The
Act of Becoming
by Lynn
Haley
Colin slid out of his car and walked towards the
familiar gate. He felt
something that could only be labeled pure joy as
he knocked on the old
wooden door. Something about this place always
made him feel light and
happy. As the large door swung open and his gaze
came to rest on the
laughing eyes of his dearest friend he realized
it had absolutely nothing to
do with the house; it was simply being in Ryan’s
presence.
These realizations came and went in his life so
often that he barely
acknowledged them.
“Hey,
“Hey yourself,” Colin said, returning the
embrace.
They stood like that for a while, arms wrapped
around each other,
reacquainting themselves, and giving in to the
simple, comforting pleasure
of being close. It had been about 3 months since
they’d last seen each
other and although they’d spoken on the phone,
they needed to be together.
Neither one thought too deeply on that need.
They just brushed it aside with ideas of
friendship. In fact, the need was
so intrinsic that it barely registered. Rather
it was automatic like the
need for air.
Pulling back, Ryan cleared his throat and said,
“Come in.”
He moved backwards to let Colin in, but he kept
a hand resting lightly on
his shoulder.
“So how was your flight?”
“Long and dull,” Colin said with a smile.
“Better then exciting, I guess.”
“True, very true,” Colin said as they sat down
on the couch.
They sat in the middle, with their knees
touching, and a comfortable silence
fell over them. Colin leaned his head back and
closed his eyes feeling a
quiet, happy peace that was too often absent in
his life.
When he opened them he found Ryan looking at him
with a mixture of
contentment and affection.
“I’ve missed you, buddy.”
“Me too. It’s been too
long.”
They continued to look at each other. Colin felt
warmth spread through his
body and became lost in the moment. They stayed
that way for a while until
a hint of inappropriateness crept in.
“So,” Ryan said, glancing away, “How long can
you stay?”
“For a few days. I have
a commercial shoot in
“Oh. I was hoping you’d stay longer.”
“I wish I could.”
Noticing the disappointed look on Ryan’s face,
Colin reached out and touched
his arm. “I really do. Maybe you could go with
me?”
Pulling away, Ryan leaned forward and said,
“Nah. Drew and I have a meeting
with the execs to discuss next season. Anyways I
told my wife I’d be home
when she came back from her sister’s.”
“Of course. What was I
thinking?” Colin asked wryly.
“I know, its so
difficult to make our schedules fit, huh?”
“Yeah, but lets make the best of the time we
have,” Colin said standing up.
“C’mon, show me this infamous remodeling job
I’ve heard so much about.”
Later that night, they sat on the ground in
Ryan’s backyard staring up at
the stars and reminiscing.
“Remember that time in
“I was hoping you forgot about that. Am I ever
going live that down?” Ryan
interrupted, laughing.
“No; you, a giant bunny suit, and too
much whiskey. It’s one of my
fondest
memories,” Colin responded, his laughter
reverberating in the open air.
Ryan reached out and playfully pushed Colin.
“You know, I have some
incriminating memories of you, too. I seem to recall
a certain night, a
lost bet, and you streaking across the stage at
Mason’s.”
Colin brought his hands up to cover his face in
mock shame. Pulling his
hands away to reveal a huge smile, he pushed
Ryan back and said, “Yeah, I
guess that’s why we keep each other around. Too much opportunity for
blackmail.”
A hundred memories began swirling around them
and Ryan started laughing, so
hard that he couldn’t sit up anymore. He fell
back on the ground and tried
to catch his breath. When he caught Colin’s eye
he started laughing harder
which set Colin off and he too collapsed in
hysterics.
When they finally regained their composure they
both felt relaxed and
insanely happy. Turning so he faced Colin, Ryan
pillowed his head on his
arm and said, “Sometimes I miss those days. The simplicity, the downtime,
but mostly the freedom.”
“Yeah, I know what you mean. We have a lot more responsibilities now.
Plus
you used to get to see so much more of my
charming self,” Colin said
mirroring Ryan’s position.
“Yeah, that was a definite plus.”
The sincerity in Ryan’s tone touched Colin and
he let his gaze wander his
friend’s open, unguarded expression. His eyes
came to rest on Ryan’s mouth
and another of those fleeting impulses ran
through his mind. As usual, he
dismissed it.
“Besides seeing you on a daily basis, I also
miss the feeling of us against
the world, you know? Two
starving comedians struggling to get a break, the
whole world before us. I miss having the dream.”
Colin nodded. “I guess sometimes wanting is
better then having.”
“Thank you Mr. Spock.”
“Anytime,” Colin said, laughing, “I do agree, though. I find myself
longing
for those days too.”
“Longing?” Ryan repeated softly.
Something about Ryan whispering that word struck
a chord in Colin. He felt
his gaze being drawn back to Ryan’s mouth and
his breath caught in his
throat. “Yeah, longing,” he said, his voice
rough.
They were both silent as the moment they were
stumbling into became clear.
Sliding his gaze back up to meet Ryan’s, Colin
was not surprised to find his
friend's eyes liquid dark.
“Maybe there’s still a dream or two out there,”
Colin said, reaching out and
cupping Ryan’s cheek.
Ryan covered Colin’s hand with his. “Or maybe
right here,” he said, his
eyes drifting shut. “Tell me you feel it, too.”
Colin decided to show him instead. He leaned
forward and brushed his lips
gently, teasingly. All thoughts of propriety and
responsibility fell away
with the slide and caress of Ryan’s mouth. The
soft touch was igniting him.
He leaned to the kiss, running his tongue over
Ryan’s lips. When he felt
Ryan returning the gesture all restraint was
lost. He pushed Ryan onto his
back and slid on top of him, reveling in the
feel of the big man’s body
crushed underneath his.
Colin deepened the kiss, pulling and tugging in
a desperate attempt to get
closer. Ryan worked his hands under Colin’s
shirt and slid his hands across
his bare skin. He’d wanted Colin for so long,
wanted to touch him like
this, and now that he had the opportunity, he
wasn’t hesitant to go with it.
Colin broke away, pulling back until he could
look into Ryan’s eyes. He was
almost too conscious of the feel of Ryan pressed
against him. That, plus
the sight of Ryan’s kiss swollen lips, made it
hard for him to form coherent
sentences.
“Ry, I…we…we should talk about this.”
He wasn’t willing to throw away a 20 yr
friendship for a lustful whim. If
that’s all this was for Ryan then he knew he had
to stop it, although the
reasons why were becoming murkier by the second.
The passionate look on the other man’s face was
nearly his undoing. He
wanted to continue kissing him and thought he
could die from the want of it.
It was becoming a physical ache, but he needed
some assurance. He knew he
wouldn’t regret it, but he had to be sure Ryan
wouldn’t either.
“What should we say,” Ryan asked,
his tone low and laced with desire. His
hands were still tracing light circles on
Colin’s back.
“What is this? The beer?
Two lonely men looking for warmth? I mean, why
tonight, after all these years,
do I suddenly want to make love to you so
bad that I hurt?”
His last words sent a tremor through Ryan and he
pressed against Colin
trying to ease the pressure. Colin thrust back
without thought and both men
moaned at the feel of their erections sliding
against each other.
“Oh
me this isn’t a sudden development. It’s been
building for years.”
Colin closed his eyes, cursing himself for never
acting upon the million
impulses he’d had over the years pushing him
towards Ryan. “I’ve wanted
you, too. In fact…I…I’ve loved you since, well,
since we met, I’d have to
say.”
“Love?”
“Yeah.”
Suddenly Ryan pushed him off and stood up. Colin
sat on the ground in shock
looking up at an increasingly agitated Ryan.
“Love, huh? Why didn’t you tell me? Why did you
marry her? Why did you
pursue her right in front of me? Why…” Ryan’s
voice trailed off.
Colin stood up and walked towards him saying, “I
didn’t think I had a chance
in hell with you. I didn’t want to be alone,
pining for someone I could
never have. You weren’t exactly sitting around
waiting for me, either.
Don’t you understand? If I thought for one
moment that you could want me I
would have ran to you.”
They stared at each other in the moonlight with
realizations and truths
flowing between them. Anger over missed time and
opportunity was losing a
battle with love and desire.
Walking towards each other they slid back into
an embrace and smiled as the
actuality of their situation struck them both.
Here they were, two incredibly aroused middle
aged men, completely happy,
wanting nothing more then to make love to each
other, who’d both spent years
trying deny such feelings. The irony might have
got to them if they hadn’t
been so focused on the lovemaking aspect.
Pulling Colin into the house, Ryan led him to
the guest room and laid him on
the bed. Sliding on top of him, Ryan kissed him
and whispered soft
endearments.
Without reservation they made the leap from
friends to lovers. Clothes came
off in a tangled heap landing haphazardly
throughout the room. The brush
and rub of bare skin on bare skin was unbearably
erotic for both of them.
It was the consummation of years of pent up
desire; it was almost too much.
“Damn, I feel like a teenager. I feel like I
could come and we haven’t even
done
anything yet,” Ryan said, slightly embarrassed.
“I know. God, what you do to me, Ryan. I don’t
think I’ve ever been this…”
Colin’s voice trailed off as Ryan began sucking
on his neck. He was reduced
to a series of moans and sighs.
Moving down, Ryan sucked and nipped until Colin
swore he could feel every
nerve ending in his body tingling. Colin felt
like he was melting into the
sheets. He could feel his bones losing cohesion
and he felt the only thing
keeping him together was Ryan.
When it became too much he pulled Ryan back up
and turned him over so he
could return the pleasure. Exploring Ryan’s body
seemed to take on
sacredness with the reverence and care he
bestowed on it. Every curve and
every line was given due attention and
worshipped in turn.
Colin stopped moving and looked up at Ryan. “I’m
not sure…I’ve never….”
“Neither have I, but
please…do something.”
The pleading in Ryan’s voice struck Colin hard.
He never wanted Ryan to
want for anything. Without further thought, he
slid down and took Ryan’s
erection in his mouth. The strangled moan Ryan
let out nearly made him
come. The sensation was overwhelming; he felt so
powerful, like an explorer
discovering a new territory.
“
Ryan’s tone stopped him and he looked up afraid
he had done something wrong.
When he took in Ryan’s glazed eyes and flushed
face he decided he that
wasn’t the problem.
“What is it?”
“I want…I mean how far do you
want to go with this?”
“All the way. As far as
you want to. I wanted you for so long. I’m so
ready for this,” Colin said, a shy smile belying
the boldness in his
statement.
“Then I’d love to go all the way,” Ryan said,
with a sheepish grin at the
phrasing.
“Wow. I…” Colin stopped as that thought made him
even more aroused. He’d
dreamed of this, fantasized about it, for years
“If you don’t want to…”
“No, I mean, yes I do. It’s just we’re gonna
need some, something.”
“Yeah.”
“Wait. I know.” Colin got up and went to his bag. He pulled out a bottle
of massage oil he’d gotten at the last hotel he’
stayed in. Turning to face
Ryan he was rendered immobile for a moment.
“Good lord, your beautiful,” he
said letting his eyes wander Ryan’s frame.
Ryan dropped his eyes, suddenly self-conscious.
“Sure if you go for the
tall, pale, and emaciated look.”
Colin dropped down next to him, saying, “Don’t do that self-deprecating
thing, Ry. Not now. I think you, like this, are positively stunning.”
The passion and gentle truth in his words
touched Ryan immeasurably. He
pulled Colin to him and kissed him until they
were both breathless.
Making love to Ryan felt like coming home after
being away for far too long.
Even going through the unfamiliar motions, Colin
felt a sense of
rightness, of becoming. He felt as if, in this
moment, he was becoming the
man he always knew he should be. It was an
electric, glorious feeling
reached far beyond sex and made him feel
omnipotent.
Finally, feeling like the world was realigning
and righting itself, Colin
entered Ryan slowly. Noticing the look of
discomfort he stopped moving and
said, “All right?”
Ryan could help but laugh. It wasn’t a teasing
laugh. It was a laugh of
pure joy at feeling so loved, so treasured, and
so free. “I’m fine, love.
Don’t stop. Don’t ever stop.”
Colin seemed to understand what Ryan was saying.
“I won’t. I couldn’t,” he
said as he began moving again. This time Ryan
seemed more relaxed and it
felt so good, Colin moaned in pleasure.
Moving faster and deeper he brushed a spot that
made Ryan arch off the bed
and cry out incoherently.
His cries were heightening Colin’s arousal and
driving him nearer and nearer
to the edge. He wanted Ryan to leap off that
precipice with him so he began
stroking him with his slick hand.
Suddenly, for Colin, it became a collage of
images and sensations. The feel
of Ryan’s nails digging into his back and the
look of passion on his face.
The feel of driving into his tight heat as his
slick erection slid against
Colin’s palm. Feeling completely loved and then
seeing that love mixed with
a burning desire in Ryan’s eyes.
Everything seemed to explode at that moment. He
felt Ryan shudder and then
he felt his release coat his palm and his
stomach and then everything went
white. He felt pleasure starting from the center
of his body and then
exploding outward to encompass all of him. It
was indescribable and for one
blessed moment he just was; there was no doubt,
no fear, just him and Ryan
in a perfect moment of rightness.
Slowly coming back down to earth he buried his
face in Ryan’s neck. “I love
you,” he whispered, trying to put in words what
could never be explained.
“I love you, too.”
Ryan pulled Colin into his arms and held him
close murmuring softly.
They both knew that needed to talk about this
and there were pressing,
profound concerns they needed to address. They
were two married men who’d
begun an affair. For right now though, the only
thing that mattered was
staying close and hanging on to the sense of
rightness that they’d
discovered tonight.
Holding onto each other tightly and feeling
indescribably content and happy,
they fell asleep.
Waking up Ryan felt a pleasant lethargy flowing
through his body and warmth
covering him. He felt blanketed in security and
surrounded by love. Last
night came back to him in waves and suddenly he
didn’t know how to feel.
He was definitely happy and last night felt so
right, so good. On the other
hand, the one with the gold band, he felt guilt.
His relationship with his
wife hadn’t been doing that well and they were
never as close as he and
Colin were. There was always a distance and
bridges neither were willing to
cross. Now, though, he knew he had to burn those
bridges, make a clean
break, for the both of them.
With that certainty he was comfortable, but he
was unsure of what Colin
would do. He really wanted to be with Colin,
preferably forever, but would
he be willing to give up the life he had to
start one with Ryan?
Ryan pushed aside the doubts swirling inside his
head and held Colin
tighter. He wanted to enjoy the peace of this
moment as long as he could.
He felt lost in endless time as he rubbed
Colin’s back and nuzzled his neck
gently.
Colin began to stir, murmuring softly. He opened
his eyes and smiled at
Ryan. “So, it wasn’t a dream?”
“Nope.”
“Thank goodness. I couldn’t handle that,” Colin said sliding up to kiss
Ryan.
When they separated Ryan asked, “So. You’re not
regretting this in the cold
light of morning?”
“I only regret that it took us so long to get
here. Anyways it’s not so
cold, is it,” Colin said snuggling on top of
him.
“No, actually it’s quite hot in here.”
“Yes you are,” Colin said with a leer and wink.
Ryan laughed as Colin’s giddiness got the better
of him.
“You know it.” He said rolling on top of Colin
and tickling him until he
begged for mercy.
They were still laughing as they got out of bed
and walked to the shower
hand in hand.
Ryan knew they had a million details to work out
but he also knew for
certain that they would. It wouldn’t be easy,
but becoming who you’re meant
to be never is.
finis