The Monday three-fourths of SG-1 had been dreading finally arrived, and all four team members had gathered in Daniel’s office to await the general’s announcement over the PA system. “Can’t we just skip today and get on with our lives?” Jack asked petulantly as he slouched on a stool next to the main table in the lab.
“I wish,” Daniel replied shortly, his eyes on his computer as he continued to work on the translation of an artifact SG-6 brought back from their latest mission.
“I do not understand why you would desire to eliminate the next twenty-four hours,” Teal’c commented. “Surely General Hammond’s announcement cannot be that devastating.”
Sam sighed as she sat back on the lab couch. “I don’t know about that, Teal’c. This whole competition thing is going to be very distracting to say the least. And if any of us get voted into it, there’s bound to be one heck of a lot of embarrassment.”
“What time is it?” the distracted archaeologist asked, rubbing his wrist where his watch would normally be. “I left my watch at home this morning.”
Jack snorted. “Trying to put off the inevitable, Daniel? Hoping you’d miss this?”
Daniel looked up from his monitor with narrowed eyes. “Actually, Jack, the clasp is getting pretty worn and I haven’t gotten around to having it fixed yet. I didn’t want to lose it if it broke.”
“It’s almost time, Daniel,” Sam answered his previous question placatingly.
“Good morning, people,” Hammond’s voice echoed from the speaker in the corner of the room promptly on cue. “I’ll try to keep this short. First, I’d like to thank everyone for filling out the ballots. I received one from each of you. Second, all of the participants will meet in the briefing room at 1600 hours to discuss the particulars of the competition. Now for the moment you’ve all been waiting for. Our five bachelorettes, in order of number of ballots cast, are: number five, Sergeant Erica Witherspoon. Number four, Lieutenant Jamie Evans. Number three, Captain Katherine Southhall. Number two, Doctor Janet Fraiser. And number one, Major Samantha Carter.”
The three humans had snickered at the announcement of Janet’s name, then grew deathly silent when Sam’s name was called. After a few beats, Jack couldn’t hold back and started laughing, while Daniel did his best to stare at his desktop and not join the older man. Teal’c merely looked on with a raised eyebrow and a twinkle in his eyes.
Sam’s eyes narrowed as she glared at her commanding officer. “You just wait, sir,” she growled. “The general hasn’t announced the men yet.”
“Oh, I think there’s only one man in here in danger of hearing his name, and he isn’t me. But I hope you kids have fun!”
“Jaaack...” Daniel began through clenched teeth before being interrupted by the continuation of Hammond’s announcement.
“Now for the top five bachelors, in order of votes cast. Number five, Lieutenant David Michaels. Number four, Sergeant Robert Erickson. Number three, Lieutenant Graham Simmons.” Hammond cleared his throat before continuing on with a definite cast of humor in his tone. “Number two, Colonel Jack O’Neill.” Both Sam and Daniel gave the shocked older man a wicked smirk. “And number one, by a landslide, Doctor Daniel Jackson.” The linguist let his head fall to his desk with an audible thud. “Congratulations to the ten of you, and I’ll see you at 1600 hours.” The PA fell silent.
“Oh, God, no,” Daniel murmured into the wood grain. “Oh, dear God, no.”
“How in the hell did I get picked?” Jack blurted once he picked his jaw up off the ground. “I’m too old for this shit!”
Sam sighed as she looked at her two fellow competition participants. “Apparently not, sir. And now we have this to complicate things. Like I don’t have enough projects going on!”
“You and me both,” the archaeologist agreed without bringing his head up. “Work has been piling up lately.”
The colonel harshly kicked at the legs of the stool he was slumped on. “So now I’ve got to come up with some sort of talent? What the hell?”
Two pairs of irritated blue eyes focused on the grumbling man. “You already asked that, Jack,” Daniel snapped as he let himself fall back into his chair. “You’re not the only one this is affecting, remember?”
“Daniel’s right, sir,” Sam chimed in. “We all have to deal with this.”
Jack sighed. “Yeah, yeah, I know. And now we have to wait four hours before we get any specifics. How do we get into these things?”
“I have long noticed the three of you receiving appreciative looks from the personnel of the SGC,” Teal’c said, a small smile lighting up his dark features. “These results do not surprise me.”
“I wondered when you were going to put in your two cents’ worth,” Jack said with a scowl in the Jaffa’s direction. “You’re just lucky we couldn’t have any aliens get involved, or the whole team would be parading our goods in front of everybody. You get your share of looks, too, buddy.”
The big man’s smile grew wider. “Perhaps. But as you have said, I will not be participating in this event. I must ask General Hammond if I will be allowed to witness this competition. I have watched beauty pageants on television, but it should be most interesting to see one in person.” As the others stared at him in shock, Teal’c turned from his position at the end of the main table and left the room.
There was a long moment of silence as the three humans stared at the space their friend had just been standing in. “He’s actually enjoying this,” Daniel finally sputtered.
“Far too much if you ask me,” Jack agreed darkly.
“We are never going to live this down,” Sam moaned, letting her face fall into her hands. The remaining two men merely nodded their acquiescence as the trio began their wait for the meeting that would tell them just what they’d been voted into.
* * * * * * * *
Ten SGC personnel in a variety of moods and one incredibly patient general sat around the table in the briefing room four and a half hours later, having covered the basics of the competition - everyone but Daniel would be required to wear their dress uniforms for the formalwear division, nothing completely lewd or improper for the casualwear division, something tasteful for the talent division - and leaving the floor open for questions. Hammond wasn’t entirely sure he was looking forward to this part of the meeting.
“Um, if there’s some sort of invasion or foothold situation we don’t have to do this, do we, sir?” Captain Katherine Southhall queried somewhat meekly, her bright grey eyes darting around to gauge the others’ reaction to the sentiment. The three members of SG-1 and Janet Fraiser shared an approving look. At least they didn’t have to get the disapproving glare that was bound to result from the question they had all wanted to ask.
The general sighed. “Of course not, Captain. But you have to admit, that is highly unlikely.”
“Not that we can’t wish for it anyway,” Jack muttered. He gave his CO an innocent look at the resulting sharp glance.
“Look, people, I know you don’t really want to do this...”
“Oh, no, sir,” Lieutenant David Michaels chimed in quickly, his tone and expression sincere. “I think this is a wonderful idea and I’m more than looking forward to it. It should be an interesting experience to say the least.”
Everyone in the room blinked in surprise. “And I thought you were bad with your ‘we’re just peaceful explorers’ bit,” O’Neill murmured to Daniel.
“Cute, Jack.”
“Thank you for your support, Lieutenant,” Hammond managed to get out finally once he recovered. “As I was saying, I know most of you aren’t eager to do this. Unfortunately, we’re stuck. Since we are, I expect you to put the same kind of effort into this competition that you do into everything else we do. Think of it this way: if we make the people at the Pentagon see that we’re giving this our all while not taking away from our efficiency and diligence, we’ll have one more feather in our caps when people like Senator Kinsey try to tarnish our name with the President and Joint Chiefs. I won’t have it be said that we don’t take our orders seriously. I know I can count on you all to do whatever it takes to preserve the SGC and her reputation. Now, are there any other questions?” There was complete silence. Not even the ever-irreverent Jack O’Neill could bring himself to toss out a quip in the face of such serious sentiment. “All right, since there are none, I have one more piece of news for you. It seems that the committee that thought up this little boost of morale have decided to try to encourage a bit of base unity that they don’t believe the more individual nature of the rest of the competition will address.” The bald man rolled his eyes. “They want the ten of you to participate in a lip sync contest.”
There was more blinking in surprise at this latest revelation. “Did I hear you right, General?” Daniel asked hesitantly. “A lip sync contest?”
“What in the hell is that supposed to prove? Uh, sir,” Jack added at Hammond’s frown.
The general cleared his throat. “According to the letter I received, the committee believes that a lip sync contest is the easiest way to allow for a large group of people with disparate talents to compete together and have a good time doing it. You can have as many people included from the base as you want, but the ten of you must be major players in the performance. Obviously you can’t include the people who weren’t allowed to participate in the original competition.”
“Do these people have any idea what they’re putting us through?” Lieutenant Jamie Evans asked with a disbelieving expression on her face. There was a general murmuring of agreement from around the table.
Sam let her head fall onto the table on her folded arms, a loud groan preceding the drop. Janet jumped a bit at the sudden movement then rubbed her best friend’s back. “Are you okay, Sam?” she inquired gently.
The blonde woman brought her head up to reveal almost comically stricken features. “I was right before. We are never in a million years going to be able to live this down. Never.” Her face disappeared again. The rest of the people around the table shared a commiserating look of agreement - even Michaels’ enthusiasm had waned at this latest development - before they were all dismissed. This was not going to be fun, not in the slightest.
* * * * * * * *
With two months left before the regional bachelor/bachelorette competition, the reluctant participants found themselves caught up in their preparations on top of everything else they were always busy with. Fortunately enough, no major disasters had come up or seemed to be looming on the horizon, the universe at large appearing to be maintaining a precarious balance between order and chaos. Jack had thought about the two weeks that had passed since the fateful day he and two of his teammates had been chosen for the most likely embarrassing event and decided that a team movie night was in order.
“This is definitely going to drive me right off the deep end!” the colonel complained as he paced around Sam’s living room, the major having offered up her house for the get-together.
“Short trip,” Daniel muttered to Janet from where the pair leaned against the island that separated the large space from the kitchen. The doctor had been invited as well since she also had to suffer through the competition with them on top of being a good friend. The petite physician stifled a giggle.
Jack glared at his friend. “I don’t need any more grief, Daniel. Not only do I have to deal with trying to find something I’m good enough at to throw a performance together for the stupid talent competition, I can’t get ten supposedly mature adults to agree on a song to perform for this lame-ass lip sync competition. Every time I think we’re about to come to a consensus, someone,” here he glared even more viciously at the archaeologist, “refuses to go along with it.”
Blue eyes narrowed behind a pair of wire-rimmed glasses. “I’m not lip syncing to the Air Force alma mater, Jack.”
“Well, why in the hell not?”
“One word: civilian.”
O’Neill growled. “Oh, put that deck away, Daniel. Everyone else was ready to do it.”
Brown eyebrows rose above the lenses in front of them. “One more word: military.”
“Oh, I give up!”
“Sir, Daniel has a point,” Sam commented calmly from where she was going through her movie collection with Teal’c to choose her selection for the evening. “It’s not really fair to expect him to go along with a purely military selection. And it’s not like he’s the only one who’s kept us from reaching a unanimous decision.”
“I know! That’s exactly my point! We’re never going to find a song that makes everybody happy. I don’t know why we’re still trying. Although I’ve reached the point where I just want to pick a song that will tell these boot-licking lackeys exactly what I think of their little morale-boosting exercise. Something really fun for me while successfully sending the message that they can go screw themselves.”
Seeing as Sam had finally chosen a movie, Janet moved over to the well-cushioned recliner next to the matching couch and settled in. She sighed. “Colonel, while I am in total agreement with you, I don’t think we’re going to be able to find anything like that.”
“Actually, I’m with Janet,” Daniel chimed in, seating himself on the center cushion of the sofa as Sam took the arm closest to the doctor. Jack flopped down on his other side. “Although I think I’d be willing to get a little goofy. It’s not like I won’t already be embarrassed enough.”
“I’m beginning to think everyone’s leaning in that direction,” O’Neill muttered as Teal’c settled onto the floor in front of his arm of the couch. “Now if only we could find a song. It’ll have to be a real good one...”
“O’Neill, Major Carter has started the movie,” the Jaffa next to his feet reprimanded him. “Please continue your complaints after it is completed.”
“I’m just saying,” the colonel grumbled, not willing to give up the last word.
Daniel looked at the woman to his immediate left. “So what did you pick?”
Sam grinned a bit sheepishly. “It’s a cheesy musical, but Teal’c and the colonel haven’t seen it yet. You should get a kick out of it.”
The first few measures of the first song started streaming from the surround sound speakers and Daniel couldn’t help but laugh. “Grease 2?” Sam nodded, joining in for a brief spurt of laughter.
Jack had rolled his eyes at the pronouncement, but settled in gamely. He had established the rules, after all: the host gets to pick one movie while Teal’c gets the other. But about halfway through one of the songs firmly caught his attention. A wicked grin transformed his features, and he leaned forward in anticipation.
Daniel couldn’t help but move closer to Sam when he heard the man to his right say under his breath in a decidedly evil tone, “Oh, yeah, that’s the stuff. That’s the stuff, baby.” The linguist wasn’t a hundred percent sure what his friend was referring to, but he was sure that it didn’t bode well - and he wasn’t going to like it.
* * * * * * * *
A month later, Sam and Janet sat on either side of the diminutive doctor’s desk in the infirmary’s office discussing their personal trials and tribulations over the upcoming competition. “Are you kidding?” the blonde physicist asked incredulously. “Cassie was laughing at you?”
The auburn-haired woman nodded as she gave her friend a wry grimace. “Oh, yeah. She was practically in tears. Told me I looked like one of those people that was trying too hard to look like they were so much younger than they really were.” She frowned. “I am not old,” she insisted.
“Of course not. Cassie’s seventeen.”
“So what are you wearing for the casual wear competition?”
Sam shrugged. “I haven’t decided. I have a few outfits in mind, but it’s not like I have a teenage daughter around to laugh at the ones that are going to make me look ridiculous. Do you think I can borrow her for a while?”
Janet chuckled. “I don’t think so. She’s already told me she refuses to have anything more to do with this. She says I’m perfectly capable of making a fool of myself all on my own.”
The two women laughed at that for a few moments before Sam sobered and shared a speculative look with her companion. “Hey, Janet?”
“Yeah, Sam.”
“We both need some help with this thing, right?”
The smaller woman nodded. “I’d say that’s a given.”
“Are we really trying to one-up each other?”
“What do you mean?”
Sam leaned forward and spoke earnestly. “I mean, we’re not really trying to get ahead at the expense of anyone else at the SGC, right? So why don’t we work together and give ourselves the best chance we’ve got? I may not be the biggest supporter of this whole contest, but I can’t stand to lose. And if I can’t win, someone from the SGC should. What do you say?”
Janet grinned wickedly. “I’d say I better call Jamie, Erica, and Katherine in here. Four Corners won’t know what hit them.”
* * * * * * * *
A little later that same day, Daniel and Teal’c walked together toward the doors of the food court at the mall closest to the mountain. “Thanks for coming with me today, Teal’c,” the archaeologist said to his companion with a small smile. “I really appreciate the help.”
“You are welcome, Daniel Jackson. However, I must question why you did not ask O’Neill to accompany you in this endeavor.”
“Jack’s learned the hard way that he doesn’t like shopping with me. He says I shop like a girl.” Daniel grinned. “You should have heard what Sam had to say when I told her that. Anyway, I’d rather have you along. Jack’s no good with clothes.”
Teal’c nodded as they walked inside and past the crowd that lined up at the various mini-restaurants and span of tables. “I understand your reasoning.”
The younger man fought back a burst of laughter. “I figured you would.”
“Is there another reason you did not wish to choose your outfits for the competition with O’Neill?”
Daniel sighed, his smile falling. “Yeah, there is. When this all started I was pretty vocal about my distaste for the whole thing. At first Jack blew it off, but after a while I noticed it was starting to bug him. He may not think too much of this thing, but he has his orders and he’ll back them to the best of his ability. And there I was mouthing off about it, getting pretty nasty and pretty much insulting everything he’s chosen to represent. Not that I haven’t ripped on the military before, but I’ve never done it quite this consistently, especially over such a trivial thing.”
“I have noticed this behavior as well. Would this be the reason you have not vocalized your opinions of the competition as frequently of late?”
“Yeah. Jack doesn’t deserve that, and neither does anyone else. It’s not the people at the SGC’s fault we have to go through with this stupid competition. So, since I can’t complain, I’m going to go the other way. First place is mine.” An evil grin transformed the archaeologist’s features. “And who says I have to tell anyone about my change of heart?”
Teal’c smiled at his friend’s wicked enthusiasm. “How may I assist you in this endeavor, Daniel Jackson? Unfortunately I am somewhat unknowledgeable as to fashion styles and trends.”
“You can’t be any worse than I am, Teal’c. Besides, you’re the one who said you noticed the way people were looking at me, Sam, and Jack. I figure I’ll try things on and you can tell me if they show off what people have been looking at. The more things the outfits show off, the better.” Daniel paused as the two of them reached the center court. He pointed at a men’s clothing shop a short ways down the hall to their right. “That looks like a decent place to start. Shall we?”
“Indeed.”
And they were off.
Go to part three
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