In The Musicals

I feel like I'm in a musical. The last few days have been really wonderful and almost surreal. I wake up in the morning and wonder to myself... is this really happening? Am I falling in love? I just don't want this feeling to stop. It's so exciting, and my heart just wants to burst with joy. I find myself daydreaming and my thoughts wandering over to him every now and then. While I'm with him I forget that I'm sick, and I can't stop smiling. I already feel so much better after this weekend.

I can't wait two more days to see him again...

"there will always be someone to catch you when you fall
you will always be there to catch me
i will always be there to catch you"
- Björk

Sweet November

I had the most wonderful weekend... a weekend that I never want to forget.

"who knows
only time"
- Enya

Mediterannean Dream

I had the loveliest dream last night. I dreamt Cara and I went on a long vacation to Croatia. The resort we went to was on an island right off the coast, and when our flight charter landed, we were immediately whisked away to the beach to meet my two friends, Mia and Melita who were also there for the holidays. I don't remember much about the dream, just that beach was so wonderful, with all the palm trees and ocean was so clear and cool. Now I want to go to Croatia for real!

"just an ordinary boy
but he was looking to the sky"
- Vanessa Carlton

A Lovely Conversation

I had the nicest conversation tonight with a guy on the net. It was just such a great conversation, and afterwards I knew I had made a new friend. Now I just want to talk with him more...

"the look of love
it's saying so much more
than mere words could ever say"
- Susanna Hoffs

Getting Out

Yesterday was a really great day. It was the first time I got out of the house in two months... yeah I know that's pathetic (I'm not disagreeing, am I?). But seeing as I've been sick all this time it was really great just getting out and going to the mall. I'm taking baby steps. My friend Michael also came to visit me and we just had so much fun talking about shit and singing along to music. I was so tired I slept like a log last night, haha!

"i've seen it all
there is no more to see"
- Björk

Love

This weekend was quite an emotional one... and I wasn't even directly involved; I only stood on the sidelines. Once again it made me realise how much breakups hurt, and how much they suck. There's a lot of stuff going through my head, and a lot of emotions making me confused, but there's just one thing I want to say. In order to really be happy with someone you love, you have to trust them enough to give them your heart and to risk being hurt by them, because only then will love prevail.

"all the things she said
all the things she said
running through my head"
- Tatu

Ally McBeal

I swear my life is turning out just like hers... I have to do something to change it!

"dream over me with a tear
anything it takes to wish me here"
- Nikki Hassman

Chocolate Strawberry Cheese Cake

That's what I dreamt about last night. I dreamt I baked a chocolate strawberry cheese cake and then I ate it... it was the most delicious thing I ever tasted! Too bad I can't eat it in real life cause I'm lactose intolerant ::sobs::

"nobody told me you'd feel so good
nobody told me you'd be so beautiful"
- Darius Danesh

The smell of rain

Rain is probably one of my most favourite scents in the world, especially in summer and autumn. This morning when I stepped outside, the smell was so strong, stronger than I remember in a long time. It brought back a lot of memories from my childhood when I used to love playing outside in the rain.

I had an interesting dream the other night. I dreamt I went with my family to some convention or other (can't remember what kind it was); we decided to enter this enormous maze game that was at the convention. While we were waiting in the very long line, my eldest sister and I got separated from the rest of the family. By the time we got through the main doors into the maze, we didn't know where the were. The maze consisted of these huge chambers, each one with a different environment in it. The goal was to get past the obstacles in the chamber and then choose one of two doors that would lead you via a set of tunnels to the next chamber. The main chamber had three doors you could choose from, and Nelle and I didn't know which one the others had chosen, so we chose the left one. I don't remember much about the chambers, only that there were a lot of people in the maze and it was a race against time to get through the obstacles. I don't know what happened at the end of the dream... I think I woke up before it ended.

The dream I had last night was also mildly entertaining. I dreamt I had to help out a friend at a petshop in the mall, and then they asked me if I would like a job their, so I said yes. The dream felt quite long, but I only remember pieces of it. I was walking into one of the large department stores where I was going to meet someone for a date. The whole store was lit up and decorated for Christmas, but the rest of the mall was dark and quiet. There was no one there yet, so I walked back out and leaned against the railing. When I looked down I saw two men coming up the escalator. The first one was shorter than me with light brown hair, and he was wearing a green shirt; I recognised him as my date, but when I saw him I didn't feel any attraction towards him. The second one, however, was a different story. He was tall, dark-haired and slender, and he wore a sky blue shirt. I didn't recognise him at first, but then I realised this was a man who I had loved deeply a very long time ago; I had forgotten about him, but when I saw him, all the memories just came rushing back. It was very strange, since nothing like that has ever happened to me in real life. It was a very powerful feeling, though. That's all I remember about the dream... I seldom remember the endings (which can be very frustrating at times).

I love my dreams. I always have these wonderful feelings and emotions that I hardly get to experience in real life. That's why sometimes I prefer sleeping to real life, because then I can dream and be anything I want to be, and it feels just as real.

"these days
the karma's right
the sun shines bright"
- Jennifer Paige

Nothing's really wrong, just feeling like I don't belong...

I'm not feeling all that well tonight... it's awful being nauseous all the time, but I shouldn't be complaining. There are a lot of people who are far worse off than me.

Usually when I feel sick I get depressed as well... I don't know why. In a way it makes me feel a bit better. There's nothing worse than being all cheery and having to throw up every five seconds. I'd rather me miserable and depressed and wallow in my own self-pity. At times like these I really miss Alexis... We used to be best friends for a while, and we were very close. I helped him through a very difficult time in his life. As we grew older, though, I ceased being the one he would turn to when times got rough. I still turned to him, but I could feel that he was slipping away. We went to different high schools, and I guess after that we just grew in separate directions.

What I remember most about him is that he always used to let me hold his hand when one of us was feeling down. He's not gay, but he never seemed to mind... Sometimes when I feel bad I just think of holding his hand and I already feel better. We don't have contact anymore; I haven't seen him in years. I phoned Alexis last year and we had a short conversation. I could feel that it was a bit forced though; we didn't really have anything to talk about anymore.

I remember one night we promised that we would always be friends. I was too young and too naive to believe that anything could ever pull us apart. I gave a lot to him, because I felt like he'd always be there to keep my secrets safe. But in the end, life took us in different directions, and try how I might, I couldn't stop it. I don't understand why life ends up taking away the people that I feel the most intimate with... it's happened so many times already. Maybe I just have bad judgement when it comes to choosing confidants, but the thing is I always follow my heart, and it always ends up getting broken. I don't understand why people leave just when you need them the most. If only I knew what I was doing wrong I would try to change it.

"i know i can love you much better than this"
- Sarah McLachlan

I had another dream about RuPaul last night... don't ask me why. That makes it the third one in two weeks! I dreamt we were at some kind of audition at my old church, and a lot of my friends were there too. Next thing I new everyone's in my mom's car and we're looking for RuPaul, cause she went missing and we have to be off to school. We find her just as she's coming out of the church after her audition where she sang that song Whitney Houston sang in The Preacher's Wife.

Then we arrive at school (my elemtary school for some reason...) and everyone gets ready and goes to class... oh and suddenly we're all twelve years old, even RuPaul! All I remember was that we were walking across the playground under these enormous oak trees, and autumn leaves were falling everywhere.

I also had a dream about my friend Keith. It was very short... all I dreamed was that I was holding him. I sometimes get these dreams when I feel lonely, and because my dreams are very vivid, the wonderful feeling always spills over into my waking day. Just that feeling of being safe with someone, even if it is only in a dream, is a great thing to experience.

PS: I just want to say my thoughts go out to Jonno's dad who is in the hospital. I hope everything will be all right.

"love is like the stardust of yesterday
the music of the years gone by"
- Natalie Cole

Inspiration

A friend sent me this in an e-mail today:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we
are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most
frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of
God. You're playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing
enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around
you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's
not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are
liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
- Nelson Mandela, Inaugural Speech 1994

Life has been sending me a lot of hints lately, and I think I get the message. It's time to live!

"would you be happier
if you were someone together"
- The Corrs

Apology

Okay, I'm a beeg asshole. I was almost successful in alienating one of the few people that really know me and care for me. Please kindly disregard all the crap I wrote in my previous entry. I'm really sorry, Neilen...

"funny how it seems
i always wind up here with you"
- The Carpenters

Anger

I'm not the type of person that gets angry a lot. In fact, I hardly get angry at all. When my relationship with Neilen ended last year, I wasn't angry. Perhaps it was because I was too overwhelmed by other emotions to be angry as well. During this past year, I looked past what had happened and tried to focus on developing a friendship with him, something that always seemed to be just out of reach. But lately something inside me changed, and the anger that I never felt suddenly came bubbling up. I am angry because of the way things ended between us (which I won't go into detail here), and I'm also angry now that I didn't get angry back then.

I've made peace with the fact that I'll never understand why things ended, but it was probably doomed from the start anyway. I believed that despite what had happened, we could be friends, leaving the past behind and building something new. I've come to realise after a year that that's never going to happen either. What I want and what he wants are two completely different things, and it's impossible to be friends when there's that type of conflict of interest. And yes, I am scared of him because he hurt me once and I'm afraid that he'll do it again; I don't know how to trust someone who broke my heart.

But you know, Neilen, there are a couple of things that you're wrong about. Firstly: I'm not looking for other people to pity me, and I resent the fact that you think that; it just goes to show how little you really know me. Secondly: if I didn't want to help myself, I would've curled up into a little heap and died after you left, but I didn't; I got help, and yes it was hard, but I got over you. Thirdly: yes, it is easier to do nothing, but I don't just do nothing; I'm doing what I should have done a year ago - turning my back and walking away. I never shifted the blame for the things that go wrong in my life on other people, and I never will. I take full responsibility for what goes wrong in my life, and if I make mistakes, I deal with the consequences. And I am sorry if I am going to lose all my friends if I can't afford to pay that much attention to them now, but this is my time to take care of me, and at least I know that when this is over I'll have my sanity, which is more important than all the friends in the world.

If all of this makes me a bad person, then so be it. I never pretended to be a saint; I'm only human. I'm sorry for the disappointment I caused you, but I can't go on hoping and hoping that things will ever be normal between us. Sometimes things just don't work out, and sometimes people just don't get along... this is one of those times.

So if you ever happen to read this, Neilen, for what it's worth, I'm sorry. I will always be grateful for the things you gave me, shared with me and the happy times we had. You are a wonderful man, but I can't afford to have you in my life anymore.

Farewell... I wish you love

"so with my best
my very best
i set you free..."
- Chrissie Hynde

The Sweetest Days

Sometimes I sit and wonder why I'm alive. Don't get me wrong; I'm not suicidal and I'm not going through an existential crisis... although the crisis bit could be debatable. I simply wonder sometimes why I have the life I have, why I am where I am, and what is the reason behind it all.

There is a lot of literature out there that focuses on the good old days, but just exactly what are the good old days? When we look back and remember our past, usually everything seems to have been so much simpler back then. But was it really, or are we just subconsciously choosing to remember the good times? The human consciousness is linear and exists only from moment to moment, and this moment that we have now is all that we have. The past is gone forever and the future may never come. That is why we must live everyday like it is our last.

I am guilty of living in the past, and fearing the future, simply because I have the illusion that things were better in the past, and the belief that whatever the future holds is not worth the risk. I'm working very hard to change that, but it's not easy. I've come to realise that each day is in fact better than the last, if only because I have the chance to breathe again and live again. Last year I probably saw for the first time in my life what a wonderful place the future could be, but somehow this year I lost it. Nw I'm trying my best to get that back, and this time I won't have someone handing it to me on a silver platter - I have to do it all by myself.

We come into this world alone and afraid, unaware of our surroundings and just how hostile a place this is. But if we're very very lucky, we get to leave this world with someone by our side. I want to be one of those people with all my heart, but whether I deserve it is another question. I suppose all of us wants to be one of those lucky few... I know I can pretend like it doesn't matter if I don't find someone, but still inside I long to find love. It makes me angry at times that I have these feelings, but it's probably just human nature.

So everyday we have is a new adventure, whether we like it or not, and everyday that goes by will become the good old days.

these are the days
the sweetest days we'll know
- Vanessa Williams

I had a dream about RuPaul last night. I dreamt I went to his house, and we sat there for hours talking about stuff, watching tv and listening to music. What an odd dream...

"snapshot snapshot
take my snapshot"
- RuPaul

I've been playing tetris all day... mainly because our house is being retiled and I can't really do anything else. I had a dream about my two best friends from senior primary last night. I hardly remember anything about it; all I can recall is that I was walking into a strange house, and when I entered the lounge they were sitting there watching television with a bunch of other people I knew from senior primary. That's it. Lately, all I can remember of my dreams are these little snippits; it's very frustrating.

So I finally went to the doctor and found out why I've been so sick the last few monts. But trust me, you don't want to know what it is... it's very icky. Hopefully with the medication I got I'll be getting better in about a month's time or so.

I can't believe the first week of November is almost over again. Time goes by too fast. In just over two months I turn 20... eek! I'm getting old!

One of my favourite shows, Three Sisters, is back again, yay! I don't know why I love that show so much; maybe it's because I have two older sisters, so I sort of identify with the whole situation.

"but in your dreams whatever they be
dream a little dream of me"
- Mama Cass

Firstly, I'd like to wish Cara a very happy birthday!
Secondly, I'd like to say THAT I'M FREEZING MY ASS OFF! Man it's cold! It's been miserable and rainy all day... so typically Cape Town weather.
I watched Gremlins and Independance Day today; both great movies I haven't seen in a very long time and I thoroughly enjoyed them, especially Gremlins. Anyways, that was my day; not very exciting, rather boring in fact... and now I'm going to bed!

"can you hear the night's deep song"
- Enya

Merry Christmas

Today was an all round Christmasy day for me. First, it was Christmas on BraceFace, which got me in the mood to listen to this all day long. Oh, and then it was the Christmas episode of X-Files (which was a great ep in my opinion, hehe).

Christmas and New Year is my favourite time of the year. Because it's high summer in Cape Town then, everyone is always in a good mood and ready to party. I don't know what I'm going to do for New Year's this year...and it's only two months away! eeeek! Well, it's Christmas first. A lot of my friends and family have their birthdays coming up in the December and January; I swear most of the people I know are Capricorns.

"have yourself a merry little christmas
make the yule tide gay"
- Diana Krall