Dark Secrets

by Heather

Colin Mochrie and Ryan Stiles were sound asleep. It had been a long morning of rehearsals and they were catching a quick nap before the taping that evening. Curled up together in Ryan’s trailer, the first knock on the door didn’t even come close to waking them. Neither did the second, or the third, and finally Drew Carey just stuck his head in the door and yelled at his sleeping friends. “All right you two, we have some major issues here. Haul your asses out of bed, now!”

Colin groaned and buried his head under a pillow, while Ryan used his own pillow to throw at Drew.

“I mean it you guys, get out here! Mark is leaving and we are starting the taping in two hours, with or without a stage manager. Ryan, get your executive producer butt over here!” Drew sounded frazzled, unusual for the normally cheerful host.

Ryan sat up and looked at Drew in confusion. “What are you talking about? Mark’s leaving? Now? What the hell is going on?”

“Well if you would get over here I can tell you on the way to the office. We are tracking down a replacement right now, but we need your help. You know how picky Dan is about getting everyone’s input. So come on already!”

Ryan got up but pushed Colin back down when the shorter man tried to follow him. “You get some more sleep. We don’t need you for this, right Drew?”

“Yeah, okay, whatever, just come on!”

As Drew led Ryan down the hallway, he explained the situation. Apparently Mark Leveson had some kind of family emergency and was already on a plane out of L.A. Mark had apologized for the sudden departure, but family was a priority for him. Now the producers were beating their brains out trying to come up with a last minute replacement for their absent stage manager. As they burst into the main office, Ryan and Drew saw Dan on the phone, speaking rapidly. He looked up at them and covered the mouthpiece for a moment, “I think we might have someone here who can help us out.” Dan sounded tense but optimistic and everyone else in the room waited nervously, hoping the possibility would pan out.

“All right, that’s great. We really appreciate this. Okay, see you in about 20 minutes. Thanks Nick, you’re a lifesaver. Okay, bye.” Dan looked around, grinning, and said, “We got a new stage manager, he'll be here soon.”

“That was fast,” Ryan said. “Who did we get?”

“His name is Nick Fillman, he usually works for game shows but he said our format isn’t that different. Plus, he knows Mark and says he understands the style.” Dan Patterson sounded relieved, as going on without an experienced stage manager would have been very difficult.

“I’ve never heard of him, just which shows did he work on?” Drew asked, sounding skeptical.

“Well, we didn’t really have time to get into that, but Drew, we’re in a bind here,” Dan replied. “Its Nick or nobody. Besides, since when are you an expert on the world of TV production?”

The others couldn’t disagree with this, and they all sat down to wait and speculate on the new guy. Ryan was hoping Nick wouldn’t try to change everything at the last minute. He had so many years of experience with the show, Ryan felt like he could fill the job himself if he wasn’t performing. But of course, that wasn’t an option. <I’ll just help the new guy out, tell him how things are done here> Ryan was thinking, when someone knocked on the door.

Drew was closest; he jumped up and pulled the door open. The man who walked in could only be described as Big with a capital B. Ryan was used to being much taller than everyone he met, but this guy was very close to looking him in the eyes. Drew actually took a step back before he stuck out his hand and said, “Nick Fillman?” Nick nodded and shook Drew’s hand, then went around the room for the usual introductions. Ryan found himself a little intimidated by Nick’s size. The man was a little shorter, but was clearly much heavier, and it looked to be all muscle. <This guy could break me in half like a stick> was the thought running through his mind as he sat back down. Nick had jet black hair and cold, dark blue eyes, but the somewhat menacing appearance was dissolved when he smiled.

“Well, I imagine you are all wondering if I am going to be a pain in the ass, huh? Well don’t worry; I have no intention of fixing things that aren’t broken. I know I’m just a temp, so let’s stick with what works.”

These words lightened the atmosphere of the room considerably, and everyone got down to a serious discussion about the upcoming taping. An hour later, Ryan walked out on the stage and dropped into his usual seat with a sigh of relief. Nick seemed to be a quick study and it looked like there wasn’t going to be any problems. Colin was already sitting in his place, looking relaxed and happy. <At least somebody got a good nap> Ryan thought, a little sourly. Colin leaned over and asked, “So what happened? Did you get a replacement?”

“Yeah, his name is Nick, he seems pretty good. Dan dug him up from somewhere.” Ryan pointed offstage to where Nick was discussing something with the lighting guys. “You can see him, he’s right over there.”

Colin looked, but with the bright lights on the stage and the shadows offstage, he could only make out a vague outline. “Looks big, is that him?”

Ryan nodded and poured a glass of water, impatient for the show to start. He was looking away from Colin when Nick called over, “Everyone got their envelopes for the games later?”

A general chorus of “Yeah” answered him and Nick went back to his talk with the lighting guy. Ryan turned back to Colin to make some kind of comment but stopped when he saw the fear on his friend’s face. “Col? You okay?”

Colin said nothing; he didn’t even seem to hear the question. He was staring into space, a faraway look in his eyes. His hands were still lightly touching his chest where he had been adjusting the microphone, and they began to shake slightly. Ryan put his hand on Colin’s shoulder to get his attention and was puzzled when his longtime friend flinched away.

“Colin? What’s wrong buddy?”

Colin just shook his head and looked down at his hands, which were now twisting together nervously. “Nothing Ry, don’t worry, it’s nothing.” That voice...it was familiar but Colin couldn’t place it. Nor could he explain why a stranger’s voice filled him with such dread.

Ryan looked at him suspiciously for a moment, hearing the tremor in his friend’s voice. Colin wasn’t the kind to get pre-taping nerves, and he had been fine just a few moments ago. Before Ryan could ask another question, he saw Nick signaling him about something, so he waved the big man over. Colin was still staring into his lap when Nick walked by and took the seat next to Ryan. “Hey, we’re thinking about moving camera two, what do you think?”

Before Ryan answered he said, “Hey, Nick, this is Colin.” His friend looked up at the sound of his name—and straight into Nick’s eyes. It was a good thing that Colin was sitting down, or he would have collapsed. His stomach took a sickening lurch and his fists clenched so tight that the fingernails nearly sliced his palms. Colin’s whole body suddenly felt far away, like it belonged to someone else. <No, it can’t be, it just can’t, no...It’s not him because he isn’t real, none if it really happened, not to me! Oh God, he’s looking at me again…those empty eyes…No! I don’t want to remember! Please, let me be dreaming…I don’t want this to be real.> Then all coherent thought left him and the memories took over.

* * *

Vancouver, Canada, 1980.

At 23, Colin was in between improv jobs, in between relationships, and in between two empty stools in a run down gay bar. He stared into a half-empty beer mug as if the answers to all his questions might be in there. Nobody talked to him, his posture and the look on his face clearly said, “Leave me the hell alone.” That is, nobody until a big guy in a leather jacket tapped him on the shoulder. Colin turned and looked up, not bothering to hide his irritation. “Yeah? I suppose I’m sitting on your stool or something?” His tone was probably not wise, considering the man’s stature, but Colin was three sheets to the wind and didn’t care.

“No, actually I was going to ask if the seat next to you was taken,” the man replied, smiling disarmingly. When he got no reply, he simply sat himself down anyway. “So, how are things going for you?”

Colin looked at him in disbelief for a moment before snapping, “Well, things are great. Things are out-fucking-standing, thanks so much for asking.” The sarcasm in his voice seemed to put the guy off, but only for a moment.

“Hi. My name is Nick Fillman, how about you?” Nick stuck his hand out, obviously expecting Colin to return the gesture.

“You don’t take hints well, do you Nick?” When the big man didn’t lower his hand, Colin sighed and dropped the attitude. He was just too tired to keep pretending he was tough. He took the offered hand, saying, “Colin. I’m Colin. So what the hell do you want?”

“Colin, its nice to meet you,” said Nick, still holding his hand. In fact, he was now lightly rubbing the inside of Colin’s palm with his thumb. “You look like you’re having a rough day. Can I give you are ride home?”

Some little voice in Colin’s head told him to say no, but that voice sounded suspiciously like his father, and he was sick of being told what to do. <I’m tired of taking shit for being gay. That’s who I am, and if dad doesn’t like it he can just go to hell. If I want to take a ride with a total stranger, then I will! Besides, he seems to like me. It’s been a long time since anyone showed an interest, and I’m not going to pass this up just because my fucking father wouldn’t approve! You always thought you knew best, didn’t you? Never let me make my own choices, be my own man…well, this is my choice, dad, so get the fuck out of my head!>

“Sure, Nick, that sounds good. Let me pay for this and we can go.”

Nick smiled and waited for Colin, then led him out to his car. He even opened the door for Colin, earning another look of disbelief. As they drove out of the parking lot, Colin couldn’t help but wonder what he had gotten himself into. <I just got into a car with a total stranger who is a hell of a lot bigger than me. But hey, what’s the worst that could happen?>

Nick gave his passenger a quick glance, but Colin was looking forward with a thoughtful expression on his face. Nick followed suit, concentrating on the road, and his own thoughts. <That was almost too easy. Goddamn fags all think with their dicks anyway, it’s a miracle they haven’t all died of stupid ass accidents. Maybe a bunch of car wrecks because they were too busy getting sucked off and forgot to drive. That would be sweet, a big wreck with lots of smashed glass and metal. And all the blood, of course. That’s the best part. Actually, that would be nice if they did all die, then I wouldn’t have to go through this. That stupid fairy better be grateful for this, if it weren’t for me he’d have that disease all his life. Thank God I’m not a fag. I can’t just stand by and let degenerates like him get away with spreading their sickness. He’ll thank me when it’s over. After I’m done with him he’ll never want to fuck another man as long as he lives. Oh hell, he’s looking at me. God, I can’t stand those eyes, it’s so repulsive to think he might be attracted to me. And that mouth, oh shit he’s licking his lips, that human disease is actually coming on to me! I want to hit him so bad, just bash that little fairy mouth in.

Deep breaths.

Don’t hit him.

Not yet.>

Colin looked over at his apparent benefactor and licked his lips nervously. The guy—Nick—was looking at him with an expression of friendly concern. “So, you want to tell me about it?” Nick asked, looking back at the road again.

“About what?”

Nick shot him a quick glance and replied, “About why you were sitting in that bar drunk off your ass with no way to get home and a really bad attitude.”

“Oh, that.” The joke was weak, but Nick chuckled a little anyway. That loosened Colin up; he loved it when he could make someone laugh.

“Well, I have been out of work for a while now,” Colin started, “and drinking seemed like a good way to forget that. Along with several other things.”

“Like what?” The honest interest in Nick’s voice was very encouraging, and Colin found himself talking more than he had meant to.

“Well, I work in comedy, I’m trying to do improv but the market for that sort of thing is tight, and I don’t really have the looks for it. Plus, people tend to back off fast when they find out I’m gay. I don’t really have any close friends to help me out, and my last job ended a month ago. I’m broke, in a week I’m going to be evicted, and when I went to my parents today to ask for money, my father refused because he doesn’t approve of my lifestyle. Now what kind of fucked up thing is that? I get so tired of hearing his shit sometimes, and mom is no better. She just backs him up, like always. For once I wish she would take my side! So now, I’ve got nowhere to go, no work, no friends, nothing.” Colin trailed off, a little surprised at himself. <Damn, I didn’t know I had so much to say.>

Nick looked over at him sympathetically and said, “That’s terrible man, sounds like you are having a really bad time of it.”

Colin nodded and glanced at his new friend, then quickly looked away. The sympathetic face was right, but the eyes…something was a little weird in those depthless blue eyes. It wasn’t so much the expression in them, but the lack of one. He shrugged it off, telling himself to quit being so paranoid.

“You know, a friend of mine owns a bar, and they are looking for a new act. I bet I could get you an audition.”

“Really?” Colin winced at the pathetic eagerness in his voice, but he hated being out of work.

“Yeah, you know, my place is right up here. Why don’t we stop in and I’ll call my friend and have him talk to you. I’ll twist his arm a little if need be.”

Colin’s first impulse was to say yes, but he remembered the odd look in Nick’s eyes and hesitated. “I don’t know…”

“Hey, up to you, I guess I’ll just take you home then,” Nick replied, sounding unconcerned.

“No, wait…” <I’d be an idiot to pass up an opportunity like this. Even if I wasn’t broke and desperate, jobs don’t come along every day. So quit being a ninny and take the offer.> “Okay, let’s do it.”

Nick gave Colin his most charming smile, and it worked. His passenger smiled back and relaxed against his seat again, looking idly out the window. Within a few minutes they had turned into a long driveway. As they got further and further from the main road, Colin began to feel a little nervous again. He shook it off, but it was getting harder and harder to stay cool. Something about this just didn’t feel right.

<I’ve got him now. Looked like he was going to back out there for a minute, but of course his dick overruled his better judgment. He probably thinks he’s going to get laid. Well he is, but not the way he has in mind. This is all too easy, goddamn fag is just asking for it, practically begging to be taken. I open the door for him and do that little ‘after you’ thing. He’s smiling at me again, that cocksucking mouth, I want to hit him so bad. Just a few more seconds, when he turns his back….>

Colin’s lips curved into one of his shy smiles when Nick insisted on holding the door for him. He was beginning to feel like some kind of old-fashioned woman or something, it was weird. The house was huge, and pitch black inside. Colin walked into what felt like a large space, but he couldn’t see a thing.

“Nick? Where’s the light switch?” No answer. Colin turned around in time to see the door swing shut, and he was in total darkness. “Nick?” His voice was beginning to shake, and Colin felt a presence behind him. He started to turn; there was a sense of sudden movement, a hard, sharp pain in the back of his head, and then, darkness.

<What a slut. Just look at him tied out on the bed. Undressing him was sickening. I hate touching all that skin. He wants it. He’s been asking for it all night. Now the little fag is going to get more than he bargained for. I hope he wakes up soon; I want to get this over with. I hate having to touch them, but its necessary. This way, he can’t corrupt anyone else with his sickness. It’s repulsive, looking at him. Good thing I can force myself to get hard. Its not like I get any pleasure from this. I’m not a fag, never will be. This is just a job that has to be done. Oh good, he’s waking up. I hope he fights it. It’s always better when they fight.>

Colin woke up with a headache and a peculiar feeling of tightness across his chest. He soon realized that the tight feeling was caused by ropes stretching his arms away from his body. Panic began to rise in his belly as Colin grasped his situation. Nick. It must have been him. But where was he? Colin looked around the room, but the bed was brightly lit, leaving the rest of the room in shadows. Then, one of the shadows came forward. Nick materialized out of the darkness, and this time the look on his face matched the one in his eyes. Colin tried not to let his fear show as the bigger man approached and opened his mouth to speak.

“This is what you wanted. You’ve been begging for it ever since you saw me. You little whore.”

The tone of voice, cold and empty, was more frightening than the words themselves.

“You’re so disgusting, all you fags are a disease on society. But don’t worry, I’m the cure. I’m going to get rid of your disease so you can’t infect anyone else. I hate to do it, it repulses me to even be near you, but I’m going to fuck you until you never want sex with a man again. With any man. Ever.”

Before he could think, Colin snapped, “If I’m so disgusting, then why are you so hard? You’re such a freaking psycho you get off on this? Maybe you’d like it better if it was your mother tied down, you sicko!”

The expressionless mask on Nick’s face was instantly twisted into a murderous look, making Colin regret ever opening his big mouth. Nick lowered his head and slowly stalked toward the trembling man, not making a sound. The silence was complete and suffocating, Colin wanted to cry out just to break the tension. He was reminded of a bull getting ready to charge, slowly picking up speed as his hands curled into fists. When this bull charged, it was fast and vicious. The meaty thud of Nick’s blows filled the room, and Colin struggled to keep from crying out in pain. Finally, he couldn’t hold it in anymore, and his screams echoed off the walls. It was a relief when the darkness swallowed him again.

Nick’s rage cooled quickly. He didn’t want to kill Colin; that would be much too easy. No, this needed to last, and it was clear the little guy was going to be tough to break. His smart mouth in the face of his helpless situation was proof enough of that, plus the way he stayed quiet until the pain was overwhelming. Nick rubbed his hands together and grinned in anticipation. He loved a challenge.

<Maybe I should just quit. He’s right, fighting isn’t doing me any good. He tells me it’s been two days, feels like two years. Who knows, maybe he’s lying. I hate not knowing. Does anyone even wonder where I am? No, of course not. I’m just the out of work fag comic. God, now I’m calling myself that. Was that a sound? Is he coming again? No...not yet. He will come back though; he never leaves for long. I wish he would just let me lay here for a while. Everything hurts; I can’t seem to think straight with all the pain. I wonder if he broke any bones. I hope not. My head is spinning; I can’t concentrate on anything. How am I going to get out of here? How did I even get into this? I can’t seem to remember, everything is so fuzzy. And I keep losing track of time...I’m always so scared, every little sound makes me think he’s coming again. Why is this happening? Nick’s right, I did have this coming. What the hell was I thinking, coming out to some stranger’s house? And he picked me right out of the bar. I must have been giving off some kind of signal or something, to make him pick me.

What? Was that the door opening? It’s hard to see, he keeps it so dark in here. Please, don’t let it be him. Just a little longer, I can’t take this again right now. When he’s in me, it’s so much worse than the beatings. Oh no, it IS him. He’s coming forward again, in that bull walk of his. Please, not again, don’t hurt me anymore, please... I can’t think about this. I can’t think about what’s coming. Think of something else, the anticipation only makes it worse.

For someone so homophobic, he sure seems to enjoy raping me. But I know better that to point that out again. Learned my lesson the first time, thank you very much. What am I doing? Trying to make jokes of this? How can I even think like that? Because it’s the only way to stay sane, that’s how. Oh, God, he’s almost here. Walking so slowly-- he knows how it scares me. I can see his eyes now. Those cold, empty eyes. Does he even feel anything? I didn’t think it was possible for anyone to be so evil. His hands are almost on me now. No! Don’t touch me, please! Please... It’s a struggle not to cry...I feel like breaking down all the time now. He’s on top of me, looking at me...he likes to make me look in his eyes. Likes to see the terror on my face. Should I fight him again? I’m so tired; he won’t let me sleep at all. So tired of resisting. It’s going to happen anyway, fighting it just gets me beaten again. Why shouldn’t I just let him? After all, I was asking for this anyway. It’s my fault this happened. He’s right, I am a little whore.

Lets see what happens if I don’t fight. Maybe he’ll let me go. At least I might have a chance of surviving this. I can’t take many more beatings. Oh no, it’s starting. He’s inside me again...feels like I’m being torn apart. I don’t know what’s worse, the pain or the humiliation. Don’t fight, don’t fight, stay still. I don’t want him to hurt me anymore. If I can just be quiet, be still, maybe it won’t be so bad. Oh stop, please stop...no. Be calm. This isn’t happening to you; it’s somebody else. Just lay here and...no, I can’t. I can’t just take this, I have to fight, I have to...somebody else. Not me. Just be quiet.

Not me.

Don’t make a sound.

Don’t make a sound.>

Nick was pleased with himself. Colin had become a perfect little whore, even participating, giving blowjobs and allowing himself to be taken without the ropes. It had been five days and Nick was satisfied that his work was done. The little fairy was well and thoroughly broken. Hurting someone who didn’t seem to care was boring, so it was time to let him go. Colin said nothing when he was instructed to put his clothes on. He simply obeyed. Nick tended to discourage questions very harshly. He kept his head down as he followed Nick through the house, concentrating, as always, on being outside himself.

The past few days had taught Colin a great deal about detachment. He watched as a monster disguised as a man did terrible things to someone who looked vaguely like him, but it was all at a distance. He woke up a little when the cool night air hit his many cuts and bruises, but quickly withdrew again when Nick shot a warning look his way. They got in the car wordlessly, and Colin’s mind floated away for a little while. Lately, he felt like a flat rock skipping across the surface of a lake. He would watch things happen to him for a while, and then he would just be gone. When he hit the water again it might be a few minutes, or a few hours later.

When Colin came back to himself, he was trying to open the door to his apartment with shaking hands. He looked behind him, but no one was there. Finally getting the lock, he quickly shut the door behind him and leaned against it. This couldn’t be real. Nick wouldn’t actually let him go. This had to be a dream or a delusion or something. Then one of those skips happened, and Colin was suddenly standing in the shower, trying desperately to get clean. The steaming water was painful to his injuries, but he kept it hot, a half formed thought about heat killing germs flicking through his head. Another skip, and he was sitting down, shivering, the hot water long since run out. Cold water was cascading over his head as he sat there, curled up, knees against his chest. Finally he got out of the shower and stumbled toward the bedroom, exhaustion driving him to get some rest before anything else. He fell twice getting there, his whole body shaking in reaction. At last Colin made it and curled up into a tight ball on the bed, falling asleep almost immediately.

Over the next few days, the unnerving mental skips faded with the bruises, and Colin concentrated all his energy on forgetting. It had all happened to someone else, not to him. He got a job as a waiter to pay the rent, spent his days working and his nights drinking. The nightmares could only be held at bay with large amounts of alcohol and he was willing to do whatever it took to forget. Even when he met a young stand-up comic named Ryan Stiles a few years later, Colin never talked about it. He refused to think about it, and eventually managed to suppress it completely.

Until now.

When Colin saw Nick on that stage, it all came back in a startling rush. He swallowed and took some shallow breaths in an effort to keep his lunch down. Hands twisting together, shoulders tense, he stared at nothing as he tried to get his emotions under control. He could still hear Ryan and Nick talking about some meaningless little detail. <That voice. Oh God, that voice. Don’t make a sound. How could I forget? If anyone finds out what I did…if Ryan finds out…he’ll hate me. They all will, once they know I’m a whore. I can’t let them find out, no one can ever know. I can feel myself shaking. Being close to him is terrifying; I can’t even look at him. Just stay here, play the game, act like you’re fine. You can fool them, you’ve kept the secret for this long, a little longer won’t be that hard.>

He flinched again when Ryan touched his arm. Colin’s pale face and lost eyes made his best friend and lover lean forward in alarm.

“Col? What’s wrong? You look like you’re about to be sick.”

“Nothing, I said it was nothing, didn’t I?” Colin wouldn’t meet his eyes, and Ryan didn’t like the way his voice was shaking.

“Come on, I’m not buying it. Something is wrong, now talk to me!”

Colin was suddenly very angry. None of this was fair. He had gotten away from Nick; he shouldn’t have to face him again. It was just too much to ask. And now Ryan wouldn’t leave him alone.

“I told you it was nothing! Now back off, dammit!”

Ryan’s mouth dropped open for a moment before he snapped it shut in annoyance. <I have all these hassles to deal with, getting a new stage manager broken in at the last minute, and I even let Col sleep in. Now he wants to get all snarky with me? Well fine, he doesn’t want to tell me, that’s just fine.> The irritation left Ryan’s face when he saw the way Colin was hunched over, as if anticipating a blow. He looked at his friend carefully, noting the trembling hands, the paler-than-usual skin. <Something is definitely wrong here. But he won’t tell me now; that much is clear. I can’t just let this go though; it looks serious. I’ll find out later even if I have to question him all night.>

The two sat in pointed silence as the last few preparations were made, and then it was time to start the show. The first few games were pretty standard, but Colin was clearly off. After a particularly slow game of Greatest Hits, Ryan leaned over and asked, “What the hell was that? I had to carry that one, you’re hardly even here.”

“I’m just having an off day, all right? That happens you know, nobody’s perfect, so will you just lay off please?” Colin’s voice was tense and he was clipping the ends of his words the way he did when he was mad. Ryan’s lips thinned in irritation and he shook his head, more confused than angry. This just wasn’t like Colin.

Drew announced the next game, party quirks, and the performers opened their envelopes. Ryan smiled a little when he saw his: “Colin’s sexually harassing boss.” The producers all knew about their relationship, of course, and they seemed to enjoy creating sexual situations between the two stars of the show. They lined up outside the “door” as Greg started his party. Wayne entered first, going into a James Brown impersonation with all his usual flair. Greg got his quirk almost immediately and Wayne returned to his seat. Colin was next, and Ryan soon realized they were using the “man who panics at everything” quirk again. He sighed and shook his head, thinking the writers really needed to be more original. <Well, at least my quirk is going to be fun.> Drew cued him with the doorbell, and Ryan walked in, shaking his hips seductively and eyeing Colin. His friend gave him a nervous look and began to back away. Ryan smiled inwardly, he could always trust Colin to know what was up and play along.

“So, Ryan, how have you been?” asked Greg, trying to figure out his quirk.

“Oh, I’m a lot better now…” Ryan answered, letting his voice drop an octave and looking Colin up and down appreciatively. “Hey baby, have you thought about how much you want that promotion?” Ryan purred as he slipped an arm around Colin’s waist.

“What? What are you doing? Aaaah! Stop it!” Colin jerked away and tried to hide behind Greg, playing the panicky bit to the hilt. The crowd laughed as Ryan circled Colin like a shark, and the shorter man tried frantically to keep Greg between them. Greg had both their quirks by now but decided to let it go on a little longer because the crowd liked it. Ryan suddenly grabbed Colin’s arm and pulled him close, putting his other hand firmly on his partner’s ass. The audience cheered louder and even Greg started laughing. There was no laughter in Colin’s eyes, though. He pushed Ryan away as hard as he could and started backing up again.

“No, stop it, you just stop it right now! I mean it, leave me alone! Please…” The last word was delivered in a desperate whisper and Ryan paused, looking carefully at his friend. Colin was visibly shaking, and the fear in his eyes wasn’t an act. He started forward again, this time intending to reassure the shorter man, but Colin backed up again. The crowd went wild one more time as he tripped over the step and fell off the stage. Ryan went over to help him up, but pulled back when he saw the pure terror on Colin’s face. <What the hell? This isn’t a game for him, he’s really afraid of me. What’s going on here?>

Colin sat up on his own and just stayed there, keeping a wary eye on Ryan. The taller man kept his distance, not wanting to set him off again.

“Okay, Greg, you better guess before Colin breaks something,” Drew quipped, drawing another laugh from the audience.

“All right, Ryan is sexually harassing Colin right?” Ryan nodded and Drew buzzed him out. Ryan stayed where he was though, ready to help Colin up when it seemed likely that help would be accepted.

“And Colin was scared to death of Ryan for some reason?” Greg guessed, not so sure of Colin’s quirk.

“Well, it says here he panics at every little thing, so I guess that’s close enough.” Drew continued with his spiel about coming back after the commercial break, and they were off.

Colin finally got up and walked back to his chair, not looking at anyone. When he got there, he took a long drink of water and stared at the floor. Ryan and Greg looked at each other, then at Wayne who was sitting in his usual spot. He shrugged at the two performers still standing as if to say he didn’t know what was going on either. They sat down and Ryan once again leaned over to talk to Colin.

“You alright? Looked like a nasty fall there.”

“Yeah, I’m fine. I knew the step was there actually, I was just going for a laugh.”

Ryan looked at him skeptically, and said, “You seemed pretty far into the role there, Col. You sure there isn’t anything you want to tell me?”

“No! How many times do I have to say it? First you yell at me for not being into things, and then when I play it all the way, that’s not good either. What the hell do you want from me!?”

Ryan and Greg exchanged a worried look. Something was clearly wrong. Ryan thought he could count the number of times Colin had snapped at him in the past on one hand. Usually it only happened if he was scared about something, or angry with someone else. But Ryan couldn’t figure out the problem this time. Colin had been his usual mellow self, and then suddenly he wasn’t. He looked over at Greg but got no help there, the San Francisco native was just as confused. Ryan shook his head and looked as his life’s partner with great concern. <I’m not going to let him put me off. I’m getting to the bottom of this, one way or another.>

Ryan didn’t have a chance to grill Colin further though, as it was time to continue taping. Colin was clearly making an effort to be funny, which was unusual. His humor normally seemed effortless, and he could always crack Ryan up with something as little as a look.

“Ok, now its time for game called ‘Two Line Vocabulary,’ this is for Ryan, Colin, and Greg…” Drew explained the game as the three performers stood patiently. “Ok, Colin can say anything he wants; Greg, your lines are ‘Don’t touch that!’ and ‘Can I help?’ and Ryan, you can only say ‘That’s what I’m talking about’ and ‘Somebody needs a hug.’ Oh, and your scene is, three guys trying to put up wallpaper together. Take it away, guys.”

Colin mimed holding a piece of wallpaper up and Greg jumped in, saying, “Can I help?”

“Sure, just grab the glue over there…”

Ryan grabbed where Colin was pointing and acted like he was sniffing the glue. “That’s what I’m talking about!”

The audience laughed and Greg pretended to yank the glue away. “Don’t touch that!”

Ryan affected a scared look and said pitifully, “Somebody needs a hug,” pointing at himself.

Everyone laughed again, especially when Greg chimed in with, “Can I help?”

They hugged, Greg patting Ryan’s back reassuringly. The crowd cheered them on, everyone seemed to love seeing the guys get close.

“All right you two, quit flirting and help me here! I am not doing this all by myself!” Colin managed to sound exasperated despite the laughter his remark caused.

“Somebody needs a hug,” Ryan said sympathetically, and pulled Colin into his arms. To his surprise, the smaller man was whipcord tense, trembling slightly. Then Colin’s legs folded and Ryan was supporting him, looking worriedly at his friend. Colin clung to him tightly, burying his face in Ryan’s chest. The audience laughed and there were several calls of “Awwwww.”

Colin lifted his head and looked into his friend’s eyes. He could see the worry there, and felt a pang of guilt for causing it. He quickly pulled away, saying, “Wow, keep that glue away from me, that’s some strong stuff.”

The tense moment was over and they continued the game, not seeing the man watching them from offstage. He was looking at all of them, but he focused most of all on Colin.

<It IS him! I don’t believe it! I didn’t recognize him without his hair, but I would know that little fairy mouth anywhere. He shouldn’t be acting like that; I cured him years ago. I know he was broken; I made sure of it! So why is he looking at the tall guy like that? That walking beanpole must be a fag too. I knew it; they’re everywhere. That little one probably turned him; they love to infect people with their disease. I’m going to have to deal with the tall one too. No way am I working with a bunch of fags. I’ll get him first; make his little butt-buddy watch me break him. I can’t believe they actually did that little bump and grind in front of everyone. The way that little butt-fucker was clinging on the tall one; I wanted to run up there and yank them apart. The one with the faggy hair and glasses looks like he’s getting off on it. He must be one too, they all are. When did this happen? Did the bald one infect all of them? Shit, I thought I took care of him! Maybe some of them can’t be cured. Maybe they just need to be eliminated. Well, I won’t make the same mistake twice. One way or another, there is going to be one less fag in the world.

Soon.>

Nick continued to watch the game, his face in an expression of amusement. He seemed to be enjoying the show—unless you looked in his eyes. There was no laughter in the icy blue depths, no feeling at all. The performers continued on, unaware they were being marked for rape and torture.

When they returned to their seats after the game, Ryan opened his mouth to ask yet another question, but stopped when he saw the look on Colin’s face. He actually seemed a little more relaxed, as if the tight stage hug had calmed him somewhat. Ryan didn’t want to ruin that by pestering him further. Instead, he bit his tongue and kept silent somehow, vowing to drag the truth out of Colin as soon as the taping was over.

The rest of the workday went without incident, Colin was still a little off but better than before. Ryan was relieved when they finally played the last game, but his relief was short-lived. Drew and Dan collared him and started one of their long, difficult producers discussions. Ryan watched helplessly as Colin slipped away, heading back stage. <Damn, I wanted to talk to him right after the taping. He is looking really bad; I don’t have time for this piddly shit…But he’s not going anywhere. I guess I can wait a little longer, but it’s hard. I’m really worried about him…I hope he’ll be all right until I can get out of this and track him down. What am I saying, of course he’ll be all right. Nobody at the studio would hurt Colin. He’s safe here.>

Colin walked down the dimly lit hallway, not really sure where he was going. His head was spinning in confusion, no direction seemed right at the moment. <What am I going to do? I can’t face him again, but I can’t let anyone find out. What if he gets me again? Does he even remember me? God, I’m so scared, it’s like I’m right back there in Nick’s room again. It’s like I never left. I can feel the same old dread, the shame, the fear. I remember his touch; it was like a snake slithering on my skin…I’m shaking so much I can barely walk; I think I might throw up. I wish Ryan was holding me again. I felt safe then, if only for a moment. But I can’t let Nick see me with Ryan, he might come after me again. Oh my God, what if he goes after Ryan! No! I can’t even think about that. I have to pull myself together; just concentrate on walking. Think about the rest of it later, when I’m alone.>

Staring down at his feet, Colin was surprised when a big hand landed on his chest, stopping him short. The feeling was sickeningly familiar. It was cold and impersonal, without a shred of gentleness. So different from the way Ryan touched him, but just as easily recognized. It was amazing, really, how everything came back. Colin looked up slowly, knowing what he was going to see and dreading it. Nick stood there, grinning, that same old soulless look in his eyes.

“I remember you, you little fag. I never forget.”

Colin said nothing, looking down again, the old submissive behavior coming back as an instinctive response. <Oh no oh NO! Please, don’t let him hurt me again…I have to do what he wants, fighting will only make it worse. Stop touching me, I can’t stand your hand on me, get it off! Oh Ryan, where are you, help me please… No, calm down, don’t react. This can’t be happening again. Please, this can’t be real. But it is, oh God, it is.>

“I saw you out there with the tall fag, out there in front of everyone. You’re such a slut for doing something so disgusting in public…but then I already knew that about you. Now, I know about him too. Ryan, is it? Guess I’ll have to take care of him, but don’t worry, I’ll let you watch. You’ll probably get off on it, you worthless little shit.”

Colin shook his head helplessly, wanting to scream at Nick. The thought of Ryan going through the same experience he had was horrifying. Colin stared at his clenched fists, trying to push the image of Ryan being raped out of his mind. <NO! No…please… This is all my fault. I brought Ryan into this; I can’t let it happen to him. Never, that could never happen to Ryan…but I thought it could never happen to me either. What am I going to do?>

“Look at me.” The cold, empty voice was impossible to disobey, and Colin found himself looking up before he could even think about it. Nick was standing in his “bull” pose, head lowered, fists swinging slightly at his sides.

“You’re mine, fag-boy. I’m going to have you again, I’m going to break you again, and then I’m going to finish the job like I should have the first time.” Looking into Colin’s eyes, Nick slowly drew a finger across his throat, leaving no doubt as to what he was promising. “But before I finish you off, I’m going to make you watch me break your butt-buddy. I’m going to fuck him till he bleeds, make him beg, and I’m going to tell him how it’s all your fault. How you were such a whore back then, and you haven’t changed, have you? You’re going to spend the rest of your life with me, you little fag. It won’t be a long time, but it will be very…intense. And before it’s over, you’re going to be begging me for death. Count on it.”

Colin sagged against the wall and watched Nick walk away. Even after he was gone, Colin kept looking that way, convinced he was going to return. The encounter had been too terrifying to end so simply. Colin couldn’t move; he was so overwhelmed with emotions. Fear, shame, anger, all swirling around his mind, making logical thought impossible. <No…please no, not Ryan, not me, please… It would be different if it was just me…I’m so worthless, so dirty, it wouldn’t make much difference. After all, what’s a few more times after everything I’ve done? But Ryan…No! I can’t stand the thought of him touching Ryan. I have to warn him somehow, have to do something…I’m so lost. I wish Ryan was holding me…but I don’t deserve him. He’s so good to me, and I’ve been lying to him. And now I’ve brought Nick down on him, all because I was such a whore. I should just run away. Ryan can do a lot better than me; he deserves much better. But what if Nick gets him? I can’t let that happen, no matter what. Just thinking of seeing that monster hurt Ryan...Oh God, what am I going to do?>

Colin wasn’t sure how he made it back to his trailer, head swimming and body shaking. It was lucky he didn’t run into anyone on the way, as he was in no shape to act normal. Reaching the trailer, he entered in kind of a daze and sat on the couch. Curling up, knees to his chest, Colin rocked gently and listened to his whirling thoughts.

Ryan was getting worried. No one had seen Colin, he hadn’t been to wardrobe to turn in his clothes and have his microphone removed, he wasn’t in the green room with the rest of the cast, he didn’t seem to be anywhere. Walking down the hall with the intention of checking their trailer, Ryan saw Nick. “Hey, have you seen Colin?” Ryan asked, trying to keep the worry out of his voice.

“Yeah, I just talked to him. We had a real good discussion.”

Something in Nick’s tone made Ryan stop short and look at him hard, but the big man gave him a charming smile and pointed in the direction of Colin’s trailer.

“I think he went that way.” Ryan thanked him and walked by, casting one puzzled glance back over his shoulder. There was something weird about that guy.

Ryan saw Colin as soon as he walked in, but couldn’t figure out what he was doing. Colin seemed to be staring at the wall, just sitting there in an odd, curled posture.

“Col? Hey, can we talk?” He didn’t respond at all, and Ryan felt the first tendrils of fear as he looked Colin over. His normally expressive brown eyes were blank and empty, open but unseeing. His whole body trembled, and he seemed to be whispering something. Ryan leaned in close, trying to hear it.

“Don’t make a sound…don’t make a sound…dontmakeasound, dontmakeasound…”

The chanting was getting faster, sounding frantic. Ryan’s eyes widened as he realized that something was very seriously wrong here.

“Colin? Colin! Come on, buddy, wake up, please! I’m right here, it’s all right, please look at me…Colin?”

Still getting no response, Ryan remembered how Colin had clung to him on stage earlier. Hoping to reach his friend, he sat down next to the trembling man and held him as tightly as he could. At first Colin didn’t seem to notice, but eventually the chanting tapered off and he looked a little more aware of what was happening. Finally, he looked up and spoke. “Ryan?”

“Yeah, its me, you’re all right now, just tell me what’s wrong and we can take care of it.” Ryan had to stop himself from babbling on; he was so relieved that Colin had come back from wherever he had been.

Colin didn’t look happy to be back. He jumped up, backing away from Ryan. “No! I can’t tell you, I can’t tell anyone, ever, just stop asking!”

Ryan stayed where he was. He wanted to hold Colin but kept his distance from the frightened man with an effort. The way he looked, trying to touch him might just send him off into another panic.

“Why can’t you tell me Colin? Whatever it is, I’ll be there for you.”

Colin shook his head, avoiding Ryan’s eyes. “You’ll hate me for what I’ve done. I couldn’t stand that. Please, just stop.” His voice was empty, defeated.

Ryan stood up and got close to Colin, lifting his chin to force eye contact. “Now you listen to me, Colin Andrew Mochrie. I could never hate you. Never. No matter what. Are you hearing me?”

Colin heard but he couldn’t believe it. He hated himself for what he was. Ryan would be no different. <If he knew what a whore I am, what I caused...he would never forgive me. I can’t stand losing him. But even more, I can’t stand the thought of Nick touching him. If I don’t tell him, what’s going to happen? Will that bastard really rape him? Of course he will, what the hell am I thinking? I have to warn Ryan; it’s my fault that he’s in danger. He’ll hate me for it, but I don’t have a choice. Nick isn’t going to get my best friend because of me! Never! I need him. I need his help; I can’t handle this alone. But what will I do when he never wants to see me again? I don’t know…I’m so confused…I wish I could just forget again, I wish this would all just go away.>

Ryan stepped back in shocked hurt when Colin shook his head. <He doesn’t trust me…after everything we’ve been through together, after all the years, he can’t tell me this one thing. I can’t believe it. Something terrible happened to him; that has to be it. The way he’s acting, so afraid and ashamed…what could be so bad that he couldn’t tell me? I’ve always told him everything, even about the times my dad beat me up, and I never told anyone that. How can he not trust me? Doesn’t he know how much I love him? I can’t believe he would ever doubt that. But he won’t tell me, even after I promised to be there for him. My best friend, the man I love, is in the worst trouble of his life and he’s pushing me away. It’s like everything we have is meaningless. All those years, all that we’ve shared, and it’s not enough. Why, Colin? Why can’t you trust me?>

Colin looked up and saw the hurt in Ryan’s eyes. The sight filled him with shame, knowing it was all his fault. Everything was his fault. <I’m hurting him. He’s so worried about me, he loves me, and I’m hurting him. I’m such a terrible person. I can’t do this; I have to tell him. He’s going to hate me, but I have to tell him. I can’t let Nick get him. It’s just too much to hold on to. I’m so scared... I feel like Nick is going to walk in that door any minute and take us both. But he’ll make me watch first, just like he said. No! I can’t let that happen. I won’t. I have to tell him.>

“Ryan? I…I want to tell you. Everything. But please, please…don’t hate me.”

Ryan couldn’t resist pulling him into a tight hug, and Colin returned the gesture, clinging desperately. They moved over to the couch, and sat down, Colin nearly in Ryan’s lap. He took a deep breath, stared at his hands, and began.

“It was all my fault. I was asking for it from the beginning. I just want you to understand that I got what I deserved.”

Ryan listened as Colin described events that had happened twenty years ago. Shock turned to disbelief, and then to anger as Colin painted a twisted picture of himself with words. To hear him tell it, he had begged that bastard to rape and torture him, asked for it, and deserved it. Ryan wasn’t sure who he was more furious with, Nick for doing it or Colin for believing it was his fault. No, check that, he knew who to be angry with. Colin’s trembling voice and hunched shoulders made anger with him impossible. He looked completely defeated as he finished the story and lapsed into silence, still staring at his hands.

Ryan was clenching his fists and taking deep breaths, trying to control his reaction. The thought of Colin going through all that and then keeping it bottled up inside for so long…<Please, don’t let it be true. It can’t be, not my Colin. He’s so sweet, so shy and good-natured, it’s just not possible. How could he not tell me? How could anyone keep a secret like that? He must be so much stronger than I gave him credit for. How did I ever get so lucky, to end up with a man like him? And now that bastard, that monster, wants to take him away. How dare he threaten Colin like that! Well, he’s never touching Col again, not if I have anything to say about it!>

Ryan swallowed hard and tried to keep the rage off his face. It wouldn’t do to have Colin think he was angry with him.

“Colin, look at me.” When his partner refused to meet his eyes, Ryan gently lifted his chin, then cupped Colin’s face with both hands. They shared a long moment just staring into each other’s eyes.

“I love you. Nothing has changed that, and nothing will. Are we clear on that?” Colin only stared at him in disbelief, so Ryan continued. “None of what happened was your fault. You did nothing wrong. What that bastard told you was a lie, he only said it to hurt you. You are an innocent victim here, Colin. Believe me. It… wasn’t… your… fault.” Ryan tried to pour all the emotion he could into his voice, emphasizing each word to make sure it got through. He wanted to bury Colin in love, to wipe that terrible look of shame and fear off his face.

“But I went home with him. I came on to him. I was asking for it, if I wasn’t such a slut, then maybe—“

“No!” Colin flinched away from the anger in Ryan’s voice, and he took a deep breath, trying to calm down. “No, Colin,” he said gently, “you weren’t asking for it. Did you walk up to him in the bar, or did he approach you?”

“Well…he came to me, but I must have signaled him somehow, for him to pick me out of everyone there.” Colin’s voice was reluctant, he’d held on to the illusion of guilt for half a lifetime and didn’t want to let it go.

“And whose idea was it to go back to his house?” Ryan tried to keep his voice patient, suppressing his rage at that raping bastard. He concentrated on slowly rubbing Colin’s back and smiling reassuringly.

“I guess it was his…but I went along! I wanted to prove something, to show everyone I could take care of myself. I got what I deserved.” Colin was still staring down, his jaw set stubbornly.

“He forced you, Colin. He tied you up and took you by force. There was nothing you could ever do to deserve that.” Ryan’s voice cracked a little; he was actually close to tears at the thought of Colin tied up and raped. The images it brought to mind made his stomach turn.

“But I let him! I did what he wanted, even without the ropes, I did everything he told me.” The shame in Colin’s voice made Ryan’s throat tighten, and he bit his lip, trying to stay calm. He felt a stinging pain in his hands and carefully relaxed his tightly clenched fists. Small red semicircles on his palms marked his fury at Nick.

“He forced you, and then he threatened you. You had no choice, you only did it to avoid even more pain. After all the torture and rape, of course you let him. It was the only way to get out of there alive.”

Colin shook his head, looking away. Ryan stubbornly turned his face back and made his friend look into his eyes. “I love you. Do you believe me? Look at me and you’ll know it’s true.”

Colin stared at him for a long time, his liquid brown eyes hopeless and afraid. He tried to look away, but Ryan held him still, communicating without words. Ryan’s face was full of love and worry, but Colin could see no anger in those green eyes. Finally, Colin allowed himself to hope. <Is it possible? He doesn’t hate me? No, he must, I’m so dirty now, no one would want to be with me. But the look in his eyes…could it be true?>

“Really? You…you don’t hate me?” Ryan’s hands curled into fists again when he heard the thin hope in Colin’s voice. He wanted to kill Nick for doing this to his best friend. Wanted to kill him right now. But Colin needed him; his friend was more important than revenge, no matter how satisfying it might be. Ryan forced his anger back for now and nodded at Colin, rubbing his back reassuringly. The smaller man buckled under the weight of his emotions and burst into tears. Ryan held him for a while, whispering his love to Colin over and over, telling him it wasn’t his fault. Finally Colin seemed to taper off, although he was still sniffling and taking deep shuddering breaths. Ryan cleaned him up a little and then got him into the car. It was time to go home.

Driving, Ryan looked over at his friend and lover, who had fallen into a light doze. He turned his attention back to the road, thinking dark thoughts.

When they got to the house, Ryan led Colin into the bathroom and they shared a long soak in the oversized tub. Colin cried some more, and he still didn’t seem to believe Ryan’s insistence that it wasn’t his fault. Between that and his terror that Nick was going to get him again, Colin was an emotional wreck. He seemed more frightened for Ryan than for himself. Ryan wasn’t sure if he should be touched by his friend’s worry, or concerned that Colin seemed to think his own safety was unimportant. Despite Ryan’s best efforts, Colin still thought he was worthless. But at least he was fully aware, not hiding in some kind of dream world. It was going to be a long road to recovery, but the first step had been taken.

Ryan lay down with Colin on the bed and stroked his back until he fell into an exhausted sleep. The taller man waited until he was sure Colin was completely out, then slipped out of bed and began pulling on his clothes.

The next morning, Ryan and Colin were curled together on the couch when the phone rang. Ryan got up and answered it.

“Really? When did that happen? I see…well can we…all right, that sounds good. Yeah, maybe the job is jinxed or something. I am sorry to hear it, of course, but these things happen. All right. Thanks for calling. Bye.”

“What was that?” Colin asked.

“Nick Fillman died last night. They said it was a massive heart attack.” Ryan’s face was unreadable.

“He…what? Nick is…dead?” Colin was filled with a sudden sense of relief and a surprising vindictive pleasure. It was hard to believe, after living in fear for so long. Colin felt like a huge weight had been lifted from his chest, and for the first time in years he could really breathe again. <I hope the heart attack hurt, you bastard. I hope you suffered.> Feeling ashamed of taking pleasure in the death of another person, he quickly schooled his features into an expression of regret. “Well, uh, that’s too bad. I guess…”

Ryan smiled at him and said, “No it’s not, if anyone deserved to die it was that psychotic little shit. You don’t have to worry about him anymore, Col. Never again.” Colin allowed his relief to show, and fell into Ryan’s arms. He cried again, for some reason he seemed to cry at every little thing lately. This time the tears were clean instead of bitter, leaving him feeling refreshed and at peace.

They stayed on the couch for a while, just being together, but eventually Ryan winced and stretched his back, grimacing in pain. Colin got up and went to get his back medicine for him, but was surprised to find the prescription bottle only contained a single pill. The bottle held fifty when it was full.

“Ry? Didn’t you just get this refilled last week?”

“Oh yeah, I was taking one yesterday morning and I accidentally knocked the bottle over. Most of them went down the drain. I guess we should get some more today.” Ryan’s voice was casual, his face expressionless. Colin looked down at the bottle in his hands, reading the label. He stopped suddenly and looked back at Ryan. His friend’s green eyes were direct and completely guilt-free. Colin swallowed and looked back down at the bottle, reading the warning label.

CAUTION: Never take more than twice daily. Overdose will cause cardiac arrest.

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