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The dream-like world that I had been in for the past 24 hours suddenly became a reality as I heard the rhythmic humming and beeping of the machines around me.  My eyes remained closed, as I still felt weak and lethargic after my 3-hour surgery the day before.  I rolled my head slowly to the right and let it rest on the pillow before I would attempt to open my eyes. 

As I began to regain awareness of what was around me, I felt the slow, soft massaging of my left hand.  To find out who was rubbing my hand, I strained to open my eyes.  With several attempts, my eyes blinked open to a groggy reality that consisted of a white room with machines hooked up to my arms and tubes coming out of my nose. 

I brought my head back to an upright position so that I was looking at the ceiling.  I glanced over to my left to see a blurry figure sitting next to me in a padded chair that sat low to the ground.  I could tell that his eyes were closed and he was humming a tune that appeared to be a comfort to him as he rocked forward in his chair.  Ryan had kept his promise to me all along- that he would be there when I got back from surgery.

I gripped the hand that had previously been rubbing mine.  I took a sigh of relief as some form of strength returned to my body. 

I smiled.  "Hmm…" I moaned, "You stayed..."  My voice was raspy from not talking for some time but I managed to let Ryan know I was okay.

Ryan came out of his trance-like state with a start.  "Oh…my god."  He sat up straight and scooted his chair towards the bed.  "Lisa, I was so worried.  How are you feeling?"  Ryan wrapped his hand around mine with an unusual tightness.

I took a long blink as I considered his question.  "A little stiff and sore…tired, too," I replied as I tried to adjust myself into a more comfortable position.

Ryan got up from his chair and adjusted the pillow behind my head.  "I can understand that… with all you went through in the past 24 hours or so.  While you were out, one of the doctors who did your surgery came in and talked to me…told me that the surgery didn't go so smoothly.  Your injury like did more damage than they had originally expected when they started and during the operation, your…" Ryan winced and swallowed slowly, "heart stopped twice.  They had to resuscitate you with internal paddles and when you came out of surgery, they were afraid you weren't going to make it.  But here you are…god, Lisa…you had me scared shitless."  He closed his eyes and I watched as his head fell into his hands.

"But I'm here now," I said, enveloping his hands in both of mine.  "That's what matters.  I'm going to make it." I paused.  "Enough about me, though, how long have you been here?"

"Well, I had to make a few…uh, phone calls after you went to the OR.  After that, I came back to the room for a while and ended up falling asleep for a few hours.  One of the nurses who came in to change your bed linens woke me up and told me to go run some errands or something- you know, keep myself busy.  So, I left and went to your hotel to tell them about what had happened to you since you hadn't been around really in a few days.  They voiced their deepest concern and allowed me to go get your things from your room and check you out.  The hotel needed your room and I figured you would understand.  On my way out, they said that if we needed anything, we could let them know.  After that, I came back to the hospital and stopped in at the cafeteria and got myself a cup of day-old coffee.  I headed back here and I've been sitting here ever since, just thinking about…"

"About what?" I asked, with a hint of concern.

Ryan paused.  "You don't remember what happened before you went for surgery?"

"The last thing I remember was being put onto the gurney and wheeled out of the room.  Why…what happened?"

Ryan looked down at his lap and cleared his throat slowly.  "Uh…hmm…You, um, said some things to me before you went into the elevator yesterday."

"Did I really?  Shit, what did I say?"  Ideas ran through my mind.  Did I tell him how I felt?  Did I propose to him or something?

We sat in silence for what seemed like an eternity.  I began to wonder about the seriousness of what I said.

"Now I'm not sure if what you said was due to the drugs or what…" he began hesitantly.  "Before you were wheeled onto the elevator, you said three words to me that hold so much meaning between two people.  And when those doors closed, those three words rang in my head and they continued to ring all night."

"And those three words are…"  I was clueless.  When you're under the influence of drugs or alcohol, I've been told, the honest truth comes out of your mouth when you least expect it.  I guess this was one of those times

"You said, 'I love you'," Ryan stated as he looked directly at me.

"I can't believe I said that," I said quietly to myself.  "Geez, I'm such an idiot."

"No, you're not, Lisa.  I'm flattered that you feel that way, or that you…might feel that way.  Do you feel that way?" he asked anxiously.

"Well, I mean I…I think that…damn it, I never imagined it would happen like this."

"That what would happen like this?"

I shuffled around in my bed, trying to think of how to put my words together.  "Ever since I met you a week or so ago, I never ever thought you would come into my life- you've become someone who has meant so much to me.  I mean, you've been there for me during some of the worst points in my life, Ryan.  That, in itself, means the world to me.  Then this happened, and look at you!  You've kept your promise to me and stuck by me when I needed comfort the most.  And the night in the rain!  I mean, I know that we got caught up in the moment, but kissing someone in the rain is and always has been a fantasy of mine.  You happened to make that fantasy come true."

"So…what are you saying?" Ryan asked with a crinkled brow.

"Ugh…I know you're married and you've been married for over 10 years and have two children together, but that hasn't stopped what's been happening inside me.  I imagined this happening in a much more romantic situation if you will, but I guess the time is now…"

Ryan stared at me as he awaited what I was about to tell him.  I took a deep breath and decided to tell him like taking off a band-aid, in one swift motion. 

"I think I'm falling in love with you.  It was the drugs that made me tell you.  I've known for a few days but was waiting for the right moment."

Ryan sat back in his chair with a sigh.  "Wow," he said under his breath.

"I know it may come as a shock to you.  I totally understand if you don't feel the same way…I mean, you can't feel the same way."

He pressed his lips together in thought and ran his hands through his hair.  "God…wow, I just…I do think about you…a lot and in some ways I would rather not describe, if you know what I mean."

I looked back at him wide-eyed.  "Really! I had no…"

"Let me finish," he interrupted, "so I mean, I think about you in a different way than I do most of my female friends, but I can't say that I have intense feelings for you.  I like you more than friends obviously but as you said, I'm a married man trying to work on a marriage in trouble so…"

"Really…say no more.  I think that once I leave hospital and recover that we should go our separate ways and not look back.  We can keep in touch and all that, but I don't want to break up a marriage."

"Is that what you want?"

"Isn't that what you want?"

"I don't think I can just say goodbye just like that," Ryan said with a finger snap.

"What do you suggest then?"

"I don't know right now…all I know is that I want you to get better and get out of this…creepy-ass place," Ryan uttered as he looked out the window of my room into the falling night sky.

**************

As I sat down gingerly on my hotel room bed, I heard a commotion outside my door.  I stumbled over to where the sound had come from and opened the door to find an empty hallway. 

"What the hell?" I mumbled angrily as I began to shut the door.  Just then, I looked down at the ground to see a small folded piece of paper.  I figured that whoever had just stopped by had dropped me some kind of note.  Picking up the paper, I flipped it over to see the hastily scripted words 'Read now' written on the other side.  Feeling a little light-headed, I walked over to my bed and sat down slowly on the corner of my king-sized bed and began to unfold the note. 

We need to talk.  Meet me at 9 p.m. in 'our' park around the corner.  Follow the main path until you find the fountain- see you there.

~Ryan

What could he possibly have to talk to me about that he couldn't tell me here?  I looked down at my watch to see how much time I had.  8:25…not too much time.  I pulled on a pair of my dark boot-cut jeans and a tight black tee shirt.  I pulled back my hair with a simple silver barrette, checked my ensemble in the mirror and grabbed a light jacket and my key.

When I left my room to head to this fountain, I thought that this might be the end of anything that had been developing between Ryan and myself.  I didn't want it to end, but I kind of knew it was coming sooner or later.  When I reached the lobby, the concierge at the front desk gave me a sly smile and winked at me.  I could only return the look with a feeling of confusion.  What exactly is going on here, I kept questioning to myself as I walked outside the hotel and towards the park. 

That night had been the first clear night that I had seen in a long time.  I stared up at the sky as I reached the park.  "The main path…" I whispered to myself as I remembered his specific directions in the note.  I looked to my left to see a paved path heading towards a dark abyss.  The stars twinkling above me provided the light I needed to see where my feet were leading me. 

Up ahead of me I could see a faint light that got brighter as I headed towards it.  The path opened up wider as well, nearing this strange light.  I covered my eyes as I walked forward for the light was too much for me to bear from walking in the darkness.  When my eyes had finally adjusted, I opened my eyes to find this beautiful utopia in front of me.  A fountain stood in the center of a paradise that was surrounded by flowers of pinks, whites, and purples.  I looked around me to take in this fantastical sight when off in the distance, I saw Ryan sitting on the far edge of the half-wall surrounding the fountain.  His back was turned away from me so he was not aware that I had been in his presence for the past five minutes.

I walked around the fountain until I was standing almost right next to him.  I put my hand on his shoulder ever so gently but it was enough to spook him as he jumped up from his seat.

"Good lord!" Ryan exclaimed as he adjusted his pants.  "How long have you been standing there?"

"Uh, about five minutes or so.  You looked so peaceful sitting there and this fountain is just so beautiful that I had to enjoy the moment," I smiled.  "So, what did you need to talk to me about…here of all places?"

I sat down next to Ryan as he fumbled with his thoughts.  "Um well, I kinda had a dream about you last night," he said quietly.

"Oh really?" My eyes widened.  "What was this dream about?"

"Well, I'm not sure how it all started but have you ever had one of those dreams where you're on a plane that's about to crash?"

I nodded.  A few years ago when a family member passed away I had a similar dream but woke up before the plane crashed. 

"Well, I have this terrifying fear of flying on a plane.  I dreaded it when I had to fly to London and New York back when I traveled for Whose Line tapings.  I would have to have someone hold my hand as we departed and landed.  You probably knew that."  I nodded. 

"Anyway, I got onto this particular plane that seemed smaller than most planes I had been on in the past.  I looked down at my ticket to see what seat I was sitting in, but the ticket was oddly blank. Not knowing where I was assigned to, I picked out a seat that was nearest to an emergency exit.  If anything happened, I could get out easily."

"Understandable," I commented.  "But where do I come in?"

"I'm getting to that.  After I sat down, a stewardess came down the aisle and stopped right by my seat.  I looked up and saw this beautiful woman standing next to me.  She turned towards me so I could see her face, but like my ticket, it was blank!  This faceless creature sat down next to me and took my hand as the plane began to move forward.  I gripped her hand back until my knuckles turned white.  After we had ascended to the right altitude, the figure leaned towards me, kissed me softly right by my ear and whispered, 'We're together.  I love you and everything is going to be alright in the end.'  She fell back into her chair as I turned toward her only to see that the previously faceless creature had turned into yours!  At that moment, everything felt right and my body seemed to relax into my seat and I looked out the window."

"Oh wow…so, what do you…how are you…what does this all mean?"

Ryan sat down and a sigh escaped his lips.  "That's what I've been trying to figure out all day.  The taping I had this afternoon was a disaster for me…Col said I seemed so distant.  I missed all these opportunities that normally I would jump on.  So, after the last taping I dropped your note off and went for a walk.  I've been here since about 8:30.  And, well, I think I know now what that dream was all about."  Ryan stood up from his seat and guided me to stand up with him.

He took both of my hands in his and held them down at his waist.  He pursed his lips together as his hands began to tremble against mine. 

"Lisa, I don't know what's happening in my life right now.  Thinking about that dream, I think my marriage was that plane.  I love my wife so much, but we've had a lot of tough times where I have considered other options, if you know what I mean.  And I'm not sure whether this is just one of those rough spots, like turbulence on the plane, where it will work itself out, or whether this is the end, like a plane crashing to the ground.  That blank ticket…I think that that represents how I have no idea what I can do to fix what hole I've dug myself into.  There's no one solution, no 'assignment'.  I sat by the emergency exit because I'm taking the easy way out, instead of the challenge."

"What about the stewardess?" I asked.  I was fascinated how much thought he actually put into this dream and was anxious to find out what other analyses he had made.

"Ever since I met you, you've been that one constant that I've been counting on, my security if you will.  When I flew on the planes, knowing that the stewardesses were there to help was that one constant during my many, many flights was extremely comforting to me.  You've been one of those stewardesses, if that makes any sense.  What's more, the conversation we had at the hospital the other night…well, it got me thinking about the direction of my marriage, my relationship with you.  I told you that I considered you more than a friend but I didn't have intense feelings for you then. But after that night, I haven't been able to get you out of my thoughts.  It seems like everywhere I turn, there you are."

I stood there, speechless.  Where was this going?  "So…what- how…"

"So I've been very confused all day until tonight, sitting here, alone with my thoughts.  Part of me wants to go home to work things out with my wife, but the other part of me wants to see where this goes."  His hands released mine and somehow worked their way around my waist. 

"Lisa, I thought you would have figured that out when you came here.  Would I bring you out to this beautiful place to tell you I'm going back to my wife?" 

"Oh my god…" I whispered as Ryan leaned in and brushed his lips against my cheek before leaning in to place his lips against mine in an ever so gentle kiss that made me weak in the knees.  The stars seem to twinkle brighter, the fountain water seemed to glisten in the moonlight as the intensity between us increased. 

As we stood there underneath the stars, I suddenly felt Ryan's muscles tense and he pulled away from me.  "What's wrong?" I questioned.

"Lisa," he started, "I can't…I love my wife.  I do, more than anything in the world.  She's my best friend, my everything.  I have to work things out with her."

"Ryan, quit playing games with me.  I can't stand these mood games.  If this is truly it, look me in the eyes and tell me the truth."

He placed his hands underneath my jawbone and looked directly into my eyes.  "I need to go back to my life and my family."

I felt tears well up into my eyes.  I didn't believe him until just now.  "I'll always have feelings for you, Ryan, but as I said I don't want to be the one to end a marriage.  I believe that a marriage should be forever."

I had always hated saying my final goodbyes, so as we hugged back at the hotel, I whispered, "Until we meet again…" and turned to enter my room.  I never looked back that night as I knew I had to go on with my life.  As I put down my room key, I found a piece of paper by the door with some scribbled writing on it.  I bent down to pick it up and smiled.  It said, My life continues at… and an address followed.  I folded it up and placed it safely in my wallet for future reference. 

************

"Yeah, I'm all settled, Mom.  I'm happy that my life's in order.  Pictures?  Yeah, I just picked them up from the store.  I'll send you the doubles.  I gotta go finish unpacking my linens.  Talk to you soon.  Love you, too.  Bye."  I hung up the phone and sat down with a paper envelope in my hand. 

I had just picked up my pictures from my 'vacation' from the store and was looking forward to reminiscing about the sights.  I smiled as I flipped through pictures of my brother and I in front of Raleigh Studios, eating at some diner near the hotel, and me hugging a palm tree. 

The last picture in the roll seemed all too familiar.  The picture was of Ryan and me after the taping my brother and I attended.  Little did we know, I thought.  The smiles on both of our faces were so innocent, so clean.  I almost felt guilty for what we had been through together, but he changed my life in ways he'll never know.  Or could he?

I grabbed my wallet and opened the snap.  I flipped to the back of the wallet and found the folded piece of paper in the same place I had left it that night.  I went back to the pictures and took the double of that picture and turned it over.  I grabbed a pen and wrote the following:

The road of life is a long and winding one-
We all hit bumps along the way.
But we cherish the good times we have-
The friendships, the lovers, come what may
In the end, whatever life has to offer,
The past follows in tow.
You'll mean more to me than you'll ever know.

Thank you for the wonderful memories- hope you treasure this as much as I will.

Lisa

I added a note with my phone number and address on it.  I sealed the envelope, wrote his address on the front, added a stamp and put it out into my mailbox to be sent.  I closed the handle slowly and sighed as I walked back up the driveway. 

I smiled as I continued to unpack my things.  He will be one memory that will never become "faded" in my book of life.



The End