| Random Crap Movie Productions |
| It's time to let the world, or at least my five or so readers, know about something great that, until now, has only been known about by four people: Random Crap Movie Productions. Even though the network is no more, we're all still friends, and we've moved on to even more entertaining endeavors in the form of movies. Using my old, broken Sony camcorder and my assorted Halloween costumes from years ago, we film the best stupid movies in the world. You think it's amazing that the Blair Witch Project managed to suck on a thousand dollar budject? Well, our movies have no budget at all, and they suck even more than it. In fact, we even did our own version of the BWP, which I'll cover on this site sometime. We're always doing more movies, so I'll write more installments of this as we make more movies. Next time, we might take pictures of the characters with a digital camera so you can see who they are. For now, I'll just use MS Paint to crappily draw the important ones. I don't remember every detail of the movies, and we recorded over most of them, but I'll do my best to use my thinkin' cap. I'm just going to do two movies this time, with more installments later. If you enjoy reading about these as much as we enjoy making them, then you'll have funny time. |
| Willy the Junkie This was our first movie, but our inexperience didn't prevent this from being one of our best. Also, this was my first acting role since my 3rd grade class's production of "Stone Soup," but I think I did alright considering the circumstances. I starred as Willy the Junkie, a heroin-addict whose pastimes include shooting up heroin and watching porn with his hermaphrodite friend Florence, played by Adam. The movie starts with a dance scene with no purpose, to the tune of "Footloose." Then, Willy gets dumped on his Sesame Street phone by his girlfriend, who was actually me doing my infamous Heyward voice. It was an extremely awkward scene due to me doing the voice for the only two characters and the music, the Pokemon theme song, being louder than I was talking. The breakup makes Willy sad, so he does some heroin and goes to the kitchen while Jake "huh huh, I'm playing with my snake, get it?" Roberts's WWF theme song and Wesley Willis's "Rock 'n' Roll McDonald's" play in the background. When he comes back, his friend Florence is at the door. They watch channel 69 until Willy remembers that Flo is transsexual, gets disgusted, and throws it out of his house. Still horny and on a heroin rush, Willy makes love to an Elmo doll (clothes on, of course, we don't need no pregnancies.) Then, someone knocks on the door: the Great Gazoo of Flintstones fame, who is now human, white, 5 feet taller, and has an Indian accent. He tells Willy that his destiny is to save America from the Arabs, and that he must go visit some guy in a cave. When Willy gets to this cave, he finds Hercules T. Rockafeller, who is totally hammered on rubbing alcohol. Herc tells Willy to go kill the Arabs, and gives him directions before falling out of his swively chair. Willy goes to the Arab hideout, where he fights off several of them, including a gay one. Finally, he encounters the leader: Osama bill Clinton. Luckily, bill Clinton is as easy to kill as all of the others. The movie ends, and Willy is officially a movie star. |
| Credits Willy the Junkie - Wright Gazoo - Matt Florence - Adam Hercules T. Rockafeller - Adam Arabs - Adam and Andrew Osama bill Clinton - Adam Directors - Wright and Matt Producer/Writer - Wright Main Characters Introduced |
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| Yanya Caballista: The Cold War II: Electric Boogaloo This one came pretty soon after the first WtJ, and was done entirely by just Adam and me. Well, we did have some help, as you'll see. Adam starred as Mitchell Matthews, a soldier in the U.S. Army. The movie takes place twenty years from now. During that time, the Russians have returned to power, and just like Hulk Hogan and Randy Savage, the Megapowers, eventually reunited, the Soviet Union and the United States once again became the Superpowers. The USSR still holds some grudges against us, though, mainly because of those Russian brides that we sell on the internet, and once again, our war takes place in space. Urkkel Stephenson, a very powerful Russian, resides in a Soviet Space Station of Doom, where he plans to hand us death from above. Luckily, brave Mitchell is ready to stop him. The movie starts as Mitchell recieves his mission briefing and prepares to go into space. Then, it introduces our villian, Urkkel. He apparently isn't too worried about US invasion, as he goes out to a bar looking for bitches. And once there, who does he find but the sexiest inanimate animal in the world, Pandy. He buys her a couple Coronas, then takes her back to his place. It cuts back to Mitchell, who is preparing his spacecraft for takeoff. I didn't have any spare space vessels, so we just used a little kid's chair that I used to sit on while watching Power Rangers when I was into them (read: two years ago.) Anyway, Mitchell successfully takes off. We cut back to the space station, where Urkkel has Pandy on his lovebed. They make the kind of sweet love that hasn't been caught on camera since "Pee Wee's Playhouse" went off the air...then they fall asleep. Back on the US space shuttle, Mitchell passes the time by listening to Metallica and reading A Separate Peace. Uh oh, there's trouble in paradise: Urkkel goes to get some Vodka, and while he's gone, hitmen from a Russian Mafia sneak in and KILL THE PANDA! Urkkel comes back and is heartbroken, as anyone who has lost a stuffed animal that's good in the sack would. While Urkkel weeps, Mitchell infiltrates the space station, taking out some Russian henchmen. Urkkel has no time to put the corpse in the refrigeration for tomorrow's sandwich and tomorrow night's sex, as Mitchell bursts into his chamber. They fight, and Urkkel begins to get the upper hand. Unlike most American-made movies, however, the US hero doesn't "Hulk-up," wave his finger in the air, and hit the big boot and leg. Actually, Urkkel kills Mitchell, which could lead to sequels in the future. |
| Credits Mitchell Matthews - Adam Urkkel Stephenson - Wright Writer/Producer - Adam Director - Adam/Wright Pandy - Itself Main characters introduced |
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| That's all for now. Other movies I have to cover include the two Willy the Junkie sequels, the Blair Rip Project, and Leonard Nimoy's Chicken Soup for the Penis. If you're interested in seeing our movies and are a hot girl, we'd be happy to give you a "private screening." If you're interested in seeing our movies and are not a hot girl, I can make you a tape for fifteen dollars. All profits go to the Mr. Jones Hookers for Ugly Guys Foundation. Thank you. |