witchtrivets' primer on gay marriage

You may have noticed that we used the words "marriage," "wedding," "confirmation," and "affirmation" to describe what happened on March 6. We struggled over what to call this event. We finally decided that, although our relationship is not officially sanctioned by the government, it does not change how we feel about each other and our level of commitment to this relationship. However, we do not want to confuse people who may not be aware of all the issues surrounding same-sex marriage.

I've tried to organize all the major ideas:

• Marriage: We cannot get married anywhere in the United States.
  
  
• Massachusetts: Much like the Civil Unions available in Vermont, marriage in MA would only give us the state benefits of marriage available to Massachusetts residents. Also, a 1913 Massachusetts law originally written to block interracial marriages to prevent out-of-staters from getting married in Massachusetts if they are not eligible for marriage in their home state is being applied to same-sex marriages. Either way, marriage in MA is not helpful to us in the short-term, but does serve as a inspiring precedent.
  
  
• Civil Unions and why they don't help us: We could go to Vermont and have a Civil Union. Unfortunately, it would mean absolutely nothing in North Carolina. A Civil Union sanctioned only by the state (in this case, Vermont) gives the couple the state's benefits (in Vermont, 300 state benefits) that come with marriage, but not those of the Federal Government. It is similar to the Domestic Partnership that progressive employers such as mine recognizes. It is very complicated and very limited.
  
  
• Canada: If we were to go to Canada and get married, the United States would not recognize our marriage, so it really does us no good if we plan to live in the US. However, if an American man and woman were to go to Canada and get married, the United States would recognize their marriage.
  
  
• Domestic Partnership is not the same as marriage: All that is available to us is Domestic Partnership through my employer. Domestic Partnership gives mrs. witchtrivets some of the benefits that my employer would automatically grant to her if I were a man and she became my legal wife. It does not grant her all of the benefits married people get and it is very complicated and costs a whole lot more because any benefits my employer provides for her are considered a benefit that is taxable by state and federal government (this means I have to pay over a thousand dollars extra in taxes to insure mrs. witchtrivets). This is not because my employer does not want to give us these rights, it is because the Federal Government does not allow it.
  
  
• Rights Denied Same-Sex Partners: There are over 1000 rights automatically granted straight Americans when they marry. These 1000 rights are automatically to any man and woman who marries anywhere in the US (church weddings, justice of the peace weddings, Vegas weddings, weddings performed by Elvis impersonators, second wedding, third weddings, etc.)
  
  
• The witchtrivets' relationship regardless of laws: We had rings made for each other in Asheville in August of 2003. In November 2003, we signed up for my employer's Domestic Partnership. We are not sure if we will live long enough to see same-sex marriage in the United States, so we decided we would marry ourselves in front of our family and friends. Although we are already as partnered as we can legally be, we would like to everyone to consider March 6, 2004 as our wedding. You can refer to us as partners or spouses.
  
  
• What happens if same-sex marriage is made legal: If, by some chance, we have the opportunity to get married, we will. However, we will definitely not have another ceremony or reception or anything that involves the massive amount of planning and stress that the event on March 6, 2004 required.
  
  
• The Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) and the Federal Marriage Amendment (FMA): The Defense of Marriage Act was signed into law by Bill Clinton in 1996. It defines federal "marriage" as a union between a man and a woman, and then allows states to refuse to recognize same-sex marriages performed in other states. The proposed Federal Marriage Amendment is attempting to take the right to define marriage entirely out of the hands of the states and ensure that we cannot ever get married anywhere. It will also possibly void our DP benefits, our wills, and other expensive and complicated legal documents mrs. witchtrivets and I have created to protect and care for each other. If the FMA does pass, it will be be the first time the US Constitution has ever been amended to specifically deny rights to certain Americans.
  
  

More information
Read what PFLAG has to say about DOMA and marriage in general.

Read about 1000+ rights and responsibilities denied same sex couples from the HRC Web site.

More on the actual penalties of gay marriage from the HRC.

More on the F'ing MA here.