1. Thou Shalt Have No Other Instruments Before Thy Own.
2. The Only Graven Image Thou Shall Want Shalt Be 1st Place.
3. Thou Shalt Not Use The Term “Wailing” In Vain.
4. Thou Shalt Keep Thy Trumpet Sectionals Holy And Refrain From Work Therein.
5. Honor Thy Section Leader And Thy Band Director That Thy Days May Be Long In The Bandroom.
6. Thou Shalt Not Kill (Without The Express Written Permission Of Thy Section Leader).
7. Thou Shalt Not Commit T.R.’s
8. Thou Shalt Not Attempt To Steal The Title Of “Section Leader.”
9. Thou Shalt Not Bear False Witness Against Thy Section Leader.
10. Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor’s Trumpet, Nor His Girlfriend, Nor His Solo And Especially Not His Mouthpiece.
11. Thou Shalt Learn To Count To Four.
12. Thou Shalt Not Suck.
13. Thou Shalt Not Be Stupid.
14. Thou Shalt Learn How To Count Rests And To Count Them Correctly.

The events in the band are handled by an orderly and bureaucratic system of power and rule. The ranks of this chain of command are listed below. In a given section, the order of command goes from the highest chair to lowest. In this way, there shall always be a backup plan for any problems which may occur.

1. The Trumpet Section Leader is exempt from any and all rules he/she doesn’t feel like following.
2. 1. All persons of rank lower than Omnipotent Deities attempting to give themselves rights shall be deported to Andorra for trial and punishment.
   2. All persons not reporting to Andorra shall receive the title of Honorary Woodwind for one-half-hour.
3. During Ensemble auditions, the directors shall forfeit the standard test for a promise by the Trumpet Section Leader that they have practiced their scales and can play them.
4. All music, both in concert season and marching season, shall be selected by the Trumpet Section leader.
5. The Trumpet Section Leader has the exclusive right to determine the Ensemble trumpet roster.
6. 1. When the Trumpet Section Leader challenges a person, any challenge involving the person being challenged shall be immediately nullified.
   2. In the event that a Trumpet player wishes to challenge the Section Leader for their title, they automatically lose.
7. 1. The Trumpet Section Leader shall have the exclusive right to nominate honorary brasses.
   2. The rest of the Trumpets cannot nominate honorary brasses, they can only point out that someone is a good choice for the title. Any other brass player can also do the same but it has to be suggested up through the order of command.
   3. The Trumpet Section Leader shall have the exclusive right to designate honorary woodwinds in situations requiring the most extreme punishment available. (Part b. also applies to this situation except that instead of pointing out honorary brass suggestions it would be to point out someone needing to be punished with the title honorary woodwind.)
   4. All votes on honorary titles shall be approved by a two-thirds majority of the trumpet section, with the Section Leader’s vote counting as nine-fifteenths.
   5. If a brass player is afflicted with ‘honorary woodwind’ status, he/she shall be referred to as ‘free brass’. All other brass shall be ‘true brass’.
8. Only the Trumpet Section Leader may mix Magic Lip Rejuvenation Potion.
9. A penalty of death is always an option available to the Trumpet Section Leader.
10. ONLY the Trumpet Section Leader may in any way modify or (mis)interpret these rules. All interpretations are subject to the whim of the Trumpet Section Leader.
11. No sophomore may ever obtain the title of Trumpet Section Leader.
12. Contrary to common belief, Trumpet Section Leaders were never sophomores. Anyone who tries to state otherwise will have a similar punishment as those mentioned in rule 2 and 9.
13. The Trumpet Section Leader reserves the right to change, modify, edit, or amend these rules at any time and for any reason. All other requests for changes must be approved by the Trumpet Section Leader.

1. 1. The only people with fewer rights than sophomores are woodwinds, except of course sophomore woodwinds.
   2. Yes, this means that sophomore woodwinds have LESS than no rights.
2. 1. The status of Honorary Woodwind shall revoke all privileges and rights given to the afflicted brass player(s). During this time, all true brass shall shun free brass.
   2. During this time of mourning, the afflicted free brass shall not speak to a true brass unless specifically ordered to do so. Failure to comply shall result in permanent loss of brass status. The former brass must then choose their new denomination: Woodwind or Percussion.
3. Should a woodwind attempt to be cool, they shall be placed in solitary confinement until they have regained their sanity.
4. 1. Asking a woodwind, other than those designated as honorary brass by the Trumpet Section Leader, any question requiring an intelligent answer, is illegal.
   2. In an emergency, the above law shall be voided on a per case basis by written consent or vocal contract from the Trumpet Section Leader.
5. The words “loser” and “woodwind” may be used interchangeably.
6. 1. No woodwind shall be given an unaccompanied solo greater than 5 sec. in length for any reason.
   2. Should a woodwind desire a solo longer than the allotted 5 sec., he/she must be accompanied by a brass player (preferably a trumpet player).
7. Siblings of woodwinds shall have the right to band-subsidized therapy.
8. A woodwind’s four responses are: “yes, sir,” “no, sir,” “I do not know, sir,” and “no excuse, sir.”
9. 1. Just in case a flute player tries to make themselves exempt from these laws by stating that they are not technically a ‘woodwind’:
      1. For all intents and purposes of this handbook, FLUTES ARE CLASSIFIED AS WOODWINDS.
      2. Woodwind laws shall be enforced upon flutes.
   2. It doesn’t make sense that flutes are considered to be ‘woodwinds,’ since they don’t have any wooden components. So, in all actuality a new group should be made just for the flutes (seeing that they don’t really fit in anywhere else). Even though a new group should be made, it isn’t going to be for two reasons:
      1. We wouldn’t want to confuse the woodwinds more than they already are.
      2. It might cause the flutes to go through some kind of identity crisis, which would not be a pretty sight (but it sure as heck would be funny).

1. During tuning, the tuner shall be recalibrated so that the trumpets shall always be in tune.
2. 1. Tempo shall be determined by neither the director nor the drum majors, but solely by the trumpets.
   2. Any trumpet repeatedly playing a tempo which does not in any way relate to that of his fellow trumpets shall be awarded the Trumpet Medal of Valor to be presented at the band banquet.
3. Whenever the trumpets are playing, they are, by definition, playing melody.
4. 1. When a trumpet player has lost all sense of rhythm and melody in a song, they shall immediately begin alternating between any first and open notes above C.
   2. Should a trumpet player be unable to play notes above middle C, they shall be stripped of their horn and immediately demoted to honorary woodwind with no possibility of parole (unless this inability is a direct cause of ‘wailing’ to the point of no longer being able to play, in such case the player will be applauded).
5. All trumpet players incapable of reaching high C by the end of the marching season their junior year shall be permanently barred from the wind ensemble (unless the Trumpet Section Leader decides to grant mercy upon them).
6. No trumpet shall ever be used to create the image of ‘rustling wind.’
7. Horse whinnies may be performed only by certified personnel. (You must obtain the certification and then permission to perform whinnies from the Trumpet Section Leader).
8. All trumpet players remember, It Takes Two to Tango!!!

1. 1. Arrogance in the trumpet ranks is strictly forbidden.
   2. This rule shall not apply to those enrolled in public schools, private schools, home-schooling, or the alumni of these schools. This law shall also be void for all males, females, aliens, animals, fungi, and most single-celled organisms.
2. 1. When a woodwind is being criticized by a fellow trumpet player, the correct response is to choose a phrase randomly selected from the following list and repeat it at regular intervals: “Yes, I understand,” “Very insightful,” “How deep,” or “I stand awed at the deep reaching greatness of your genius” (the last phrase being the most appropriate for any situation).
   2. Trying to use these phrases to ‘suck up’ to the Trumpet Section Leader is definitely NOT advised (see Powers of the Trumpet Section Leader #9).
3. 1. Obeying the orders of a drum major is an act punishable by death.
   2. The aforementioned law shall be ignored in two instances:
      1. In the event of an extreme emergency. A state of emergency may only be declared by the Trumpet Section Leader.
      2. If the drum major happens to be a trumpet player, and the Trumpet Section Leader bestows upon him/her the title of Honorary Trumpet Section Leader.
4. 1. In the event that the upper parts of the band are not playing and the lower parts are, the upper band players have the right to play the lower band parts for that day.
   2. There shall be no vice-versa for this rule.
5. Possession of a concealed piccolo trumpet without a permit will be considered a misdemeanor and the piccolo trumpet will be confiscated so the Trumpet Section Leader can play on it. It will be returned when the Trumpet Section Leader is through playing and doesn’t want it anymore (Yea, right. Like that’s ever going to happen, who in their right mind would give back a piccolo trumpet they’ve confiscated?).
6. The most heinous crime a trumpet player can commit is the destruction of this rule book. Anyone found guilty of such an act shall be automatically designated an honorary woodwind.
7. All players of rank equal to or higher than honorary brass shall be addressed by the first name of the person, the conjunction ‘of,’ and then the person’s instrument.
8. The Order of Command shall also be applicable in lines of all sorts. i.e. phone lines, uniform checkout lines, lines for food at socials, hot chocolate lines after competitions, bathroom lines, etc.
9. So long as the Trumpet Section Leader is able to over hear, any gossip may be made about any member of the band at any time.

1. 1. Solos during the marching season are determined by talent and ability.
   2. Should more than 1 person be found to actually possess talent or ability, it shall be the final decision of the highest ranking member of the Chain of Command, present at the time, to decide the solo.
2. So that judgments may be made solely upon the directors’ current mood, no trumpeter shall be allowed to see the challenge ballots.
3. The winner of a challenge has every right to do the happy dance.
4. In the event that the trumpets hold a sectional; the participants shall make no progress. Failure to comply with this rule shall result in death by a piccolo/oboe duet.
5. 1. All marching band sectionals shall be held in a location far away from the school, so that the trumpets may goof around as much as they please.
   2. Following such sectionals, the number of points and the time involved shall be wholly distorted when reported to the director (time spent playing ‘The Trumpet Version of Taps’ or ‘Children of Sanchez’ shall be counted as double time).
6. 1. As a refreshing change to an age old custom, challenges shall be declarable in a downward direction.
   2. Anyone doing otherwise will be shot on sight (this is to protect higher trumpets from ever losing a challenge (which of course would never happen, but we don’t want to waste the energy and cause the embarrassment of a fellow brass player, so we’ve instated this law)).
7. The Trumpet Section Leader shall not be required to audition for solos. He/She shall only be required to walk into the director’s office, declare to the director that they are the best and will only end up getting the solo anyway so why waste time auditioning.
8. The very first sectional of the year shall be spent instructing new trumpets in the ‘way of the trumpet.’
9. Also, during this first sectional, new members shall be taught ‘The Trumpet Version of Taps.’
10. 1. The trumpets must hold at least one ‘Trumpet Weenie Roast’ per year (preferably more).
    2. Not only are these ‘Trumpet Weenie Roasts’ a lot of fun, but they also count as a great sectional and bonding experience (Mrs. Leyva will be very impressed when you report that you are bonding with your fellow section members!).
    3. CAUTION: These ‘Trumpet Weenie Roasts’ must not be confused with sacrificial ceremonies that involve burning woodwinds. (Woodwinds and weenies can be mistaken very easily).
11. As with everything else, the sacrificing of a woodwind, as long as it is done as a trumpet section, also counts as a marvelous sectional.

1. 1. Make no mistake about it: sophomores have no authority.
   2. This rule shall be revoked for brasses, true and honorary.
2. 1. Also, sophomores have next to no rights.
   2. This and the previous law shall be voided for instances in which there is a sophomore Trumpet Section Leader (of course this can never happen, Powers of the Trumpet Section Leader #11, so you don’t need to worry about this law).
3. Sophomores still have no authority or rights.
4. Sale of the Magic Lip-Rejuvenation Potion to minors shall be strictly forbidden (unless an exception is made by the Trumpet Section Leader).
5. Mrs. Leyva’s admission of guilt on any issue shall be regarded as an omen. All persons hearing the omen shall fast from their horns for three days.
6. 1. Any and all music submitted by students as suggestions for next year’s marching show will be immediately ruled out by the director.
   2. The above mentioned rule does not stand true for music suggested by the Trumpet Section Leader.
7. 1. In the event that pictures are taken after a marching competition (which they usually are), the successful completion of these pictures (without anyone smiling) shall be considered an omen, and all trumpet players shall immediately sacrifice a goat.
   2. Should a goat be unavailable, a woodwind may be substituted.
8. No law may be passed which in any way restricts, prohibits, or taxes relationships with the opposite gender.
9. "The wheel it turns, it moves around. It makes an ancient rumbly sound." -Dave Boothe

1. 1. All qualified drum majors shall be exempt from woodwind laws.
   2. In order to qualify, a drum major must be one of the following:
      1. A former brass player.
      2. Deemed worthy by the Trumpet Section Leader (a declaration of worthiness may come to those who did not previously play a brass instrument, but it will be much harder (Hint: See The Powers of Drum Majors #3a)).
2. 1. In all actuality, drum majors possess no actual power.
   2. Trumpeters shall do what is necessary to make the drum majors believe that they have power (this shall be done without breaking The Laws of Etiquette #3a), because we wouldn’t want to crush their fragile egos and because that’s just the kind of sensitive people we are.
3. 1. Drum majors who made the mistake of choosing a woodwind instrument and are now afflicted by the woodwind laws must bring tithes of Altoids and Five Buck Root Beer to the Trumpet Section Leader (large quantities of small unmarked bills are also accepted, but must be carried and delivered in a reinforced, solid steel, and fireproof container). For diligence in tithes, the Trumpet Section Leader may grant some sort of mercy upon the afflicted drum major for their mistake in instrument selection.
   2. Also, drum majors not under the affliction of the woodwind laws who bring tithes to the Trumpet Section Leader will be given the title of “honorary trumpet” (if they didn’t already play the trumpet) and receive the benefits that go along with the title.
   3. These collected tithes shall be distributed among the ranks of the trumpet section as dictated by the Trumpet Section Leader.
4. 1. The only duty of some significance that the drum majors perform is that of receiving awards after marching competitions.
   2. Because the drum majors are receiving the award in behalf of the band, they are actually representing the Trumpet Section Leader (who is the leader of the band as the Chain of Command so effectively shows). The Trumpet Section Leader doesn’t perform this duty for themself because of the ever present risk of assassination.
   3. So, the drum majors actually don’t do anything of significance because they are always representing the Trumpet Section Leader.

1. The Trumpeter’s Handbook is all powerful.
2. 1. At the conclusion of the Trumpet Section Leader’s senior year (a time in which all fellow trumpeters shall mourn for their leader), during the pass down portion of the band banquet, this handbook, or a copy thereof, must be willed to the trumpet deemed most capable of continuing the trumpet’s reign of power. This person must never have been afflicted with the status of honorary woodwind, nor may they be currently afflicted with such a status. This person need not be to highest chair, but is usually the section leader.
   2. In fact it has to be handed down to the new section leader!
   3. If items are not passed to the new section leader at the band banquet, then a separate ceremony of the trumpets shall be held in order to make the pass down official.
3. 1. NO Trumpeter’s Handbook law may be modified or ignored.
   2. NO new Trumpeter’s Handbook laws may be created.
   3. NO Trumpeter’s Handbook law may be removed.
   4. This rule VOIDS all other rules conflicting with it. (Except for Powers of the Trumpet Section Leader #1 and The Powers of the Trumpeter’s Handbook of Law #4).
   5. In the event of conflict or question, the Trumpeter’s Handbook rules shall always take precedence.
4. Again, ONLY the Trumpet Section Leader may in any way modify, edit, or (mis)interpret the Trumpeter’s Handbook of Law.
5. Any contradictions made in this hand book are done intentionally and should never be corrected!
6. Should this handbook ever be damaged beyond repair or be replaced by a newer edition of the handbook, the old or damaged handbook shall be:
   1. Recopied, in the instance of a damaged book, so as to never lose these inspired words.
   2. A special ceremony will be held, with as many trumpets as can come, in which the old book is slowly removed page by page and burned in an open fire. (Should a woodwind be responsible for the damage done to the book, they shall also be burned if at all possible. If not possible, then a few marshmallows and weenies will be used instead (mainly because they can be eaten after being slightly toasted)!). (This can count as a great sectional)!
   3. The new handbook shall then be presented before the gathered trumpets by the Trumpet Section Leader.