From The Bubble

    The only reason you get any work out of me at all is because I have a sense of obligation to you. I do not

believe in this style of teaching/learning. I don't know if that's just because I don't want to work, or because it is
not the style that is best for me, or because of some completely different reason. I do know that I can not stand

this style of learning, that it is a fight for me to give you anything. My sense of obligation is fighting my desire

for what is best for me.    Pain may be good for you, but that is only when you are comfortable with pain. I am

not cofortable with the pain I feel when I do that which is expected of me by Mercersburg. I am comfortable

with the pain I get when I try to figure out something intriguing, when I have no guidance but my own form of

logic and intuition. It doesn't matter wheter that something is develoing an electric car that is 100% efficient,

making sure the square root of negative one truly doesn't exist or determining the use of language in propaganda.
I 've worked on all of these over the years, worked until I had headaches so bad I could barely see straight. Yet

I enjoyed those experiences. I did not enjoy having to read Jayne Eyre, nor did I enjoy writing about what seems
to be a hundred different books over my school career. That just wasn't who I was and did me no good. It did

not cause me to be inspired or to expand my brain capacity. It didn't even give me a good night's sleep. And it

wasted at least 30 hours of my life that I could have used on spething slightly more productive. Perhaps I would
have used that extra time to watch TV or play on the computer or something "unproductive" like that. Perhaps I

would have used that time to further m observations on humankind, to read about some sort of new generator

that was 99% efficient, or simply sit and daydream. Perhaps I watched more TV as a kid simply because I

didn't want to do my homewrk, but guilt ate me up so I couldn't concetrate on any of my own thoghts so I

turned off my brain and let something fill it with pretty pictures. I know I do that now. Rather than work on a

difficult problem for fifteen minutes and put it on hold (something I doubt I'm able to do.), I check my e-mail,

sleep, play, just sit and do absolutely nothing. If I didn't feel the need to go to classes or do my homework, I

would spend more time on things like defining a soul, discovering what Kant meant by a priori images, and

attacking one of Socrates dialogues to see what I could see. I know this is a rant and will not always be logical,

but emotions have just as much to do with learning as the mind. When I get worked up over a piece of

literature, I will dissect it to its inner core. I do that with any philosophy I fet my hands on. At least I do when I
have time and energy after trying to force myself to do what you demand.

      Who the hell are you to tell me what's worth learning? We are two totally different people with totaly

different attitudes on life. Why should you tell me that I need to know this or that? Why should I not tell you

I'm interested in this and this and this, and although I could do that with ease, it does not interest me enough to

study? Why have I never studied Greek or done anything in depth with the Chinese? Why could I not learn

about calculus based phusics when I asked about it? My mind was ready and willing. I would have sucked up

the information like a sponge. N need to wish you could just pour knowledge into my head. No need to say,

"Please try. Do your work."

     The statement that some of are lazy can not be proved simply because we don't do the work you tell us to

do. I don't care about the real world. I do not wish to succeed in the real world. I simply wish to survive, and

I know what to do to survive and thrive in my own fashion. I have happiness wrapped up in a bag. As long as

I am free to do what I want and need to. YOU STARVE ME!!! You force vegetables down my throat when I

need bread. You thrust vitamins at me when I need minerals. Why can you not understand that I am unique and

can not fit a mold of education? I can not do it. I 've tried for 12 years. I can not do it. I do not fit your

pattern, nor do thousands of others.

     If some of us truly are lazy, we will turn out to be no accounts who will not take up the space in the upper

levels of society. That is if we are allowed to do what we want. However when people thrust education and

their own vaules on us, there is a very good chance that those lazy, but slightly talented people may just end up in
positions of power. Even talented they willl sometimes fail to do what needs doing simply because they are lazy.
You are not helping society by perpetuating them.

     The need to succeed materialistically in this world is a belief. It is confrontational with certain religious

beliefs. I do not believe that education is truly anti-religious, but rather that is a tool to increase one's depth of

knowledge and power. It gives us the tools to get beyond the simple religions of the primitives that siply say

there is a god, and that god demands this of us. I know this rant is organized but don't care. Do not look on it

as a whole but rather look at the individual ideas. Please. This is stream of conciousness writing, It is how my

brain works. I do believe that my thinking capatiy has decreased because of doing schoolwork. I can no longer

concetrate the way I used to. I can no longer remember the way I used to. I have no scientific proof that

school has anything to do with it, but considering the times I've spent an entire evening just copuing from a

book, I believe that school has done something absolutely horrific to me. It didn't just stunt my growth, but

broke my back and made me shrink. I can not allow that to happen. Yet I have no choice. No I do have a

choice but I'm scared to take the choice of freedom. Even as I'm ranting at you, I'm asking your permission to

be free. I do not have the guts to go against the authority of popular belief. You have power over me and I hate

that. I hate my cowardice. I hate it with a passion you can not understand. It is a weakness, and if I am to

change the world I can not afford to be weak. I have many weaknesses, I know. But I hate it when one of

them is to bow down to the same thing I'm trying to change. Do you realize how despairing it is to see the entire
world against you? All of society? You are one little person going up against the powers that be and you're not

even sure you're in the right. You can't say you know what the truth is but you're sure they don't either, and

they don't profess even that. Socrates said he was wiser because he knew he was ignorant. I know I'm

ignorant of countless things, but none of them is the fact that I am ignorant of the truth. That scares me as

much as anything. How can you take a stand on nothing? I question my own beliefs with twice the fervor with

which I question your actions. I will not allow myself to stand on a falsehod, but I have no way of determining

truth. I use what I can, logic and the intuition of quality. I just hope they aren't falsehoods themselves. I have

to assume something, and those two things attatched themselves to me early as methods of obtaining knowledge.
Reason and intuition. Perhas they are correct. I doubt I'll ever know with my limited usage of the vast stores

of brain I have. I'm probably using between 15 and 20 percent at my most productive moments, and yet I still

can not grasp half of what I need to. I need about a thirteen -track mind with instan recall. I believe it is

possible for humans to achieve the greatness needed to truly answer these questions. I question that belief as

well but I still believe it. I know I will not be the one to gain the answer. It is too late for me. I simply hope to

help create the ones who can. There are exercises that help increase the strength and percentage of the brain

used. Why are these not in the curriculum of any educational facility I have heard of? Why do we not teach our
children to think better becfore teaching them facts they might not use in all their life? A few years of such

exercises and they might be able to learn what you want them to with no trouble. So many questions. I need

help. I need to know that I am not alone in this. I need to know that it's not just the few others you view as lazy
louts and myself. I need to know that somewhere, at sometime, you who hold the power used to think this way.
Used to dream of utopias and happiness. I need to know that you still care enough to remember these thoughts.
I need you to help me. Please! Do not let me drown in despair and gloom. Do not let me see you as an enemy.
I know you are not. I have eveidence of that but not enough to believe it in my heart. I need you to work with

me to create a better world. It will be people like me who can help you the most if you truly want to better your

students. I may be a lazy lout in your eyes, but I am also disillusioned and talented. My mind has spent 12 years
searching for loopholes and mistakes. I am so practiced at it that almost nothing escapes my attention. But I

can't do anything if I have to obey rules that hinder me while working against them. I do not have enough time

to come up with solutions and do what you expect me to. No. It is not time, but energy that I do not have. To

do what you ask of me takes so much energy that I am copletely wasted after it. Sometimes I don't even make

it that far. Trust me I can help you. I have solutions in my head somewhere. If I could I only have time and

energy to work on the problem! I have the talent, and the interest. Now just give me the freedom. Please!