Gone

Title: Gone
Author: Witchytara25
Summary: Kimi must deal with a devastating loss. Femmeslash.
Disclaimer: Not mine. Belongs to Nickelodeon, Viacom, Klasky Csupo and whoever else claims them. I just made up the story. Don't sue. A vague disclaimer is nobody's friend.
A/N: So my girlfriend and I (yes, girlfriend as in the sense that I am dating her and the last time I looked in the mirror, she was my wife) were on the phone one night and we were talking about different slash pairings, and I got to thinking about Rugrats slash for some odd reason, I got to think about a Lil/Kimi pairing and this story came into my mind and wouldn't leave me alone until I wrote it. So, warning, this is slash, and if this isn't your cup of tea or your idea of a "right" story, do me a favor and hit the back button and don't flame me, for I will laugh at your ignorance. Also, the song is "How come the World Won't Stop" and is sung by Anastacia.
Dedication: To the love of my life. If it wasn't for you, I'd be in an insane asylum.


Somebody told me you were not coming home
The words suspended in time and the air suddenly went cold
The sun is still shining, but everything feels like rain
And if I had one wish, it would be to see you again
Nothing's fair when we lose without a moment to say goodbye


Why did this happen to us? We've known each other our whole lives. Through thick and thin, we were always by each other's side, but yet, now, I've gotten the message that something tragic has happened, that I'll never see you again. Something tragic has happened, and what bothers me the most is I never got to say goodbye.


*FLASHBACK*

"Kimi?" I heard my brother's voice on the phone

"What's up, Chuckie?" I asked him easily, knowing that it wasn't unusual for him to call me.

"I have some bad news."

"What?" The air suddenly seemed colder, and his voice got quieter.

He didn't answer for a long moment.

"WHAT IS IT CHUCKIE?" I yelled, "If you're gonna tell me that something has happened to someone I care about, I don't want to hear it."

"Kimi, I don't know how to tell you this, but Lil's died."

"Died?" I whispered, feeling my body go numb and my legs give out from under me. I put my hand on the table, wondering if I was dreaming and I would wake up any minute.

"I hate you Chuckie. You're lying to me. I will never forgive you for this, never!" I heard him yell that he was coming over, but I slammed the phone down before I could fully comprehend what he was saying.

About 20 minutes later, my doorbell rang, and Tommy and Chuckie both stood there, and by the look in their eyes, I could tell that it wasn't a lie at all.

"I'm sorry, Kimi," Chuckie said quietly, tears shining in his big blue eyes, "She was in a car accident this morning."

"Wha... what happened?" I mumbled, not really wanting to know

"She swerved to avoid another car and lost control and crashed into a tree. She hit the tree head on and didn't make it. When the paramedics arrived, she was already dead."

Dead. Dead. Dead. That awful word kept playing itself over and over in my head.

Chuckie started to say something else, but I cut him off. "JUST SHUT UP! BOTH OF YOU JUST SHUT THE HELL UP AND GET OUT! I DON'T BELIEVE YOU! SHE'S GOING TO WALK IN ANY MINUTE AND IT'S ALL GOING TO BE A MISTAKE! THAT'S ALL THIS IS, IS JUST A MISTAKE!"

Tommy started to say something, but my brother cut him off with a look. Shaking their heads slightly, they turned and walked out the door, leaving me alone with my delusions and my grief.

*END OF FLASHBACK*


The next few days are still a blur in my mind. The showing, the people, going over to the DeVille's and being with them. Seeing the whole group together again, for the first time in years. We always said that we would be friends and stay close to each other, but fate didn't deal that hand and we were pretty much scattered all over the country. Everyone trying to comfort each other, no one having the words to comfort. One reoccurring thought kept playing through my head, Why did this have to happen to us? Why did you leave me when things were starting to go just the way we wanted them?


How come the world won't stop spinning now that you're gone?
I know every end has beginnings, but this one's so wrong
So wrong...............


I know the way to the cemetery by heart. It's been six months now, and I'm still not sleeping at night. I just want the world to stop so I can get off and never have to be here again. I think everyday about going to a place where there is no pain, where I don't cry myself to sleep every night.

The others, with the exception of Phil, have seemed to move on. It seems callous to say, but its like Lil's death didn't leave a mark or anything. Never mind that we had been friends since we were two years old, they just went back to their everyday lives like nothing ever happened. Phil and I, we try to comfort each other, for the fact that we've both lost someone we loved. Phil lost his twin, his wombmate, and I lost my soulmate, the one person I loved more than anyone else in the world.

"Kimi, I have something to tell you." Lil looked down at her hands, blushing slightly. It was our senior year of high school and we were sitting by ourselves, on the far side of the lawn, eating our lunch, and talking about unimportant stuff until Lil said that.

"What is it?" I asked, my heart starting to beat faster.

"I don't know if I can tell you."

"Why not? Aren't we best friends?"

"Yeah, but something like this isn't natural."

"What?" I joked, "Are you having an alien baby or hiding the fact that you've really been Phil all these years and he's been Lil?"

She smiled slightly and sighed, chewing on her lip. "Kimi, I'm...I'm...oh never mind."

"Come on Lil, whatever it is, it can't be that bad." I took her hand in mine and held it. "What is it?"

"What would you do if you knew you were in love with someone but you knew that they could never feel the same way about you?"

"What do you mean?"

"What if I told you I was gay?"

"I would say that it makes me no difference. Are you?"

"I don't know. But there's one person in my life that I couldn't imagine not being with, that I know I'm in love with."

"Who's that?"

"Can't say. Don't want to lose the most important person in my life over what could be just a passing phase."

I started to say something, but the bell rang. I shut my mouth and before I could react, Lil leaned over and planted a soft kiss on my lips. I stood stock still for a minute and she darted away before I could react.


Sighing, I blink back the ever-present tears and I grab my keys, needing to get out of the apartment that we shared for all these years, from the ever-present memories that haunted me at every turn.


Caught in the middle, wrong place, wrong time
And I'm hopelessly missing you, but I can't stop the night
Nothing's fair anymore, and I know there's a better place
And I'll never stop dreaming of you


I walk aimlessly through the cemetery, not quite sure where she's at. I haven't been here since the day of the funeral; it's been so hard. I notice a shape in the distance, silhouetted by the bright sun. I break into a run, thinking that its Lil, that she's not really dead, that this is all just a dream and I'm going to wake up.

I come to a sudden halt when I realize that it was just a figment of my imagination. I realize that I am standing right in front of her grave and I kneel down in front of it, noticing the roses nestled lovingly against the headstone. I also notice the picture of her, her senior picture and the words Beloved Daughter, Sister, Friend and Girlfriend. I smile through my tears, knowing that Phil had that inscribed after everyone had left. Out of all our friends, he was the first one to accept it, the first one to give us his blessing, even though I was threatened if I hurt his sister he would hurt me.

Sighing, I brush the tears away. "Why did this happen to us? To you? Don't you know that I would gladly change places with you." Struggling to keep my composure, I whisper, "Don't you know that I dream of you every night, every single minute of every single day? It took us so long to come to terms with our feelings and now everything has been ripped so cruelly away. Why did this happen to us? Why?"


Sweet tears I shed, this pain we lay to rest
Its hard letting go, but I keep moving on
In a place I don't belong


I sigh again and stare off into the distance. I'm so tired of my brother, of Tommy telling me that I need to get on with my life. It's easy for them to say, they've never lost their soulmate, the one person they truly care about. My heart was ripped out from my chest, and they say to move on. Oh, I've moved on, to a place that no human being should ever have to go to. A place with pain, with suffering, with wondering how you can get up out of bed every day. Everyone wants happy go lucky, perky Kimi back. She's dead now, replaced by an older, wiser and harder Kimi. I would give anything to have that Kimi back, but she's gone. I don't belong here, in front of your grave, thinking about you in the past tense, when everything should be in the present tense.


How come the world won't stop spinning now that you're gone?
I know every end has beginnings, but this one's so wrong
So wrong..............


"Hey Kimi?"

"Yeah Lil?"

She reached over and took my hand into hers. "Think the others will understand when we tell them about us?"

"I think so."


"Happy Anniversary, Honey."

Opening the package, Lil pulled out the necklace with our names engraved on it. "I love it!" she squealed, her green eyes lighting up and giving me a long kiss.


"If it was possible, would you marry me?"

"In a heartbeat, you know I would. I keep telling you, lets go to Canada."

"You nut! They won't recognize it here in America."

Squealing as I tickle her, I stop and gaze up into her eyes. "Who needs a piece of paper to say we love each other?"

"You and Lil are what?"

"Girlfriends, lovers, lesbian gay type lovers."

"Thank you Tara from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. How did this happen?"

"Well, we looked into each other's eyes one day, like what we saw and then we had hot sex right then and there."

"Kimi! That's my sister you're talking about."

"So? You asked."

I didn't want details."

Grinning, I looked at the shocked faces of him and the rest of the group. "What, we all knew we'd end up with each other one way or another."

"Yeah, but we were thinking heterosexually, not homosexually."

"Oh well, love is love and there's no two ways about it."


The memories tumbled through my head faster than I could keep up with them. I brushed the tears away and smiled through them. Looking at the grave, I whispered softly, "I know that we knew each other our whole lives, but the time I got to love you, to be your one and only was the best time I will ever have. I will never love someone the way I loved you. That's a promise. I won't close my heart off to finding another one, but there will never be another you, Lillian DeVille."

Getting up, I head over to the car, struggling not to look back. Whispering once again to the sky, hoping somehow she hears me, "I will always love you, Lil."


A/N2: Read and Review.