JOKES: About Men, Food Info, Read The Signs<title> </head> <body bgcolor=white> <h2><P> <a href="http://shop.barnesandnoble.com/booksearch/isbnInquiry.asp?userid=3M7NCCQRZC&mscssid=MECTWDHNFP2P9MW80A6FQK8PF6MN9B41&sourceid=00001639103361994133&bfdate=05%2D19%2D2001+21%3A35%3A35&isbn=0738898929">Damsel in the Rough</a> Tempesta.</h2><b><h4> Dynamic time-travel novel about a New Yorker stuck in Greece, first century BC. Creative adventure, prehistory characters mixed with the gods of mythology and a gal from Brooklyn with a phenomenal yen to be as funny as hell! <br> </h4> <P> <center> <h1>JOKES</h1></center> <P> <blockquote><h4> <h2> ABOUT MEN</h2> <P> <P><B>Q:</B> What's the difference between government bonds and men? <BR><B>A:</B> Bonds Mature. <P><B>Q:</B> What did God say after creating man? <BR><B>A:</B> I can do better <P><B>Q:</B> Why are men like laxatives? <BR><B>A:</B> They both irritate the shit out of you. <P> Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it?<br> <br>Wife: You wear briefs, don't you? <P>Women who think they are equal to men, lack ambition.<P> <P><B>Q:</B> Why do men want to marry virgins? <BR><B>A:</B> They can't stand criticism. <P><B>Q:</B> What are two reasons men don't mind their own business? <BR><B>A:</B> 1. No mind. 2. No business. <P><B>Q:</B> How is a man like a snowstorm? <BR><B>A:</B> You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it will last. <P><B>Q:</B> What do you call an intelligent man in America? <BR><B>A:</B> A tourist. <P><B>Q:</B> Why do men name their penises? <BR><B>A:</B> Because they want to be on first-name basis with the person who makes all the decisions. <P><B>Q:</B> Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics? <BR><B>A:</B> He had it bronzed. <P><B>Q:</B> Why do men like masturbation? <BR><B>A:</B> It's sex with someone they love. <P><B>Q:</B> What's the difference between a Porcupine and a Corvette? <BR><B>A:</B> The porcupine has pricks on the outside. <P><B>Q:</B> What's a mans view of safe sex? <BR><B>A:</B> A padded headboard. <P><B>Q:</B> Why did God create man? <BR><B>A:</B> Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn. <P><B>Q:</B> Why do men have larger brains than dogs? <BR><B>A:</B> So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties. <P><B>Q:</B> Why do men love computers? <BR><B>A:</B> No matter how hard the drive, their software is a floppy going in. <P><B>Q:</B> What do you call the useless bit of fatty tissue at the end of a penis? <BR><B>A:</B> A man. <P><B>Q:</B> How many men does it take to change a lightbulb? <BR><B>A:</B> Four. One to actually change it, and 3 friends to brag about how he screwed it. <P><B>Q:</B> Why did Moses wander the desert for forty years? <BR><B>A:</B> He wouldn't ask for directions. <P><B>Q:</B> What should you give a man who has everything? <BR><B>A:</B> A woman to show him how to work it. <P><B>Q:</B> How is being at a singles bar different than being at the circus? <BR><B>A:</B> At the circus the clowns don't talk. <P><B>Q:</B> Why do bachelors like smart women? <BR><B>A:</B> Opposites attract. <P><B>Q:</B> Why are husbands like lawn mowers? <BR><B>A:</B> They're hard to get started, emit foul odours and don't work half the time. <P><B>Q:</B> Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? <BR><B>A:</B> Breasts don't have eyes. <P> <h2><center><i><b>If you would be loved, love and be lovable. --Benjamin Franklin</i></b></center></h2> <P> --------------- <P> Johnny had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After a while he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it over and then said a prayer. <br> "Fine", said the pleased mother. "If you ask God to help you not misbehave, He will help you." <br>"Oh, I didn't ask Him to help me not misbehave," said Johnny. "I asked Him to help you put up with me." <P> ------------ <P> <h2>FOOD INFO</h2> <P> 1. Although Italy enjoys many variations of tomato sauce, none has more than five ingredients. <P> 2. Although the combination of chile peppers and oregano for seasoning has been traced to the ancient Aztecs, the present blend is said to be the invention of early Texans. Chili powder today is typically a blend of dried chiles, garlic powder, red peppers, oregano, and cumin. <P> 3. Americans consume more than 10 billion bowls of soup each year. <P> 4. Americans eat an average of 18 pounds of fresh apples each year. The most popular variety in the United States is the Red Delicious. <P> 5. An apple, onion, and potato all have the same taste. The differences in flavor are caused by their smell. To prove this - pinch your nose and take a bite from each. They will all taste sweet. <P> 6. An ear of corn averages 800 kernels in 16 rows. A pound of corn consists of approximately 1,300 kernels. 100 bushels of corn produces approximately 7,280,000 kernels. Corn is produced on every continent of the world with the exception of Antarctica. <P> 7. Ancient Greeks and Romans believed asparagus had medicinal qualities for helping prevent bee stings and relieve toothaches. <P> 8. Ancient Greeks wove marjoram into funeral wreaths and put them on the graves of loved ones. The wreaths served as prayers for the happiness of the deceased in a future life. <P>9. Animal Crackers are not really crackers, but cookies that were imported to the US from England in the late 1800s. Barnum's circus-like boxes were designed with a string handle so that they could be hung on a Christmas tree. <P> 10. Apples are a member of the rose family. <P> <H2>READ THE SIGNS:</h2> <P> On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."<P> Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."<P> In a Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."<P> On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push."<P> At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."<P> At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."<P> Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."<P> Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."<P> At an Auto Body Shop: "May we have the next dents?"<P> In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here."<P> In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"<P> On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."<P> At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."<P> On the side of a Garbage Truck: "We've got what it takes to take what you've got."<P> On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."<P> In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."<P> Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."<P> In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."<P> <br> <h2></h2> <P> <P> </h4> <h5><a href="http://www.oocities.org/Athens/8797/">HOME: __http://www.oocities.org/Athens/8797/</a></h5> </body> </html>