December 2002

The Bovine Trilogy Episode II: Attack of the Linguae

Alright... two things you'll notice right off the bat... First and foremost I am nowhere to be found in this wacky photo.  You'll understand in a bit.  Second this is not an actual photo but rather a clip for the local news paper.  So here's what's up: In Adrian I am part of an ecumenical group of youth pastors and last year was our Second Annual All Night New Year's Eve Bash.  (Don't get me started on why there is not going to be a Third Annual New Years Eve Bash, and how my fellow youth pastors think a January 3rd Couple Hour Soiree is going to have a bigger draw, 'cause that's somewhere I probably should not tread in favor of ecumenical politics.)  But anyways back to the photo on hand.  Me and this other Youth Pastor named Josh Montague were MC's for the evening and made kids do all sorts of wacky games for nifty prizes... such as music baby food, bobbing for gum in tapioca pudding, And a fun game called "Spew" involving ginger ale, Alka-Seltzer and really big cheeks.  We finished up the night by bringing all the winners back for our final game... a Mooing contest.  I'll explain that to you in a:

Bonus Wacky Dialogue

Josh: Well, Shawn, what do you have lined up for our final contest? Shawn: I thought it would be fun to do a mooing contest. Josh:  A mooing contest? Shawn: Ya, you know, bring back up our three winners and see who could moo the best. Josh:  That sounds kind of lame. Shawn: There’s more… I figure each contestant could draw a cow, hold it in front of them and moo into the microphone.  Then the audience could choose who they liked best. Josh:  Still sound pretty dumb… you got anything else worked out instead? Shawn: Well there is one more part to that game. Josh:  What? Shawn: Each person will have to be holding a cow tongue while they do it. Josh:  A cow tongue? Shawn: Yup. Josh:  From an actual cow? Shawn: Yup. Josh:  That’s disgusting! Shawn: Yup. Josh:  Let’s do it. Shawn: So you three are going to have to run to the back of the auditorium, grab the cow tongue, run back up here, draw a cow and moo into the microphone.  Then the audience is going to judge who they like best.  Understand?   Good.  On your mark… Get set… Josh:  Hold on a second. Shawn: What? Josh:  How are they going to draw a cow while they are holding a cow tongue? Shawn: I figured they could use there other hand. Josh:  Can’t they do something more interesting with the tongue? Shawn: Like what? Josh:  I’m not sure… maybe balance it on their head? Shawn: Or maybe they could carry it between their elbows. Josh:  Then how would the be able to draw? Shawn: Right. Josh:  Hey I got it!!! Shawn: I think I know what you’re thinking.  How bout we make them carry the tongue in their mouth? Josh:  I was thinking having them carry it in their pants, but that’s even better. Shawn: [To the audience] How would you like to see these guys carry the cow tongues in their mouth? Audience: Cheers [hopefully] Shawn: So what you need to do is run to the back of the auditorium, pick up the cow tongue in you mouth, run back up here, draw a cow and moo into the microphone. Josh:  How are they going to moo with the cow tongue in their mouth? Shawn: That’s the way cows do it. Josh:  Oh yeah. Shawn: Understand?  Good.  On your mark…  get set… go.

Special Bonus Wacky Story

Well, give or take a few lines that's basically how it went down.  Pretty evil of me using peer pressure like that to make kids carry a cow tongue in their mouth, I know.  But what can I say?  It's who I am.  Anyways one of the kids came up to me afterwards and told me that was the most disgusting thing he had ever done.  I quickly pointed out that he should be grateful that he was not the one who had to cook and carve the tongue 'cause that was all me.   First off, I'm convinced that boiled beef tongue is one of the foulest smelling activities one can engage in... And its putrid odor just fills whatever space you're using; moreover, it just lingers there for more time than I care to recall.  And if that were not bad enough after over an hour of boiling them (which is what I was told would be the maximum amount they'd need to cook) I took one of the tongues out to carve it.  No sooner had I started to slice into the center of that appalling organ of cow communication did blood spurt out all over as if I had just made a b-line for the bovine's jugular...  Not to mention an odor being released that made me long for the sweeter stench of the simply boiling beef tongue.  I mustered all my strength not to puke right then and there.  I threw the tongue back in the pot to boil another couple hours and then tried to mop up the blood.  I tell you, what I won't do for my youth!  At least I had enough sense to use the Church's kitchen. Well for those of you absolutely devastated that I wasn't in the wacky photo, and surprisingly not absolutely disgusted enough to have stopped reading I have another surprise lined up for you.  In case you're curious as to what midnight looked like here's an:

Extra-Special Bonus Wacky Photo (for added fun see if you can find me... I'm in there)

Wacky Photo Archives

© 2002 Shawn Willox