"Okay, that's it. Come on."
Colin Mochrie shoved open the door and charged into the men's
bathroom, waving to
Greg Proops, Ryan Stiles and Wayne Brady with his other
hand. The three men stood
in the hallway for a moment with a look of confusion on his face,
but when Colin stuck
his head back out, the anger on his features brought the others
hesitantly to the door.
He pointed down at the floor. "Get in here,
Ryan," Colin ordered.
Ryan shrugged, disturbed by his friend's sudden change in
attitude. Less than a minute
before, the four of them had all been on stage, laughing and
smiling...and now this? The
sudden shift in attitude from the normally sedate Canadian didn't
make sense to him.
"Get in here," Colin repeated.
"Well, sure, Col," he replied hesitantly.
"But why?"
"'Cause I've had it, that's why." He gestured at
Wayne and Greg. "And you two! I
need witnesses for this. Come in here, and lock the door
behind you."
The authoritative tone in Colin's voice propelled Greg and Wayne
forward. Wayne
entered first, closely followed by Greg, who pushed the door shut
behind him and
reached up for the small silver knob on the bathroom door.
He turned the knob, then
tugged experimentally on the handle, but the door didn't open.
"What's wrong, Colin?" Greg asked. He dropped his
hands to his sides and glanced at
Wayne.
"I'm pissed off, that's what," Colin shot back.
He paced the brown-tiled bathroom
floor, his hands on his hips. "At all of you. But
mostly at you--"
Colin shot the words out towards Ryan, who recoiled slightly and
brought his arms
protectively up towards his chest. He curled up his right
hand and his left hand fell limp
at the wrist, a typical mannerism whenever he felt threatened.
"What did I do?"
"'What did I do?'" he mocked. "What you
always do. You've always got to be
superior to everyone, don't you? You couldn't even let me
win that hoedown. Your
competitive ego just couldn't let that happen."
The newly-peformed hoedown ran through everyone's mind.
They had just finished
taping the 100th episode of "Whose Line Is It, Anyway?"
and they had performed a
hoedown about the show. Wayne and Drew Carey had kept it
safe and stuck to the
topic, praising Warner Brothers and ABC, and slamming the NBC
show "Friends"
along with another network, UPN. Colin had done his hoedown
another way and
brought up the seemingly-endless jokes about his baldness, then
ended it by claiming
he didn't mind because "I'm hung the best." Ryan
couldn't let that rest, though, and
had sung that he had the biggest penis, and had it tucked in his
sock.
Colin had smiled and echoed the last line back to him, but the
warning look in his eyes
had been too easily dismissed by everyone on the stage.
Wayne took a step back and he and Greg stood
shoulder-to-shoulder, both with
matching looks of concern, as they realized what he meant.
"Look," Wayne started, "this sounds kind of
personal. I don't know if we really need
to be here to--"
"Oh, you need to be here." Colin nodded at the
two men. "Because I don't want him--"
he pointed at Ryan, "--saying that I lied about this."
Without hesitation, Colin reached for his pants and pulled open
his belt, then undid the
hook at the top and unzipped his pants. He let the khaki
pants fall to his knees, then he
reached for his underwear.
"Well, come on," he persisted. He stood with the
urinals at his back, a few feet away
from the wall, and pointed beside him. "We're gonna measure
these puppies, and I want
an apology, on-air, for the next show. I've tolerated the
bald jokes, I've put up with the
name-calling, but I'll be damned if I'm gonna let you get away
with this."
Ryan shook his head. "What are you, nuts? This
isn't the high school locker room.
We're in our forties, for God's sakes. You're married, I'm
married, we've got kids. I
don't have to whip it out and prove you wrong, pal. There's
no reason--"
"That's exactly why we're doing this," Colin
interrupted. "I'm here to prove you wrong."
He reached into his underwear with one hand, the thumb of his
other hand hooked
around the elastic of the blue briefs. "Are you up for
this or not?" he prodded. "Or are
you afraid of losing this, too? Like you lost your money
last weekend?"
Ryan's face grew very still. Colin knew how competitive
Ryan could be, and he also
knew how to hit the right buttons in him. When he mentioned
the card game they had
played the past Saturday night, during which Ryan had lost nearly
$150 to him, Colin
knew just what the reaction of his longtime friend would be.
Ryan did not disappoint him. With an statement close to a
sneer, he stepped right up
next to Colin and unbelted his pants as well. His hand
slowed down as he fumbled with
the zipper, and he eased his pants off his slender hips to reveal
a pair of black brief
underwear. Across the room, Wayne and Greg looked at the
two men, glanced at one
another, then looked back at them.
"I'm not getting in on this," Wayne muttered.
"Me, neither," Greg replied in a low voice.
"I've seen both of `em, and I know damned
well they can beat me."
"From here," Wayne added.
Greg snickered, but the humor drained out of the situation as
soon as Ryan reached
beneath the tight cotton material and curled his hand around his
penis. Ryan met Colin's
eyes and then simultaneously, without another word to one
another, they pushed their
underwear down until it looped around their thighs.
The two men looked down. Ryan extended his member in front
of him with both hands,
and Colin did the same.
"Whoa," Greg choked.
"Holy shit," Wayne remarked.
"It's close, at the very least."
"Damned right."
Ryan let out a long breath to ease his nerves, which had kicked
up by standing half-
naked beside Colin. Colin looked down and compared his
penis with Ryan's in an
unashamed way, his face held in a neutral and slightly interested
statement.
Colin, because he had been born in Scotland, had never been
circumsized and he
silently cheered his parents for that blessing. If anything, it
appeared that his uncut
foreskin would buy him that extra length he needed to be superior
to Ryan. They'd
seen each other naked before, of course-- you don't know someone
for over twenty
years without the occasional glance at the urinal or watching
them change clothes--
but they'd never done a side-by-side comparison before.
Colin noted that his friend's
slender penis did not have the girth that his did, and chalked up
another positive mark
for himself.
But when Ryan pressed his hip up against Colin and pulled himself
closer, Colin's heart
sank. He hadn't noticed that Ryan had been standing
slightly behind him. When the tall
man moved up directly next to him, it became clear that Ryan won
the contest by a
good inch and a half. At least. His splendid flesh
extended from a thin mound of curly
brown hair, whereas Colin's burst forth from a patch of bushy
gray-blonde hair. Had
their competition been based on looks alone, Ryan's impressive
length and well-
sculptured penis would have won easily.
"Satisfied?" Ryan asked.
Colin looked up at Ryan, who stepped back and put his clothing
back in order. Ryan
did not look satisfied; in fact, he looked more disappointed than
Colin felt at that
moment.
"Yeah." Humbled, Colin pulled his underwear back
up, then straightened out his pants
and zipped them up. He looked sheepishly across the room at
Wayne and Greg.
"Sorry, guys. I thought I had him there."
Wayne, even more uncomfortable than before, looked away and
nodded. "That's all
right, man. And I am sorry about the bald jokes," he
added.
"That's all right," Colin replied.
Greg, unable to contain himself any longer, let out his typical
sing-song laugh and
dropped to his knees, his hands extended in front of him.
"We have witnessed greatness today, gentlemen!" he
proclaimed. "We should be
grateful to be blessed on this planet with two spectacular
examples of the human body.
And remember," he remarked, his voice dropping back to
normal, "it's not the size, it's
how you use it."
"Oh, if you keep up that shit, we'll show you how we use
`em," Ryan remarked.
Ryan took a threatening step towards Greg, who scrambled off his
knees, fumbled
with the lock on the door, and raced out of the bathroom,
screaming the entire time.
Wayne broke up and held onto the corner of the wall for support,
laughing so
hysterically that he could hardly move. Colin and Ryan also
laughed and reached
out to help him, but Wayne backed up.
"Hell, no, you're not touching me!" He snickered
and gestured towards the row of
sinks behind him. "Not `til you two wash your
hands."