Talk to You

by Lori

“I miss you,” I hear him say.

“I miss you, too,” I say back.

It’s the middle of the afternoon and I’m lying on my bed talking to Ryan on the phone. We are far away from each other once again. I’m in Canada and he’s in Los Angeles. We’ve been away from each other for three weeks now.

Even though talking to him on the phone isn’t the same as seeing him in person, as it only seems to last a heartbeat, it still gives me such a feeling that I can’t describe. It makes me feel to close to him, like we’re one, when we can’t physically be with each other.

“God, Col, I don’t how much more of this I can take. Being away from you like this tears me apart.”

I know how he feels. He’s what makes me complete – what makes me feel connected to everything around me. But it has to be this way. We both have other lives. He has his wife and kids and I have Deb and Luke.

“I know, it tears me apart too,” I begin truthfully, “but we both have wives and children that we also love. We don’t have a choice. It has to be this way,” I point out gently.

“I know,” he says softly, “that doesn’t make it any easier though.”

“I know,” I say in a voice barely above a whisper, “it doesn’t.”

I think of everything we’ve been through together; we’ve been through a lot. Through it all, Ryan has always had the ability to make me laugh, just when I need it the most. He’s also helped me through the not so good times. It’s not easy for me to cry. And when I’ve needed it, he’s helped me cry.

“I love you, Col,” I hear his sweet voice say.

“I love you, too, Ryan,” I say back sincerely.

As I look back, I realize he’s never held anything back from me. He’s always been so open. He’s shared all of himself with me; he, in essence, has shown me life. He’s taught me so much about everything, especially about life and love. Because of him, I can see what’s real.

I can feel that the conversation is winding down, that it’s time to get off the phone, which neither of us wants to do.

“I’ll talk to you in a couple of days,” he says.

“Yeah,” I say back. God, this sucks. He’s my life, my love, and I can’t even be with him. “I’ll be thinking about you until then.”

“Me, too,” he says.

Again we say those three little words.

“I love you,” I say hoarsely.

“I love you, too…goodbye,” he says gently.

“Bye,” I say softly. My hand lingers on the phone for a moment before I switch to a sitting position to hang it up.

I lie back down on the bed and put my hands behind my head. I can’t help but wonder where I’d be without him in my life. Definitely not where I am today. He’s done so much for me throughout the years. I owe my career and marriage to him. He got me the audition at Second City. I met Deb through him. It’s because of him that the big wigs at Whose Line gave me a second chance. And it’s because of him that when Whose Line was moved to America, they didn’t get rid of me.

I also wonder where I’d be if we hadn’t had become lovers. I can’t imagine a life without Ryan as my lover. Where would I be if I couldn’t feel the warmth of him in my heart; if I couldn’t feel the light he gives me? All I have when we’re not together is the thought of him in my arms. Where would I be without that?

Now that the conversation is over, all I want to do is talk to him again. But all I can do is wait until the next time that I hear his voice on the line. I know he’ll make me feel whole again. It doesn’t matter where we are; near or far away, he makes me feel like I’m home again whenever we talk to each other.

I sigh. I hear the front door open in the other room, signaling that Deb and Luke are home. I should get up and go greet them. I sit up, but touch the phone, my only link to Ryan for the time being, before standing up.

“All that I am is for you,” I say staring at the phone.

I finally get up and go into the other room to greet my wife and son, with Ryan in my heart and soul.

‘Someday,’ I think, ‘someday.’

*********

END

*********

It lasts for a heartbeat

But it’s such a feeling

Of being one

When we talk on the phone

You make me complete

You make me feel connected

To the earth beneath my feet

You make me laugh

And you’ve helped me to cry

You’ve shared all of yourself with me

You’ve shown me life

You’ve taught me

You let me see what’s real

Whatever would I be without you in my life

Without the warmth of you in my heart?
Wherever would I be without the light you give me

Without the thought of you in my arms?

And all I can do

Is wait until the next time

That I hear your sweet voice on the line

And I’ll feel whole again

You’ll bring me home again

All that I am is for you

Go back to Main Archive