Humour

The following content is NOT intentionally aimed to affend anyone, so my appologies to anybody if they do.

Stories

Walking on Water

As part of an Interfaith community project, A right wing Christian priest, a rabbi, and a Pagan priestess decided that in order to improve relations in the community, they will go on a fishing trip together on a local pond.

They're out in the boat, and the Pagan priestess excuses herself to go to the bathroom back on the shore. She gets out, walks across the water back to shore, and then walks back across the water to the boat.

The Christian priest looks in amazement, crosses himself, and they continue fishing.

It comes on about noon time, and the rabbi realizes they left their lunches back on shore. So he gets up, walks across the water to the shore, retrieves the lunches, and walks back across the water to the boat.

The Christian priest, now completely amazed, and a little bit righteous, thinks, "not to be outdone by two heathens, I can do that too!!" So he gets up, excuses himself to go to the bathroom, takes a step out of the boat and promptly sinks to the bottom.

While he's flailing around in the water, the rabbi looks at the priestess and says:
"Do you think we should have told him about the rocks?"

The Pagan priestess replies:
"What rocks?"

{author unknown}


Footprints

I dreamed that I was walking down the beach with the Goddess. And I looked back and saw footprints in the sand.
But sometimes there were two pairs of footprints, and sometimes there was only one. And the times when there were only one pair of footprints, those were my times of greatest trouble.
So I asked the Goddess. "why, in my greatess need, did you abandon me?"
She replied, "I never left you. You those were the times when we both hopped on one foot." And lo, I was really embarressed for bothering her with such a stupid question.
(Author Unknown)


How To Tell If You're a Military Pagan

1. When you use a flame thrower to light the alter candles.
2. When your athame has a bayonet attachment to fit on your M-16.
3. When your robe is made of camouflage material.
4. When you cakes and wine come from MRE's.
5. When you book of shadows contain plans on defusing bombs, poison antidotes and basic survival techniques.
6. When your circle is marked by barb-wire.
7. When you have to ride an ATV or Hum Vee to get to the coven stead.
8. When you use an artillary shell casing for your God symbol.
9. When you take down a tent to move your coven stead.
10. When your famililiar is a Doberman, Rotweileror German Shepherd.
11. When you use a hubcap for a scrying dish.
12. When you use teargas to smuge when banishing.
13. When your Goddess symbol is Tank Girl.
14. When first degree training includes Ninjas or other forms or martial arts.
15. When your circle name is Spike, Slash, Ripcord, Haweye, Bubba, or anything that ends with'ster'.
16. When you use machine gun to fire to cast your circle.
17. Instead of using an acorn or pine cone, you use a hand granade for a God symbol (if there isn't an artillary shell available).
18. When you use a compass for a divination tool.
19. When you use a bullet on a string for a pendulum.
20. When you call your High Priest "Commander", and you High Priestess as "General".
(Author Unknown)



A Letter From A 3rd Grade Teacher Sent Home To Pagan Parents
By Ld Obyron Irondrake

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Thomas

I write this letter in concern of your daugther, Aradia Moon. Please don't take this the wrong way;however, although she is a straight 'A' student and a very bright child, she has some strange habits that I feel we should address.

Every morning before class, she insists on walking around the classroom with her pencil held in the air. She says she is "drawing down the moon." I told her Art class is in an hour and to please refrain from then to do any drawing.

An speaking of Art class, whenever she draws a night sky, she insists on drawing little circles around all the stars and peolple dancing on the ground.
And that brings up dancing; I had to stop her twice for taking off her clothes during a game of Ring around the Rose!
By the way, what does the term "skyclad" mean?

Aradia has no problem with making friends. I always find her sitting outside during recess with her friends sitting around her in a circle. She likes to share her juice and cookies. It is nice how she wants no one to ever thrist or hunger.
However, when I walked over to see what they were doing, she jumped up and told me to stop, pulled out a little plastic knife and starting waving it in front of me. I thought this was a bit dangerous, so I took her to the Principle's Office.
She explainged to the Principle that she was "opening the circle" to let me in. She also explained that her Mommy and Daddy always told her not to play or run with an "athame" in her hand, that she could poke someones eye out.
I don't know what an "athame" is, but I am glad that she keeps it at home.

As for stories, your daughter tends to make up some whoppers. Just yesterday while I was talking sternley to Tommy Johnson and shaking my finger at him, he started screaming and ran from the room. When I finally caught him, he told me that Aradia told him and the rest of the class that the last time I shook my finger at someone, they caught the chicken pox. I explained to him that the Sally Jones incident was just coincidence and things like that don't really happan.

One of the strangest things that happend was when I asked the children to bring in Halloween decorations for the classroom. Aradia brought in some salt, incense and her family album. I see she has quite a sense of humour.

One of Aradia's worst habbits is that she is very argumentative. We were discussing what the Golden Rule was (Do Unto Others as you would have them Do Unto You), she firmly disagreed with me and stated it was "Do As You Will, but Harm None"and she won't stop syaing "So Mote It Be" after she reads aloud in class. I try to correct her on these matters and she got very angry. She pointed her finger at me and mumbled something under her breath.

In closing, Mr. and Mrs. Thomas, I would like to set up a parent/teacher conference with you sometime next week to discuss these matters. I would like to see you sooner, but I have developed an irritating rash that I am quite worried about.

With Deep Concerns,
Mrs. Livingston
P. S. Blessed Be. I understand that this is a greeting or closing from your country that your daughter informs me is polite and correct.


Pagan In Hell
(Author Unknown)

A good, clean living Pagan died and went to Heaven. St. Peter met him at the gate. "You can't come in here," Peter said.
The pagan asked why.
"you're Pagan... Sorry. But Hell isn't so bad. Your friends are there, and they say it's cool."
Th Pagan is depressed but goes anyway, because he was, well Pagan.

So he goes to Hell and is greeted by a beautiful green field with people picnicking and having a great time. A man in a white suit comes over to him and presents himself as Satan, and the Devil tells him of all the delights in what appears to be a 5 star resort.
"Wow!" thinks the Pagan. "Hell isn't so bad! I'm happy to be here."
Suddenly, the sky gets black and fire spews from the ground. A screaming, flaming man falls from the sky and is swallowed by a crack in the Earth.
After he disappears, everything returns to normal.

"What the heck was that?!" the Pagan asks Satan.

Satan replies, "That was a Christian. They wouldn't have Hell any other way!"

For Newbie's: What this joke calls Hell, we call the Summerland, and Pagans don't believe in Satan. But this joke is still pretty funny.


Why M&M's Are Wiccan:
*MM = Merry Meet
*Round shape for wheel of the year, cycle of seasons
*Skins are different colours, but the inside is the same chocolate, because we are all related.
*Associateds with the colours: Red = South, Green = West, Dark Brown = North, Yellow = East, Orange = For the Solar God Light, Brown = For the Earth Mother (Copper Woman)
*Rotate M&M
M = 13th letter of the alphabet, and there are 13 witches in a coven.
3 = Triple Goddess, Three phases of the Moon.
W = Witchcraft, Wiccan
E = Enlightment, Enchanment of chocolate
*"Melt in your mouth, not in your hand"--God/dess's love must be experienced directly to appreciate. Also God/dess will take care of you.
*Sweetness to remind us of how sweet the love of the God and Godess is!


Jokes

What do ya' call 13 Witches in a hot tub?
A Self-Cleaning Coven

How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?
--None -- if a candle was good enough for Gramma it's good enough for me

What's a witch's favorite subject in school?
SPELLing

How many Witches does it take to change a light bulb?
Depends on what you want to change it into.

How many solitary witches does it take to change a light bulb?
(if they actually ask 'how many?', drum your fingers and stare at them as you wait for them to grasp the obvious)

What do you say to an angry witch?
Ribbit

What do you call a dating club for attached Wiccans?
Craft singles!

Did you hear that Kraft was so offended by that last joke that they moved their maccaroni plants to Israel?
Yeah, now they're called Cheeses of Nazareth!

10 Way to Hack Off A Witch.
1. Ask them if they are Satan worshippers.
2. Be considerate, rearrange their alter so it will look neat.
3. Blow out their alter candle if it is still day light. (no need to waste a good candle!)
4. Pick up their gems for a closer look.
5. Sharpen their dull black-handled knife.
6. Witness to them about "true religion".
7. Untie the knots in their cord.
8. Take hold of their jewellery for a closer look.
9. Play card games with their Tarot cards.
10. Ask if they are Satan worshippers.

What is the best thing about Pagan friens?
They worship thr ground you walk on.

How can you tell a blonde pagan closed the circle?
There is white-out on the floor.

Why do witches use brooms?
Because nature abhors a vacuum.

What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist and a Druid?
Someone who worships the tree that is not there.

A sceptic goes in to see a fortune teller. "You are the father of 2 children," the fortune teller says. "That's what you think! I'm the father of 3 children!" says the man. "That's what you think," says the fortune teller.




One Liners

Practise Safe Hex

My other car is a broom.

Life's a witch and then you fly.

Ankh if you love Isis!

I'm not pagan-but my Goddess is!

Wise Intutive Talented Cultured Humane (WITCH)

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

I have the body of a God: Buddha! ;-)