Wishful Thinking

Author:
Summary:
Disclaimer:
Notes:
Dedication:


I sip my drink and watch the couples dance around me, wishing that I were anywhere but here. I can't believe that I agreed to come tonight. I would rather be at home, curled up in bed and crying the tears that seem to come so frequently lately. I sigh and let my gaze travel to my friends, all lost in their own personal happiness, finally with the one that they love.

I let my gaze rest on Xander and Anya. Who would've thought that those two would've ever gotten back together? They did, and even though Anya was annoying as usual, she has seemed to calm down and she and Xander are taking things slow, even though she still talks about their sex life more than I care to hear about it.

I sip my drink and glance over at Buffy and Faith, dancing together and lost in their own private world. I feel my throat constrict, knowing that at one time I had that look, but I blew it. I see Faith lean down and whisper something in Buffy's ear that makes her smile and blush at the same time. Buffy leans up to kiss Faith and I blink away the tears, knowing that crying won't do any good. Who would've ever thought, Buffy and Faith, in love? I watch them and hope that Faith never hurts Buffy; she's been hurt enough in her life. But as I watch Buffy look into Faith's eyes, I see the love there and I blink rapidly, knowing that it won't do any good to break down and start crying in the middle of The Bronze.

I feel a tap on my shoulder. "Care to dance?"

I glance up behind me, startled. "Spike?"

"Who were you expecting, the Big Bad Wolf?" He sits down next to me without an invitation and I blink. "What's wrong, Red?"

I sip my drink and he looks at me. "Talk to me, Red. You know I'm not going to turn you right in the middle of the Bronze. It's not my style, plus the Slayer would have my head on a stake."

I don't say anything and keep staring out at the dance floor. Spike looks thoughtful for a moment. "Thinking about Tara, are we?"

I feel the tears fill my eyes and say softly, "Ever wish you could go back and do things differently, that you could just erase the past and start completely over?"

"Can't say that I have, but explain to me what you mean."

"That you regret doing something, getting involved in something that hurt a lot of people, especially the one person you love more than anything in the world?"

"You mean like going back and just erasing the past and the memories that go with it?"

I nod and sip my drink, wishing that I could erase all the hurt I caused everyone, especially Tara. I sigh and look at Spike, who's gazing out at the dance floor, watching Buffy and Faith. "Do you still love her, Spike?"

"I'll always have a soft spot for Buffy, but she's completely happy and that's all I want for her. However, I can't say that it doesn't hurt, because it does."

I look at Spike, completely taken back by this human side of him, a side that rarely comes out. "And Red, I think your wish is about to come true."

"What do you mean?"

"Blondie's on her way over here."

I whip my head around and stare at her walking across the floor towards the table, a shy and hesitant expression on her face. I feel a million emotions running through all at once, everything from surprise to love to fear to everything else in between. I glance at where Spike was sitting and am surprised to see him gone. Before I can react, Tara's standing right beside the table, glancing down at me.

"Willow?" She says softly and I swallow hard, wondering if I have the ability to speak. "May I sit down?"

I nod and she takes the chair next to me. I manage to find my voice and ask, "What are you doing here?"

"Xander and Buffy told me to meet them here."

I know now why Buffy and Xander were so insistent that I come with them tonight. I look at Tara and can't help notice how beautiful she is. "Can I get you something to drink?"

She shakes her head and gazes out at the dance floor, and I can't help but think back to a time when she and I would've been out there, lost in our own world. I push that thought to the back of my mind and watch as her gaze lingers on Buffy and Faith. I swallow hard and she bites her lip as she watches Faith lean down and give Buffy another kiss. I clear my throat and she looks at me. Suddenly, a slow song starts playing and I wish I had the courage to ask her to dance, but fear of being rejected makes me stop. I watch as everyone pairs off, including Spike, who has asked Dawn to dance. I watch as she accepts, a look of total happiness on her young face. I laugh to myself, noticing that Spike looks a little lost on the dance floor.

The silence between Tara and me deepens, and I can't help but wish that I could take her into my arms again and wash away the hurt of the past few months. Knowing what I know now, I can only hope that she knows that I love her more than anything.

"Willow?" Tara asks softly, her hand on my arm. I jump, startled. "Do you think that Buffy would be all that happy if Spike and Dawn started dating?"

I laugh. "Well, there are a million and one other people I could think of that Buffy would rather Dawn be with, but I think ultimately that if Dawn was happy, Buffy would be happy."

Tara nods and grows silent and I shift uncomfortably in my seat. "Do you believe in fate?"

"What do you mean?" I take a long sip of my drink and stare at her intently.

"That we are predestined to love who we love?"

I swallow hard, unable to say anything for a moment. "You mean, besides the problems and misunderstanding that may come with a relationship?"

She nods and says quietly, "And regretting that you might've made a bad decision?"

Before I can respond, Buffy and Xander come over to the table, out of breath. Buffy looks questioningly at Tara and me and Xander just smiles, taking a long sip of my drink. I grab it out of his hand and set it back down. "Where's Faith?"

"In the bathroom with Anya."

Xander raises an eyebrow. "Maybe I could go watch."

Buffy smacks him playfully and he winces. "Slayer strength, Buff. Watch the Slayer strength."

Buffy scans the dance floor and I watch her pale as she sees Spike and Dawn standing in a corner. "What is my sister doing with Spike?"

"Looks like she's talking to him, B. Even Spike can have a human side, as hard as that is to believe." Faith snuck up behind Buffy while her attention was on other things.

Buffy looks at the two of them standing in a corner and smiles slightly. "Well, Dawn certainly looks happy. However, if he tries to turn my sister..."

"Let's go dance again, B." With that Faith grabs Buffy's hand and pulls her out on the dance floor.

Anya and Xander follow soon after and I look at Tara. "What did you mean by a bad decision?"

She doesn't say anything for a long moment and then says quietly, "I mean, what if you regretted that you let someone go?"

I look at her for a long moment. "Do you mean like us?"

She doesn't say anything and I feel my heart drop to my knees. "I should go," she says quietly and I grab her hand. "Tell me what you mean, please."

She looks at me and I swallow hard, knowing deep in my heart that she found someone else after all this time. She doesn't say anything and I feel the tears start to fall down my cheeks. "You don't have to say anything, I know what you mean." I stand up and grab my purse off the floor. "I should go. I don't even know why I came tonight." I turn and run away, I'm not quite sure from what.

Outside, the night is clear and cool and the tears dry quickly on my cheeks. I lean against the side of the building and try to clear my head. I know better than to be out here by myself, but things have been quiet lately since the closing of the Hellmouth and I give in to my sobs, grateful that no one can see me. I feel a hand on my shoulder and I jump, startled.

"What do you want?" I ask, trying to control my tears.

Tara sighs and leans against the fence, saying quietly, "I was talking about you."

I look at her and my mouth drops open. "You mean that you were talking about me the whole time and no one else? I mean, you could've been talking about someone else, but I couldn't believe that it was me...."

She smiles and says quietly, "You're babbling." She takes a step closer to me and smiles. I feel trapped against the fence, but I don't want anything to stop this moment. She looks down at me and I smile, the tears gone, and I feel hopeful for the first time in a long time. "I still love you. Nothing can change that."

I blush slightly and she smiles. "I love you too." She leans down and kisses me and I open my mouth against hers slightly. I wrap my arms around her neck and pull her closer to me, holding on for dear life, knowing that this has to be a dream, an illusion. She pulls back and I open my eyes, certain that when I do, she'll be gone and I'll be all alone again.

"I'm still here." I smile and lay my head on her chest for a moment. She tightens her arms around me and I feel her tears in my hair. I pull back and wipe her tears away, saying quietly, "I know this doesn't change the past...."

She puts her finger over my lips and says quietly, "We can talk about that at a later time. Right now we have the future to worry about."

I look at her. "Will you come home with me tonight?" She smiles and I lean up and kiss her again. "Please?"

She nods and entwines her fingers with mine. I know no matter what happens, that nothing can take this night away from us. I look at her and repeat the words she said to me not so long ago.

"I am you know."

"What?"

"Yours."