The U.S. is a moral nation -
it is proved by the polls which give
a 75% acceptance rate to President Clinton.
We have taken the Judeo-Christian concept
of forgiveness to unprecedented heights.

Ginsberg was an ambulance chaser -
now he has a ''siren'' for a client.

Feminists see a Republican groping,
its sexual harassment.
Feminists see a Democrat groping,
well - it could be the Heimlich maneuver.

Sex education in the schools
is now in the form of a class trip to Washington.

--Mark Russell, 2 April 1998

Clinton is the father of Alex McBeal's imaginary baby.

--David Letterman, 3 April 1998

Clinton is very upset about dalight savings time -
he loses an hour of sex.

--David Letterman, 6 April 1998

If America is willing
to trust rheir country to a man
they wouldn't trust their daughter to,
then it is we that are in trouble.

--Bennet

It doesn't matter what you do in high school
as long as you make them look like losers at the reunion.

--Harry Solomon, 3rd Rock From the Sun

Where...the ENIAC is equipped with
18,000 vacuum tubes
and weighs over only 30 tons.
computers in the future
may have just 1000 vacuum tubes
and weigh just 1 1/2 tons.

--Popular Mechanics, March 1949, p.258

Sam Donaldson appears to be part Romulan.

--Bruce Wilson, 1 May 1966

The trouble with any peacetime all-volunteer army
is that the enlisted men in one
are often no smarter than the officers.

The average bright young man who is drafted
hates the whole business because
an army always tries to eliminate the
individual differences in men.
...It is not always, or even usually,
the best marchers who make the best fighters.

...obscenities...I think a lot of dumb people
do it because they can't think
of what they want to say and
they're frustrated.
A lot of smart people do it
to pretend they aren't very smart--
want to be just one of the boys.

--excerpts A Few Minutes With Andy Rooney

Character is the only
secure foundation of the state.

--President Calvin Coolidge, 1924

Character doesn't matter.

--dead-head Clinton-Kenndedy liberals

Tell me character does not matter,
tell me everybody else does it.
On Nov 30 (Memorial Day)
go to a military graveyard and speak to the dead;
tell them what fools they were
because they believed in duty and honor.

--David J. RayValley Station, KY 40272

Yes, the President should resign.
He has lied to the American People,
time and time again, and betrayed their trust.
He is no longer an effective leader.
Since hea has admitted his guilt,
their is no reason to put the
American people through an impeachment.
He will serve absolutely no purpose
in finishing out his term;
the only possible solution is for
the President to save some dignity and resign.

--Bill Clinton on Richard Nixon, 1974

Rap is to music
as Etch-O-Sketch © is to art.

--Do you know who said it?

Do you know why you never see
a rap ''singer'' smile?
because they know that you know
that they can't sing.

--Bruce Wilson

The world must be filled with unsuccessful
musical careers like mine,
and it's probably a good thing.
We don't need a lot of bad musicians
filling the air with unnecessary sounds.
some of the professionals are bad enough.

--Andrew A. Rooney
''Not That You Asked..''The Silent Sound of Music

(Speaking on the Clinton tax return)
He got a big write-off because
during his term
the Office of the President
was so depreciated.

--Bill Maher, 14 April 1998

On the revelation that the FBI had maintained
files on Groucho Marx for over 30 years:
"Thank God for vigilance. We will
never know how close our country
came to being taken over by a
fast-talking, quick-thinking, skirt-chaser."

--Argus Hamilton

quoted by Paul Harvey21 Oct 98

A devout young man was being given
a tour of Heaven by Gabriel
Soon, he was shown a huge building
which Gabriel said was the hall of time.
Inside, their were millions of clocks
of all sizes and shapes.
The young man noted they were all moving
at different rates of speed. The second hand
on some clocks barely moved, while on
a few, the hands seemed to fly around the clock face.
Curious about the many clocks and various
speeds, he asked Gabriel about it.
"Oh", said Gabriel, "there is a clock for
each person on the earth. The hands
spin at the rate the owners lie.
The more lies, the faster the hands move."
He noticed one huge clock fastened to the ceiling,
its hands twirling at a blinding rate.
"What about that one?" he asked.
"Oh, that's Bill Clinton's. We use it as a ceiling fan."

While Clinton was in California stumping
for Barbara Boxer, Steven Spielberg asked him
who his favorite actor was. He was
aghast when Bill replied "Why, Charlton Heston."
"Are you sure about that?" Spielberg asked.
"Why, yes, he is a fine actor. I especialy liked
him in that classic movie, "The Nine Commandments".

A good young liberal Harvard graduate
decided to go into politics in Texas.
While driving around one day,
stumping for the Texas senate,
he saw on old indian rancher working
in his holding pen. He stopped his car,
climbed the fence, and walked up to him.
"Sir," he called, enthusiastically, "I see
that you are an Indian. I want you
to know that Indian rights have always been a top priority to me."
"Oomgolly!" exclaimed the old Indian.
Excited, the young liberal thought, "I have him"
He continued, "Yes, and I plan
to fight for more Indian rights if elected."
"Oomgolly!"
"That's right, and I am going to
get more government programs for Indians."
"Oomgolly!"
"And I am going to fight for moreand better
schools on Indian reservations."
"Oomgolly!"
"And I am going to insure that Indians
such as you get higher profits from your ranching."
"Oomgolly!"
"I hope I can count on your vote on election Day""
"Well, young man, we shall certainly see.
By the way, just go out through the Gate.
It's easier than climbing the fence.
But watch out. The cattle congregate
there, and the oomgolly is really deep."

It depends on what the meaning of the word "is" is.

"President" Willian Jefferson Clinton

I'll tell you why we have crappy teachers --
It's the Democrats. The Democrats
protect the unions
that protect the crappy teachers.

Bill Maher, 24 Nov 98

(Amazing -- he was right on this one.)

Argus Hamilton says he spotted President Clinton
at an urban mall.
He was perched on Santa's lap,
debating Santa about the meaning
of the word "good".

Paul Harvey, 5Dec 98

If the President lied
to the American people
he should resign.

Bill Clinton on Nixon

in failed 1974 Congressional bid

It's Not our place
to say something
for or against the cause
It's our place to report the news.

--Sam Donaldson, GMA Sunday, 22 Nov 98

Wonderful sentiment.
Now,
if only they would live up to it.

--Bruce Wilson, 22 Nov 98

Monica Lewinski has been staying in the
Presidential suite at the D.C. Mayfolower Hotel.
Argus Hamilton says for over a hundred years,
politicians, lawyers, and lobbyists
have stayed at the Mayflower Hotel.
It is the only hotel in the world
where the Gideon Bible is on a chain.

Paul Harvey, 27 Jan 1999

(Close to what was on radio)
O.J. is still looking for
the real killer.
President Clinton still doesn't know
what the meaning of the word "is" is,
and we the people
are so prosperous we don't care.

Paul Harvey, 4 Feb 1999

quoting Steve Miller

Actually, some of us still care. Bruce

Argus Hamilton, on seeing the photo of
Presidents Ford, Carter, Bush, and Clinton
on a plane together because of
the funeral of King Hussein of Jordan
said it was like seeing,
"Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil, and
'It all depends on your definition of evil.' "

Paul Harvey, 10 Feb 1999

The American republic is so divided
there is only one way
you could please 100% of them:
If they could see Ken Starr and
Bill Clinton working side by side...
in the prison laundry.

Mark Russell, 10 Feb 1999

Don't wait for your ship to come in;
Swim out to it!

On returning from a scientific symposium:
''There were a lot of fools at the conference.
Pompous fools--
and pompous fools drive me up the wall.
Ordinary fools are all right;
you can talk to them and try to help them.
But pompous fools--guys who are
covering it all over and impressing people
as to how wonderful they are
with all this hocus-pocus--
that I cannot stand.''

--Dr. Richard Feynaman, Physacist

How the White House differs from 'Spin City'-
Clinton is a sexual predator,
not a moron.

Politically Incorrect
POLL 2Mar99

Before operating your mouth,
insure your brain is in gear.

--Walter C. Wilson, 1950's my dad

Exact Quote
Vice President
Al Gore

"I created the Internet."

Al Gore, Early Mar99

That must have been a real shock
to the people who really created the internet.
I think he should have listened to my dad.

And maybe Bill should have, too.

"Keep in mind, I think when I became president
in 1993 there were still only 50 or 60 sites
on the Internet, and now there are
millions and millions."

Bill Clinton, 19 March 1999

Yugoslav President Slobodan Milosevic
has asked the refugees to return
to their homes.
I guess he realized it would be
harder to murder them
in another country.

Bruce Wilson, 1 April 1999

Man has the capacity to be more
than a flower-picking primate.
We need more thinking, not less,
and a society that does not value trained intelligence
is doomed.

--Dr. Sidney Cohen, medical researcher

It is absolutely wrong and
against American concept
to have a bilingual education program
that is now openly, admittedly dedicated
to preserving their native language
and never getting them adequate
in English so they can go out
into the job market and participate.

--Ronald Reagan

The federal government has sponsored research
that has produced a tomato
that is perfect in every respect,
except that you can't eat it.
We should make every effort
to make sure this disease,
often referred to as ''progress,''
doesn't spread.

''and more by Andry Rooney''Fresh Fruits and Vegetables Incorporated

--All men are not created equal
but should be treated as though they were
under the law.

''and more by Andry Rooney''Rules of Life

In 1787, after the delegates in Philadelphia
signed the new United States Constitution,
a woman approached Benjamin Franklin.
"Well, Doctor," she asked,
''what have we got, a republic or a monarchy?''
Franklin responded,
''A republic, if you can keep it.''

"Those who would give up essential liberty
to purchase a little temporary safety
deserve neither liberty nor safety.

--Benjamin Franklin

Lady Aster to Winstom Churchill:
"If You were my husband, I would put poison in your coffee."
His reply:
"If you were my wife, I would drink it."

Argus Hamilton says he's having trouble
understanding an administration that
is controlling hand guns,
and giving away nuclear weapons.

--Quoted by Paul Harvey, 22 May 1999

The House half of Congress has voted
a pay raise for the President.
It will almost surely pass the full Congress,
doubling the Presidents pay to $400,000...
Unless, of course, Elizabeth Dole wins.
Then, I imagine, it will be 75% of that.

--Dennis Miller, May 1999

Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight.
After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders.
The President asked for a whisky & soda, which was brought and placed before him.
The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink.
Falwell replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!"
The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice..."

So many things unanswered questions about me,
so little time to investigate.

--Bill Clintion April 2000

An Israeli woman called
the Palestinian terrorists animals
I think that is a terrible insult -

TO THE ANIMALS!

"If Howard Dean was living back [when Paul Revere came riding through] he would have yelled out the window, 'Shut up I'm trying to get some sleep in here.' It's a disgrace."

--Sen. Zell Miller, Dem

"The people have given us the duty to defend them, and that duty sometimes requires the violent restraint of violent men. In some cases, the measured use of force is all that protects us from a chaotic world ruled by force."

--President George W. Bush 19 November 2003, Whitehall Palace, London

"Marriage is a sacred institution between a man and a woman."

--President George W. Bush

"And so, my fellow Americans: ask not what your country can do for you -- ask what you can do for your country."

"the same revolutionary beliefs for which our forebears fought are still at issue around the globe -- the belief that the rights of man come not from the generosity of the state but from the hand of God."

--President John Kennedy inaugural address, January 20, 1961

"And if you think labeling our spruces and firs 'holiday trees' is the solution to the season's wars, just wait until the ACLU realizes what the dictionary already makes clear: That the word 'holiday' itself comes from the Old English 'holy day'."

--The Wall Street Journal

"The president is not the kind to give up a fight. His staffers were known to say, 'If Clinton were the Titanic, the iceberg would sink.'"

- President G. W. Bush at Clinton Library dedication

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--Jesse Jackson paraphrased

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HEADLINE

--unknown

--Barbara Bush after George's jump

--Jay Leno

--Jay Leno 7Nov97

--Mae West

--King Solomon

--Noah Webster

--Henry Kissinger

--David Letterman, 3 March, 1998

--Paul Harvey, 30Dec'97

--Mary Bly

Bruce Wilson

--Tracy Ullman - '98 American Comedy Awards

--Jay Leno, 16 March 1998

--Mike McCury

--Kazinski

--TV Guide, Feb 21-27, p.34

--Dennis Miller on Politically Incorrect 8 Jan '98

--Woody Allen

--UNK E-mail if you know

--Jay Leno, 20 March 1998

--Jay Leno, March 1998

--Jay Leno, 24 March 1998

--Bill Maher, 24 March 1998

--David Letterman, 1 April 1998

--Mark Russell, 2 April 1998

--David Letterman, 3 April 1998

--David Letterman, 6 April 1998

--Bennet

--Harry Solomon, 3rd Rock From the Sun

--Popular Mechanics, March 1949, p.258

--Bruce Wilson, 1 May 1966

--excerpts A Few Minutes With Andy Rooney

--President Calvin Coolidge, 1924

--dead-head Clinton-Kenndedy liberals

--David J. RayValley Station, KY 40272

--Bill Clinton on Richard Nixon, 1974

--Do you know who said it?

--Bruce Wilson

--Andrew A. Rooney''Not That You Asked..''The Silent Sound of Music

--Bill Maher, 14 April 1998

--Argus Hamilton

quoted by Paul Harvey21 Oct 98

"President" Willian Jefferson Clinton

Bill Maher, 24 Nov 98

Paul Harvey, 5Dec 98

Bill Clinton on Nixon

in failed 1974 Congressional bid

--Sam Donaldson, GMA Sunday, 22 Nov 98

--Bruce Wilson, 22 Nov 98

Paul Harvey, 27 Jan 1999

Paul Harvey, 4 Feb 1999

quoting Steve Miller

Paul Harvey, 10 Feb 1999

Mark Russell, 10 Feb 1999

--Dr. Richard Feynaman, Physacist

Politically IncorrectPOLL 2Mar99

--Walter C. Wilson, 1950's my dad

Exact QuoteVice PresidentAl Gore

Al Gore, Early Mar99

Bill Clinton, 19 March 1999

Bruce Wilson, 1 April 1999

--Dr. Sidney Cohen, medical researcher

--Ronald Reagan

''and more by Andry Rooney''Fresh Fruits and Vegetables Incorporated

''and more by Andry Rooney''Rules of Life

--Andrew A. Rooney
''Not That You Asked..''The Silent Sound of Music

Politically Incorrect
POLL 2Mar99

Exact Quote
Vice President
Al Gore

So many things unanswered questions about me,
so little time to investigate.

An Israeli woman called
the Palestinian terrorists animals
I think that is a terrible insult -