*****
I wasn't looking for a lifetime with you
I never thought it would hurt just to hear
"I do" and "I do"
And I do a number on myself
And all that I thought to be
And you'll be the one
That just left me undone
By my own, hesitation
And for the million hours that we were
Well I'll smile and remember it all
Then I'll turn and go
While your story's completed mine is a
long way from done.
Well I'm on a champagne high
Where will I be when I stop wondering why
On a champagne high, high
*****
Well, I must admit that this is a lovely ceremony. I was
surprised that you invited me
here, considering our history. You look amazing. You
always did, but today...it must
be the sparkle in your eye, the faint blush on your cheeks, the
happy smile you can't
stop wearing. Whatever it is, it's setting my heart to
racing again, just like it used to.
When I hear you tell the priest that you do want to have and hold
that woman forever,
it brings a lump to my throat. I wasn't expecting to get so
emotional--I thought I was
over this by now. It's been-what?-two years?
Something like that. I guess maybe I'm
just sad that you're saying it to her and not me.
I don't resent her; she's a remarkable woman, and she loves you
very much. Just as I
know you love her. I'm glad for that. You might not believe
it, but I'm happy for you.
You've found your peace, and you're ready to start building your
life. She's three
months pregnant now, isn't she? You'll be a good father.
You're a good man.
We knew, didn't we? You and I both knew it wouldn't
last. *We* wouldn't last. I
don't think either of us really wanted it to. Not at
first. It was just that we were closer
than close. Everyone knew it, and it was just a matter of
time before we pushed the
boundaries of friendship.
You knew I was gay, but how did you know that I wasn't going to
push you away
when you kissed me like that? It was so casual and it caught me
so completely off
guard. How could you know me so well? I fell into
your embrace that night, and
became your lover. There was no real love involved.
It was just casual: something to
make the long nights easier.
We agreed from the beginning that if either of us found someone
else, our relationship
would end there. Simple. Casual. No strings.
Funny thing is that neither of us seemed
to be in too big a hurry to go out and find anyone else.
Maybe we didn't love each
other, but we were comfortable together. We always were.
The first few months were a pleasant time. I think even you
would have to admit it.
We had fun behind closed doors. The sex was good, the
company was good, and it
was nice to be someone important in your life. Strangely enough,
it was also an intense,
passionate affair. I'm not sure if you noticed it, but I
sure did. Everything we did, we
did with gusto. Nothing halfway. Oh, I always knew
that it would end eventually, but
I was sure I could handle it. As the old cliché goes:
nothing lasts forever, but I didn't
worry about that.
When I first came to the realization that I no longer simply
wanted you, but that I
needed you, I denied it vehemently. I didn't want to need
you. But suddenly I did. I
didn't want to love you. But suddenly I did. And I
was completely helpless to stop
feeling that way. The denial didn't last long.
I spent a lot of nights awake in fear that it would be my last
night with you. Did you
know that? I watched you sleep. That was the only
time I ever felt it was safe to really
love you. I thought I'd found the one I'd been searching
for.
I tried hard not to let it show, and I'm pretty sure you never
knew how strong my
feelings got over the course of our relationship. There
were so many times that I
started to tell you how I felt. I never quite got there,
and I've often wondered what
would have happened if I had. Would you have told me you
loved me too? Would
you have turned away? Would you have shrugged it off?
Like you seem to have
shrugged me off?
God, why didn't I tell you?
*****
Spring turned to summer
But then winter turned mean
The distance seemed right
At the time it was best - to leave
And to leave behind
What I once thought was fine
And so real - to me
And while I'm still gone
On the quest for my song
I'm at your - celebration
And for the million hours that we were
Well I'll smile and remember it all
Then I'll turn and go
While your story's completed mine is a
long way from done.
Well I'm on a champagne high
Where will I be when I stop wondering why
On a champagne high
I'd toast to the future but that'd be a lie
On a champagne high, high
*****
I knew you loved her even before you did. I saw it when you
looked at her that first
night. We were out together, the three of us, and it just
kind of hit you between the
eyes. You looked at her the way I always wished you'd look
at me; the way I knew
you never would. That was why I broke things off when I
did. I wanted to save us
both the embarrassment.
While you and she grew close, you and I grew distant. I hardly
ever saw you outside
work. Silences grew awkward and painful. It became
easier to simply stay away.
No longer best friends. Barely even friends. You tried to
act like nothing had
happened, but even you couldn't pretend.
You still can't pretend, can you? That's why there's such a
gulf between us. God, if
we'd only known then that this would happen, maybe we never would
have gotten
involved in the first place. If we hadn't, we'd probably
still be friends and not the
strangers we are now.
It has hurt for a long time, but I've put it behind me.
Thought I did, anyway.
Apparently, I haven't completely. I've gotten into a few
relationships over the past
two years, but none of them really worked out. I just never
felt comfortable with any
of them. Too restless, I guess. But I'm not worried.
I'm sure I'll find someone, just as
you have.
This is a lovely reception. You're standing up with your
new bride, just smiling away.
You always did look good in a tux. I'm in the back,
watching, sipping on champagne,
not speaking to anyone. I'm still a little choked up, and I
think I'm probably going to
slip out the door before anyone notices. This is harder than I
thought it was going to be.
How in God's name did I think I could be over you? I loved
you so much...and you
never knew. You thought I was like you: able to enjoy
myself without getting too
attached. How the hell did you do it? How did you
make love to me every night, hold
me, and not feel anything?
This is too much. I set the glass of champagne down and get
to my feet. I start to
leave, but as I do, I glance at you and see you're looking at
me. I stop moving. You
mouth one word: wait. I start to shake my head, but am
helpless to resist the pleading
look in your eyes. Resigned, I return to my place, dreading
whatever it is you're going
to say. If you even want to talk to me.
I'm surprised, frankly, that you want me to stick around.
But I don't leave, and you
don't keep me waiting long. While the bride is dancing with
her father, you slip through
the crowd unobtrusively until you reach me. I stand and
look at you, unable to keep
from staring.
You look up at me and still don't smile. "You
came," you murmur.
"Yeah," is about all I can manage.
"You're looking good," you tell me.
I smile a little at this. "So are you.
Congratulations, by the way."
"Thanks," you say, a tad awkwardly. "Um,
thanks for coming. I wasn't sure if you
would. I'm glad you did."
"Wouldn't miss it," I answer easily. "I'm
really happy for you." I say this with
conviction; I mean it. "I think you're doing
great."
I think you know that I'm sincere. You smile broadly, and,
it might just be the light,
but I could almost swear I see tears in your eyes.
"Thanks," you say huskily. "That
means a lot." You pause and glance away for a
moment. "Ryan, I..." you falter just
a bit. "I'm glad you came. I...feel bad that I
haven't seen you in so long."
The lump has returned to my throat. "You've got a life
now," I shrug. "I've got one,
too, you know. I understand."
"Yeah, but-"
"Colin!" someone calls, interrupting you. You
turn away for a moment and nod to
the man who spoke to you.
When you look at me again, you seem sad. "I'm
sorry," you say quietly. "Look, I
didn't mean for things to end the way they did. We never
even really said good-bye."
"It was for the best," I reply. "I'm sorry,
too. But we knew it wasn't going to last."
I shrug, force a smile, and say, "We had fun, didn't
we?"
You pause before nodding. "Yeah, we did. I guess
that's all that matters." There is
another brief, awkward silence. "I've got to go,"
you finally say. "Are you going to
stay long?"
"No," I answer. "I've, um, got a few things
I need to do tonight."
You don't seem surprised. "Okay." Quite
suddenly, you step forward and embrace
me just as you always used to. My arms go around you with
only a little trepidation.
Can you feel me shaking?
Unable to help myself, I lean down a bit and give you a quick
kiss on the cheek. And
then, for reasons I will never understand, I whisper in your ear:
"I love you."
You pull back, but you don't turn away. Instead you look up
at me sadly and say, "I
know. I always knew." You lean forward and kiss
my cheek. As you move away,
you say very softly, "I couldn't wait forever."
And then you're gone.
*****
Your wagons been hitched to a star
Well now he'll be your thing that's new
Yeah what little I have you can borrow
'Cause I'm old and I'm blue...
And for the million hours that we were
Well I'll smile and remember it all
Then I'll turn and go
*****
I stay long enough to see you and your new wife dance slowly,
cheek-to-cheek, while
everyone watches with misty-eyed smiles. You and I have had
our day. It's time for
you and her to get on with your lives. I really am happy
for you.
The dance ends before I leave. Everyone raises their
glasses to you, but I don't. I
can't. Instead, I make my way out of the banquet hall,
pausing only long enough to
glance back at you. You're looking at me again, and this
time, you don't try to stop me.
You just smile and nod slightly, as if perhaps affirming that
someday, we'll get together
as friends. I think I'd like that.
I stuff my hands into my pockets and slowly make my way home.
*****
Well I'm on a champagne high (so high)
Where will I be when I stop wondering why
On a champagne high (so high)
Toast to the future but that'd be a lie
On a champagne high
Where will I be when I stop wondering why
On a champagne high... high...
So high so high you left me undone
so high, so high you left me undone....
*****
[THE END]