One only needs to look at the movie “Vacation” with Chevy Chase to relate to a trip I endured in December of 1999. That month I traveled with my friends Shawn and Nils to visit Boston and Montreal, Canada. We each had our own reasons for going. Shawn was interested in visiting a holy shrine in Montreal and seeing where they filmed some wacky foreign movie called ‘Jesus of Montreal’. Nils was interested in some discount surfboards, because everyone knows that the Canadians really know how to surf. And I was just interested in escaping the Jersey cold weather and escaping to a warm sunny climate like Quebec in December. So off we went.
Now everyone knows that a successful trip relies on good preparation. That means you’ve got to have the right vehicle, a decent place to stay, good music, good food, and cool clothes. So we each got ready: Shawn stayed up for 72 consecutive hours so he would be fresh for driving the long haul. Nils blew off his classes where he missed several important exams (remember most learning is done OUTSIDE the classroom). I programmed my VCR to make sure I didn’t miss any episodes of the ‘Brady Bunch” while I was gone.
Shawn graciously volunteered his ‘Charlie the Tracker’ for transportation, we loaded up on snacks (fruit cake and a 24 pack of TAB soda), I brought my ‘Starland Vocal Band’ cassette, and we packed our best duds for the trip. Shawn wore his bagel smock, Nils his swim trunks, and I broke out my blue leisure suit which I usually only wear to weddings and zoning board meetings. We decided the best route to Montreal was to take Route 9 through New Jersey, which only takes four days to get from one end of the state to the other.
To break up the trip, we stopped at my Aunt’s house in North Jersey. My relatives hosted us for dinner and a good night’s sleep, even if we had to sleep in the shed. The next morning after a hearty breakfast of grits and Spam off we went. Nils needed to stop at a bank machine, and since he was a little image conscious he ‘put on his best face’. Shortly after being on the highway for a while, I casually mentioned to Shawn that I should get his registration and insurance card ready for the border crossing in Canada. That was our itinerary, check out Montreal, and then head to Boston to get our annual supply of wicked baked beans.
Well at that moment, I heard the infamous sound of Shawn’s ever-present brief case slam shut. He stated “Oh Shoot” and I figured he was just upset over his bagel sales, but then he informed us that he had taken all his vehicle paperwork out of his Tracker. Since I have a reputation for ‘knowing these things’ I told him we would never get into Canada without that paperwork, unless we were members of the Barenaked Ladies Fan Club. Shawn and Nils had faith in the generosity of the Canadian officials that they would surely let three dudes like us in. Remembering Mike Brady when he had no plans at his Amusement Park Conference, I convinced Shawn and Nils to return home for the papers.
So seven hours later, we are back in New York. Shawn (with us) returned home to kindly bring in the trash cans he forgot to bring in, and got the Tracker papers. So since it was so late in the day, I once again exerted my influence (remember Mike Brady!) to change our plans to go to Boston THEN Montreal. Our appetite for maple syrup was going to have to wait. So after about $300 in pay phone charges, I changed our reservations and called my grandmother in Boston to see if she would take us two days early.
So we’re in Boston. I offer to bring Nils and Shawn on the Grand Tour of Boston, but they diss me for the Art Museum and some exhibition on 12th century pottery. We all have our own tastes I guess. Later in the night we went out to some clubs in Boston. Now Boston is a HIP college town where “the beautiful people’ hang out. Everyone dresses in black and have haircuts that cost more than my car. We made the rounds, and I think we made a big impression because everyone was staring at us wherever we went. I think it was my snazzy hat.
So we decided to find the truly hot spot, where we might see some models or rock stars, so we headed to the “Candle Pin Bowling Alley”. After rocking the house we caught some shut-eye. My grandmother was thrilled to have us, but she wouldn’t let us leave until we ate three trays of lasagna. It was then off to Montreal with that shrine and those surfboards. On the way we stopped at McDonald’s, but I was in my “I’m never eating here again phase”. So after downing some packs of pepper we were back on the road.
When we finally arrived at the border, I felt confident that we would easily enter now that we had the proper documents. Shawn was driving and we noticed many vehicles being thoroughly searched. I was worried the authorities may confiscate our TAB, because I heard it was banned in several countries. Shawn cheerfully pulled up to this fierce and brawny border patrol guard, (who had just stripped searched the last two cars.) If I heard the phrase ‘cavity search’ I was making a run for Buffalo.
Well after being asked our business, Shawn replied: “Have you ever seen the movie Jesus of Montreal?” Well Charles Bronson turned into Doris Day as the guard’s face lit up and he cheerfully stated that it was his favorite movie. I think he would have given us Canada at that moment, but hey who really wants Canada? So once again the pie was in my face, and Shawn and Nils considered leaving me on the side of the road for making them drive back to NJ, but hey I speak French, they NEEDED me.
We conveniently arrived at Montreal late at night so we could easily find our hotel in the rain. I told Shawn to look for the ‘tall building’. Since I was the only French linguist in the Tracker, I had fun listening to the other drivers curse at us as we searched for our hotel at 5 mph, I mean 4.239 kph. After arriving at our hotel, we headed out for some dinner. Since the drinking age in French cultures is like 5 or something, we were automatically offered some wine. So we had a great meal, great wine, and a lot of fun.
Then we decided to check out the sights. Now in the brochure it said we were near the “red light” district, which I thought meant there would be some nice Christmas lights along the way. Apparently, that’s the “red & green” light district. But Montreal is great city and truly diverse in its culture and architecture. Even Wal-Mart looks classy in Quebec.
The next day, we spent most of the day debating whether we should drive or walk to the shrine where Jesus of Montreal was filmed. When we finally arrived at the beautiful mountain top cathedral, Shawn eagerly looked for the shrine. Well when we arrived, a la Wally World, the shrine was closed for renovations, or there was a hockey game on TV, I don’t quite remember. It was hard on Shawn, but hey it gave him an excuse to return to Montreal someday.
In the end, Shawn was glad to see the cathedral, Nils got his surfboard, and I got the ‘Bachman-Turner Overdrive’ Tape I was looking for. After five days cramped in the Tracker with my friends, it was back to New Jersey. And if you ever have any problems at the border, just ask Jesus for a little help.
