More glasses cleaning ensues.]

Giles: Ah, are we sure that this phenomenon isn’t affecting just us?

Buffy: Let’s see.

[Buffy turns and walks to the door of the shop, opening it and peering outside. Angle down on the street which is full of same-sex couples in their underwear swing dancing as equally scantily clad drag queens on roller skates spin around them in figure eights. The lead drag queen, her humungous bra stuffed to overflowing, garter belts swinging to and fro, sings enthusiastically with full back-up, including jazz fingers aplenty-]

Stuffed-Bra Drag Queen: The ABBA musical came out!

Back up singers and dancers: Mama Mia, here I go again!
My, my- how can I resist you?

[Buffy closes the door. Turns back to face the gang.]

Buffy: It’s not just us.

[Fade to the bell over the shop door ringing as someone enters later on into the afternoon. It’s a very excited Dawn, in a cute lil strappy, girlish tank top and flannel boxer shorts.]

Dawn: Oh my god! You’ll NEVER guess what happened at school today?

Buffy: Everyone was naked and gay?

Dawn: [her thunder having been stolen, pouting] I gave birth to Janet Reno.

Anya: Oh my God, was she naked?

Xander: Nice boxers, Dawnie. [looks down at his own tighty-whiteys, disgruntled] Hey, how come Dawn doesn’t have to be as naked as us?

Dawnie: Ugh. ‘Cause I’m fifteen, you spooge. Illegal much?

[Willow turns to Joss who is watching the scene on a little monitor off to the side.]

Willow: How’s this scene workin’ out for ya there, Roman Polanski?

Joss: Hey, at least I cut most of the goat stuff from the shooting script. Get back to work, it’s time for the obscurely contrived segue into the big lesbo sex scene.

Giles: Right. Sorry.

[Mumbled apologies from cast who we now see have been checking each other out shamelessly in all their only-underwear-clad glory. Willow is nibbling on Tara’s ear, the blonde shivering slightly and sporting a wicked grin.]

Tara: Right. Books. Research.

Willow: Yeah. With the books. But not the kind with pictures.

Tara: Or flogging safety instructions.

Anya: Ya know, back home Xander has some really great movies about this girl named Debbie. She’s from Dallas. And Chicago. And Miami. Come to think of it, she really gets around. I could-

Willow: [ignoring Anya] Yeah. We’ll go research the creamin’, uh- the demon- or whatever. You know- from a scientific point of view… Yeah, this phenomenon must be examined very, very-

[As Willow speaks her eyes slowly drop down over Tara’s bountiful cleavage.]

Willow: …very… carefully… methodically…

[Suddenly we are in their bedroom. Tara is splayed back on the bed, handcuffed to the bedposts.]

Willow: [Off screen] …systematically… probingly…

[We pan out to see that Willow is dressed in underwear and a bikini type top that look as though they were cut from hospital scrubs. In fact, they were cut from hospital scrubs. She also wears a short, unbuttoned white lab coat and a miner’s hat with one of those flashlight bulb things on it. There is a stethoscope around her neck, and she has a reflex test hammer in one hand.]

Tara: Sweetie, are you sure the hat goes with the rest of the outfit?

Willow: Oh, yeah. It’s so I can see your tonsils clearly when your legs are wrapped around my shoulders. [grins] You know, or your cervix. Whatever’s handy.

Tara: Mmm. My little spelunker.

[Tara writhes seductively on the bed, looking up at Willow.]

Willow: So what seems to be the problem today, Miss Maclay?

Tara: I’ve got it bad. [She pants slightly]

Willow: Ah! Just as I thought. Encephabronchiopubescitus!

Tara: Um, sweetie?

Willow: Yes, Tara?

Tara: [frowning slightly] Can’t we skip to the part where-

Willow: [interrupting, pleadingly] Aww, please, baby? I like to start out this way.

Tara: How you used to play…

Willow: Yeah… you know, before…

Tara: Oh, I know, honey. It’s just that- you know… we’ve been waiting two years to consummate this relationship. And I’m kinda…

[She breaks off, wriggling her hips, wets her lips with her tongue, shoots Willow a desirous gaze. Willow slowly approaches Tara on the bed, grinning wickedly as she sings-]

Willow: I lived my life in chastity
Never your taste on my lips
It didn’t seem such a travesty
The censors smothered our relationship

Now I’m free to explore
The body that I adore

I’m between your thighs
Finally I see
I was meant for sapphistry
Comes as no surprise
During season three
Hello, big lesbo evil me

Tara: Our spells were innuendo
Had to read in between the lines
You know that Flaming-O
Still makes me wet every time
My body yours to command
Ooh! Hello, Willowhand

You’re between my thighs
Finally I’m free
From infinite virginity
Your touch I can’t deny
Momentarily
I’ll invoke all the deities
You made me believe

My flesh liquefied
I can feel you inside

You’re between my thighs
Surging like the sea
Drawn into the depths of me

[Angle on Tara starting to levitate off the bed. We can only see as far down as her tummy. Willow’s hands knead the blonde’s sides caressingly but the rest of her is somewhere off screen doing something presumably humpy.]

And now I start to rise
Lost in ecstasy
Spread beneath my Willow tree
Joss wrote softcore porn for me

No more softcore stuff for me
Harder, hard- oh God, Willow, please
You make me commmmplete
You make me commm-

THE MAGIC BOX. AFTERNOON.

Xander: I bet they’re not even working.

Anya: I bet they’re working each other alright-

Giles: Anya, do shut up.

Anya: What?!

[Without looking up from his book, Giles points to Dawn who is sitting ten feet away at the counter, doing her homework, this time sans mummy hand.]

Dawn: Oh, come on. I’ve been living in lesbo central all summer long! And lemme tell ya, it’s about freakin’ time those two got it on. No more of this Dawnie has two mommies who aren’t allowed to ever touch each other crap. And speaking of which, a certain slayer has been moaning the name of a certain other slayer in her sleep lately.

Buffy: [her eyes flashing in angry mortification] Dawn!

[Anya sighs wistfully. Giles looks extremely disturbed.]

Xander: Man, oh man, I miss when that used to do something for me.

Anya: It’s okay, honey, here- I brought you a whole bunch of my old Playgirl magazines to look at from home.

Xander: Oh, uh- thanks, Ahn, but I don’t think- whoa! Check out the biceps on Mr. September here. Great googily moogily, if that ain’t a prime piece’a hunka-hunka burnin’ man love.

Anya: I’m so glad you like it, because I’ve already helped myself to your extensive collection of girlie magazines and videos. If I can’t be the veggie bacon in a Willow and Tara sandwich, at least I can console myself with cheaply produced pornography featuring 80’s hair coifed straight women in high heels and Lee press-on nails pretending to be lesbians.

Xander: [fondly, if absently] That’s my girl. Always looking on the bright side. Helllllo, Mr. October! Be still my throbbing-

Buffy: So Giles, how long do you think this’ll last?

Xander: [mumbling to himself] …magic bone.

Giles: It’s hard to tell just yet. I suppose it depends on what we’re dealing with here…

Dawn: Huh. Yeah, I figure this won’t last any longer than November sweeps, myself. But hey, in the meantime, naked fun and gaiety to all! I mean, what could possibly be scary or hellmouthy about that?

AN ALLEY. NIGHT.

[Two girls decked out in laughably stereotypical lesbo garb doing a flirty tap dance routine. Their movements grow more and more frenzied until they finally throw themselves into each other’s arms, making out frantically. Smoke starts to rise from them and suddenly they combust, bursting into pillars of flame. As the flames quickly die down we see the charred remains of their clothes on the ground and something is inside of them. The two furry little somethings hop out suddenly. They’ve turned into bunnies, and not too far away from them we see a pair of Birkenstock sheathed blue feet. Pan up manly, bare blue legs. A pantsless demon (wearing boxers with little flying monkeys on them) stands there surveying what looks to have been his handywork. He cackles craftily.]

Pantsless Demon: Extra Flameh!

XANDER’S APARTMENT. MORNING.

[Xander and Anya have just woken up. They’re snuggled together, but they look troubled.]

Xander: Wow, this is the part of the day where I’d normally suggest that a quick round of ‘ooh, look what I found under the covers’ is in order, but now…

Anya: It’s okay, honey. [She pats his arm sweetly.] Although, without my daily morning orgasm... Oh God, what are we gonna do?

Xander: Okay, the important thing is not to panic. I’m sure Giles is already on top of this. [We have started to fade on Xander’s spiel and push in to focus on Anya as she starts to sing.] Huh. Giles on top of- Oh, God. Minds in disturbing places.

Anya: Tara’s a vixen I’m fixin’ to steal her
Damn that girl’s fine
Her golden hair, blue-eyed stare, oh to feel her-
Wish she were mine

But her love for Willow’s renowned
You’d think with all the chicks in town
There’d be enough to go around
I’ll never get laid

[Anya gets up and walks off-camera. Xander sits up in bed, looking thoughtfully pensive.]

Xander: Since Riley left
We’ve been beefcake bereft
I’m all on my own
I could fuck Spike, but I’d like to have someone
Alive to bone

Oh Oz, where did you go?
Giles killed Ben. Hmm, Giles? Eeugh, No.
We need more guys on this show
I’ll never get laid

Together: As long as I’m gay

[They walk out of the bedroom in their underwear and head towards the kitchen.]

Xander: We shagged
Anya: We mated
Xander: Mutual masturbated
Anya: We were up to Kama Sutra page eighty nine
Xander: Our love seemed fated
Anya: For the first time I was sated
Xander: I’m a tad intimidated by this concept of size

Together: It’s fine, it’s temporary
Xander: But still it’s kinda scary
Anya: Sud’nly men seem awfully hairy
Xander: Why did you leave me, Larry?
Together: How I miss being straight
My God, how’ll I ever get laid?

Anya: [glumly] I already miss orgasms
Sweetly tingling spasms
And I know Tara has ‘em
But with somebody else

Xander: Manly chests, hands fondling
Sweaty gym showers taunt me
Anya: [smacks his arm hard] None of your chick friends want me!
Xander: [horrified, then sarcastic] I think Spike’s hot? That’s swell!

[Anya begins to dance excitedly.]

Anya: Lookit me, I’m dancing the dance of crazed jealousy because this morning my beloved has her face buried between the thighs of another.

[Xander joins in and they both dance animatedly, kind of a 20’s swingy type deal.]

Xander: And why am I dancing?

Anya: You’re in lust with the undead. That’s got to be somewhat unsettling. Plus, you know, you hate him.

[They finish dancing and come together, clasping hands sweetly, but turn their faces away, both looking off into the distance.]

Together: You know
We could still get married
Xander: These feelings buried
Anya: It could be just like the movies
Xander: [gazing sadly at them] How I used to love your boobies
Anya: How I’d love a look at Tara’s-
Xander: [with a wicked lil glint in his eye, absently fondling his own pecs-] Manly chest!

[They dance a wistful bit of a waltzy type deal. Then they settle down at opposite ends of the breakfast table.]

Anya: We schtupped
Xander: We wrassled
Anya: Now it just seems unnatu’ral
Xander: [somewhat disturbed] I can’t believe that I’m attracted to a vampire
Anya: Being queer is such a hassle
Xander: That platinum-headed rascal
Anya: What I wouldn’t give to make that blonde witch writhe

Together: Our sex lives, we took for granted
If I tried… maybe I could get my way

[Both seem to think better of it.]

Xander: I’d better not go off half-cocked
Anya: Prob’bly best not to piss Willow off
Xander: I could burst into his crypt
And kiss those tepid, sneering lips
Anya: If I seduced her honey
She could throw me to the bunnies

Xander: I can stand firm
Anya: I can be strong
Xander: Me and Spike? That’s SO wrong.
Together: Still things could really start to suck if we stay this way
Dear God, I’ll never get laid
Gee thanks, Joss, I’ll never get laid

[pan over Joss shrugging none-too apologetically from his director’s chair, then back to our hapless duo-]

Xander: [resolve face] Hey, we can do this
Anya: [following suit] Sure, we can resist
Xander: Take it from me, gay celibacy- big yay!
Together: [cheerily] I’ll never get…
[Both flop companionably into a big fluffy chair]
Laid

[They grin at each other, giggling awkwardly for a moment before both of their faces fall, and very much a la Lucy Ricardo, they break loudly, hysterically, into tears.]

THE STREETS OF SUNNYDALE. LATER THAT MORNING.

[Giles walks between the very disturbed fiancés, who grow more and more impassioned and protesting with each line they speak, all three in nothing but their underwear.]

Xander: It’s like a nightmare.

Anya: It’s horrible! She’s never going to leave Willow for me.

Xander: It IS my nightmare! Pantsless, on the streets of Sunnydale! People staring, their eyes burning into me like a thousand little laser beams.

Anya: Buffy’s obsessed with Faith. Dawn’s way too young for me. Oh, who am I kidding? I’m 1100 years old. Every woman in Sunnydale is too young for me.

[They turn to Giles, pleadingly. Simultaneously-]

Xander: I don’t want to be infatuated with Spike!
Anya: I can’t go one more day without sex!

Xander: Giles, you have to make it stop.

Giles: Well, yes- ah, I’m looking into it. And I do have a promising lead. There have been a number of missing persons reported in the past 36 hours, and also reports of a number of-

[He steals a glance at Anya, hesitating. We have started to move away from our trio on the sidewalk as they pass behind a balding man standing in front of a funny little cart parked at the curb. He’s singing to someone we can’t see off the right. We can’t really make out what Giles is saying anymore.]

Balding Man: Please don’t do this to me today
You promised me you’d always stay
I’m asking you please no
It isn’t right, it isn’t fair
Is it because he has more hair?

[Our slow pan finally reaches the man’s companion. It’s a bare-chested satyr, half man, half goat, wearing what look like oversized little boy briefs, blue with red elastic band, with big yellow rubber duckies all over them. Very Sesame Street-esque. The satyr holds in his hand the leash to a real live goat, whom he occasionally gazes at with unmistakable adoration and warmth.]

What? His beady little stare?

[Satyr shrugs noncommittally and starts to edge away, leading the goat off.]

I see, that’s fine, just go!
I hope you’re happy way out there
Sure, you two make quite the pair
You and your lame duck underwear

[Over these last two lines we have started to move back in to the sidewalk and to our three characters. Anya is ranting at the guys in utter horror.]

Anya: Bunnies?! Oh my god! Oh my god, I knew it! It’s bunnies! They’re behind the whole thing. It’s a conspiracy to keep me from having orgasms! And Joss, you and your fucking goats! What the fuck is your problem, anyway? It’s like the creepy petting zoo of DEATH around here!

Xander: Anya, calm down. We’ll get this all sorted out.

Giles: Xander’s right. We just have to keep our heads.

Anya: You two can do whatever you like with your heads, but I’ll panic if I damn well want to. [changes her mind] Ooh! Maybe I could get Tara to come over and do a protection against bunnies spell at the apartment. [more to herself than anyone else-] Tara. Naked. And even gayer than usual!

Xander: You know, I can’t believe that I’m saying this, but you might have better luck with Buffy.

Anya: No way. She clearly has a thing for brunettes. I knew I should have kept my hair the way it was during season three.

Giles: Have either of you seen Buffy yet today?

Anya: Nope.

Xander: Na uh.

Giles: I tried the house earlier, but Tara said that Buffy was already out for the day, and where she didn’t know.

Anya: You talked to Tara? What color was her underwear?

Giles: I talked to her on the phone, Anya.

Anya: [disappointed] Oh. Well, why don’t I go over there and see if Buffy’s back? You guys go back to the Magic Box and see if you can find any more information about the naked gaiety.

Xander: Actually, I was thinking I might try the cemetery. Maybe Buffy is patrolling.

Giles: Ah. [gestures to the daylight all around them] Sunlight. Does tend to ward off the vampires.

Xander: Well, ya never know. Could be something demony afoot, and you know our Buffy- quite the lil trooper. I’ll see if I can track her down and give her a hand.

[Off Giles’ acquiescent shrug and Anya’s cheery wave goodbye as she hurries off to the Summers’ house. We move to-]

SPIKE’S CRYPT. DAYTIME, BUT PLENTY GLOOMY, DARK, DANK.

[Xander quietly sneaks into Spike’s crypt, slipping behind a huge stone pillar to hide as he realizes that Spike is talking to someone. The platinum-locked vampy one is lounging on his posh new bed.]

Spike: Aw, come on! You’ve gotta be kidding me. That’s it? What, you’re done with me now? You know, sometimes I- [breaks off angrily and then bursts into song]

Spike: I rose so many hours ago
You started teasing me
Made it start to grow
And why you come to torture me
I think I finally know
Mmm…

Now I’m hard, ready to close the deal
And you won’t finish what you started
You won’t make it real

Playing with a dead man’s parts
Just trying to cop a feel

That’s great
But I don’t want to play
This just got serious and I’d like you to stay
It’s alright I’m only meat to you
I’m saying flog away

Or let me wank in peace

Let me wank in peace
If you won’t for me
Let me shoot my tadpoles at the moon
I’ll do it manually
You play around but you won’t
Give me sweet release
So let me wank in peace

[Now we see who it is that Spike has been serenading as the camera pushes in on Spike’s bared thigh. There the Mummy Hand rests, trailing teasing, undead fingertips over the vampire’s flesh. Cut to Xander, just having seen this, first looking incredibly jealous and indignant, and then realizing how icky this is and making the “Eeugh!” face.]

I know, you’ll never finish the job
You’ll just beat around the bush
Until I’ve gone soft
And till you do I’m tellin’ you
Why don’t you just sod off
And let me wank in peace

I know, I should go
But you come around like some kind of skeez
Just out for kicks, you’re not here to please
Tormenting me, but you’d better believe
If you had ‘em, I’d have you on your knees
But I can see
You’re just a tease
So leave me be

And let me wank in peace
If you won’t for me
Let me shoot my tadpoles at the moon
I’ll do it manually
You play around but you won’t
Give me sweet release
Let me wank in peace
Why won’t you
Let me wank in peace

[Then, speaking through clenched teeth-]

Spike: Oh, God! BLOODY hell- yes, just like that- No! Not again- bugger! [nearly sobbing] WHY?!

[Through this last chorus we’ve begun to pull back from Spike and the Mummy hand, as Xander silently retraces his steps, sneaking back out of the crypt. Once he’s outside-]

Xander: Mummy hand! The MUMMY HAND is getting more action than me. Oh, man- that is SO not fair. [whining] Josssss!

[Pan over to Joss sitting in his director’s chair. He’s getting a manicure and a facial, sitting there with an avocado mask on his face, cucumber slices over his eyes. He appears to be sleeping, or perhaps contemplating world domination.]

Joss: Yeah, Nick?

Xander: Make Sarah make Freddy come be my lust monkey. It’s not like he’s real busy these days.

[Joss waves dismissively in his direction, going back to his nap and manicure.]

Xander: C’mon! Where’s the love?!

THE SUMMERS’ HOUSEHOULD. LATE AFTERNOON.

[Anya sits on Willow and Tara’s bed, unable to take her eyes off of the blonde, whose back is turned to her. Anya fondles the coverlet in an almost obscene fashion. Tara is rummaging around in a chest of spell components.]

Anya: It’s very nice of you to offer to help with the bunny protection spell. I’ll feel much safer knowing that I’m under the protective magicks of a witch of your caliber.

Tara: Oh, no problem! But you know, if you want, we could wait until Willow gets back and have her help, too. Then it’d be twice the witchy mojonation. Besides, she’s the one with the real power.

Anya: Oh, poppycock. She doesn’t hold a candle to you. Besides, haven’t you been practicing since you were like, a little kid? With your mom and your grandmother?

Tara: [frowns] Well, yeah…

Anya: So you pretty much grew up living and breathing witchcraft.

Tara: Yes.

Anya: And it doesn’t seem weird to you that in this past year or so Willow has like… suddenly shot right past you when she’s only been practicing for a couple of years?

Tara: I- I guess I never really thought about it. But you know, some people are just born with-

Anya: Oh, please. Don’t start with that “natural witch” nonsense. [does a goofy voice] Some people are just born charmed. [back to normal voice] That’s such a crock. It takes time to master the dark arts. [Off Tara’s alarmed look, reassuringly] Oh, the white ones, too. All the arts. Even lithography.

[Anya has gotten up and now stands behind Tara, awfully close, feigning peering over her shoulder but she’s really just trying to smell her hair. Tara frowns, clearly uncomfortable with both the conversation and Anya’s proximity. She tries to change the subject-]

Tara: Okay, Hawthorn root, valerian, vanilla oil, and white candles. I think we have everything we need for your spell.

Anya: Hey, what’s that?

Tara: What’s what?

[Anya points to a little bundle of herbs tied together with two intertwined strings, one crimson, one white.]

Anya: Isn’t that mandrake root? Bundled together with jasmine and yarrow.

Tara: Um… yeah, I guess. W-why do you-

Anya: And there’s something in there. What is that, a scrap of paper? That looks like leftover spell stuff, love spell stuff. And with the mandrake- man, that’s some intense herbage. This isn’t from one of your spells?

Tara: [looking rather troubled] N-no.

Anya: Must be Willow’s then. Let’s have a look, shall we?

[Anya bends down to grab the bundle, starting to dig out the scrap of paper.]

Tara: Anya, m-maybe you shouldn’t-

[But Anya has already fished the piece of paper out. She sniffs the herbs for a moment, chattering on, before unfolding the scrap.]

Anya: Whew! That mandrake is potent. It’s pretty fresh, too. But of the rest of this stuff is pretty old, like it’s been in there for a long time. She must have cast this a while ago. Maybe freshened it up again recently with the-

[Inside the paper is a lock of ash blonde hair bound with the same crimson and white string as the rest of the package, and written on it are two words. “Tara” and “Mine.” Anya sniffs the herbs again, wrinkling her nose.]

Anya: Hey, wait. This is a spell cast on you! To make you- hers? To make you- [her eyes go wide. Tara shakes her head in denial.]

Tara: N-no! She would never-

Anya: Um, hello. Clearly she did. And it looks like the mojo might have come out a little stronger than she meant it to be. How much you wanna bet she’s behind all of this- oh my God, she could have even pulled a Jonathon on you! Well! I must say… that’s pretty impressive. [Anya trails off, realizing that Tara is gone.] Tara?

[She sighs heavily, tossing the bundle back into the best, but keeps the lock of Tara’s hair, running her fingers over it wistfully. Cut to Tara pausing near the front door, her eyes shadowed with uncertainty and hurt. Tentatively sad guitar music comes up in the background as she starts out of the house determinedly. Cut to-]

SHADOWY JAIL CELL. TIME OF DAY INDISTINGUISHABLE.

[In her solitary jail cell Faith looks sadly at a little, crumpled picture of Buffy, running her fingers reverently over its surface.]

Faith: Did she ever even notice?
Did she ever even care?

[As she has been singing a dimensional portal has opened up behind her and three of the Pantsless Demon’s puppetty minions emerge from it, sneaking up behind her. Moving as one, they grab her and pull her kicking and screaming back through it with them. The camera pans down to the picture of Buffy, which has fallen to the floor and we fade to-]

A POOL HALL. NIGHT.

[Tumbling out of the space-time portal, Faith shakes off the grip of the puppetty minions just as the mystical energy of the portal closes up. A fight ensues, Faith makes quick work of the minions, her graceful, catlike, and sometimes lustful fighting style accompanied at first by a ballet suite that gradually intensifies and then turns into a jazz tap style ditty as she finishes with the minions and spins around to find their boss, the Pantsless Demon, who shies away from her nervously. Starting towards him, she rips off her shirt as she sings-]

Faith: Hey, don’t run away
Don’t you like my-

[she looks down at her body, her hands doing a sweep from her hips up to her breasts as she does a little shimmy.]

Style
Brought me out to play
Think I’ll hang around a while

Holed up in that dark little cage
I’ve been savin’ up some quality rage
So what’d’ya say?
You wanna make me smile?

You see, this gig
Makes my blood sing
Been so long since I-
[Again with the pawing her own flesh in an almost masturbatory way thing]
Since I slayed something
Looks like I’m finally on the loose
And I’m already
Feelin’ juiced
So how about it, you?
Come on, play nice
You can’t know how it feels, baby
No, you don’t know how it feels, baby

[stops singing, whirling on the Pantsless Demon]

Faith: Wait. Where the fuck did you bring me to?

Steve: [tentatively] Welcome to the Hellmouth?

[Her eyes light up at this and she smiles lustily.]

Faith: Sunnydale, huh? [she chuckles] Mmmm. Wicked cool.

I’m not really bad
I just like to play
Call this a prelude to a different kind of fleshly display
This’ll be the best time that I’ve had
Since that B-clad bubble bath
I’ll find her then, I’ll make her pray

[Momentary flash into Faith’s mind, Buffy pressed up against a wall panting heavily and moaning, “Oh God,… Oh God,… Oh God…”]

You brought me down into this town
So maybe I’ll let you go
I’ve got a date, and this time it’s fate
[looks down seeming to suddenly take notice of the fact that she’s in her underwear]
What the fuck? What’d I do with my clothes?
Oh, you can’t know how it feels, baby

Pantsless Demon: Remember, you said before, you wouldn’t eviscerate me?

Faith: I’m gonna tear through you, baby

Pantsless Demon: If you must, could ya just, pretty please first sedate me?

Faith: I can take down demon hordes
An’ still make time to get down on all fours

Pantsless Demon: See, that’s great, hey, just wait, you don’t have to get huffy

Faith: I’m anticipating the kill
Violence, babe, what a thrill

Pantsless Demon: Just my luck, now I’m fucked
I knew I should have kidnapped Buffy

[stops dead in her tracks, releasing her death grip on the demon’s throat.]

Faith: Buffy.

[Snaps her fingers and gestures for the cowed puppetty minions to come over to her. To them-]

Faith: Go find Buffy. Tell her- tell her anything. Whatever it takes to get her here. Or else I’ll track you down and use the splinters from when I’m done with you to pick this chump [gestures with her head towards Pantsless Demon] outta my teeth. And meanwhile… [she turns back to the demon, running a deceptively gentle hand down the side of his face. Very, very threateningly-] We’ll have some fun of our own, you an’ me. [moves as if to throw a companionable arm around his shoulders, but wrenches him into a headlock instead] What was your name again?

Pantsless Demon: Steve?

Faith: [breaks into giggles] Steve?! [amused, playfully] Well. Steve. Wanna wrestle?

THE MAGIC BOX. TRAINING ROOM. EARLY EVENING.

[Giles and Buffy are mid-training session. She seems distracted. While they exchange blows they talk-]

Buffy: Giles, do you think it’s possible for people to change?

Giles: To… change?

Buffy: Yeah, you know. Who they are- or maybe just, they were always who they are, but their behavior was… not?

Giles: [confused] Ah-

Buffy: I mean, people grow and evolve over time, right? They learn things. They… change. A-and you change. Or maybe you really were always- but- And suddenly you see them in a way you never saw them before. Little things. The way their hair falls softly down over their face. They way their leather pants mold so form-fittingly to their thighs. The altogether seductive way they wield a stake.

[As Buffy has been talking, Giles has started to daze off, preoccupied with his own meandering thoughts. While Buffy continues to babble to herself, Giles begins to sing. Buffy clearly doesn’t hear him, still off on her own tangent, which we cannot hear.]

Giles: I’m still a bachelor at age forty six
My love life ‘round here has been the pits
Maybe I’d have more luck indeed avoiding chicks
But I-
There was that one time back in college when
Got pissed with Ethan and manhandled him
I know this naked gay thing may not be permanent
But I-

I wish I could play this part out
Get with the new plan
Wish I could try this gay thing
Find myself a man
Wish I could stay queer
But I know it won’t last
I know I’m
Not really gay

It’s clear in love and sex that I’ve been gypped
And those bloody Scoobies shag like nobody’s business
Maybe I could get some, even if it’s just short-lived
But I-
I wish I could take advantage
Escape my sexless past
Maybe I could talk Spike into it
Get in just one shag
Wish I could stay queer
Get my rocks off at last
But in the end there’s
No escape
I know I’m not-
Not really gay

[As he finishes singing, we tune back into Buffy’s rant.]

Buffy: And, hey- I had needs. Very normal, very natural needs. Urges. And ya know, when you’re fresh from the slaying, your body- or in this case, the body you happen to be inhabiting at the time- doesn’t always give you time to ponder the ethics of masturbation in someone else’s- and besides, she has all those extra hormones that make her- [she trails off, seeing that Giles is now staring at her with a very disturbed expression on his face. Looks up at the clock on the wall.] Whew! Where’d the time go? Good work out. Thanks Giles.

[Embarrassed, she ducks out of the training room. Giles seems to shake off his wiggins and settle back into his own pensive musings. We cut to Tara entering the Magic Box through the backdoor. She sees that Willow is curled up on some cushions facing towards the front of the store. The redhead’s bag is laying open on the light table and a few thick tomes are visible sticking out. Tara walks over silently reads the spine of the foremost book, “Glamours and Charms of Love.” As she picks it up, the book falls open to a well-creased page, the description of the spell begins: “To wreak change, that the one you desire should fall under your sway…” Shocked and hurt, Tara closes the book, unable to read any further. Watching Willow from across the room, Tara begins to sing, the redhead taking no notice of her presence, very much in the way of Buffy in the previous scene.]

Tara: I’m under your spell
God, how can this be
Hacked my sexuality
You worked your charm so well
Willow, what were we?
I thought we were meant to be
You made me believe

[Giles enters the main room of the shop, adding his voice to Tara’s in a duet-]

Giles: Was I really straight before?
Together: And if I was do I want to know?
Can it be so?

Giles: I wish I could play this part out/ Tara: Wish I could just ignore,
Get with the new plan /Go on as before
Wish I could try this gay thing/‘Cause boys they’re such a bore
Find myself a man/I must abhor the girl that I adore,
Oh, I just

Together: Wish I was gay
Wish I was gay
Wish I was gay
Wish I was… gay

[The two of them end up standing side by side watching Buffy and Willow, neither of whom heard a word of the singing, chat towards the front of the store. As the duet ends, the bell over the shop door tinkles and Spike waltzes in with one of the puppetty minions by the scruff of the neck. Xander and Anya appear from the side of the shop as well.]

Spike: Lookee, lookee what I found. This little bugger says he has a message for the slayer. [beat] Well? [shakes him]

Puppetty Minion: The other slayer is here in Sunnydale, at the pool hall, and I think she wants to kick your ass.

Buffy: [her eyes go wide] F-faith? Faith’s here?

Willow: Oh, my God…

Spike: [to the Minion] That it then? [looks him up and down] Well now… Woody, howsabout you let ol’ Spike make you a real boy?

[The puppetty minion manages to break Spike’s grip and hightails it out of the store.]

Spike: [disappointed] Pity. [He eyes Xander curiously, then Giles.]

Buffy: I- I have to go find her. The- the pool hall, he said? [You can just see her mind reeling with nervous anticipation]

Xander: Buffy, do you really think that’s a good idea?

[Buffy turns to him, questioning, then lowers her gaze uncomfortably. She doesn’t, however, seem any less convinced.]

Giles: Xander’s right, Buffy. You’d be walking right into whatever trap she has planned.

Willow: [Anticipating getting to hurt Faith] I dunno, I wouldn’t mind a shot or two at ol’ Faith. I have half a mind to turn her into a-

Tara: [angry] Willow!

[Willow dons a hurt expression as Tara continues to glare at her.]

Buffy: Look, I have to do this.

Xander: Hey, wait a minute.

Anya: What?

Xander: Has anybody stopped to think that this whole skanky group nakedness thing kinda reeks of Faithiness? And now she just happens to show up in town? How much you wanna bet she’s behind it.

Anya: What about the gay stuff?

[Tara gazes warily Willow’s way but doesn’t speak up. Willow noticeably gulps under Tara’s withering look.]

Xander: Who really knows what goes on in twisted mind of Faith? Even if she isn’t behind it, I bet she knows something about it. I say we go down there and-

Buffy: No! You guys should stay here. I’ll go. I can handle this.

Giles: Buffy, I really think-

Buffy: Giles, this is my deal. The Chosen two, remember? If it’s a fight she wants, then I’ll give it to her, but I’m not so sure- [she trails off, again seeming almost shy about discussing Faith.] Look. I’m gonna take care of this. You guys just- don’t worry about it. I should- I should go. [She exits in a hurry.]

Xander: On the off chance that we can get to the bottom of all of this, I say we follow her.

Willow: She needs someone to watch her back.

Anya: Her back? You just wanna watch her- [a pained look from Tara stops Anya mid-sentence] kick Faith’s skanky ass. Giles, what do you think? I’ve had enough of this whole naked gay thing. [Looks kind of sadly at Tara again] I miss wanting to have sex with Xander. At home in bed, in the shower, on the kitchen table, [she looks longingly at the light table behind them where the Scoobs usually do their Scoobiage homework] that table over there-

Willow: Ugh!

Giles: [He hesitates a moment, shaking off the disturbing mental image, but also not seeming completely sure of himself.] Yes, I suppose we had better go and see if we can be of any help, whether Buffy approves or not.

Xander: Well, alright then… [his gaze meanders over to Spike and he continues] big fella, saddle up there… [he licks his lips, gazing lustfully at the vamp a moment before realizing what he has just said] Okay. Chop chop! Time to go. Right now. Feel the nowness of the moment as we make with the going.

[The Scoobies head out looking conflicted but determined. Cut to Buffy walking slowly along the darkened streets of Sunnydale, occasionally passing dancing, pantsless same-sex couples.]

Buffy: [sings] I walk the wire so carefully
A hundred feet above crowd
To save them all
Wanting just to fall
But I can’t let them down…

And from below she calls to me
Her battle cry a siren song
To come to blows
Or naked, writhing throes
I know I must be strong

So I say fuck this desire
‘Cause this has got to stop
I will fight this desire
And get her-

Anya: I’ve had no sex for three whole days
How many more are still to come?
Spike: You said it, ducks
Being a puff sure sucks
Xander: Hey, at least you got some

Together: So we say fuck this desire
We’re all about to pop
Yeah, fuck this desire
And get us-

Giles: Am I giving up my one chance?
To live in gaiety without pants
Can’t I stay this way, don’t ask, don’t tell?
Willow: Didn’t mean to do something bad-
Anya: [looking at Tara] Good God, she’s hot when she’s mad
Tara: Is everything that I feel just a spell?

Together: We’ll find our way, and we’ll go on no longer gay
So we say fuck this desire

Buffy: Still after all, can’t help but wish
Faith: [interposed in the corner of the screen] Why can’t we be…
Buffy: Things could be different this time
No sticks and stones
Just fumbling hands and moans
Faith: Together
Buffy: [tentatively] A little bump and grind

Anya: Things just couldn’t get much gayer
Faith: And now she comes to me
Spike: I’m better off wanting the slayer
Tara: I don’t want to face this world alone
Faith: Poised and ready to attack
Buffy: Scented edible lotions
Xander: Thighs of Spike, oh, god, the shame-
Willow: [glumly] Just wanted to play Mistress of Pain
Faith: I swear I’ll be
The one to make her scream
Giles: Spike, unhand my magic bone
Faith: On her feet or on her back
Spike: [speaking] Right. Sorry, mate.

Buffy: This lesbo lust
Faith: Why doesn’t she…
Buffy: Is finally ending in a bust
Faith: …want me?
All Together: And we will
Fight this desire
No matter the cost
We say
Fuck this desire
And get us
Off
Get us off
Get us off
Get us off

[Buffy smashes through the door of the pool hall. Faith has Steve the Pantsless Demon blindfolded, gagged, and shackled to the wall. There are bruises, bite marks and narrow little cuts marking his blue skin. Faith has acquired a knife somewhere along the way and trails it teasingly along the demon’s thigh. Buffy sees this as she enters and her eyes flash with jealous rage.]

Faith: [with a maniacal gleam in her eye] B! Didn’t think you were gonna make it, girlfriend.

[Buffy approaches her slowly, warily, still looking mighty pissed off.]

Buffy: Oh, you know me. Fashionably late an’ all. But you seem… happily occupied.

[As the blonde slayer nears, Faith’s eyes linger on the abundance of Buffyflesh visible. She rakes her fingernails across Steve’s chest, in the grip of her desire, then closes her eyes momentarily, savoring the image before regaining mastery over herself.]

Faith: Mmmm, yeah. This. [She gestures to the demon with her knife] This brings back memories. You remember, don’t you, B? Seems like only yesterday it was you I had chained up, all helpless… vulnerable. Good times.

[Buffy gulps at this, remembering, and turned on by the memory, starting to waver in her resolve not to give in…]

Faith: [noticing] You alright there, B? Looking a little paler and pastier than usual. Didn’t let another one of those vamp boys you’re so fond of sink his teeth into you a little too deeply, did you? You playin’ for the other side now?

[Faith presses her body flush against the demon’s, her eyes never leaving Buffy’s.]

Buffy: [coldly] Me? No. Five by five.

Faith: [laughs wickedly] That’s my girl. [She leans in and starts sucking on the demon’s ear lobe, taunting Buffy.]

Buffy: [eyeing her angrily] And you- same old Faith…

[Music starts and Buffy sings-]

Buffy: You’re a ho
You little grade A slut
You and your leather clad butt
You’d do Jabba the Hut

You’re a bitch
Intent on causing pain
Like Glory you’re deranged
She should have sucked YOUR brain

[The Puppetty Minions emerge from the shadows and Buffy breaks off for a moment before she continues to sing while she fights them.]

Messed with my friends,
My men
This is where
It ends
You’re going down
You’ll see
You little
Clit tease
[flustered] That is- I mean-
[recovering] You skanky two bit whore
Gonna make you beg for more

[The whole gang bursts into the place in a rush, Giles quickly assessing the situation.]

Buffy: Don’t get me wrong

Giles: [speaking] Anya, Tara, she needs back up.

[Both girls rush to take their places behind the slayer, who has closed her eyes, struggling with herself-]

Buffy: Got to stay strong

[emboldened by her new back-up]
Give me one reason not to kick your ass
[almost pleadingly]
Just one reason not to kick your ass

[Faith merely smirks back at her. Buffy, Anya, and Tara dance a bit, a dance of scorned, sexually-frustrated lovers. Then Buffy sings another verse, slowly approaching the dark slayer-]

Buffy: And so what
If sometimes when we’ve fought
If I’ve occasionally thought
You’re really kind of hot

It’s alright
‘Cause what I’ve got in store
Just what I’ve been aching for
It’s time I kicked your-

[Faith has started to advance now and she and Buffy begin to trade blows, more feeling each other out, it seems, than really trying to do any damage.]

You think your hot
So slick
You and your
High kicks
Your luscious skin
Soft lips

[Faith has swept Buffy’s legs out from under her and they’ve gone down in a tangle of legs, Faith on top. Faith gazes down at her as she sings with her trademark maniacal gleam in her eye.]

I swear I still
Like dick
Oh what… the frick

[Buffy shoves Faith away from her and leaps to her feet. Faith won’t back off, though, and her near proximity is taking a toll on Buffy’s resolve. They circle each other for a moment, Buffy warily, Faith seeming to enjoy herself.]

Why can’t you let me be?
Why is this happening to me?
No, I can’t feel-
This can’t be real

[Buffy takes a few steps nearer to Faith, gazing at her mournfully before she sings-]

Oh God, it’s true
It’s not just some spell
[Flash to Willow’s extremely startled expression for just a moment]
It’s been such hell
I want you
The Chosen Two
Yours, from the start
You’ve had my heart
I choose you
Oh, God, Faith,
I want you-

[Faith stares at Buffy, dumbfounded. Buffy continues to sing, her tone desperate-]

Buffy: Give me a reason not to kick your ass
Please
Just one reason

[Faith’s face is unchanged, still in shock, still taking this in. Interpreting Faith’s lack of reaction as rejection, Buffy begins to dance again, the same frenzied type of dance that we saw earlier with the two “Extra Flamey” lesbians. Smoke starts to pour from Buffy’s body as she moves faster and faster, spinning out of control until out of nowhere someone catches her by the shoulders, stopping her, saving her in the nick of time. It’s Faith, all tenderness-]

Faith: You want me too?
[tenderly] Ya dumb bitch
How could you’ve missed this?
I want you
It’s always been you
Why do you think
I’ve been on the brink?
Can’t you see?
I’ve been going crazy
I’ve always wanted you, B

[Buffy almost can’t believe it. She just stares at Faith, and then a flash of hope crosses her face. Slowly, tentatively, she starts to reach for the dark slayer. Kind of horrified, and realizing that maybe it really is her spell that’s doing this, Willow chants to counteract it.]

Willow: Amoram naturam recursa.

[And the spell ends in a flash of light. Everyone’s clothes magically appear back on as they ought to be. Xander and Anya leap joyously into each other’s arms, making out giddily. Tara looks down at herself in surprise. She is wearing black leather pants with a wide, studded belt, and a black sleeveless shirt held together at the sides with safety pins, on which is imprinted the face of a snarling wild dog. She looks at Willow in shock for a moment and then seems to settle into herself with an intensely focused kind of self-confidence we’ve never seen in Tara before. She stares at Willow with an almost predatory gaze. Faith and Buffy watch each other warily, wistfully, both seeming unsure for a moment, as if they’re afraid it was just the spell after all. Then they pounce on each other and go down in a tangle of groping hands, frenzied kisses and whimpered moans. Giles sighs loudly and then after a moment, he sings a capella before the music comes in behind him-]

Giles: I’ll really miss being queer

[Spike walks up behind him, sadly watching Faith and Buffy go at it.]

Spike and Giles: Yeah, it was good, to be queer…

Giles: Back we go, to the status quo
Where the pickin’s are slim all year
[They look at each other almost mournfully.]
Together: Maybe we should have stayed queer

[Tara and Willow join them now.]

Tara: Suddenly all is clear
[to Willow] You’re in for a world of hurt, my dear

All four together: Joss will see, I’ll never get any
Sweet ecstasy was oh so near
Giles: Tell me
All Together: Why couldn’t we just stay queer?

[Willow and Tara start to get more into the song and then they both stop mid-line, looking at each other in confusion]

Spike and Giles: Our sex lives cold and drear

Willow: Hey, wait a minute-

Spike and Giles: To further his own career

[Tara leers briefly at her girlfriend, then grabs Willow by the hand, dragging her off as Giles and Spike continue to sing and everyone else continues to get some.]

Spike and Giles: At least we didn’t see
Xander, full monty
But he’s a beast in the sack, we hear-
Maybe we should have stayed queer

[From the floor where she and Xander are now heavily making out, Anya suddenly notices that there is singing and choreography going on in the background.]

Anya: Oh my God, have we be singing and dancing this whole time?

Xander: Wow! I didn’t even notice, you know- ‘cause everybody was-

Anya: [nods] Naked and gay. [Taking it in] Huh.

[They both shrug nonchalantly and go back to sucking face. We move now to our two Wiccans out in the alley behind the building.]

Tara: I’d say that you have some explaining to do, you little minx, but I think I understand all too well what you’ve been up to.

Willow: [contritely] I-

[Tara pushes her up against a wall, pinning her arms above her head. The blonde leans in close but doesn’t kiss her, just eyes her like a cat about to pounce. Willow goes into full on apologetic babble mode.]

Willow: I just wanted to be… on top… for a while. You know,… But… I’m glad things are back now, to normal. I wouldn’t have kept you like that forever, you know… I- [she breaks off again, looking up at Tara seductively through half-lidded eyes, her lips parted.]

Tara: [sly grin] Vixen.

[Tara presses their bodies tightly against each other, placing one of her legs firmly between Willow’s, which causes the hacker’s head to loll back against the wall, a moan escaping her lips. Tara sings. Willow joins in, panting heavily-]

Tara: You could have just asked me, you know
Willow: I tried
Tara: Didn’t have to go behind my back
Willow: But I wasn’t sure-

[We angle in from a new direction, slowly pushing in on them. Tara’s hands have disappeared from the frame. Willow’s face contorts with pleasure.]

Tara: You little witch
Willow: Oh, God- please, yes…
Tara: It’s okay, we can switch…

[They kiss hungrily, Tara’s disciplining Willow’s mouth. And the big finish-]

The whole cast all together: [O.S., still on the W/T kissage] Gee, it’s good to be queer.

[Curtain falls across the scene. “The End.” Credits roll. Mutant Enemy monster stalks across the screen and instead of saying “Grr Arrgh!” he bleats like a goat.]