"The palest ink is better than the best memory."  -Chinese Proverb

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June 25th 2001

Tonight the guys and I performed at the Improv in Seattle.  We arrived this morning after the 2-hour flight from L.A.  The show went fairly well, as did the flight.  I'd rather not write about it, actually.  You're probably sick of hearing about the shows anyway.  I'll tell you something, when I write about the shows it's just to take up space in this journal.  Those are always the days I don't want to face what I'm feeling. 

There's something that's been on my mind for the past couple days.  I miss you like crazy and I need to tell you.  I want so badly just to spend one night with you, but you're so far away right now.  And, I know it's my fault.  If only we didn't have these obligations, you
could be with me.  Not that I don't want those obligations.  Oh god, it sounds like…. Why is this pen so damned permanent?  I love our family.  That's not what I meant to write. 

It just gets so lonely on the road.  And I know that you're lonely at home too.  I should stop feeling sorry for myself and be glad that I'm working.  Be glad that I have you to come home to, at least.  Why am I always so selfish?  Why don't you hate me for it?  Maybe you do,
I wouldn't blame you if you did.

This journal is a relief. When I am tired … out comes this, and down goes every thing. But I can't read it over--and God knows what contradictions it must contain (1). But, then I remember you will read it, and everything seems better. 

It's been a long day and I need rest.

Goodnight my love.
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June 26th 2001


Why the hell do I even write in this thing? I know it's going to bite me in the ass someday.  But it makes me feel closer to you.  Almost like you can hear what I'm writing.  I tried to call you today because there's something I need to talk to you about.  You weren't home though.  Probably out shopping or something.  I hope you're well.

There's someone at the door.   Oh, it's one of the guys.  He says it's time for dinner.  Hopefully the evening they have planned will cheer me up.  If not, I'm sure I'll be writing much more tonight.

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I can't say it was dinner that cheered me up.  We ate in the hotel, then went gambling, drinking, you know how it goes.  I shouldn't feel guilty for doing stuff like that…you said so yourself.  But I can't help it.  It's not that I wouldn't rather be with you.  It just scares me sometimes.  Living this bachelor life gets me thinking about things that…well, things I shouldn't be thinking about. 

Ryan was harassing me again tonight.  So what else is new?  I love the guy and all, but sometimes I just want to give him a piece of my mind.  Why would that be so hard to do?  His family is here.  He just doesn't understand how it feels that everything I do for you, takes me away from you.  Why is this such torture?  I really do love my job.  Making people laugh is what I live for.  Among other things.

I'm glad you called tonight, even if we couldn't talk.  Thank you so much for doing that.  I'm sure I'd be going mad by now if I hadn't been able to hear your voice.  Even if it was only for a few moments.  I'd call you back, but I don't want to wake you.

I need a shower and to sleep off this stupor I'm in. 

Until tomorrow my love.
*******
June 27th 2001

Today was our last day in Seattle; tomorrow, we're off to Vancouver.  Three cities down, two to go. 

I feel the need to apologize for what I'm about to write.  I have seriously considered using this journal in the morning so I don't always sound depressed.  The last thing I want is for you to worry about me.  And don't say you won't because I know you too well.

Something happened today that I feel obliged to tell you.  I tried to tell you when I called tonight.  I wasn't able to though. Your voice made me weak inside.  Why do you always have that effect on me?  Why can't I tell you to your face that you do?  Why am I procrastinating?

I was sitting at the bar while the others were gambling.  Someone, a woman, came over to me and started a conversation.  We talked for two hours about all different things.  She had just been divorced and needed someone.  Missing you so much, I felt the same way.  Talking to her really helped me, at least I thought, to get some of this depression off my chest.  During the conversation, I felt better about things than I have in a long time.  Now, I feel I have betrayed you.  We used to talk the way I did with that stranger tonight.  I
feel dirty from that verbal affair. 

That woman made me realize some things.  It is for this reason that feel I need to apologize to you.  I haven't touched you as you have touched me.  I have thought about touching you, but it is hard.  I have lied to you, and hurt you.  I am sorry.  You may think that I am a really nice person; you may think that I am mean.  I am both.  You deserve, however, only the nice things. 
Encourage me to love you more.  I do love you; if you do not feel it,
feel it now.

I'm such a pansy.  I'm actually crying.  And the guys are coming up for drinks so I'd better get it together.

Only two more weeks my love, and then this burden I've written will be ours and not mine alone. 

Until then my love.