SunCatcher
by xfphile
You know how
everyone says that you should marry your best friend? Well, in 1989, I did---or
so I thought. For eight years, I was the happiest person on the planet. I had a
wife who adored me, a son I’d fallen in love with the second I met him, and a
career that was taking off better and faster than I’d ever dreamed.
I also had Ryan.
For over twenty
years, he was my closest friend, my confidante, and the one person to whom I
could say anything, share any secret with, and never have to be anyone but
myself, Colin Andrew Mochrie.
Thus, it actually
came as no surprise to me when I looked at Ryan one day and found myself
wondering about what it would be like to be with him. Truthfully, I also asked
myself why it had taken so long. I’d always been a little curious, I suppose,
but I’d never taken myself seriously. Then, one day, it just crossed my
mind---but this time, instead of going in one ear and out the other
(metaphorically speaking, of course), that one little thought stayed with me.
Even then, I didn’t
let it affect me. I mean, it wasn’t like anything was ever going to happen. He
was happily married, I was happily married, he’d never shown the slightest hint
of curiosity on his part . . . everything was status quo until the oh-so-infamous
“Party Quirks” was taped on ‘Whose Line.’ You know the one: Kathy was hosting a
party and I didn’t believe that people were the sex that they claimed to be.
Anyway, I came, I
felt, and I left. Everything was normal; Ryan ribbed me a little in “Show-Stopping
Number,” but that was it. So, when Drew caught me after the show (cornered
would probably be a better word), I was a touch surprised.
“What the hell was
that?!?” he demanded after shoving into his office and locking the door.
“What the hell was what?”
I asked, confused.
“That . . . that . .
. ten-minute grab you did to Ryan,” Drew sputtered, his face going red.
“Oh. That. Ah, hell,
Drew, I don’t know. It was my quirk, and if you’ll notice, I grabbed
“Yeah,” he retorted.
“But you didn’t hold onto
Stunned, I stared at
him. I really didn’t know what to say. Of course, I didn’t quite understand
what Drew was trying to say, either, so not saying anything was probably the
best course of action.
“I swear,” Drew
continued, exasperated. “The two of you are enough to send someone into sugar
shock!”
That
got my attention.
“What do you mean?”
I asked, my voice trembling ever-so-slightly. Ryan would have noticed; Drew was
oblivious.
He sighed heavily.
“I mean that the two of you are---oh, hell, Colin. Do you know how many bets in
this studio and on the set of ‘The Drew Carey Show’ are about how long
you and Ryan have been sleeping together?”
“WHAT?!?!”
I exploded, coming out of my chair like I had been fired from a canon and
sending it spiraling across the room. It hit the wall with a satisfying ‘thud,’
but I paid it no attention whatsoever.
“Well, there went my
hundred bucks,” Drew mumbled. “Damn.”
He had no time to
say anything else, because my hands attached themselves to the lapels on his
suit jacket and pulled him nose-to-nose with me.
“Say that again,” I
commanded in a soft, deadly tone. Drew went pale when he heard it, but he’s not
an ex-Marine for nothing. Calmly, he eased his jacket out of my grip and took a
step back. Only then did he speak.
“Colin, do you
not---of course you don’t. Neither one of you has the slightest clue.”
He sighed again and
continued before I could say anything.
“I want you to watch
something---and don’t argue with me,” he said forcefully, cutting me off
mid-breath. “If I tried to explain it, you’d put me in a mental institution and
one is more than enough.”
Puzzled, I nodded
and followed him to the editing room. Once there, he directed me to a seat
while he nosed around in a pile of tapes. After what seemed like forever (five
minutes, if you must know), he straightened and waved a tape in my direction.
“I want you to watch
this. No commentary, no ‘buts,’ no nothing,” Drew said sternly.
“Okay, okay,” I
acquiesced, holding my hands up in supplication.
Satisfied, Drew
turned away and put the tape in the VCR. To my surprise, he didn’t come and sit
beside me; instead, he moved over to the wall and leaned up against it, fixing
me with an eagle eye. I shrugged and turned my attention to the screen.
The next ten minutes
went by in a blur as I watched myself and Ryan act like a pair of sixteen-year
olds---and to make it worse, it wasn’t just one episode. There were about six
episodes on that tape, ones that had been edited and compiled into a ‘Ryan and
Colin’ show. When it was over, Drew went back to the VCR, rewound the tape, and
put it in a plain black case. I was in shock over what I had just seen and
simply sat there, attempting to process it.
“Hey,” he said
softly, lightly touching my shoulder. I jumped as though he had stabbed me and
he immediately pulled back, smiling ruefully. “Sorry. Uh . . . do you want
this? It’s the only copy that I know about.”
“Sure,” I replied,
not really listening. I was still trying to figure out what I was going to do.
“So, what are you
going to do?” Drew asked, echoing my thoughts.
Blowing out a deep breath, I leaned
back and shook my head. “I don’t know, Drew. I really don’t.”
~~~~~~~~~~
As it happened, I
didn’t do anything. It was almost the end of the taping season, so I simply
made a concentrated effort to restrain myself around Ryan. He showed no signs
of noticing and we finished the season with no further incidents.
After a final
goodbye to Ryan, I flew home to
Ryan met me at the
airport and we exchanged a long, heartfelt hug---and I felt my heart stop. I’d
almost succeeded in forgetting about what Drew had shown me, but being in
Ryan’s warm embrace brought it all back. Still, I kept my reaction confined to
my head; there was no point in letting Ryan in on the secret. When he pulled
away, his eyes were sparkling.
“I’ve missed you,
buddy,” he said, smiling.
“Me, too,” I agreed,
stepping back and picking up my suitcase.
“Hey, is it okay if
we stay in tonight?” he suddenly asked.
“Well, yeah,” I
responded, shooting him a surprised look.
A sigh of relief greeted my answer and
my eyebrows went up. Well, this was certainly interesting. My curiosity was
definitely aroused, but Ryan said nothing else and I decided to let it go for
the time being. I’d find out soon enough.
~~~~~~~~~
The ride to Ryan’s
house was quiet, but astonishingly fast (for those of you who have ever been in
“Beautiful, isn’t
it?” Ryan said from behind me.
“Yeah,” I replied,
my eyes never moving. There was something almost hypnotic about the images . . .
at a first glance, it was an ocean scene. A closer examination revealed that
the waves were, in fact, horses, the clouds were eagles, and the surrounding
trees and sand were wolves. It was . . . intriguing . . . but I didn’t quite
know why. Before I could start to speculate, a hand gently landed on my
shoulder and I smiled, covering it with mine. We stood like that for a few
minutes before Ryan cleared his throat.
“Dinner’s ready, if
you’re hungry.”
I was, so I nodded
and tore my eyes away from the painting. With some reluctance (which I noted
with surprise), Ryan took his hand off my shoulder and gestured to the kitchen.
“Right this way,
monsieur,” he intoned in a semi-decent French accent.
I laughed and walked
into the kitchen, absent-mindedly wondering why I suddenly felt giddy. Pushing
it aside, I sat down at the table and eyed the steaming casserole with some
trepidation. Ryan had no trouble with simple stuff like macaroni and cheese,
but anything more advanced than that was out of his reach, or had been three
months ago.
“Pat put it on just
before she left,” he informed me as he poured me a glass of red wine.
“Yeah, I meant to
ask you where she was,” I told him, taking a sip.
“She took Sam and
Mac to her sister’s for a couple of weeks,” he explained. “They wanted to do
something for summer break.”
“Neat,” I commented;
Pat’s sister had an actual ranch, complete with cows, cow ponies, and some
quarter horses.
“Yeah,” he said with
a smile as he sat down. “Well, now that you know it’s safe, dig in,” he added
as he took a drink of his own wine.
With a chuckle, I
obeyed. We ate in silence for a few minutes, until I happened to glance up and
see Ryan visibly steel himself. Curious, I swallowed the bite in my mouth,
washed it down, and waited. It didn’t take long.
“Drew, uh . . . Drew
talked to me on the last day of taping,” he said in a slightly strained voice.
I froze. Of all the
things I could have anticipated, this didn’t even make the cut.
“He did?” I
squeaked, unable to control my reaction.
“Yeah, he did,” Ryan
sighed, looking down.
The logic portion of
my brain finally woke up. “About what?” I asked, my voice steady.
He met my eyes, his
own a shade I had never seen before: they looked like someone had taken two pieces
of green crystal and frosted them.
“I think you know,”
he told me softly.
“Indulge me,” I
riposted, trying to calm my suddenly racing heart.
Blowing out a deep
breath, he sat back and shook his head. “When don’t I?” he murmured ruefully,
continuing before I answer him. “It was simple, really. He took me to the
editing room and showed me a very interesting tape---and no,” he hastily put in
when he saw the look on my face, “it wasn’t the one he showed you.”
I sagged in relief.
It was---what!? There was another tape? What in the hell was Drew after?
Ryan, oblivious to the chaos that was my brain, continued.
“So, um, I was
wondering if there’s something that you want to tell me.”
That shut my brain
up long enough for me to think. Was there something that I wanted
to tell him? My feelings had never changed, but neither had the reasons I had
kept them to myself.
“No,” I finally
said, looking him straight in the eyes. “No, there isn’t.”
He got four inches
shorter at my answer, his eyes falling shut and his shoulders slumping. Biting
his upper lip, he looked to his right for a second before meeting my steady
gaze.
“Okay,” he
whispered. “That’s what I needed to know.”
And with that, he
got up and grabbed his plate, heading for the kitchen. I finished my wine
before following him. As he began to put the leftovers away, I started on the
dishes and became lost in thought. Neither of us spoke; after all, what could
we say?
A pair of strong
arms suddenly wrapped around my waist and a familiar warmth
pressed against me. I straightened in surprise, but before I could do anything
else, Ryan began lightly kissing my neck.
A strangled groan
was the only response I could muster and I sagged against him, not even
attempting to fight it. His arms tightened as I tilted my head, giving him
greater access to the sensitive skin on my neck and shoulder. He accepted the
invitation and stayed there for a while, torturing me with his soft lips, warm
breath, and teasing licks.
Somewhere along the
line, his hands left my waist and shifted to my arms. I whimpered as his
fingertips lightly began dancing across my suddenly warm hands, leaving a trail
of goosebumps in their wake.
“Colin,” he breathed
against my ear, making me shiver. It wasn’t a question.
My entire body was
on fire and hearing him huskily whisper my name made the desire I was
desperately trying (and miserably failing) to suppress flare up. Then he
lightly latched onto an earlobe, holding it with his teeth and tracing the rim
with his tongue, and my knees buckled. I simply couldn’t stand up any longer.
His breath caught sharply in his chest when our bodies made full contact and a
powerful wave of hunger swept through my body.
I drew strength from
knowing that Ryan was as affected as I was and gently pushed away from him,
turning around as I did. His eyes were so dark with emotion and the pupils were
so wide that there wasn’t any color left. Reaching up, I cupped his cheek. His
eyes drifted shut and he turned his head slightly, kissing my palm. Another
shiver ran through me and I brought his hand to my lips. Tenderly, I kissed
each fingertip, reveling in the deep groan that he rewarded me with. All of a
sudden, he pulled completely away and I looked up.
Ryan was about five
centimeters away and getting closer with each beat of my heart, which sped up
even more with anticipation. I could feel his warm breath flowing across my
lips and I unconsciously licked them. Closer . . . closer . . .
“Ryan?”
He was across the
kitchen so quickly that he had to have broken a world record for speed.
“Pat!?”
~~~~~~~~~
It was funny in an
abstract sort of way: the look on Ryan’s face was priceless. It was a
fascinating combination of horror, arousal, shock, and panic. I have little
doubt that I looked the same. I do have to say, though, that it was a good
thing Ryan made it across the room so fast, because Pat came in almost before
he had a chance to answer her.
“What are you doing
home?” he stammered, his face red and a kitchen towel
strategically placed just above his belly button. I, on the other hand, simply
plunged my hands back into the now-lukewarm dishwater and pretended to scrub a
plate.
“Our flight was
delayed for two hours and I realized that I’d forgotten my phone,” Pat replied,
moving across the floor and kissing him briefly.
“Oh,” he said
weakly. “Where are the kids?”
“Out in the cab,”
she answered as she turned around and saw me. “Colin!” she exclaimed, a warm
smile crossing her face. “I didn’t know you were going to be here!”
“Neither did I,” I muttered, accepting the hug she offered but carefully
keeping the contact to a minimum.
“I wish I could
stay; it’s been a while since we’ve talked,” she told me. “But we need to head
back to the airport. You’ll just have to come over for dinner when we get back.”
I forced a smile and
said, “That’ll be great, Pat. Have fun.”
She kissed me on the
cheek and said, “We will. ‘Bye.”
Ryan moved to her
side, giving me a chagrinned look as he did, and put a hand in the small of her
back. Once they were out of the room, I blew out a deep breath and leaned up
against the bar.
I couldn’t believe
what had just happened. That I had feelings for Ryan was nothing new, yet my
reaction had stunned me---and his actions had sent me to the moon! In all the
years we’ve known each other, I’d never had the slightest clue that he felt
that way. Well, no matter. The cat was out of the bag and the question had
become ‘what do I do about it?’
I didn’t know if I
wanted to be with Ryan, or just experiment . . . all I knew was that we both
had too much to lose to risk it. I loved him, and I knew he loved me, but
sometimes, love just isn’t enough.
“Colin?”
His question was
soft and hesitant and I closed my eyes when I heard it, knowing that I couldn’t
allow either of us to give in.
“No, Ryan,” I
whispered without turning around. “We can’t do this.”
“Why?” he choked
out.
Sighing, I dried my
hands and slowly turned to face him. “Because we have too
much at stake, Ryan. I have Deb and Luke, you have Sam and Mac---and
Pat. And what if it didn’t work? We’d lose each other, too. I just . . . I’m
sorry,” I finished in a hoarse whisper, unable to look him in the eyes. I
wanted nothing more than to go to him, but I knew that if I did, I’d never be
able to leave.
He said nothing for the
longest time, but I could feel him mulling over what I had just told him. I
waited patiently, knowing that he needed time to assimilate things.
“You’re right,” he
said suddenly, his voice firm and full of conviction. “I’m sorry, Col. I don’t
know what I was thinking.”
Whoa. Waaaaiiiit a
minute. This was bad and that thought verbalized itself before I could
stop it.
“You were thinking
the same thing I was,” I protested, even as I wondered what the hell I was
doing. Forgetting about this would be the best possible thing for both of us,
so why was I fighting him?
Unbidden, the answer
rose in my mind. I didn’t want to forget what had happened; hell, if Pat
hadn’t come back, we’d be making love on the bar at this very moment.
“Apparently not,” he
said softly before he turned and walked out of the kitchen.
Stunned, I stared
after him. I knew that this was for the best, but that didn’t make it hurt any
less---and it sure as hell didn’t make it any easier to let him go.
“Damn.”
~~~~~~~~~
Surprisingly enough,
we managed to get back to normal when we started taping ‘Whose Line’ again. I
never brought it up and neither did Ryan, and if what had happened wasn’t
forgotten, it wasn’t a factor in our lives, either. For the next several
months, things were great. Our friendship was stronger than ever and that night
had almost completely disappeared from my thoughts.
Then
came the ‘Ravenous Boa Constrictor’ taping of “Whose Line.”
So close. Another
two months and it wouldn’t have made a difference. Ryan could have flicked his
tongue at me all he wanted and I wouldn’t have cared. But I was still
vulnerable and that little ‘tongue thing’ he does so well brought back that
night in vivid, Technicolor detail. So, I did the only thing I could to keep
myself from making the biggest mistake of my life---I ran.
For the next few
tapings, I kept my contact with Ryan to a minimum. My feelings were as strong
as ever and I knew it wouldn’t take much for me to fall into his waiting arms.
It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, too. It was like deliberately
cutting off my oxygen supply. It hurt---oh, God, it hurt. But it was working; I
was gradually getting my mind back on the ‘just friends’ track.
You know, there’s
one thing I have to say about Ryan Stiles: he is persistent. A mere eleven
episodes after the boa constrictor, he tried again. This time, it was with ‘The
Maltese Burger.’
And this time, I
didn’t try to fight it.
~~~~~~~~~
I was waiting for
him in his dressing room. Once we’d finished the taping, I’d waved to the fans
and then gotten the hell out of dodge. My nerves were making me sick, but I
couldn’t let this go on. He wanted it, I wanted it, and fighting it was only
making it worse. I loved Deb and Luke and he loved his family deeply, but the
love that we had for each other was just as strong. And this time, love had
everything to do with it.
When Ryan opened the
door, still talking to Drew, everything snapped into focus for me. The
gold-flecked green of his eyes, the grace with which he moved, the tightly wound
curls of his soft, dark blond hair . . . suddenly, he was everything I’d ever
wanted.
“Colin!?”
Startled, I jumped
and looked up, noticing immediately that the door was
locked. I was alone with Ryan Stiles, and was finally right where I wanted to
be.
“Ryan,” I murmured,
drinking in the slight flush of his cheeks and the thick lashes framing those
beautiful green eyes.
“What . . . what are
you doing here?” he asked warily, fidgeting.
“This.”
And before I had time to talk myself
out of it, I crossed the room and rose up on tiptoe, clasping my arms around
his neck. He sucked in a startled breath at the contact and his arms slowly
wrapped my waist. We were both trembling and I almost pulled away, suddenly
afraid that I was making a horrible mistake.
As if he had read my
mind, Ryan pulled me closer and rested his forehead against mine, closing his
eyes and sighing contentedly. Peace began to flow through me, bringing with it
a sense of rightness and finally giving me the completion I hadn’t known I’d been
looking for. Yes, I loved Deb and my son, but this . . . this was something
else. Something special---and it wasn’t something I was willing to give up.
“Ryan,” I whispered
again, meeting his eyes. The love I saw burning in them took my breath away and
without another word, I lightly brushed my lips across his. He moaned softly
and leaned in a little. Happiness flooded through me and I gently captured his
lower lip with my teeth. A deeper groan was my reward and I smiled, tugging
gently. His tongue suddenly flicked out and I released his lip, opening my
mouth a little. He was there immediately and it was my turn to moan as we
tasted each other for the first time.
When I finally
pulled away, we were both short of breath. With trembling fingers, Ryan brought
his hand to my cheek and tenderly trailed his fingertips along my jawline. I
closed my eyes and concentrated completely on the sensation of his warm,
vibrant skin against mine. It was intoxicating.
“Colin,” he
breathed, lightly brushing his fingers along my chin before cupping my cheek in
his hand. I nuzzled my lips into his palm and smiled as a
pleasant warmth began to spread through my body. I don’t know how long
we stayed like that before Ryan reluctantly shifted away. My eyes flew open at
the loss of contact and I looked at him with surprise and a little fear. He saw
and quickly moved to assuage it, taking my hand in both of his and raising it
to his lips.
“I want you,” he
said huskily, gazing deeply into my eyes. I could see the truth in his and the
last few reservations I had steadily ebbed away.
“Then you can have
me.”
~~~~~~~~~
And he did. Slow,
tender, and wondering, it was everything I’d dreamed it would be---and yet, it
was nothing like I’d imagined. When we came back to ourselves, we found that we
were on the couch (and that hadn’t been where we started). Deciding that it was
one of the great mysteries of life, we covered up with a blanket and simply
stayed where we were---in each other’s arms. Ryan was lazily tracing a hand up
and down my arm, while I was leaning back against his chest, purring softly.
“Hey,
“Mmm?”
I murmured, too content to actually speak.
“Do yo---I’d lik---would you move in
with me?” he finally got out, his voice getting softer as he spoke (well,
stuttered, really).
It took a few
seconds for the question to register, but once it did, my eyes shot open. Gone
was the sated contentment of a few minutes ago; worried tension had replaced
it.
“Will I move in with
you?” I repeated carefully, just to make sure that I had, indeed, heard him
correctly.
“Yeah,” he answered, his voice far more confident this time.
I was on my feet
immediately, the blanket falling back on Ryan as I pulled on my pants.
“Are you kidding?” I
snapped, turning to face him. The shocked hurt in his eyes tore at me, but I
forced myself to ignore it. I couldn’t believe that he had just---yes, I could.
And if it was just us, I would’ve done it in a heartbeat. The problem lay in the
form of our wives and children. I couldn’t speak for Ryan, but I loved my
family very much. There was no way I could simply walk away from that. I loved
Ryan very much, too---and it wouldn’t take him long to get me to agree to
officially having a relationship with him. That was something neither of us
could afford.
And so, knowing that
what I was about to do would cost me my honor, I took that most intimate of
bonds between Ryan and myself and shattered it.
“I hate to
disappoint you, Ry, but this was just an experiment. I just wanted to know what
it was like.”
The _expression on
his face hit me hard; closing my eyes, I swallowed and searched frantically for
the strength I would need to get through this. The sudden familiar feel of the ring
on my left hand provided it and with a deep breath, I destroyed us.
“It was great, but
now it’s over.”
I had to stop; the
pain I was causing Ryan was flowing over me in waves and I was already sick
from the knowledge that I had to do this. To distract myself, I finished
getting dressed, and made a concentrated effort to avoid looking Ryan in the
eyes. It was a bad sign on my part, I knew, but I also realized that if I
looked at him, he’d see right through my act.
Once I was dressed,
I took another deep breath and delivered the parting shot. “Thanks for the ride
and give Pat my love.”
And with that, I was
out the door and trying not to run to my own dressing room. My self-control was
in shreds, but I couldn’t let anyone stop me or I’d lose it. God was with me,
because I got there with no one the wiser and started to unlock the door. My
hands were shaking so badly that I almost dropped my keys, but I finally
persevered.
I opened the door
and fell inside, my chest heaving with silent sobs. I knew that Ryan and I
would never be close again. It was anyone’s guess as to whether or not we’d
even be able to regain our friendship and I swore viciously. I’d known
that it was a bad idea to act on my feelings for Ryan, but I simply hadn’t had
the strength to resist him. It was my own damn fault---and in giving in, I had
betrayed my wife, my son, and my best friend. And all I had to show for it was
the few hours we’d had together.
“Fuck,” I choked out
as I blindly stumbled across the room in a desperate attempt to escape my
thoughts. I failed miserably and as I collapsed on my own couch, the memory of
Ryan’s wide, stricken eyes and the soul-deep hurt on his face continued to
plague me. The image stayed with me as I ignored the knock on my door, followed
me when I staggered to the bathroom and threw up, and chased me through my
nightmares when I finally cried myself to sleep.
~~~~~~~~~~
I woke up with a
splitting headache and a massive cramp that ran from my neck to my hip. It hurt
like hell, but I was so miserable that I barely noticed. What I had done to
Ryan was inexcusable, but there had been no other way. That didn’t make the
emptiness in my soul any easier to bear, though, and it had only
been---checking my watch, I was stunned to discover that it had only been three
hours.
This was not good.
Well, there was no
help for it now. I got to my feet, made a half-hearted effort to straighten my
clothes, and grabbed my keys. Opening the door, I checked to see if the hallway
was empty. It was and I quickly made my escape, getting to the hotel in record
time. It’s really a good thing that traffic was light, because in the mood I
was in, I’d have run over anybody who got in front of me.
The first thing I
did when I walked in the room was call my wife. I desperately needed some
validation that I had made the right decision and I hoped that hearing her
voice would soothe the ache where Ryan used to be.
“Hello?”
The sound of her
voice startled me and I didn’t answer for a second.
“Hello.”
This time, her voice
was agitated and it jarred me awake.
“Hi, honey,” I said,
trying to smile and wondering why it was taking so much effort.
“Colin?” she asked,
her surprise coming through clearly.
“Yeah.”
“Why are you
calling?” Deb demanded.
The sharp tone
caught me off-guard and I looked at the phone in surprise. It took a moment
before I could respond.
“I missed you and
wanted to talk to you,” I finally said, frowning. This wasn’t going the way it
was supposed to. Whereas I had wanted nothing more than to hear Deb’s voice
when I’d first come in, now I just wanted to hang up. It wasn’t a pleasant
realization.
“Well, I’m busy.
I’ll call you later tonight, okay?”
“I, uh---”
“You’re still at
Ryan’s, right?” she interrupted before I could finish my thought.
“No,” I said softly,
the reminder of why I had needed to talk to my wife bringing back the
events of the day.
“Well, good, th---what do you mean, ‘no’? What
happened?”
“I thought you were
busy,” I objected, still not ready to deal with it.
“Yeah,” she said, a
hint of sadness coming into her voice. “Well, what’s your number?”
I told her and we quickly hung up---and for the first time in
almost nine years of marriage, we didn’t say, “I love you.”
I just couldn’t
believe it; in less than twenty-four hours, my entire life was falling to
pieces, and something told me that it was going to get worse long before it got
better . . . if it ever did.
~~~~~~~~~
Over the next
several months, things gradually got worse between Deb and myself.
She never called me, not even when I left a message, and our conversations---if
you could call them that---got less and less harmonious. And, on top of that,
she kept me from talking to Luke. It seemed like every time I called, he was
gone or busy. My marriage was falling apart, but I just couldn’t bring myself
to care.
On the upside (such
as it were), things with Ryan weren’t nearly as bad as I’d feared. We had lost
so much of what made us a team that Drew quit pairing us in games, but we could
still laugh and joke a little off the set. Still, watching Ryan go to Greg or
Drew for advice was like being bombarded with a thousand knives. It didn’t take
Greg long to figure out that something was wrong and he cornered me after a
taping one day.
“All right,” he said, his eyes narrow behind the thick lens of his glasses.
“What’s going on? All of a sudden, the Brothers Karamazov have
turned into Drew and Dan.”
I fought back a
smile---and tears---at the deadly accuracy of his statement. Drew and Dan
Patterson, one of our executive producers, got along like cats and snakes. Greg
was quick to catch on and his voice softened considerably.
“Seriously, Colin,
what’s wrong?”
I wanted so
desperately to tell him, but I couldn’t make myself form the words. Even after
what I had done, the memory itself was just too precious.
“I---nothing,” I
blurted out, catching sight of Ryan heading toward us. “Listen, Greg, I’ve
gotta go. I’ll see you later, okay?”
I was gone before he
could formulate an answer. That short conversation had brought my feelings back
to the surface and I simply couldn’t handle being so close to Ryan. Not and
keep my composure.
Drew tried to stop
me as I made for my dressing room, but I used an old trick that Ryan had taught
me and went around him before he realized I was gone. It took me less than a
minute to duck into the room, grab my jacket and briefcase, and get to my car.
Once I was buckled
in, I sighed heavily. Instead of getting easier, things were getting harder . .
. and I couldn’t even count on the support of my wife.
Getting drunk
suddenly sounded like a really good idea.
~~~~~~~~~
The next month was a
very thorough study of what Hell must be like: internal agony, external
frustration, and a vast loneliness that threatened to drown my soul. I honestly
thought that things couldn’t get any worse. I guess I was still drunk.
Three weeks after my
conversation with Greg, I found an envelope on my windshield. The enclosed
letter was . . . threatening . . . to say the least, and Drew saw me before I
could hide it. We’d both been in show business long enough to recognize when
someone was being stalked and Drew insisted on telling the cast. To my
everlasting shock, Ryan was the first person to demand that the cops be called
and that I be placed in protective custody. The others were in whole-hearted
agreement, so I reluctantly consented
After calling Deb
and telling her what was happening, I was hustled off to a little cottage not
far from the hub of L.A. Privately, I thought that was a good idea. Everyone
seems to think that a little house out in the woods is so much safer, but all I
can see is how cut off I am from help.
Anyway, I still went
to work and such; I just had two cops, who got saddled with the monikers
Rodriguez and Corelli, with me as an escort at all
times. It was aggravating as hell, but I learned to live with it. Everything
was going okay, I suppose, despite the fact that they had no leads on the guy.
He’d obviously done this before; there were no fingerprints, the letters were
cut out of magazines so there couldn’t be a handwriting analysis, he didn’t
seal the envelopes, so there wasn’t any saliva, and, despite the best efforts
of the officers, there were no witnesses. Like I said, it was irritating, but
better than the alternative.
All of that changed
the second I read that last letter. It was short, to the point, and vague as
hell to everyone but me.
Well, it’s time for
the games to begin. Watching you suffer is going to be almost as much fun as
making you suffer. Have a nice day.
My heart stopped
when I read it. The two officers who were with me that day, Corelli
and some new guy---I think his name was
“What is it, Sir?”
he asked urgently.
“It’s Ryan,” I
whispered, my eyes glued to that small scrap of paper. “The son of a bitch is
going after Ryan!”
To his credit, Corelli didn’t question me; he simply got on the phone and
called his team, instructing them to get to Ryan’s house immediately. I never
moved; the only thing I could think of was how much I loved him and how I’d
never be able to forgive myself if I didn’t tell him the truth. Thus, when Corelli told me that they were heading out, my response was
a simple “I’m going with you.”
“You can’t!”
“All right,” he
sighed. “But . . . if we tell you to go, go. Promise me that, at least.”
I agreed readily and
we were off.
~~~~~~~~~
The entire drive to
Ryan’s house, I got more and more jittery. Something was wrong; I could feel
it. Corelli noticed it, but wisely said nothing, and
simply drove faster. By the time we got there, I was a tightly wound ball of
pure, nervous energy and driven by the absolute certainty that Ryan was in
danger. I bolted into the house, skidded through the living room and steeplechased over the two chairs that had been knocked
over in the dining room. My goal was the pool---and Ryan.
I exploded through
the glass doors and was met with a horrifying sight: Ryan was steadily being
drowned by someone I couldn’t see. Although he was the taller of the two, his
bad back put him at a disadvantage and he couldn’t get enough leverage to fight
back.
With a shout of
pure, unadulterated fury, I plunged into the pool. Somehow, I managed to have
enough foresight to land on Ryan’s attacker and pull him away. Behind me, I
heard Ryan gasp for air as he tried to remember how to breath
and a rage that was white-hot in its intensity began to burn through me.
Without a second’s hesitation, I shoved the man’s head under the water and held
him there.
Distantly, I heard
shouting voices, but I paid them no mind. A pair of strong hands suddenly
wrenched me away and I cried out in protest. Their owner ignored me and dragged
me out of the pool as Corelli and
Just as I realized
who my rescuer had to be, they shoved my stalker onto the concrete and my jaw
hit the floor.
“Rodriguez?” I
gasped, staring at him with shock. “It was you?”
“Well, that explains
a lot,” Corelli snarled as he cuffed his fellow
officer. “No wonder we couldn’t find anything.”
At that precise
moment, everything hit me and I began to cry. All of my fear, all of my
loneliness, all of my anger---it just erupted like a volcano and I was helpless
to stop the flow. Ryan wrapped himself around me and pulled me close,
whispering, “It’s okay, it’s okay. I’m here. I love
you. It’s okay,” over and over.
The storm finally
eased and I pulled away slightly, just as Corelli
approached us. He opened his mouth to say something, took a good look at us,
and backed off a step.
“We’ll come over
tomorrow and get a statement, if that’s okay.”
“Yeah,” Ryan
answered abstractly, his eyes never leaving mine.
“Good,” Corelli said. “We’ll be here around three or so. Umm . . .
I’m very sorry about this, Mr. Stiles, Mr. Mochrie.”
“It’s okay,” Ryan
replied with a wan smile. “There’s no way you could have known.”
“Right,” Corelli said heavily. “Well, you two, uh . . . have a nice
evening.”
He winced at the idiocy
of the statement as he walked away. Ryan and I sat there and watched as they
loaded Rodriquez into the car and hauled him off. Only then did I speak.
“Let’s . . . let’s
go inside.”
Ryan nodded and
clambered to his feet, reaching down and pulling me up as he did so. His touch
sent fire sparking along my nerve endings and I smiled. Once more, I was where
I wanted to be---and I was also right where I belonged. At
his side. There was no better place to be.
We walked into the
house and a blast of air conditioning hit us. I immediately began shivering and
pulled at my shirt, trying to get it off. My fingers were numb, though, and
Ryan finally sighed, pushing my hands away. With fingers that trembled only
slightly, he began unbuttoning my shirt, carefully avoiding my gaze. I sighed
quietly in regret when I saw it, hoping that he wouldn’t hear me. He felt it
anyway and involuntarily looked up.
One look into those
hurt, vulnerable eyes was all it took to melt the last bit of my resistance and
I crumpled, sliding down the wall and landing on the carpeting with a ‘thud.’
He let me go, but slowly knelt in front of me, reaching out hesitantly and
putting a hand on my knee. I covered it with my own and squeezed gently.
“I don’t know what
to say,” I whispered, trying to find the right words through the tangle of
overwhelming emotions.
“Why don’t you start
with what happened that day?” he suggested, his voice neutral.
“Okay,” I agreed,
blowing out a deep breath. “Well, I---Ryan, I’m so sorry,” I suddenly blurted out.
“I never meant to hurt you . . . not at first, anyway.”
“I’ll bet,” he
commented, his voice full of irony. “But go on.”
I flinched at the
rough tone in his voice, but continued. “I noticed one day that I had . . .
feelings . . . for you. Feelings that went beyond
friendship.”
He nodded and said
nothing. My heart sank, yet I forced myself to keep going. “After that day in
your kitchen, I got scared. I couldn’t risk losing my family, or letting you
lose yours, over something that might not have worked.”
“That makes sense,”
he acknowledged.
“Thank you,” I said
drolly. “But, at the time, you didn’t want to let it go and it got harder and
harder to fight.”
Here, he opened his
mouth to say something, but I kept going. “Then, that day, I just couldn’t fight
it anymore. Everything was okay until you asked me to move in with you. I got
spooked, Ryan. That’s all I can say. I really don’t know what I thought was
going to happen, but that wasn’t it.”
Overcome with the
emotion of that day, I fell silent and looked down, squeezing his hand tightly.
He said nothing as he thought about what I had just told him. Finally, he
tilted my chin up and asked, “So why did you say---what you said?”
Shame burned through
me and I closed my eyes. This was going to be the hard part, but I had
no choice. If I ever wanted to be with him, I had to tell him everything.
“If I had said
‘yes,’ I would have lost Deb, Luke---and you would have lost Pat and Sam and
Mac. The price was too high,” I said haltingly. “I loved you, but it just
wasn’t enough.”
You could have heard
a pin drop in the silence that followed.
“Love?”
Ryan finally repeated, his voice as guarded as his
eyes.
“Yeah,” I whispered,
finally admitting it to him. “Love. I knew that making
you think it meant nothing to me was the only way to make a clean break for
both of us.”
“You almost
succeeded,” he told me, his eyes brightening and a slight smile tugging at his
lips. I, on the other hand, was confused.
“What do you mean?”
I asked nervously, my stomach twisting.
“Drew came in almost
right after you left,” he explained. “Somehow---and don’t ask me how---he got
me to tell him what had happened. When he finished gloating over the hundred
bucks he’d just gotten back---do you know anything about that, by the way?” he
suddenly interrupted himself.
I shook my head and
said, “Long story . . . and believe me, you don’t want to know.”
“I didn’t think so,”
he agreed. “Well, back to Oz. Anyway, he listened to me rant for a while, and
then quite calmly told me the same things that you just did.”
“And you believed
him?” I asked incredulously, my eyes wide. While I loved Drew to death, his
track record with relationships wasn’t exactly stellar.
“It made a hell of a
lot more sense than believing my best friend had suddenly decided to throw
twenty years of friendship straight into the toilet.”
Guilt flooded
through me again at his words and I dropped my head, my shoulders slumping.
“I’m sorry,” I
whispered, tears filling my eyes. “I’m so sorry.”
“I know,” he
replied. “I still know you better than anyone, Colin, and once I stopped trying
to hate you---”
My heart stopped. I
should have expected it; I mean, I’d taken his heart, done a flamenco dance on
it, and left the pieces in a trail to the door. I’d hated myself when I’d done
it and couldn’t look in a mirror for two weeks. I had no reason to expect Ryan
to feel differently.
“---I started
watching you. It didn’t take long for me to realize that you were miserable, but
you had made it perfectly clear that you wanted to be left alone. And I
couldn’t have handled another blow-off from you.”
“I don’t---how
did---oh, Ryan,” I finally sighed, my emotions threatening to spill over again.
“I love you, Colin,”
he told me, his eyes warm. “I never stopped.”
And that was it; my
tenuous control snapped and I broke down into sobs. Ryan instantly reacted,
wrapping his arms around me and rocking me back and forth, murmuring
incoherently in my ear as I came to terms with the fact that I could have lost
him today.
I finally calmed
down enough to breathe and reluctantly pulled back. He was just as loathe to release me and that did more to assuage my fears than
anything else. My mind was still trying to assimilate all of the changes that
had taken place in the last half-hour. I felt like I had been run through a
gauntlet; my emotions had been taken to every extreme there was, from absolute
despair to unreasoning panic and then arcing over into white-hot rage before
spiraling off into sheer relief. Happiness wasn’t too far behind, as I began to
understand that maybe I hadn’t lost everything.
Ryan shifted until
he was sitting beside me and a wide smile broke across my face as the missing
piece finally fell into place. This was what I wanted and so desperately
needed: to be with him, and for him to be with me. And I could have lost it all
. . .
A sudden shiver ran
through me and Ryan turned, fixing me with a look of concern. Before he could
ask, I buried my face in his shoulder and wrapped my arms tightly around his
waist. He accepted the embrace and returned it, letting his touch soothe me.
But it wasn’t enough and I looked up, meeting his gaze steadily.
“I need you,” I
whispered, letting my eyes say everything I couldn’t. There was a single moment
of perfect stillness . . . and then he spoke.
“Then take me.”
~~~~~~~~~
I didn’t hesitate as
I leaned forward and claimed his mouth in a kiss that was fraught with need. It
was almost desperate and I felt Ryan pull back. With a groan of protest, I
looked at him, my eyes wide and my hands locked on his shoulders.
“Not like this,” he
whispered with a shake of his head.
“What!?”
I gasped, my entire being crying out for him.
“I’m sorry,” he said
quietly, his gaze focused on the carpet. “I thought I could---but not like
this.”
I didn’t understand
and my confusion was plainly etched across my face. Ryan saw it and made
another effort to explain.
“It’s---I---you---damn,”
he mumbled, his shoulders slumping. I gently reached over and took his hand,
rubbing his palm with my thumb. He sucked in a deep breath at the contact and
looked up, his eyes clear.
“I don’t want you to
need me, Colin,” he told me, his voice steady and his eyes compelling me
to understand, to believe. His presence was drawing me in and I finally
let my heart listen to what he’d been telling me from the beginning.
“I need you to want
me.”
Closing my eyes, I
nodded. I’d been selfish before, keeping my true heart locked away and using my
fear as a shield against him---and look what it had gotten me. Jack Squat. It
was time to face the music. I opened my eyes and for the first time, I let him
see all the love that I had to give him.
“I do,” I whispered.
“I want you, I need you, I love you . . . and right now, I just want to be with
you.”
His eyes fell closed
and his head dropped down, a gust of air coming from his chest and a relieved
smile crossing his lips. Biting his upper lip, he looked at me again, leaned
forward, and captured my face in his hands.
“I love you, too,”
he said, his eyes full of the love that he had tried to give me so long ago. “I
love you so much,” he choked.
“Then come with me,”
I murmured, taking both of his hands and drawing him up as I stood. He followed
me without hesitation, pulling one hand free and wrapping that arm around my
waist. I led him to the nearest bedroom, turned the lights on low, and returned
to his embrace.
We stayed like that
for a little while, but we were both still soaked from our earlier . . . swim .
. . in the pool, and I pulled back, peeling my unbuttoned shirt from my
shoulders before starting on Ryan’s. The damn thing wouldn’t cooperate and I
finally heaved an aggravated sigh, flicked an apologetic glance to him, and
yanked. He grunted softly as the waterlogged shirt reluctantly yielded to my
demands and opened.
“It’s okay,” he
assured me, smiling ruefully and awkwardly shrugging it off. “It was ruined
anyway.”
“Yeah,” I replied
absently, trying to figure out the best way to get his jeans off. There wasn’t
one.
“Man, why’d you have
to wear jeans today?” I demanded in exasperation. Ryan cocked his head in
response, raising his eyebrows questioningly. “Denim shrinks in water, you
goof,” I growled playfully, working a hand between the wet material and the
damp skin of his stomach. It tightened at the contact and his hands settled on
my biceps.
“I’m sure you’ll
think of something,” he said huskily, his eyes darkening.
His tone caught my attention
and I looked up again, drinking in the desire I saw in his gaze.
“God, I hope so,” I
muttered, studying the problem again. Eventually, it sank in that I was simply
going to have to do things the long way and peel them off an inch at a time. A
wicked smile came to my lips at the thought; this could get interesting.
“I think I’m in
trouble,” he remarked as he looked down and saw my expression. My smile
widened, but I said nothing and he chuckled, moving closer to me and shifting
his hands to my shoulders. Our eyes met and suddenly, all teasing seemed out of
place. There was only Ryan, and me, and our love for each other.
He leaned down and I
tilted my head, eagerly accepting his kiss and returning it with all the love I
possessed. Moaning into my mouth, he pulled me closer and molded his body to
mine. I relished in the feel of being locked so intimately with him and wrapped
my arms around his shoulders, wanting nothing more than to become part of him
and never have to let go again.
“You don’t know how
long I’ve been waiting for this,” Ryan breathed against my lips, causing me to
shiver, before moving to my neck. Then he caught my earlobe in his teeth and
gently tugged, and my knees buckled. A quiet chuckle was my answer before he
claimed my mouth for another tender kiss. Hot and sweet, his breath meshed with
mine as we reacquainted ourselves and he moaned softly as I wrapped my tongue
around his.
I finally pulled
back and began running my hands over his chest, scraping a fingernail across
his left nipple while lightly rimming his belly button with my other hand. A
deep groan pulled itself from his chest as his own hands ran down my back and
his lips landed on my neck.
I breathed in
sharply when Ryan started to suckle and tilted my head, encouraging him to
continue. He smiled against my hot skin and obliged me, his tongue flicking out
to lick along my jawline and his hands working on my belt buckle. I leaned away
slightly as he began to unbutton my slacks and he smiled again, pulled the
zipper down, and carefully eased his hand into my briefs.
I gasped in delight
as he began to stroke me and pressed my forehead against his chest, fighting to
stay in control. I simply couldn’t get enough of him and it didn’t take long
for him to draw me dangerously close to the edge. Whimpering softly, I pulled
his hand away and looked into his eyes. They were dancing with love and amused
desire and I swallowed hard, amazed that he still wanted to be with me, even
after what I had done to him. He leaned in to kiss me, but stopped when he saw
the expression on my face.
“What is it?” he
asked, his breath flowing across my lips and his hand lightly caressing my
cheek. Closing my eyes, I leaned into the soft touch and swore never to take
Ryan or his love for granted ever again.
“Hey,” he whispered,
gently forcing my head up so he could see my face. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” I
replied, gazing into the gold-flecked windows of his soul and seeing myself in
them. “I was just . . . thinking.”
“Good thoughts, I
hope,” he rumbled, his voice even but his eyes revealing his curiosity. I
thanked God that there was no uncertainty there, though I definitely deserved
it.
“No, actually, they
were about you,” I teased, smiling as I caught his hand and brought it to my
lips.
“I’m flattered,” he
said wryly, freeing his hand and kissing me lightly on the lips before starting
to slide down my body. I caught his shoulders and brought him back up, my smile
widening to a grin at the surprised look on his face. Before he could ask the
obvious question, I kissed him again, quickly this time. My grin slowly faded
as I leaned back and looked at him.
“Why?” he asked
quietly, without condemnation.
“Because tonight, I
just want to be with you,” I replied softly.
Ryan’s eyes lit up
at my words and he pulled me into his arms, hugging me so tightly that I almost
couldn’t breath. Since that was exactly where I wanted to be, I did nothing but
snuggle closer and sigh contentedly. Ryan finally eased away and tipped my chin
up.
“I want you,” he
whispered hoarsely, his eyes boring into mine.
I held his gaze as
his words sank in; once they did, bringing the memories with them, I smiled
ever-so-slightly and leaned forward, tasting his breath and sharing my own.
“Then you can have
me.”
~~~~~~~~~
It was as if the
first time had never happened. Every look, every kiss, and very touch was
gentle and wondering, almost hesitant. We finished undressing and climbed into
bed, Ryan immediately pulling me into his arms. I met his eyes and smiled at
the overwhelming love I saw there. He broke out into an answering grin and
pulled me even closer, kissing me lightly before rolling onto his back and
settling me against his chest.
I could have stayed
there for the rest of my life, but my body had other ideas. My desire began to
build slowly, but when Ryan began kissing my forehead and nose, it abruptly
flared up. I felt him chuckle as he rearranged himself, but before I could ask,
his mouth was on mine and his hands were discovering the secrets of my body. I
moaned against his lips and shifted until I was lying on top of him. The feel
of my naked skin pressed against his was incredible and it was his turn to moan
as I gently sucked on his tongue.
Finally, I left his mouth
and began to discover the joys of his throat, tracing a burning trail down his
neck and exploring his chest. He groaned in encouragement and brought a hand
up, cupping the back of my head and gently pushing down. I smiled against his
skin and gently bit his right nipple. Ryan gasped at the unexpected sensation
and eased my head to his other nipple, arching his back as he did so.
“You like that?” I
murmured, glancing up briefly before plying my tongue across the hollow of his
throat.
“Oooh
. . . Colin!” he gasped as I scraped my teeth over his Adam’s apple.
Grinning, I repeated
the movement and earned another strangled gasp as his hands tightened.
“Mmm . . .” I
murmured as I sampled the skin under his left ear and tasted the angle of his
jawline. He whimpered softly before suddenly tugging my head up and kissing me
fiercely.
When Ryan finally
let me go, I was doing well to remember my name. He flipped us over and
promptly latched on to one of my own nipples. “Ryan!” I cried, burying my hands
in his soft curls. He ‘hmmed’ against my chest and
licked the sensitive bud, sending a jolt of desire through me, before starting
to kiss his way down to my belly.
“No,” I protested,
tightening my hold on his head. Startled, he looked up.
“‘No?’” he repeated,
surprise flooding his face.
“No,” I said more
firmly, sitting up slightly and gently kissing him. “Tonight I just need to be
with you.”
He gazed deeply into
my eyes for long minute before nodding and capturing my mouth for another deep,
passionate kiss. Wrapping my arms around his shoulders, I lay back down and
reveled in the feeling of his strong body covering mine. Ryan finally pulled
away and sat up, bringing my hand to his lips as he did and sucking one of my
fingers into his mouth. I groaned again and shifted beneath him, trying to ease
the pressure.
He gasped and threw
his head back, letting my hand slip free and taking a deep breath before gazing
at with me through eyes gone smoky with desire. I swallowed hard when I saw it
and he smiled before sliding off my stomach and kneeling beside me. A soft
grunt came from my chest when he moved and I shivered from the loss of his
warmth.
“I’ll be back,” he
assured me, entwining his fingers with mine and bringing our joined hands up to
rest on my belly. Feeling impish, I pulled my left leg up and bent it, draping
my left arm casually across my knee and gazing at him through half-closed eyes.
Ryan groaned weakly at the sight of my wanton pose and looked away, visibly
fighting for control. A smile started to form on my lips, but it quickly
changed to a wordless cry of encouragement when Ryan leaned down and took me
into his hot, wet mouth.
It took all of my
self-control to keep from pushing up into the sensation and he pulled back,
leveling deadly bedroom eyes at me and licking his lips. I whimpered again and
Ryan took pity on me, leaning down to kiss me before slipping his index finger
into my mouth. I suckled hungrily and vaguely heard Ryan mutter “Oh, God . . .”
as he pulled his hand back. It was only a second before he offered me two
fingers and I accepted eagerly, feasting on food that was better than
chocolate. His taste was intoxicating and I licked at him like I would a
Popsicle, smiling when he rewarded me with another deep, throaty moan. Finally,
he tried to draw his hand away and I reluctantly let him go.
He started playing
with my nipples again and I closed my eyes, giving myself up to the sensations
he was evoking. A gentle finger suddenly brushed across the entrance to my body
and I groaned, letting my head fall back against the soft pillows on the bed.
“Relax,” he soothed
as he slipped inside, gently rubbing his finger against the interior of my body
while his other hand skimmed down my chest and took me in a firm grip. The
double dose of attention brought me straight to the edge and Ryan chuckled
softly as he released me, slipping another finger inside as he did so. I was
nothing but a puddle of sexually charged energy by then and Ryan laughed out
loud as he lightly covered my mouth with his right hand.
One look into his
eyes told me what he wanted and I parted my lips, licking his palm slowly and
sensually. His fingers moved faster in response and I pulled away with a gasp,
trembling uncontrollably as cascades of pleasure rushed through me. He studied
me for a second, silently asking if this was really what I wanted, before
nodding and stroking himself with his right hand. It might be harder to do, but
I didn’t want anything between us tonight.
Ryan slowly moved
between my knees and leaned forward, pulling his hand away and setting himself
at my entrance. Our eyes locked as he gently began to push and we both moaned
in satisfaction as our bodies joined for the first time. He sank in slowly,
dropping tiny kisses all over my lips and teasing me until I couldn’t take it
any more. My hands clasped behind his neck and pulled him down until our mouths
met in a fiery kiss. At the same time, I tilted my hips up; Ryan grunted in
surprise as he slid all the way in and broke the kiss, breathing heavily as he stared
into my eyes.
Motionless, we
simply looked at each other and relished in finally being together as
intimately as two people can be. Having Ryan inside of me was like finding the
other half of myself and I wanted to make this moment last forever.
Our passion soon
began to smolder and Ryan started moving, slowly easing back and forth as he
tried to find a rhythm. It didn’t take him long and he bent down to kiss me,
his tongue dancing across my lower lip. I moaned quietly and began moving with
him, sliding my hands down to his buttocks and urging him on.
He suddenly paused
and locked his eyes with mine, refusing to release my gaze. Puzzled, I cocked
my head and narrowed my eyes, trying to figure out what he wanted. He said
nothing, but a wide smile broke across his face.
“Do you know how
much I love you?” he finally asked, his voice full of
feeling and his eyes bright with emotion.
“More than I
deserve,” I replied hoarsely, a lump forming in my throat and my eyes filling
with tears. He wiped them away tenderly as his smile faded.
“Everything that
happened before today doesn’t matter,” he told me, his voice deadly serious.
“We both made mistakes, but it’s over and done with, and I don’t want it to
affect our life.”
Speechless, I could
only nod, fighting to keep my emotions in check as he leaned down, claiming my
mouth and branding me as his. He started moving again, lacing his fingers with
mine and burying his face against my neck. This time, I couldn’t control my
response as he pushed me beyond every limit I had ever known. It was
indescribable and I felt myself start to spiral out of control. Ryan suddenly
pushed himself even further into me and I cried out in disbelief at how good it
felt. His cries mingled with mine as he urged us both to the edge.
I shifted my hips
slightly to adjust to his movements and he released another hoarse cry, his
fingers tightening around mine as he poured his completion into me. With a
gasp, I felt myself let go, crushing Ryan against me and almost sobbing at the
release of emotion as waves of pleasure washed over me.
When I finally came
back to myself, Ryan was wrapped around me and we were curled up under the soft
sheets of his bed. His breathing was deep and steady and I smiled, lazily
tracing my fingers up and down his arm.
“Feels good,” he
murmured, tightening his hold.
“Hi,” I replied,
twisting my head up to look at him.
“Hi, yourself,” he
grinned as he dropped a butterfly kiss on my lips.
I cuddled a little closer
to him and sighed contentedly; finally, I felt at peace, both with myself and
with the world. Slowly, it was replaced by worry as I remembered what it had
taken for me to finally reach this point and how close I had come to missing it
entirely. Ryan had said that everything that had happened didn’t matter, but it
did; at least, it did to me. I knew that I’d never forget what I’d done, and I
didn’t want to. Forgetting would make it far too easy for me to take him for
granted again, and that was a mistake I couldn’t make a second time.
He suddenly laughed,
interrupting my thoughts.
“What?” I asked as I
looked at him again, catching the amused gleam in his eyes.
“Oh,” he replied,
still chuckling. “I was just thinking that we can tell Corelli
tomorrow that we did have a nice evening.”
I burst out laughing
and he joined me, our bodies shaking with mirth. Ryan eventually rolled onto
his back and pulled me with him, our amusement fading. I sighed and rested my
head on his chest, lacing my fingers through his.
“I love you, Ryan,”
I whispered, meeting his eyes as I spoke. “And I always will.”
“I love you, too,”
he replied, raising his head and kissing me. It started out softly but
gradually intensified as the passion we shared began to bubble to the surface.
When I pulled away, I was breathing heavily and my body was wide-awake. One
look into his wide, wild eyes told me that Ryan was with me and I shook my head
ruefully.
“Maybe we should
call Corelli and tell him to wait a day,” I suggested
as Ryan pinned me to the bed.
“Probably,” he
agreed before his mouth covered mine in a hot, deep kiss and he pushed me
deeper into the mattress.
I almost felt
sorry for Corelli.
Almost.
~~~~~~~~~
We spent the next
day getting the details on why Rodriguez was stalking me. As Corelli explained that afternoon (and getting madder by the
second as he talked), it started out as a joke; Rodriguez had simply wanted to
know if he could stalk someone and get away with it. He had never intended to
hurt anyone, but that changed when he saw how unconcerned I was about the whole
affair. Seeing someone treat his work so casually had enraged him to the point
where he had actually begun stalking me, rather than doing it as a
prank. He still wouldn’t say why he had gone after Ryan, but I figured that it
was part of his ego trip; after all, at the time, who would have thought that
Ryan was the way to get to me?
After getting our
assurances that we’d testify if necessary, Corelli
left. Ryan and I waited all of five minutes and then reaffirmed our love and
commitment to each other, drowning in the pleasure of being together. That
took the rest of the day, and then Ryan casually shattered my peaceful world.
We were lying in bed, his head on my chest and my fingers carding through his
soft hair, when he spoke.
“Pat and Deb will be
here tomorrow,” he informed me while he was mouthing one of my nipples.
“Hmm---what?!?”
I yelped, trying to sit bolt upright. It would have worked, too, had Ryan not
been lying on top of me. He sighed and rolled over, straddling me and pinning
my wrists to the bed. I looked back at him, shock etched on my face.
“We’re going to have
to tell them sooner or later,” he pointed out gently, his lips curving up in a
loving smile. “And I’d rather it be sooner; that way, we don’t have to hide
anything.”
Stunned silent with
surprise, I simply stared at him. While my marriage wasn’t the best of
situations at the moment, I didn’t want to end it with a simple “Ryan and I
fell in love and I want to be with him. Have a nice day.”,
either. That would just be wrong.
Ryan waited a few
moments for a response before sighing again and dropping his head down, kissing
me lightly. “Look, Col. I don’t think Deb is going to
take it as badly as you’re expecting.”
That got my
attention and I arched an eyebrow at him, inviting him to continue. He smiled
at my expression and did.
“I know you haven’t
been doing that well lately, an---”
“How?”
I interrupted, suspicion creeping into my voice.
“I told you---I know
you better than anyone and when you just quit mentioning Deb or Luke, it didn’t
take a genius to figure out what was wrong. And besides,” he added as he began
to move against me, smiling in satisfaction as my eyes glazed over. “I’ll be
right there. Do you really think that I’d let anything happen to you?”
“No!” I gasped as he
hit a particularly sensitive spot. “But you don’t seem to be having any trouble
doing things to me.”
“We aim to please,”
he said cheerfully. “So just lay back and let me see if I can nail the target.”
“Just as long as you
hit it hard,” I replied, smiling.
“Oh, don’t you worry
about that,” he breathed, the passion in his soul pouring itself into his
worship of my body. “I always hit my mark.”
~~~~~~~~~
“Hi, Deb,” I awkwardly
greeted my wife, looking nervously between her and Pat. Ryan captured my
restless gaze and smiled suggestively, bringing back to mind the memory of what
we’d been doing an hour ago. I blushed and looked away, chewing my lower lip to
keep from smiling. I didn’t know that could be done in water, and I
definitely wanted to try it again.
“So, what’s this
about?” Deb asked, breaking me out of my reverie. My eyes followed her as she
settled herself on the couch; Pat sat down beside her and they looked up with
twin expressions of curiosity.
“Well,” Ryan began.
“This, uh---” he broke off and chuckled. “God, this is strange. Look, there’s
no easy way to say this, but Colin and I---”
“Oh, my God,” my
wife breathed. “You two finally woke up!”
“And you owe me
twenty bucks,” Pat told her, holding her hand out expectantly.
“Later,” Deb
admonished, swatting her hand away. As she did, she caught sight of our
expressions and laughed delightedly.
“What, you thought
we didn’t know?” she asked. Dumbstruck, Ryan only nodded; I couldn’t even get
that much out.
“We’ve known since
the week before you started taping again,” Pat explained, giving her husband a
penetrating look.
“Oh,” Ryan said
weakly, his hand locking around mine and his face going red.
“Yeah.
Did you really think that I didn’t know what had been going on? If I had caught
you with your pants down, it couldn’t have been more obvious!” she exclaimed.
“Why . . . why
didn’t you say anything?” Ryan spluttered, his grip tightening.
“I was going to, but
when I got back and Colin was gone, I figured that things hadn’t gone well. Deb
and I talked and we agreed to wait a while to see what happened. Nothing did,
so we finally decided to bring it up. But you didn’t come home that night and
Colin never came by after that, so we guessed that something had
happened.”
“That’s why I
started pulling back, Colin,” Deb said to me, her eyes dark with compassion.
“Your decision was hard enough without having to worry about my reaction.”
Stunned beyond
words, I simply gaped at her. The measure of love this woman had for me was
astonishing and I began to feel guilty for using it so callously.
“Don’t you dare!”
she snapped, catching me off-guard. “I knew this would eventually happen, and
I’m okay with it. I want you to be happy, and anyone can see that you are with
Ryan.”
“But . . . but what
about Luke?” I demanded, trying desperately to make sense of the situation.
“That will be his
choice,” she answered softly. “There’s nothing we can do about it.”
I blew out a deep breath
and looked at my lover, raising my eyebrows in silent inquiry. Shaking his
head, he shrugged and I looked back at Deb.
“So
what about us?” I asked steadily.
“Fifty-fifty
divorce,” she replied promptly. “And no hassle.”
That was more than a
fair offer and I pulled away from Ryan, walked over to her, and lightly knelt
down.
“Thank you,” I
whispered, raising her hand to my lips. “For everything.”
“You’re welcome,”
she whispered back, her shining with tears. With shaking fingers, I wiped them
away and she smiled tremulously. “Just don’t ever be sorry and never, ever look back.”
~~~~~~~~~
Later that night,
after Ryan and Pat had gotten their divorce settled and the two women shad
left, I curled up beside him and thought about the last week. I had started out
in Purgatory, plummeted straight to Hell, and, in the craziest trip I hope I’ll
ever have to take, ended up in Heaven. It was a journey I would never forget
and one that had changed me forever. I finally had exactly what I wanted---and
it was enough. There aren’t many people who can say that, you know. All too
often, they find that wanting is better than having, but by then it’s too late.
You know what the
best part is, though? Ryan feels the same way, and that makes everything we had
to go through to get here worthwhile. It’s not going to be easy, but nothing
worth having ever is. Having to work for something good makes us appreciate it all the more, and I’m a living testament to
that.
But then, I started
out chasing the moon and ended up catching the sun.
~~~~~~~~~
Finis