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Local legend claims that the town of Eltham was created by Henry VIII some time during his reign as a place for his many wives to reside while he decided which one he would take to his mothers that weekend for sunday lunch. During their brief sojourns in Eltham, the wives would amuse themselves on the swings at the park, with a couple of hours at the 'balls and floats' session at the bathing house or feeding the geese at the Tarn, activities you can still enjoy today. One thing they couldn't do however was to play the new pastime sweeping the country from scotland at the Royal Blackheath Club which involved hitting small rocks down rabbit holes with a stick, as it was of course Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden. The now quite morbidly obesce king soon realised that with the wealth of activites available in the town he had no choice but to imprison his spouses in a castle in the woods of Robin of Oxleas in order to keep them in check. He himself would stay in his palace and his wives would be brought to him along the secret tunnel linking the two. The details of the sordid and probably food-orientated activities he got up to in his chamber died with him. When the king passed away after one potted sheep binge too many, Elthams dreams of becoming the nations capital faded and the town entered a barren period until the emergence of young scamps franny howerd and bobby hope. While frankie would amuse locals with his innuendo-ladden comedy, bob would spend his time treading the boards at a the theatre which would soon be named after him in tribute to his success. Upon entering the 21st century, the town has been trying hard to lose its notorious image and recently held a european market in the space between the old postie and clarks, where haiving your feet measured in the electronic machine is just as fun now as it was when you were five. The poor fayre on offer at the market meant that most of the sellers probably lost out, but the situation of the market close to the job centre meant they didn't have far to go to find new emplyment  Other high-profile events include the weekly sales at the St Marys centre of unbranded trainers and low quality tools. If visiting, be sure to stay in the Eltham hotel where the rooms have paded walls and the samaritans are on speed dial. Local historian Gideon Soames will gladly take you on an 'open-top' tour in his sidecar which departs from the station at 9am every sunday but has as yet had no takers. The tour apparently takes in all points of interest including europes oldest aboriginie grave, the dissappointing reservoir, local golfer and sex pest james q-tip quinn's house (although he won't let you in) and concludes with lunch at the tip top top tip fish bar. Gideon fancies himself as a bit of a conspiracy theorist, so enjoy his stories about the two sides of the high street hating each other (curry's v dixons anyone?) He charges 2 and 6 for the ride and if you're lucky you'll get an invite back to sevendroog for a surreal game of bridge with the lifesize cut outs of frankie howerd, bob hope, lee ryan and thierry henry. Fin..

Impress the ladies with Useless Eltham Facts The name 'Eltham' is actually an anagram of the word 'hamlet' which means small village or town. The word Eltham is probably derived from ancient landowner 'elta', with 'ham' meaning settlement. The landlord of the Tudor barn is not a tudor. Sevendroog Castle was named after the fortress of Sevendroog on the Malabar Coast of India which was captured in 1755 by Sir William James The original Eltham Palace was in fact built by Edward IV in the Plantagenent era, and Henry VIII did go there with his six knives. Despite its name, it is never cold inside the Avery Hill Winter Gardens

10 Great Eltham Shops 1. The Fire Place 2. San Fairy Ann Pine 3. Game Station 4. Remember When Records 5. Eltham Models 6. Zoots 7. SE9 8. Daretrend Footwear 9. Kreases 10. That cake shop