The holiday began in typical style with Steve losing his phone before even touching down on Spanish soil, whilst Pie was left with the Irish playboy James Quinn at Gatwick with only his womanising tales for comfort. As the sensational 6 finally met up, a fascinating game of word association took priority over clubbing and naked women. Naming all the countries in the world along with all lagers ever made obviously produced a more satisfying night than any scouse slapper with numerous sex toys and plentiful STDs could ever do.
The first night out on the lash was a somewhat comedy eveining. The night began with a centurion being undertaken, with Dicky proudly making a journey to the toilet on a sub-10 score. He was shortly follwed by other members of the group as the spanish lager began to take its toll, with the toilets pebbledashed with Steve and Jack's insides. James's insistance that he was not leaving the hotel room before he was suitably wankered enough to try it on with even the most horrendous looking women in a bid to get his tally up had devastating consequences for Dicky. Not to be outdone by James's vodka exploits, Dicky decided to join in. That was the last most of the group saw of the young trouble-maker before they later met up with Dicky in an ambulance and Steve by his side. It turns out that Dicky took it upon himself to break a fire hose window after another scouse slag took the piss out of him for the way he said tecquilla. However, an ambulance, 2 policemen and 6 stitches later, the boys were reunited by the seafront. Samways and Quinn took it upon themselves to check out the local talent paying a knockdown price to get into a club. Unfortunately for Samways, he had to watch Quinn not only use the worst chat up line in history (something about it being national kissing day), but then pull the poor girl. Despite thinking she only had eyes for him, Quinn was later devasteated when the pair saw the young girl propped up against a bike, quite litterally being pillaged by two locals. Whilst these two were wasting their time and crap dance moves on the ladies, Dicky was being helped into a taxi and taken home by the others.
The next day began with brilliant news that Steve and Dicky had been kicked out of the hotel, to the obvious delight of the others who could not help but feel that the holiday dream was over. Patball would never be the same with only four players. How wrong they were! One new hotel later and the boys were soon keen to get battered again. However,a visit to EDEN nearly ended in Matt very embarrasingly being beaten up by the biggest queer this side of Brighton. After Jack had flicked a bottle cap at his head, the big gay tosser turned around and demanded who threw it. After denials by Samways, Quinn, Murphy, Steve and Dicky, poor old Pie was asleep and oblivious to what was going on. So when the bloke asked if he did it, Pie said yes and was immediatley jumped upon. However, the wanker broke a nail and quickly cried off to his gay lover, before treating the dance floor to some sickening dance moves.
During their stay, the boys became friends with some PR girls who worked at LOLA'S bar with most of them telling one of the unfortunate women that she was the best girl they had ever met after she revealed she loved 3-somes. Samways was playing it cool with her but would they later give into one another?. Dicky also appeared to have fallen for her blonde friend, where fireworks were later created. The girls charms meant that the boys went to their shit bar nearly every night just to talk to them with the hope they might get somewhere. Other bars were visited on their nights out with the boys normally going into whichever bar had the fittest PR girls. It was at one of these other bars visited that Quinn preceeded to make a complete tit out of himself. Samways and Dicky had rounded up some young ladies with the doomed hope they might get somewhere. Quinn made sure that didn't happen. Firstly, he approached a girl Samways was talking to and told her that Samways told women his name was Vinny so that when he got them pregnant, they wouldn't be able to track him down. For some reason Samways didn't manage to pull her. He then told the rest of the girls that he had never failed to satisfy a women before being sick in front of her. Embarrassed by Quinn's actions, 'Vinny' and Dicky left empty handed. Meanwhile, pie paid a visit to the toilets, lifting up the lid which unbeknown to him had a line of coke on it. The bar owner who had just set it up before popping out to get something wasn't best pleased to return and see his line down the back of the toilet.
Between nights out on the town the lads spent the days playing crazy golf, go-karting and on the pedalos. Despite Quinn being clear favourite to wipe the floor at crazy golf, he turned in two abysmal performances, allowing matt to claim glory twice with some sexy putting which wouldn't look out of place on the famous Spring Falls course at W.O.G. There was to be another upset at the go-karting as fan's favourite and heir to Rossi's throne Richard Lake trailed in in third place. Some sound driving by scatman was not enough to gain victory as Murphy powered through to take the title. Unfortunately the second race involving pie, quinn, samways and a very fucked off dicky was not as exciting, with the latter citing a dodgy accelerator pedal as the reason behind his demise. Pie's fall from grace after his excellent golf display was so bad that there were reports of an earthquake in australia. He was lapped by everyone at least 3 times and his cautious cornering had the fans in stiches. Dicky managed to secure his much-craved but sadly hollow victory whilst samways recorded the fastest lap of the day with a time of 0.21 seconds (no, there wasn't a fault with the lap timer).
The world-famous Amnesia club was visited by the boys midway through the holiday but nothing could have prepared them for the megastar they were about to bump in to. Whilst throwing some shapes on the dance floor, Jack noticed a soon-to-be hollywood megastar approaching. It was none other than Big Brother hunk Roberto. For some reason he brushed away his adoring female fans and desided to talk to samways, telling him how he intended to shag Lisa Snowdon after meeting her the previous day. Surley Mr Clooney would have comething to say about the reality-rejects attempts to 'Mount' Snowdon.
James was so star-struck that he had to leave the club minutes later after not being able to take in who he had just met. Pie and Steve however weren't taken in by his charms and proceeded to get wankererd on 'cheap' tecquillas. Numerous shots later, Steve was hugging one of Jack's close friends Mr Armitage Shanks and Pie went to take the club by storm. His repeated recitals of the classic one-liner 'I just want a melon' were met with mixed responses with the general riposte being 'you what mate, you want a punch?', usually from some pill head in a muscle vest.
On the final night the boys again met up with the PR girls and went to a club with them. James, Dicky and Steve went off with a girl each, with mixed results. Rumour has it though that Dicky took his back to the apartment and did her “perro” style. His worn out look the next day suggested this was true. Pie and Jack spent the night in the packed club asleep whilst Quinn once again went missing. However, eyewitness reports suggest he paid a hooker to accompany him on the tricky 18 hole crazy golf course at 6 in the morning.
The last day was spent sleeping off hangovers on the beach before the flight home. Ibiza didn’t know what had hit it and will surely never be the same again. The boys finally left, leaving behind many broken hearts, along with broken windows. A truly great holiday.
Glasto '05: the story of how a simple hunt for wellies led us to the chav grandad and an see-through swim shorts.
The party '05: steve and jack's 21st and the extended weekend to prague
Christmas/new year '05: if anything good happens