Standing on the Outside

by xfphile

It’s not fair. It’s absolutely, totally, completely unfair. He’ll start something with everybody---*anybody*---else. Hugs, kisses, groping---you name it, he’s done it. Male, female, friend, co-worker, he’s done ‘em all.

Except me.

I’m the one who has to stand on the outside and look in, watching with longing as he shares himself freely with anyone who looks like they might ask.

Except me.

If I want to do something, I have to start it. Once I do, he immediately falls in and goes with it, but the knowledge that *I* have to start it eats away at me. That’s what I get for falling in love with my best friend, I suppose. I haven’t said anything to him and I don’t plan on it; as you’ve just seen, I really haven’t had what you’d call encouragement and I see no reason to throw a line out and see what bites. With my luck, it’d be a piranha.

Oh, man, I’m sorry. You don’t have the slightest clue what I’m talking about, do you? Well, join the club. We meet once a year at the Coliseum and look lost for three days. Anyway, welcome to my mind. It’s quite an interesting place, you know---all jumbled thoughts, odd emotions, and if you look to your left, you’ll see a six-foot white rabbit. His name is Bob---no, your *other* left!! The rabbit you were eyeing isn’t one you need to see. Fluffy will give you some interesting dreams, let me tell you.

Actually, I’ll have to tell you later; don’t forget to remind me. Well, now that you know where you are, allow me to introduce myself. I’m Ryan Stiles, the tall guy with weird shoes. It’s a pleasure to meet you. So, you’re wondering what in the hell I was just ruminating over? It’s quite simple, actually. I’m in love with my best friend and he has no clue.

How did it happen, you ask? I don’t really know. All I can tell you is that it started one day on the set of ‘Whose Line Is It Anyway?’, the American version. We were doing a game called ‘Weird Newscasters’ (‘we’ being myself, Greg Proops, Wayne Brady, and, of course, Colin Mochrie). Colin’s ‘identity’ was actually pretty simple: he could no longer hide his love for Greg. When I heard Drew read it off, something squeezed my heart, but it didn’t last long and I didn’t think much about it. At least, I didn’t until Colin leaned over and kissed Greg square on the lips and---I’m sorry? Oh, you want to see it? Uhh . . . give me a minute.

There.

~~~~~~

Ryan Stiles stood behind and to the left of Colin Mochrie, watching as he and Greg Proops got settled into their positions as ‘anchor’ and ‘co-anchor.’ As they did, Drew Carey read off the quirk for Colin. When Ryan heard what it was, something in his chest tightened and he looked away, although he didn’t know why. As he wondered about his odd reaction, Drew filled Wayne in and then turned his attention to Ryan.

“Ryan, you’re Greg’s angry neighbor.”

Ryan nodded; since this one was a no-brainer (and, for once, didn’t involve any physical activity), he turned his attention to Greg and Colin. It wasn’t often that he got to watch the others perform; thus, he always took the chance when it was offered. A slight smile crossed his lips as he listened to Greg; he wasn’t quite as good as Colin at coming up with interesting names and odd stories, but it was still fun to listen to.

Then he handed to news over to Colin.

As Ryan watched, Colin gave a humorous performance of a man in love; it was funny and Ryan smiled again. Then he got up and Ryan found his world rocked to the core. Jealousy knifed through him as he watched Colin plant a kiss on Greg that would’ve made a porno star proud. It didn’t last long before Colin moved his mouth to Greg’s cheek, but the sight left Ryan with a bad taste in his mouth and pain in his heart. Shocked beyond belief, he completely missed Wayne’s impression of James Brown.

What’s happening to me? he wondered, looking at Colin. No answers came to him and he had no further time to ponder because Wayne finished his quirk and Greg and Colin bantered a little before Greg tossed the show to him. To his own growing disbelief, Ryan found that it was far too easy to show anger towards Greg. In fact, he had to fight to keep his real feelings out of his voice. As if that weren’t bad enough, his emotions suddenly took over and he heard himself tell Colin that he could do better than Greg. Horrified, Ryan forced himself back under control and quickly ended his set, breathing hard and watching Colin.

He was still in shock, but it was slowly being tempered by a dazed revelation. Was he actually starting to fall fo---what the hell?!? Even as he watched, Greg ended the news, got off his stool, and came into Colin’s arms, kissing him again. Ryan took an involuntary step towards them, but stopped when Greg straightened. He was angry again, but this time, it was at himself. Disgust, shock, and disbelief were also very prominent in his mind, yet Ryan knew he had little choice but to get over whatever the hell was wrong with him---or, at the very least, ignore it for the next few hours. Colin suddenly slapped him on the shoulder and Ryan turned to look at him, wondering why the friendly touch made his skin tingle.

It was going to be a loooooong day.

~~~~~~~~

So, there you have it. That’s when it started. Well, no, that’s not true. From what I can figure, this has been building for about seven years; that day on the set was just the first time I actually realized that something was going on. It took three games before I got back to a semblance of normal. I still can’t believe that Colin didn’t pick up on it; normally, he reads me the way most people read “The Times.” That’s a good thing, though. Don’t shake your head---I’m telling you that it’s a good thing. *I* didn’t even know what was going on at the time; can you imagine what would have happened if I’d tried to explain it to Colin?

You can’t, huh? Well, I can. It would’ve been a bad, bad thing. I mean, I was so rattled by the experience that I didn’t go out for drinks with the guys that night. Luckily, it’s not all that unusual for me to just head straight home after a taping, so no one thought anything about it. After I got home, I flopped down on my bed and didn’t move for almost four hours.

Yeah, I had that much stuff to work through. What conclusion did I come to, you ask? Not one. I figured that it had just been a really long week, coupled with the fact that my wife was in Washington and I hadn’t seen much of Colin outside of work. I thought it was just an overreaction to the loneliness I was feeling.

Yeah, I know you don’t agree. Now that I know, neither do I. But even if I had known, what would I have done? I can hear the conversation now: “Hey, Col, guess what? I’ve fallen in love with you. Would you like to come over for dinner tonight?”

Everything would have been okay, I think, if what you just saw had been the only time something odd happened.

It wasn’t.

Over the next several months, I found myself becoming more and more jealous as I watched Colin flirt and joke and---well, truthfully, just be Colin. I managed to ignore it the first few times it happened, but I eventually gave in to the inevitable and admitted that I felt something more than friendship for Colin. It took me a while to come to terms with what that meant: for me, for Colin, and for ‘us.’ The implications were frightening and more than once I considered changing my name to Guido and moving to Italy to become a mob hit man.

Oh, you think that’s funny, huh? Well . . . that’s understandable, I suppose. You wouldn’t be able to stay in my mind if you weren’t sick and twisted. And, in hindsight, I guess it is somewhat amusing. Well, if you think so, it’s nothing compared to what happened next.

~~~~~~~~~

It happened during one of the live tapings of “The Drew Carey Show.” Ryan was standing with Christa Miller, debating on whether or not she should tell Drew that her character, Kate O’Brien, was in love with him. Colin was guest-starring in this episode and Ryan had been distracted all day. It was aggravating to be so easily sidetracked, but at least he knew the reason why.

That knowledge was the only thing that kept him from killing Drew.

As he watched in stunned disbelief, Colin grabbed Drew by the shoulders, pulled him in, and kissed him in a way that made Ryan ache with longing. There was no tongue, no passion, not even any real chemistry in their kiss. Thus, there was no good reason for Ryan to feel the icy stab of jealousy that spiked through him as he watched.

Not, mind, that reason had a lot to do with what was going on in his head. Oddly enough, it wasn’t Colin he got angry at, although logic said that he should. No, it was Drew. Ryan simply couldn’t comprehend why he didn’t pull away immediately. Then, when they separated, Colin’s eyes were sparkling and Ryan immediately came to the conclusion that Drew had done something. He felt his temper begin to rise and knew that he had to distract himself.

Christa, blithely unaware of what was going through his mind, simply kept going. It forced Ryan to get his mind back on track and he managed to make it through the rest of the taping. The only bad thing about it was holding that brief conversation with Colin. It wasn’t anything specific, but Ryan had all he could do to keep from grabbing Colin’s shoulders and asking, “Why? Why them and not me?”

The depth of his feelings struck him hard and he headed for his dressing room as soon as the director called, “Cut!!” He was almost there when he ran into Drew.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

I’m not proud of what I did. I swear to you, though, that I truly did not mean to do it. All I can say is that at least I didn’t hurt him.

Oh, sorry. I got ahead of myself again. Bear with me; it’s still hard to think about. I really don’t know what came over me. I mean, he stepped in front of me and I ran into him. Happens every day, right? We---

What is it with you and wanting to watch? It’s a good thing you weren’t here during my last visit with my wife. Yeesh.

All right, all right. Give me a minute, will ya? This one’s not as ea---there we go. You got any popcorn?

~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Ryan!”

“Shit, Drew, I’m sorry!” Ryan gasped, holding his friend by the arm to help keep him steady.

“Hey, it’s okay,” Drew grinned. “So, what’d you think of today’s taping? Man, when Colin does something, there ain’t no holds barred!”

Drew’s innocent words sent fury racing through Ryan’s veins. A red haze flooded his vision and for a just a moment, he hated Drew.

Hated him for having something that Ryan never would.

It was over in an instant and Ryan blinked to clear his eyes. Drew was looking back at him, surprise and fear warring for dominance on his face. Puzzled, Ryan looked down and saw his own hands, the knuckles white with tension, pinning Drew’s wrists to the wall and his leg wrapped around one of Drew’s, effectively rendering him immobile.

“God . . .” he choked out as he released his friend and stumbled back. Drew was completely forgotten as Ryan attempted to process what had just happened to him.

“Ryan?”

Drew’s soft question brought Ryan out of his stupor and he turned to face his friend, guilt flooding through him.

“I’m sorry, Drew,” he whispered.

“Man, are you okay? You’ve been acting weird all day. Is something wrong at home?”

Ryan seized the opening Drew had just given him and ran with it, silently blessing the ex-Marine.

“Yeah. Pat was supposed to come visit this weekend, but her sister got sick and she’s going there instead.”

“That sucks,” Drew said sympathetically.

Ryan snorted in agreement. “Tell me about it. Listen, Drew, I---”

“Don’t sweat it, man. I’d be ready to kill someone, too.”

They stood in silence for a few minutes before Drew’s expression brightened.

“Hey! Since you have the next two days off, why not call on one of my lady friends? Any of them would be more than happy to take care of you.”

The last was said with a suggestive leer and Ryan managed a weak smile before shaking his head.

“Thanks, buddy, but that’s okay. I’m just gonna head home and see what kind of trouble I can get into. See you Monday.”

And with that, Ryan quickly turned and went to his dressing room. Once safely inside, he sagged against the door and started to shake. This was getting out of control and he knew that something had to give---and soon.

~~~~~~~~~

I’m sorry you had to see that. I still can’t believe that . . . that I came so close to hurting Drew. I would never have known it, either. I’ve *never* lost it like that before and . . . well, actually, I have. It was about Colin (raise your hand if you’re surprised) and it happened about four years after we met. I won’t give you the gory details---I don’t care if you want to see it! The only things I really remember are being three seconds from snapping the bastard’s neck and Colin talking me down.

I’m sorry. I need to . . . go play with Bob for a little while, would you? I need to quit thinking about this. Thanks. It won’t be long, hopefully, and I’ll call you when I’m ready.

Oh, and try to avoid Fluffy. You know what happens when two rabbits get together.

~~~~~~~~~~

So, are you enjoying yourself? Oh, hi, Bob. Listen, I’m sorry about that. You knew I had a temper, but I didn’t want you to see . . . what you saw. Yeah, I know it happened a while ago, but it still hurts. I mean, Drew’s one of my closest friends and---yeah, you’re right. You’re also far too curious for your own good. Well, guess what? We’ve arrived at the present. Anything that happens now, we’ll go through it together. Ha, ha.

Oh, here comes Drew. It’s time to start taping again. Uh . . . one quick question: do you want to watch this in black-and-white or in color? Make sure it’s what you want, too, ‘cause once we get started, I’m not going to be able to change it.

Aaaaand we wait---oh, you want color? All right. Put your seatbelt on and keep your hands and arms inside the vehicle. We’re outta here!!!

~~~~~~~~~~

“All right, guys---and girls,” Drew adds as an afterthought to Kathy Greenwood, who’s glaring at him with mock anger. “Let’s get this show on the road.”

Obediently, we all get up. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Colin walking toward me and internally flinch. My emotions are still raw and very close to the surface and I’m scared that he’ll pick up on that. He doesn’t know about what happened with Drew that day and I’d like to keep it that way.

“Ryan?”

It’s time to see how well I can really act. Wish me luck.

“Yeah?”

He pauses, looking deeply into my eyes and frowning slightly. I stare back at him, desperately trying to keep everything I’m feeling locked down so he won’t see it. He finally shakes his head and replies, “Nothing. Hey, I’ll talk to you after we get done, all right?”

It’s all I can do to keep from heaving a sigh of relief.

“Sure,” I say to him, smiling slightly.

“Let’s go, then!” he urges, lightly pulling on my arm.

I swallow and obey.

~~~~~~~~~

So far, everything’s been going fine. Colin and I have gotten into one of our . . . we’re reading each other’s minds again, and we are kicking some major ass! And you, you lucky dog, get to see it up close and personal. Something to tell your friends about, huh?

“We’re going to play a game called ‘Let’s Make a Date.’ This is for all four of you.”

Oh, good. We’re almost done. Tiring, isn’t it?

I settle myself on the stool and look at my quirk: ‘Curious cat on his eighth life.’

I shake my head and wonder what Dan is on when he comes up with these. Everything’s going great, we have one game left after this one, and I’ve finally settled down.

What in the world is Colin doing?

As I watch, he gets up and makes his way to Kathy. My forehead wrinkles in confusion as I try to figure out what’s going---NO!!! He’s not doing it again?!?

Yet he is. Even as I stare in stunned disbelief, Colin is kissing Kathy and obviously enjoying it. Pain shoots through my heart as I gape at them. I can’t believe this is happening to me. Of all the people I could have fallen for, why did it have to be him? Dammit, why did it have to be him?

Vaguely, I hear the sounds of the cheering audience and Drew’s usual suggestive comments. The man really needs to get a girlfriend or a dog or . . . something. Every time one of us does something to someone else, Drew gets all excited about it and won’t leave it alone for about two games.

Colin settles back down next to me and I risk a glance at him. His eyes are sparkling and a wide smile is on his face. The sight sends another stab of jealousy through me and I look away, trying to get myself under control. I can feel him eyeing me, wondering what’s going on, but I pretend that I don’t notice him.

Surprisingly enough, he says nothing to me and since the last game is ‘Song Styles,’ I use the break to regain some control. It takes me most of the song to do it and I want nothing more than to go home by the time Wayne is done.

Brutal, isn’t it? People make unrequited love out to be so romantic, but in reality, it’s nothing more than pain and anger and jealousy. Remember that and try to save yourself from the heartache, if you can.

“Cut! And that’s a wrap, guys. Great show today!”

Tom Park’s voice breaks through my musings and with a sigh of relief, I get to my feet and head off the set. Colin is right behind me.

I stop in the Green Room for a minute and exchange some post-taping laughs with the others before quietly sneaking off to my dressing room. Taking a few minutes, I indulge myself in a good, long stretch before beginning to strip out of my taping clothes. I’ve just taken my shirt off when someone knocks on my door.

Even as I go to answer it, I know who it is. I send a quick prayer to heaven, asking for strength, before pulling the door open and meeting the deep brown eyes of my closest friend.

There’s no ‘moment’; he simply pushes past me and begins to pace the room. I absently shut the door and lean against it, watching him and wishing that things could be different.

“What’s wrong, Ryan?” he suddenly demands, his eyes meeting mine. “You were fine until we did ‘Let’s Make a Date,’ and then it was like you became a whole other person.”

I say nothing; it’s time to pay the piper and I have no money. Still, I make an attempt to diffuse the situation.

“Colin . . . ”

“No,” he interrupts me, his gaze intense. “Don’t tell me that nothing’s wrong, because I can see that there is.”

His voice softens and he moves closer to me, one hand held out in entreaty.

“Please, Ry. Let me help.”

The gentle affection in his eyes is too much and something in me snaps. Without having the slightest clue that I’m going to do it, I grab his shoulders and shake him twice before looking down.

“Ryan?”

This time his question is hesitant, fearful, and I look up.

“Why, Colin?” I whisper, gazing deeply into his eyes. “Why them and not me?”

It takes a couple of seconds, but my meaning finally sinks in and surprise floods Colin’s face.

“Ryan . . .”

I suddenly can’t bear to be near him and with a mumbled excuse that even I can’t understand, I grab a shirt and head for the door. I’m almost there when he shatters my world.

“If I ever started it with you, I wouldn’t be able to stop.”

~~~~~~~~~

Say what?!?!?

Did he just say what I think he just said? Hmm . . . judging by the fact that you’re gaping like a large-mouthed bass, I’d say he did. Okay. So, what to do about it?

“Come again?”

Oh, smooth, Stiles. Ask if he’s Canadian while you’re at it; maybe then you’ll get lucky and he’ll kill you.

“You heard me,” he tells me, his eyes smoldering. I swallow in response and start toward him. A slight smile flicks across his lips and he holds out his arms. Anticipation ripples through me and I smile, too. I’ve wanted this so badly and so long that the mere thought of what’s going to happen next is enough to send me to fantasyland (you’d better be eighteen, too!!).

A knock at the door stops me dead in my tracks and I swear viciously, turning on my heel and nailing the door with a glare that would have done justice to a nail gun.

“What?” I snap, holding onto my temper by the barest of threads.

“It’s Drew,” comes the faint reply. “Listen, I’m sorry to bother you, but I’m looking for Colin. Is he in there?”

With a sigh of annoyance, Colin steps past me and opens the door.

“What is it, Drew?”

For once, Drew doesn’t make any snide comments about finding Colin in my dressing room. His eyes are worried and a frown wrinkles his forehead, indicating that something is wrong.

“Your wife called,” he tells Colin, dropping his gaze and wringing his hands. “She said that you need to come to the hotel right away.”

For an instant, there is stillness. It is shattered when Colin turns and gives me a look full of regret before following Drew down the hall, softly questioning him as they go.

I watch him leave with frustration filling my body and an ache in my heart.

Now what?

~~~~~~~~~

Okay, this is for you, because you slept through it. I have to say, though, that you have a helluva lot of stamina; I honestly didn’t think you’d last much past the whole ‘Drew’ thing. Hey, can I get your num---NO!! No, no, no, no, no!

Dammit.

Anyway, here you go. This is going to cover everything from right after I left the studio to about ten minutes ago. I’ll warn you now, you’re going to have a small heart attack---I know I did.

Oh, and I’m sorry you missed it. It was so far beyond unbelievable that they haven’t invented a word for it yet. Come and get me when you can move again. ‘Bye.

~~~~~~~~~

After Colin left, I stood there for a few minutes, trying to ignore the ache in my heart. I felt so hurt, even though we hadn’t really said anything to each other. Colin’s statement about not being able to stop could have been nothing more than a simple “I want to screw your brains out, just once, and see what it’s like.” I’ve known those people; granted, Colin isn’t the type, but I didn’t have a lot else to go on at the time.

Finally, dizzy from talking myself in circles, I pulled on the shirt I still held and left. Thankfully, nobody was around and I got to my car without anyone seeing me. Climbing inside, I threw my wallet and a script from “The Drew Carey Show” into the passenger seat, started the car, and grabbed the steering wheel.

“Damn!”

That stupid wheel was HOT!!!

~~~~~~~~~

Hey, quit laughing over there!! It had been a really long day, remember?

~~~~~~~~~

I slowly sucked on my burned fingers, letting my smooth, wet tongue ease the pain. When I could finally bear to touch the wheel again, I wrapped my fingers tightly around it, matching the curve of my palm to the supple leather surrounding the wheel. With one light warning squeeze, I was off.

~~~~~~~~~

Good grief. If that little . . . incident . . . is doing that, maybe I shouldn’t let you watch what happens later. What do you think?

Okay, so that was a stupid question. Hey, a guy can hope, can’t he?

All right, all right!! Back to yesterday. Buckle up.

~~~~~~~~~

I’d gotten maybe a mile down the road when the radio started up with the commercials. Not in any kind of mood to listen to four car commercials in a row, I flipped the station and landed on something called R&B. I was about to keep going when they announced the name of the next song; the title intrigued me, so I kept it on---and damn near had a wreck three lines into it.

Without thinking twice, I went to the nearest music store, found out who the artist was, and bought the album. This was so perfect; I couldn’t believe how much it described my feelings for Colin. It was kind of frightening, actually.

Pushing that thought aside, I walked back to my car, popped the CD in, and started home. To my own surprise, I found that I liked the group and made a mental note to listen to the album later. Right then, I just wanted to hear that song again, so I jumped ahead and pulled back out into traffic.

~~~~~~~~~

By the time I got home, I’d memorized the thing; I was either going to have to play this for Colin, or sing it to him, since it so eloquently said what I was feeling. God, I wanted to talk to him! Face-to-face, on the phone . . . hell, at this point, I’d take telepathy. As if to mock me, the phone suddenly rang. With a sigh, I picked it up and tried to make my voice sound normal.

“Hello?”

There was a long pause and I was about to hang up when the caller spoke.

“Ryan?”

Imagine my lack of surprise when I realized it was Colin.

“What’s up?”

“Nothing, nothing.”

Again, there was a pause. I frowned slightly, sensing that something was wrong, and opened my mouth to say something (what, I don’t know).

“Can . . . can I come over?” he suddenly blurted out, desperation creeping into his voice.

“Of course,” I responded, startled. “Are you---”

He cut me off with a brusque, “I’ll be there in a few minutes,” and hung up. I stared at the phone, frowning slightly and wondering what was wrong. Colin hadn’t sounded upset; truth be told, he had sounded indifferent . . . and that scared me more than anything.

The last time Colin sounded indifferent was the day his father had died. For three days, he showed no emotion and used as few words as possible when speaking with anyone. It scared me to death, because I couldn’t get him to tell me anything. I knew something was terribly wrong, but I didn’t have the slightest clue as to what it was and no one else could offer any insight.

Then the day for the funeral arrived.

He went and talked with the mourners, acting for all the world like nothing was wrong; hell, he even talked to me! And then, that night, he vanished. For seven days, no one saw him, heard from him, or had any indication that he was alive. When he came back, he had this haunted, lost look in his eyes, but everything else got back to normal. The only catch was that nobody was allowed to ask him about that week---not me, not Deb, not Drew. Nobody. To this day, I still don’t know what happened to him.

And he had sounded the same way a few minutes ago.

Oh, dear God. What was I going to do?

A knock on the door shattered my reverie and I looked up, my eyes narrowing. He made fast time. Steeling myself, I took a deep breath and opened the door. The disheveled countenance of my best friend met my eyes and I inhaled sharply. He looked like hell and I instantly reached out, wrapping myself around him and enfolding him in a hug. The sobbing gasp he released against my shoulder told me that he’d desperately needed one and I stepped back, taking him with me.

Miracle of miracles, we made it to the living room without me having to let go of him. He said nothing, but curled one arm around my waist and huddled a little closer to me. I tightened my own arms and sank down on the couch, murmuring soft, nonsensical words and fighting the overwhelming worry that was permeating my mind.

For a short eternity, we stayed like that. Colin volunteered nothing and I didn’t ask. When he was ready to talk, he would. Until then, I would wait, offering what comfort I could and trying to keep from speculating.

In a surprisingly short amount of time, he pulled away from me and sat up, scrubbing his eyes with a fist and sniffling. I gently squeezed his knee, but said nothing. For several long minutes, we simply sat there. Colin finally broke the silence.

“Deb. . . Deb had something to tell me,” he said dully, his gaze fixed on the desert landscape hanging on the far wall.

I thought for a moment about what that could mean and came up with---

“She’s pregnant again?” I asked in surprise. Colin had once told me that Luke was the only child they could have.

“No,” he replied hoarsely, his hands tightening on the couch cushions. “No, she’s not pregnant again . . . at least, not that *I* know of.”

I took a moment to process that one; his voice had grown bitter as he spoke, which is extremely unusual for Colin, and my concern increased.

“I don’t understand,” I told him.

“She’s---do you remember that guy she was dating when you introduced us?” he asked, his eyes never moving from the hauntingly beautiful landscape on my wall.

I had to think about it for a minute, but it finally clicked and I blinked in surprise.

“Ken?” I said, startled. “What about him?”

“She’s leaving me and going back to him,” Colin stated so matter-of-factly that it took a few seconds for his words to sink in. Once they did . . .

“What?!?” I gasped, my jaw dropping. Deb had shown no indications that she was anything less than happy with Colin, and I’ve actually known her longer than I’ve known him. I’m the one she comes to when she needs male advice (okay, so it happens once a year. That counts.), and Pat is her female confidant. This is honestly the last thing I would ever have expected.

“She’s leaving me,” Colin repeated, his voice lifeless.

“Oh, Colin,” I murmured, my brain still struggling to come to terms with what I’ve just heard. No wonder he sounded so bad; Deb and Luke were his life. A bitter snort interrupted my thoughts and I looked up again.

“Oh, it gets better,” he snarled, his voice angry. I sent a quick prayer of gratitude to heaven when I heard it; if he was allowing himself to express his anger, that meant he was permitting himself to feel it---which meant that I didn’t have to worry about him disappearing for a week. Still . . .

“It gets better?” I repeated weakly, knowing that I didn’t want to hear what he was about to say.

“Oh, yeah,” he sneered. “It turns out that Luke isn’t mine, either.”

Stunned, I gaped at him. Luke wasn’t . . . but that would mean . . . but . . .

Alcoholic beverage, anyone?

~~~~~~~~~

Hey!

Yeah, you. Wake up and pay attention. I’m going to just tell you what happened after that; otherwise, we’ll be here until tomorrow.

I don’t care; there’s really nothing more to see. We spent the rest of the night in front of the couch. I held Colin, letting him cry and rant as the need overtook him (and lemme tell you, I was soooo glad it wasn’t me he was ranting at. Some of the stuff he came up with made *me* blush!).

He left about thirty minutes ago, right before you woke up. Yeah, I’m sorry you missed him, too. But, look on the bright side---you’ll definitely be seeing him soon. Last night, while I was holding him, I realized that I couldn’t wait much longer without telling him how I feel. I’m just afraid it’ll be too soon after what Deb did to him.

You don’t think so? Why?

Well . . . maybe, but I still don’t know how to take his ‘I won’t be able to stop.’ I want so badly for it to mean what it sounds like, but how often does that actually happen?

What’s that?

Oh, play the song for him and see what he says? That could work, I suppose. I just don’t want to lose him---I don’t think I can live without him anymore.

Well, with that in mind, I’m going to bed. I didn’t sleep at all last night and I’m about to collapse. I suggest that you go with Bob; he’ll be able to protect you from most of my dreams. See you tomorrow.

~~~~~~~~~

Good morning. How was your night?

No, don’t smile at me like that; it’s making me nervous and I don’t need any help. Whatever you saw, just keep it to yourself, okay? Coffee?

All right. We’re rested and we have caffeine in our blood again. So, let’s talk strategy.

~~~~~~~~~

Are you sure about this? It’s only been two days since he found out that Deb is leaving him. He’s vulnerable.

Yeah, you’ve said that it’ll make him more inclined to actually *listen* to what I’m telling him, but it still feels . . . I don’t know, sneaky.

No, I am NOT a coward! I’m just scared out of my mind.

Oh, God. Here he comes. Wish me luck and if this doesn’t work . . . I’ve heard that Iceland is a nice place. Just be sure to send me a postcard.

~~~~~~~~~

“Hey, Col,” I greet him, smiling.

“Hey, Ryan,” he responds softly, his mouth turning up slightly at the corners.

I begin to speak, but he cuts me off with a quiet, “Thanks for being there the other night. It really meant a lot to me.”

Surprised, I stare at him. What else would I have done? Ah, well. I take a deep breath in through my nose, steeling myself for what I’m about to say---

---and sneeze explosively.

He laughs, his eyes brightening. “Bless you,” he says, chuckling and wiping his mouth.

Dazed, I shake my head. “Ugh,” I mutter, trying not to laugh myself and noticing that the mood is much lighter than it was a minute ago. Quickly, before I can change my mind, I grab the bull by the horns.

“Hey, Col, would you like to come over for dinner tonight?” I ask him, proud that my voice stays even.

He glances up, his eyebrows raised, before shrugging slightly. “Sure. What time?”

“Uhh . . .” I really haven’t thought that far ahead and quickly scramble to come up with a good time. “Seven-thirty?”

He nods and says, “Sounds good. Anything I need to bring?”

I’m back under control and grinning. “Nope. Just your lovely self. Good luck with your shoot.”

“Thanks. So, I’ll see you tonight?”

“Yup.”

“All right.”

Then, without giving me the slightest clue that he's going to, Colin leans over and brushes his lips against mine.

And with that, he’s gone. I blow out a breath and slump against the wall, feeling drained. He said ‘yes.’ Okay, so it worked. I still have to get through tonight, remember? Just what do you propose I cook, since you seem to be quite the seducer?

Lasagna, huh? Yeah, I can see that. Italian is always good. Well, what are you waiting for? Let’s go!

~~~~~~~~~

At 7:29, he knocks on the door. I put the finishing touches on dinner and shoot one last anxious glance to the single, long-stemmed red rose lying on his plate before opening the door.

The sight that greets me causes me to suck in a deep breath: he’s dressed in a pair of black jeans, a royal blue silk shirt unbuttoned just enough to reveal a smattering of blond chest hair, and a dangerous smile.

The temperature between us instantly rises and I swallow hard, drinking in the sight and vaguely wondering whether or not I’ve turned off the oven. His voice brings my attention back to him.

“Are we having dinner out here?” he asks, amusement tingeing his words.

“Ah . . . ah, no. No, come in,” I stutter, feeling like an idiot.

“Relax, Ryan,” he tells me, dropping a hand on my shoulder. I jump as if I’ve been shocked and he squeezes gently before letting go and stepping past me.

“Lasagna?” he says approvingly as he nods. “How’d you know?”

Now that he’s not touching me, I’ve regained the powers of thought and speech. “Know what?”

He turns to look at me and I suck in another involuntary breath. Damn, he looks good!

“That I’ve been craving it for about a week,” he explains.

“Oh.” I shrug. “I dunno. It just sounded good.”

“Then let’s eat,” he says, his eyes warm.

I can’t think of a response, so I nod and usher him to the dining room, absently unbuttoning a couple of buttons on the long-sleeved green shirt I’m wearing. I’m not paying attention to anything else at the moment, so when he stops, I run smack-dab into him.

“Oof! What the hell---” My voice trails off mid-sentence as I see what Colin is looking at. I’d completely forgotten about the rose and my face reddens.

“Uh . . .” I can think of nothing to say, but he turns to face me and the tears in his eyes shock me.

“Ryan,” he whispers, his voice thick.

“Yes?” I answer huskily.

“I think we need to talk,” he tells me, his dark eyes boring into mine.

“Yeah,” I agree, my chest tightening with . . . fear? Anticipation? “Let me put the stuff up. Do you want anything to drink?”

For just a second, he looks like he’ll accept, but his face almost immediately closes back up. “No. Keep it handy, though,” he adds with a slight smirk. “I have a feeling we’re going to need it later.”

Keep it handy, he says. Right. So, the Merlot can go back in the fridge, along with the lasagna, the salad, and the bread. Once that’s taken care of, I grab a bottle of brandy and two glasses, setting them on the table and trying to calm my racing heart. This is it; there’s no going back after tonight.

I’d better not hear a word out of you until tomorrow, either. Wish me luck.

Oh, and thanks for all the help. I really appreciate it. Hasta luego.

~~~~~~~~~

He’s waiting for me in the living room, lounging on the couch. The sight gets my pulse racing again and I pause, trying to get my thoughts back on track. It isn’t working and I finally heave an internal sigh, pulling up a mental image of Drew in the shower (don’t ask. You really don’t want to know.). That does the trick and I continue into the room, settling myself in the recliner across from the couch.

For a long while, we just sit there and look at each other. Colin finally breaks the silence.

“So, how about the Dodgers?” he asks me. Startled, I gape at him for a second before bursting into laughter.

“Better than the Cubs,” I retort, still grinning and infinitely more relaxed.

“So says you,” he snorts, waving a hand in the air and absently licking his lips.

“So says me,” I agree quietly, my eyes focused on his mouth. He coughs softly and glances away. It takes most of my willpower, but I manage to keep my mouth shut. This isn’t easy for either of us. When he finally looks back, his eyes are bright with emotion and hope wells up in my heart.

“Ryan . . . about the other day. You know, in your dressing room---”

My heart stops. Oh, no. He’s going to say that it was just a joke, that he didn’t mean it---

“I meant every word of it and I’m sorry that I took off like that. You deserved to hear everything.”

Wait a minute. Did he just say---

“You meant it?”

Surprised, he looks at me. “Well, of course I meant it. Did you really think I’d mess with you about something like that?”

What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him, right?

“Wow,” I answer instead, grinning like an idiot. “So, now what?”

“Well, I think we should get everything out in the open.”

That should be easy, since there’s not much here on my part. Ah, yes, the song. That should take care of most of it for me.

“I have a song I want you to listen to,” I inform him as I rise and go to the stereo on the table. He fixes me with a look of curiosity and waits. I’ve been planning this moment since yesterday, so in no time at all, I’m ready to hit ‘Play.’ One last bout of nerves assails me, but I fight them off with a threat of Michael Bolton later if they don’t leave me the hell alone. It works and I start the song, turning away from Colin as I do so.

~~~~~~~~~~
 
I know when he's been on your mind
That distant look is in your eyes
I thought with time you'd realize it's over, over
It's not the way I choose to live
And something somewhere's got to give
A share in this relationship gets older, older
 
You know I'd fight for you, 
But how could I fight
Someone who isn't even there?
I've had the rest of you, 
now I want the best of you. 
I don't care if that's not fair
 
‘Cause I want it all or nothing at all
There's nowhere left to fall
When you reach the bottom 
It's now or never
 
Is it all, or are we just friends?
Is this how it ends?
With a simple telephone call

You leave me here with nothing at all.

~~~~~~~~~

A pair of strong arms wrap around my waist and he rests his cheek against my shoulder. I feel his sigh through the cotton of my shirt and bring my hands up to rest on his. Colin gently begins to sway in time to the music and I follow his lead, humming softly.

~~~~~~~~~

 
There are times it seems to me
I'm sharing you with memories
I feel it in my heart but I don't show it, show it
Then there's times you look at me
As though I'm all that you could see
Those times I don't believe it's right.
I know it, know it
 
Don't make me promises, baby,
You never did know how to keep them well.
I’ve had the rest of you, 
Now I want the best of you.
It's time to show and tell
 
‘Cause I want it all
Or nothing at all
There's nowhere left to fall
When you reach the bottom 
It's now or never
 
Is it all
Or are we just friends?
Is this how it ends?
With a simple telephone call

You leave me here with nothing at all

~~~~~~~~~

We continue to dance, but this time, Colin begins to hum along softly. It isn’t until the chorus comes around again that he starts to sing.

“‘Cause I’ll give you all

Or nothing at all.

There’s nowhere left to climb

When you reach the top

It’s now or never.

Take it all

And be more than friends

Does this begin

With a single red rose

Or do we leave with nothing at all?’”

I don’t realize I’ve stopped moving until he gently turns me around. His eyes are dark and piercing, but his hands are gentle and surprisingly soothing. For another long moment, we simply stare at each other, letting Colin’s true meaning sink in for both of us.

I finally recover some semblance of thought and step to the abyss. This is it; I’m about to give my heart, fully and completely, to another person. Closing my eyes, I willingly step off the edge, trusting that Colin won’t let me fall.

“I love you, Colin.”

And he catches me; his arms shift from my waist to behind my neck and he presses himself against me, burying his face against my throat and shaking with silent tears. I wrap my own arms around him, whispering, “I love you,” over and over, relishing in finally being able to say it out loud.

When he pulls back, his eyes are shining with joy and the most beautiful smile is on his face. He cups my face with his hands and says, “I love you, too.”

And then, before I have time to do anything, he raises himself up on tiptoe and kisses me. It’s sweet and gentle, a lover’s kiss, and I fight back my own tears as I return it. I’ve wanted this for so long and now that it’s finally happening, my senses are overwhelmed. I just want to wrap myself around him and never let go. Finally, he reluctantly pulls back.

“So, what do we do now?” he wonders, his hands roaming across my chest and shoulders.

I think about it for a minute. The smart thing to do would probably be for Colin to leave. We’ve only just confessed our feelings; acting on them tonight might be too soon. My body forcefully protests that last thought and I look down in surprise. A quiet chuckle interrupts my musings and I raise my head, meeting Colin’s sparkling eyes.

“Why do I have the feeling that you’re thinking the same thing I am?” he asks, grinning.

“’Cause you’re a good guesser,” I grumble, embarrassed.

A gentle hand runs across my jaw and I sigh softly, leaning into the soft touch and smiling. His finger teasingly whispers across my lips and I catch it lightly between my teeth, not thinking about what I’m doing. A quiet moan of encouragement is my answer and I lightly flick my tongue across the tip in response. Another low moan comes to my ears and I pull his finger all the way in, letting my tongue slide over it as I do.

Colin puts up with the sensual torture as long as he can before pulling his finger, now wet and glistening, from my mouth. His lips immediately replace it, and this time, there is nothing hesitant or gentle about his kiss. When he lightly laps at my lips, I don’t hesitate; I simply part them and let my tongue greet his in a joyous first meeting.

When he finally pulls back, I whimper softly in disappointment. He smiles in response and whispers, “I should go.”

Wide-eyed, I stare at him. Go? But---

“But I can’t,” he finishes, his smile fading and his eyes darkening with desire.

Without another word, I lean down and kiss him again, letting my long-buried feelings come to the surface. This time, when we part, I don’t give either of us a chance to speak; I simply grab his hand and lead him to my bedroom. Lightly, I rub his palm with my thumb; his own hand caresses my hip in response and I turn to look at him. The passion burning in his eyes makes my breath catch in my throat.

I stop by the bed and turn to face him, letting my gaze wander over his body before meeting his eyes again. They’re smoldering with a combination of love, desire, and raw passion that I’ve never seen before and I know that he’s seeing the same emotions shining from my eyes. He smiles softly and brings my hands to his chest, urging me to finish what I’ve started. My fingers shaking, I begin to unbutton his shirt, caressing his chest as I expose it. Once it is fully unbuttoned, I push it open and let my hands rest on his warm, soft skin.

“Hmm,” he hums, his eyes falling closed and his head dropping back. I chuckle quietly and let my fingers dance across the muscles of his chest, lightly playing with his chest hair and teasing his nipples. Colin brings his left hand down over mine, encouraging me to increase the pressure. I laugh again and gently nudge his hand away before reaching up and pushing the rich silk off his shoulders. It lands in an indifferent puddle on the floor as I lean forward and inhale deeply, letting his scent permeate my senses.

My hands begin to wander again, learning every curve and every line. As hard as it is to do, though, I keep my mouth to myself; I want to make this last, after all. My fingers brush against his nipples again and Colin gasps, his hands landing on my biceps and squeezing tightly. I smile and pull my hands away, eliciting a disappointed groan, and begin to unbutton my own shirt, anxious to feel his skin next to mine.

Colin’s eyes widen in surprise when he sees what I’m doing, but he makes no move to stop me. As I slide my shirt off, I understand why. He waits until it’s halfway down my arms and then comes in for the kill, his mouth finding mine as his palms cover my own highly sensitive nipples.

“Oh,” I groan, pulling away from his demanding kiss and fighting to keep control. Smiling wickedly, Colin lightly squeezes and my knees buckle. He gently pushes me onto the bed, bracing his hands on my chest and straddling my legs. Since my shirt is still on, I can’t do anything but lie there, looking helplessly at my lover. He quirks his eyebrows at me and moves back, dropping to his knees. I’m just about to panic when I feel my right shoe come off. It is closely followed by the left, and then my socks. After that, there’s a short pause while he presumably does the same to his own footwear.

Suddenly, his eyes are boring into mine and his weight is settled against my lower abdomen, sending frissons of pleasure through my body. Without meaning to do so, I press up against him in a vain effort to ease the pressure. It throws Colin off-balance and I instantly react, flipping us both over and settling myself firmly atop him. Taking a few seconds, I pull my shirt off, throwing it carelessly to one side and flexing my shoulders in relief at the freedom.

“Are you just going to sit there, or are you going to do something?” he rumbles, his eyes dancing with amusement.

“Oh, I thought I’d sit here and do a little sight-seeing,” I retort.

“Just don’t forget to check out the eighth wonder of the world,” he instructs me, mischief replacing the amusement in his gaze.

I am completely and totally unable to come up with a decent comeback, so I simply lean over and catch one of his nipples in my mouth. A strangled “No fair!” comes to my ears and I smile in triumph. After a minute or so, I shift down slightly and bring a hand up to play with the other one, enjoying Colin’s soft sounds of pleasure. His right hand skims up my back, burying itself in my hair and pressing me closer. I smile again and run my tongue across the nipple in my mouth one more time before switching.

After only a short amount of time, Colin can’t take any more and insistently pulls me up. I cock my head and raise an eyebrow at him.

“You rang?”

“Yeah,” he pants, his chest heaving. “Give me a minute, though.”

I nod in understanding and sit up, absently tracing small circles on his lower belly. He sucks in a breath at the light contact and beseeches me with his eyes to stop. Chuckling, I obey.

“Okay,” he breathes out, swallowing. “Too many clothes.”

Hey, he’ll get no argument here. “I hear and obey, Sahib,” I say as I hit the floor. My hands go to my belt buckle, but he stops me.

“No. I want to,” he whispers, his eyes on mine. There is something in that deep gaze that touches my soul and I nod silently, taking a step forward and letting my hands fall to my sides.

With agonizing slowness, he unbuckles my belt and opens my trousers, blowing soft, warm breath over the fine hairs on my stomach.

”God, Col, you’re killing me,” I groan, my head falling back.

“So I’m doing it right,” he responds. “Feels good, doesn’t it?”

“Oh, hell, yeah,” I agree, clenching my fists and swallowing. He must have heard something in my voice, because all of a sudden, the gentle teasing is over. My pants hit the floor with a soft ‘jingle’; my briefs follow closely and then he takes me in a firm grip.

“Oooh!” I gasp in pleased surprise, looking down. Colin is kneeling on the bed, his eyes riveted on the rigid length in his hand.

“You like that?” he asks, looking up.

“Well, you get three guesses and the first two don’t count,” I respond with a gasp as he squeezes.

“Oh. Well, how about this, then?”

And before I have a chance to blink, he engulfs me in the wet heat of his mouth.

“Oh! Yeah . . .” I whimper, locking my knees in an attempt to stay on my feet. It works---barely---and I grab his shoulders, holding on for dear life. Dear God, where did he learn to do tha---

“Oh, my God . . .”

It’s all I can say and I’m vaguely impressed to get that much out. I didn’t know a person could just . . . get rid . . . of their tongue. Heat suddenly rushes through me, warning me of my imminent orgasm. For a moment, I’m torn, but in the end, I reluctantly push him away. Surprised, he looks up, his lips glistening . . . and not just from saliva.

The sight sends another wave of heat through me and I look away, fighting to regain some measure of control.

“What’s wrong?” he asks, all teasing gone from his voice.

“Nothing,” I wheeze out, still trying to calm my breathing. “I just . . . want this to last, you know?”

“Ah,” he says knowingly and I look down, seeing a smug grin spread across his face and satisfaction gleaming in his eyes.

“So it’s your turn,” I inform him as I grab his hands and pull him to his feet. He has no chance to resist as I latch on to a nipple and grab his belt at the same moment. For a split second, his attention is divided and in that moment, he is lost. His jeans slip past his hips as I fall to my knees and I immediately bring my mouth down, nuzzling the rigid length waiting for me beneath his blue underwear.

A half-suppressed groan reaches my ears; not enough, huh? Your wish is my command.

And with that, I pull his briefs down just enough to reveal his straining erection to my hungry eyes. He is beautiful and I take a moment to simply admire him and wonder in his desire for me. With a delighted smile, I run my fingers up and down him, learning every ridge and contour as if I am blind and he is a Braille tablet. Soft words of encouragement come to my ears and my smile widens. With one last, loving caress, I lean forward and eagerly pull him into my mouth.

Sweet Lord, you can take me now. I had no idea that it would be this sweet, this perfect. With a sigh of contentment, I begin to suckle, loving the feel of him cradled securely in my mouth.

“Oh, yeah . . . Ryan!”

My head jerks slightly in response to his cry of my name and I hastily repeat the tongue movement I just did. My name echoes around the room again and satisfaction rushes through me. Reluctantly, I ease back and let Colin slip free as my eyes wander up his body. My hands roam the other way and snag on his briefs, which are still hanging on his thighs. I gently ease them down Colin’s long legs, lifting each foot and pulling them off.

Tossing the last piece of his clothing aside, I sit back on my heels and drink in the sight before me. Colin is flushed and quivering, his breath is coming in short, rapid gasps, and his dark, half-closed eyes are burning with desire.

Smoothly getting to my feet, I take a step closer to him and claim his mouth in a deep, passionate kiss. I swallow Colin’s moan as my tongue makes itself at home in his mouth while my hands fall to his chest and begin rubbing slow, tantalizing circles around his sensitive nipples. He groans deeply in response, his hands gripping my hips tightly. As my fingers tease the stiff peaks, he breaks the kiss and throws his head back, his throat working convulsively.

“Don’t stop,” he rasps, focusing on me. “For the love of God, don’t stop!”

“I won’t,” I murmur. “But I think we should move this party to a more comfortable location.”

Before he can vote one way or another, I lightly push him onto the bed and am about to follow when I remember something important and step back, my eyes never leaving him.

“Where are you going?” he asks, a hint of worry creeping into his voice.

“Forgot something,” I reply. “I’ll be right back.”

Quickly, I duck into the bathroom and grab the long, slender bottle waiting for me in the cabinet. My body begins to tingle as I think about what this bottle is for. Oh, this is gonna be good. I smile at the image in the mirror and head back to the bedroom, feeling anticipation rush through my veins.

Colin hasn’t moved in the three minutes I’ve been gone, which surprises me. Then he sits up, leveling a passionate look at me, and I understand why. Playtime is over. It’s time to get serious.

Without a word, I climb onto the bed and into his waiting arms, greeted with tender caresses and soft, sensual kisses. Our passion flares again, but it’s tempered with knowledge this time; we both know what’s going to happen and there’s no need to fear rejection.

“I love you,” I whisper to him, wanting him to know that I haven’t forgotten what this is about.

“Love you, too,” he breathes, his hands restlessly wandering over my body. I can’t help but smile; it feels like he’s taking measurements.

“What, are you not sure it’s me?” I tease.

“No,” he answers quietly. “I’ve just . . . wanted this for so long that I---I’m having trouble believing it’s real.”

The sincerity in his voice strikes a chord deep within me and I pull him close, resting my forehead against his and gazing deeply into his eyes.

“I’m real,” I tell him, putting every ounce of conviction into my voice that I possess. “And I’m not going anywhere.”

He nods slightly and leans back, his lips parted and his eyes silently asking for a kiss. I could no more refuse him than I could tell my body not to breath and my mouth covers his softly, tenderly.

Slowly, passion overtakes us both and I break our embrace, smiling gently and stroking his cheek. “Are you ready for this?”

“Yes,” he whispers, closing his eyes and giving himself to me in complete and total surrender. My heart swells with love for this exasperating, wonderful, beautiful man and I lean down, brushing my lips against his once more before starting my journey down his body.

By the time I get down to where he is physically begging for my touch, Colin is a shivering, quivering mass of a human male. I smile and bend down, running my tongue up his length in one long, slow lick and earning a gasp of delight before moving even lower.

Lightly, my tongue traces a line from his testicles down to the entrance to his body and gently licks at the area around it.

“Ryan . . . what are yo---oooohhhhh . . .” he groans out, his entire body going limp. I smile again before bringing my attention back to what I was doing. Another long, slow lick gets him to relax even further and I hesitantly ease my tongue inside him, pleased that he seems to like what I’m doing. He groans again and I pull away, replacing my tongue with a finger and watching avidly for any sign of discomfort.

None are forthcoming and I’m soon able to add a second finger, placing butterfly kisses on every inch of skin I can reach to help relax him.

“Please,” he chokes out suddenly. “Please, don’t make me wait.”

“I won’t,” I assure him, lifting my head and meeting his eyes. “I promise.”

My hand never stops working, applying small points of pressure while my fingers massage and caress his tight, hot passage. With my free hand, I open the bottle of lube and manage to squeeze some onto my fingers. I quickly slick myself up, and then carefully pull my fingers out of Colin’s body. His cry of protest cuts off mid-word as I replace them with my tongue and soon turns into a cry of pleasure. I play for a little while before withdrawing and slipping two lubed fingers into him. He bucks and writhes at my touch, his body begging for more, but after only another minute, I pull away completely.

“Wha---?” he slurs as I move back up the bed. I chuckle softly and bend down to kiss him, eager to taste the rich, unique flavor of his mouth. His eyes have cleared a bit by the time I pull back, so when I softly say, “Sit up,” he obeys without hesitation. I smile and lay down, bending my knees and resting my feet flat on the bed. Confusion fills his eyes as he watches me, but when I take his hand and gently tug, pulling him over until he’s half-straddling me, it changes to a dawning understanding.

“This will hurt you less,” I explain. The smile that lights up his face is so incredible---he looks like I just . . . never mind. I think you get the idea.

“I love you,” he breathes as he takes me in his right hand, bracing the other against the bed.

“I know,” I reply with a smile. He smirks in response and begins to sink down. We both moan as I slip inside him; he pauses after only a couple of inches, though.

“Oh, yeah,” I tell him, fighting the urge to thrust up and sheathe myself completely within him. He needs time to adjust and . . . or maybe not.

In almost no time at all, he’s sitting on my hips and for one of the few times in my life, I feel complete. Fulfilled. Whole.

Then he starts moving and my entire universe is shattered.

It should be against the law to feel this good---I think it is in Alabama.

He suddenly leans back against my thighs, breathing deeply and trying to slow things down.

“Are you okay?” I ask, concerned. He *did* take me awfully quickly and I think for a moment that he’s hurt.

A goofy grin spreads across his face and he looks down, his eyes meeting mine. “I’m perfect,” he announces, laughing. It fades as he leans over, his mouth stopping an inch away from mine. “Perfect,” he repeats solemnly.

“So am I,” I reply, lifting my head up slightly and kissing him. In that instant, everything changes. For one brief moment, we share everything: every taste, every touch, and every feeling. When he finally pulls away, his eyes are crystal clear and hiding nothing from me. Confidently, he begins moving again, this time at a harder and faster pace and encouraging me to meet him. In response, I begin to thrust up, taking care to keep my movements limited. I will not hurt him, not for anything.

He feels my hesitation, but seems to understand and makes no attempt to force me. Reaching up, I wrap a hand around him and stroke him in time to his movements. He groans an inarticulate encouragement and puts one hand over mine, caressing the sensitive skin. My grip tightens in response and he hisses as I bring my other hand up as well, fondling his testicles and lightly playing with his inner thighs. His muscles tighten around me and I gasp at the delicious sensation, squeezing him almost roughly as my orgasm begins to build.

“Colin . . .” I whimper. It’s the only word left in my vocabulary and I hope it’s enough.

“I know,” he groans. “Come on. Come with me. Come wit---yes!!!”

His cry must have echoed in Frisco and the look of bliss on his face combines with the feel of him surrounding me to push me straight over the edge. Sight, sound, taste, touch--it is all drowned out by the massive explosion that starts in my center and works its way outward, encompassing my entire being in waves of pleasure and burning with a white-hot intensity that consumes us both until there is nothing left but ashes.

When he lifts himself off me, I hardly feel it, though a pang of disappointment at having to separate goes through my heart. He curls up beside me and I wrap my arms around him, holding him close.

“Oh, my God,” he whispers raggedly, his hands weakly gripping my arms.

“That was incredible,” I agree brokenly as I give up on trying to get my breathing under control.

“Love you.”

I don’t know who says it, but as we fall into an exhausted sleep, it occurs to me that it doesn’t matter. I love him and he loves me.

There is no greater truth.

~~~~~~~~~

Wha---? Oh, my God, that’s bright . . . ugh.

Oh, hi. So, how are you this lovely morning?

It’s a lovely afternoon?!?

Yeah, I guess we did. So, was your night as good as mine was? Oh, it’s okay. I know you watched; there’s nothing else you could have done. It’s not like I have a TV in here. Well? Was it as good for you as it was for us?

You know, on second thought, don’t answer that. So, uh, what do you want to do today?

Why did I know you were going to say that? Well, I hate to tell you, but I don’t we’re going to be doing anything that requires energy.

Hey, I’m sorry, but last night burned out my main supply, my reserves, and probably most of Clinton’s reserves, too.

Oh, he’s waking up. I’ll be right back, okay?

~~~~~~~~~

“Good afternoon.”

“Hmm?”

I smile at the half-asleep form of my lover (my lover!) and brush a hand across his forehead. “I said, ‘Good afternoon.’”

“After---what time is it?”

“Almost 2:30.”

A grunt is my only response and my smile widens. “Well, what can I say? We’re good.”

“That we are,” he agrees sleepily. I continue to stroke his forehead, noticing for the first time how soft his skin is.

“Feels good,” he mumbles, smiling softly.

We sit in a companionable silence for almost five minutes, enjoying our first morning (you know what I mean) together. Colin suddenly stirs, coming awake almost instantly.

“Hey,” he says. “You know that song you played last night?”

“Yeah,” I reply, curious.

“Well, I have one that I want you to listen to.”

My interest piqued, I nod slowly. “You do realize,” I point out, “that we’re going to have to get up and get dressed. I don’t have a stereo in here.”

“That’s okay,” he tells me, grinning. “I’ve been dying to try out that waterbed in the guest room ever since you bought it.”

It’s a good thing we have the next two days off.

~~~~~~~~~

Okay, I lied. Apparently, we have more energy than I thought. Can you force yourself to live with that?

Yes, I agree that it was a stupid question, but I had to ask. It’ll probably be sometime tonight before I’ll be able to talk to you again; remember, Bob is great company if you get lonely.

And get your mind out of the gutter!

~~~~~~~~~

“So, what’s yours?” I ask as we stroll to the living room.

“It’s by some group called Westlife,” Colin answers. “They were on Chip’s stereo a couple of weeks ago and this song came on as I walked by.”

“Let me guess. You heard the song, grilled Chip until you got the artist and title, and headed straight for the music store,” I surmise, nodding knowingly.

“Pretty much. I take it you did the same thing?”

“Yeah,” I respond. “It freaked me out when I heard it. Talk about reading someone’s mind!”

“I’ll bet,” he chuckles, digging through his bag. “Ah! Here we go,” he adds in triumph as he straightens.

I make myself comfortable on the couch and watch as he puts the CD in and finds the song he’s looking for. After hitting ‘Play,’ he sinks down beside me and rests his head on my shoulder. I wrap my arms around him and smile in complete and utter happiness, listening avidly as the opening notes echo out of the speakers.

~~~~~~~~~

Hello. Let me know if you hear me.

Hello. If you want to be near, let me know.

And I’ll never let you go.

Hello. If you ask what I feel, I say ‘love.’

If you ask how I know, I say trust.

But if that’s not enough

It’s every little thing you do

That makes me fall in love with you.

There isn’t a way that I can show you

Ever since I’ve come to know you.

It’s every little thing you say

That makes me want to feel this way

There’s not a thing I can point to

‘Cause it’s every little thing you do.

Don’t ask why

Let’s just feel what we feel

‘Cause sometimes,

It’s the secret that keeps it alive,

But if you need a reason why

It’s every little thing you do

That makes me fall in love with you.

There isn’t a way that I can show you

Ever since I’ve come to know you.

It’s every little thing you say

That makes me want to feel this way

There’s not a thing I can point to

‘Cause it’s every little thing you do

~~~~~~~~~

I lean down and capture Colin’s mouth in a kiss so full of feeling that it almost hurts. He moans in surprise before responding, wrapping his arms around my neck and molding his body to mine.

When we finally part, I look deeply into his eyes and whisper, “Forever. That’s how long I’ll belong to you.”

“Do you have any idea how corny that sounds?” he demands, his eyes filling with tears and his voice shaking slightly. The little weasel is trying to pretend he isn’t affected; typical, and one of the innumerable reasons I love him.

“Yes,” I pronounce. “Do you have any idea how little I care?”

“Yes,” he chuckles. “Forever, Ryan,” he says more solemnly. “Let’s hope it’s long enough.”

Cocking my head, I think about that for a second. “It doesn’t really have a choice,” I remark thoughtfully. “And if it looks like it won’t last, we’ll threaten to make it do a Hoedown.”

Colin laughs out loud, his eyes dancing. “That would definitely do it! Forever, forced to do a Hoedown!” he manages to get out before losing himself in hysterics. I also laugh, watching him and drinking in his love for life, for humor, for me---it’s heady stuff, and my amusement soon turns to desire. He senses it and looks up, his laughter dying away as well.

“Waterbed?” he breathes, his eyes flaring with passion.

“Oh, yeah.”

Without touching each other, we get up and head for the guest bedroom. As we near the bed, I stumble over something.

“Ow! What the hell . . .?”

Bending down, I pick up a roll of duct tape.

“And I thought I worked fast,” comes Colin’s sardonic voice. “No offense, Big Bird, but I’d like to save the duct tape and handcuffs for our six-month anniversary.”

“Oh, ha-ha,” I toss back, looking for a place to put the large roll before settling on the dresser.

“Now,” I ask as I turn back to face him. “Where were we?”

~~~~~~~~~

So, it’s done. Colin and I are together. All I have to do is tell Pat that it’s officially over and it’ll be a happy ending for everybody.

All right. What’s with the long face?

Ah, yes. The end of the story. Well, for now. There’s still a lot to see. I think Drew has a thing for Chip; maybe you could go check that out.

I really want to say ‘thanks’ for being a part of this, though. You were a huge help and actually kept me relatively sane for most of it.

Yes, it is a horrifying thought, isn’t it? Oh, well. Good luck and maybe I’ll see you again. Hmm?

After all, you never know whose line it’s going to be.

~~~~~~~~~

Finis

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