Blockbuster Video. To most people, it is a simple video rental chain. That's what I thought until I kept a movie out a couple days late. I knew that the movie was late, but I hadn't watched it yet, and I was prepared to pay the extra fee. But that wasn't enough for the corrupt Antichrist conglomerate that is Blockbuster. I came home one day and saw there was a message on the answering machine. I was shocked to hear the voice of 280-I.Q. possessing scientist Stephen Hawking, and even more so when I began to comprehend his grave warnings. "You have one or more overdue items from the Blockbuster located at..." At this point, Hawking's voice was replaced by a strange computerized mumbling. "Unn zpen oooh dore ess maluh anoo." First, I thought someone had taken a sledgehammer to Hawking's computer voicebox, causing it to make humorous noises. But when the normal voice of Hawking's computer spoke again, I knew that what I just heard must have been another threat. Perhaps a Terminator-like robot that was going to kill me for keeping the movie an extra few days. I decided to name him Ernie. Hawking barked a few more orders at me, then proceeded to have Ernie give one final warning: "Uhh blee blee cluwer urge." I finally realized the severity of this situation. Ernie was going to do unspeakable things to me, with the help of Blockbuster's Senior Video Game Trainer, Chet. I quickly returned the movie and hoped for the best.
THE OPPOSITION |
