stories '03
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Wall of snow: the first boring weeks of january at ctk were lit up by the arrival of heavy snow, which meant our 5-a-side match against the chili's was a farce, and jack got a flat battery after leaving his lights on. This meant that he and steve had a spare couple of hours while they waited for a new battery, and they spent the time constructing a formidable wall of snow outside the college gates. They then made about 100 snowballs and proceeded to batter everyone who came out the gates, and piemans car got special treatment when the snow equivalent of a demolition ball was dumped on his windscreen as he skidded up the hill.The rest of the day was spent sledging in greenwich park, the highlight of which was dicky going head first down a frozen path using a bin liner as a sledge.
Jack's Party: for the third year in a row, a house party at footscray road was on the agenda, and this one was the best ever. The day began with the lads getting pissed on an ingenious blended concoction of archers, vodka, ice cream, ice, lemonade, and any old shite that was lying around in the kitchen. As a result of this, we were all battered by about 4 o'clock before anyone else arrived. Mike provided the most comedy as he tried to have a shower in the presence of james and tommy and broke the bathroom taps. He also filmed his own knob with someones camera, fell asleep under a bush, was the victim of a pretend stabbing, had his jeans ripped from his legs, and played knock-down ginger with the whole of new eltham. Apart from mike, pieman was making offensive comments to a slag, steve bbq'd his school books and his bag and jack spent the whole night in a b&q apron with 'drunk' written on the name tag and talked in a scouse accent to everyone. Too much happened to fit on one page, but i'll summarise by saying charlemagne on the walls, samway's fish finger, illsley wrapped in a poster, dicky's car being attacked and gainsford setting fire to his pubes. Bring on next year!
Glastonbury: Two cars set off completely full of drink, dodgy burgers and rolls from makro, and some tents were taken too. On the first night, jack drank too much sambuca and was so battered he wandered off and died 4 times. There were 11 of us, and we had a fantastic time, sampling the festival atmosphere and making cool new friends. Bullshit. We got pissed and ate the worst burgers and rolls ever known. Steve jizzed into a Johnny and threw it at Samway's face, matt achieved legend status with a david brent banner, robinson slept in jack and steve's tent because he liked their airbeds and pieman saw every single band at the festival, and had afternoon tea with Noel Gallagher. We went to a club in a tent called Spunky (yes) and did some really bad dancing and left, mike threatened the owner of Khan's curry tent, and on one night, steve was drugged and proceded to insult everyone and kick the shit out of pieman, jack and the gazebo. We also had the best fold up chairs ever made stolen about half an hour before we left. And Heidi from the Sugababes is fit. And 'drunkenness is at the very least antisocial'.
Spain: staying in steve's house near Alicante, we got el Presidente knocking on the door to complain about noise due to matt sliding down the stairs on a mattress, and steve rearranging the furniture at 4 in morning.  Steve matt and james chatted up 2 Scandinavian slappers, who then left and were fisted in the toilets by some Spanish Casanova with hairy hands and a 12inch piece. We went to the same club the following night, and only realised after about 3 hours that it was gay night due to a tranny stripper swearing at matt when he questioned his sexuality. The large number of inflatable cocks and men in furry shoes had not previously raised our suspicions because I'm afraid to say, we were very very drunk. Steve then spent the remainder of the holiday with a Geordie lass, who sadly was a Jehovah's Witness (howay) and was quite young, and they started the most intriguing will they/won't they since Paul and Helen in Big Brother 2. 
There was an amazing incident at the local chinese as the waiter spilt hot chicken soup all over steve, and when he came back, he used his strong grasp of english to utter 'fuckin soup'!
Nothing else happened except Samways getting his chipolata out at every given opportunity and more neighbours complaining.
Tested Material: an otherwise average night at the Amersham Arms was lit up by the fine Tested, who were preceded by the worst band ever seen, whose lyrics included the poetic 'Shut your fucking mouth, I will knock you out'. Steve then went on to steal a ginger Scottish wig, spent the whole gig telling Dan Conway what a sex beast he is, and then joining the band on stage to lick his tit and thank the crowd for coming. This followed robinson throwing his boxers at dan in a pre-meditated attack, and completely missing from about 2 metres.
New Years Eve: wasn't sure whether to put this in the 2004 stories, or half in each section, but I can't remember when midnight was so all the story is in here. The day started off with a trip to maggies cafe in Lewisham, which to our horror was shut for the festive period. A toothless hag informed us of a similar eatery down the road but jack and steve ended up having a thai house curry (superb-get the chicken fillet with sweesoursauce too) and everyone else went to wetherspoons for an all day breakfast. Some PS2 action at jack's then followed before we headed off to the glamourous Lee Green for the night. Three hours in the edmund haley was enough to get everyone battered, so at 9 we all staggered across the road to the Old Tigers Head for the makin' trax gig. Steve didn't get in due to his behaivour the last time he was there, when he hurled abuse and cones at the door after being kicked out, but that's another story. Dan did the honourable thing and accompanied steve to a party on the ferrier and the others met up with them later.The gig was superb, with all the classics such as clocks and hush being belted out, and everyone getting down with their bad selves on the dancefloor (see the pictures). James and rob had a game of drunken pool which was of a low standard, and then we headed back to eltham.The highlight of the pub was pieman trying to pull michelle melly, but failing miserably every time. Waited for about 2 hours for the night bus and once on it, got everyone going with a rendition of david brents 'if you don't know me by now'. Once in eltham, dan and steve kicked in an abandoned ford mondeo in the high street, and then we went to a house party. Didn't stay long cos it was shite, but then dan got into a fight and bodyslammed the kid onto the road and kicked the crap out of him. Everyone got involved expcept jack who was combing his eyebrows with a toothbrush and running around the road in his vest.It was eventually broken up with threats of the police coming, and eveyone went off home, and when the police saw us, dan informed them that he hadn't seen any trouble. Our plan to steal a charlton badge was put off for another night, so see the 2004 stories.