Colin Mochrie sat back in his chair and passed a hand over his
chin before lacing his
hands together on Ryan Stiles' breakfast table. Stifling a
yawn, he glanced over at Ryan,
who stood leaning against the counter. The tall man held a white
cordless phone and was
chatting quietly with Drew, and judging by the
slightly-less-than-disappointed expression
on his face, Drew was feeding Ryan a line of excuses.
"No," Ryan said, rolling his eyes comically.
"That's okay...No, really. We'll be fine...No,
Drew. It's okay.Yeah. If you're busy then you're
busy...It's all right." He glanced in
Colin's direction and shook his head. "That's fine
Drew. See you." With an exasperated
sigh, he hung up. "Well, scratch Drew. Guess that's
everybody."
"What did he say?" Colin asked, chuckling.
Ryan sat down and picked up his coffee cup. "Oh, he's
going to Cleveland, or something."
He smiled and took a sip from the steaming mug. "But
oh well. It's not that big a deal.
I'm actually glad he cancelled."
"Yeah, me too," Colin agreed. For some reason, he
got the mental image of Ryan
kneeling on Drew's chest while he held a knife to Drew's
throat. "Four days camping
out in the middle of nowhere with him? I'm thinking it was
a good thing he cancelled."
Waving that last comment aside, Ryan smiled and said, "Aw,
he's okay. You're
probably right, though. Even I have limits."
"That's what I meant."
Sighing, Ryan took another sip of coffee. "So."
"So what?" Colin said, raising an eyebrow.
"You still want to go? Even if it's just
us?"
He sure hoped so, although hanging around town for the weekend
wouldn't be so bad.
The wives and kids were going to be here, but that was okay, too.
"Be nice to get the hell out of LA for a while," Ryan
mused. His eyes sparkled with
faint excitement, however, which belied his thoughtful
demeanor. "Even if you're there."
"I can stay," Colin replied indifferently.
"Let you get lost in the woods all by yourself."
Ryan snorted. "I'd do that whether you were with me or
not."
Colin pretended to be worried. "Hmm...in that case,
maybe we should just stay home."
It was just a joke, of course. While Ryan wasn't exactly
Survivor material, the man was
far from stupid when it came to the outdoors. "But we
do already have the tickets and
stuff, so, you know, we may as well go."
"That's what I was thinking. I wasn't kidding: I want
to get out of town." He paused,
stretched his back, and then set down the coffee cup.
"Frankly, I was planning to go
whether anyone else went or not. I figured you'd be up for
it, though."
"Would you have gone if I didn't?"
"For a day or two," Ryan nodded. "Anyway,
when we go, bring your cell phone, but
don't turn it on, all right? I don't want anybody bugging
me--us--while we're up there."
"That's what I was planning to do."
"Oh. Okay."
**
The place was absolutely gorgeous: clear, calm lake right beside
them; thick pine trees
all around; no evidence of civilization anywhere. There
wasn't a beach or anything. The
water just kind of ran up to a muddy bank. Still, it was
amazing: the kind of visage one
usually encountered in wistful executives' offices.
It wasn't hot out, but it was only morning, and for that, it was
warm enough to not need
anything heavier than a long-sleeved shirt. As he went in
search of his companion, Colin
took a deep breath and smiled. About the only thing he didn't
like about this place was
the altitude: almost ten thousand feet above sea level. He
found himself out of breath
even after short walks.
Ryan was sitting on the edge of a rather large rock, with his
legs dangling down toward
the water. He was dressed in a blue T-shirt, dirty jeans,
and old sneakers. A coffee
mug sat at his right hand. "Morning," he said quietly,
scooting over to make room on the
rock.
"Hey," Colin said as soon as he was situated.
"Boy, this is a nice place. What's it called
again?"
"Louis Lake," Ryan replied. "And yeah, it
sure is nice. You don't have to keep pointing
that out, you know."
"Well, what else am I going to say? We've already
exhausted almost every avenue of
conversation since we got here."
"Oh." A small smile quirked up one corner of
Ryan's mouth. "You want to go take a
walk or something? My ass is getting numb."
Shrugging, Colin said, "As long as we don't push it. I don't
want to pass out."
"Don't worry. It gets to me, too."
After Colin grabbed a cup of coffee for himself, the two set off
down the set of ruts that
had served as their means of entry. It wasn't a proper road
at all: just two bald tracks
with a thick patch of grass in between. This led to a
pitted and rutted dirt road, which
led back to a gravel county road, which led to a cracked and
patched highway.
Apparently no one in this state had ever heard of pavement.
This little campground was about a hundred miles away from the
nearest town. If you
could call it a town. It had exactly a hundred and two people
living there. Colin, who
had lived in cities all his life, couldn't imagine what living in
a place with less than a
hundred thousand people would be like. Of course, not a
single town in this whole state
had more than fifty thousand people. Not even the
capital. He wasn't entirely sure, but
he didn't think there were any towns in California with fewer
than fifty thousand people.
"Could you imagine living in a place like this?" he
asked, panting lightly despite the
leisurely pace. "Hundreds of miles between towns?"
Ryan shook his head. "No. I wouldn't want to,
either. It's probably pretty boring
when there are only a hundred people in town."
"Hard to keep secrets, I bet." Shaking his head,
Colin bent down and picked up a
pinecone. It was clotted with grass and bits of dirt, which
he brushed away. "It's funny
when you think about it--there are millions of people crammed
into one city on the
coast of California, and there's all this open space out
here. You'd think there'd be
more people out this way."
"I've heard the winters out here are pretty crappy,"
Ryan shrugged. He poured out the
last of his coffee. "The weather out in California is a hell
of a lot nicer then."
"Plus, all the money is out there."
"Exactly."
For a while, the only sounds were of them breathing, their
footsteps over the uneven
terrain, a few scattered birdsongs, and Colin tossing the
pinecone up in the air. He
turned his face up to the sun and smiled. This definitely
was a worthwhile trip. Drew
and Greg and all those guys sure don't know what they're missing.
But then again, he doubted those guys would really appreciate
this kind of peace. He
could just imagine Greg bitching about the bugs and lack of
technology. Drew probably
would have insisted on bringing a Winnebago. Either that,
or he would have insisted on
no one bringing anything. Wouldn't that have been
fun?
Ryan, on the other hand, was a little simpler. He'd never
really been comfortable or
happy in LA. In fact, Colin recalled seeing Ryan happiest
up at the ranch in Washington.
The two families got together during the summers sometimes and
Ryan was always
different up there: calmer and much more laid back. When there
was nobody he had to
perform for, Ryan was a good guy. Quiet, mellow, and shy.
Just like me. There were even more alike then people
realized. Of course, the two of
them knew it, but most people saw Ryan as both aggressive and a
bit of an asshole.
What those people didn't know was that he was aggressive because
he was shy. It was
just a cover. Ryan didn't want anyone--including his
friends--to know just how sensitive
he really was.
But out here, it didn't matter. Out there, where there was
no one around, they were just
themselves, the two of them. Colin reflected on how
different this trip would have been
if even just their wives had come along. I'm not
completely myself around her, he
realized. Almost, but never totally. I'm still
playing a role--her husband. He always
held back a little around her. Not much. More than he
held back around Ryan, though.
That was the thing--Ryan had been there at the absolute lowest
point in Colin's life.
Back in the beginning. Before Deb even entered the
picture. So why should he hold
back? Sure, okay, yeah, he and Deb had had some tough
times, but nothing compared
to-
"You know, we ought to make this a yearly thing," Ryan
remarked suddenly. "Just you
and me."
Startled, Colin glanced over at his old friend out of the corner
of his eye. "You think so?"
"Yeah. This is...nice. Nobody around; no kids or
wives or people from work."
"Nobody who wants anything from us," Colin added into
the considering silence.
Ryan nodded and combed fingers through his sweat-dampened
hair. "Right."
"I was just thinking about that." After
scratching his forehead, Colin tossed away the
pinecone and concentrated instead on kicking a small rock.
He rubbed at his stubbly
chin and then said, "We're away from all that stuff out
here. It's good."
"Also kind of nice that everybody cancelled."
Colin found himself smiling at that. "Can you imagine
Brad or Greg out here?"
Tipping his head back, Ryan laughed gently. The sound
rolled through the trees and
caused a few birds to take wing nearby. "Brad wouldn't
last a day. I think he'd spend
the entire time cleaning the damn campground. And
Greg-" Still chuckling, he shook
his head. "I can't actually picture Mr. GQ out in the
woods."
"I'm thinking it was the promise of no room service...or
room...that made him not want
to go," Colin said. "I don't think Drew would do
so well, either. Why are we so
different?"
The question seemed to catch Ryan off guard. "What do
you mean?"
"Well...why do we enjoy being out here in the middle of
nowhere and they don't?"
"I don't know that they wouldn't. But then again, Drew
likes to party and I don't. You
don't either. Greg and Brad do. I guess that's the same
thing. They like--or maybe need--
a lot of people around them. I don't, and I don't think you
do either."
"True," Colin conceded. "Some people are
just built differently, I guess."
"Sure."
"For what it's worth, I think this was a good idea. And I do
think we ought to do this
every year. No kids, no wives, no worries, no stress; just
us." After a pause, he asked,
"Is that weird, Ryan?"
Ryan shrugged. "Who cares?"
That ended the conversation for the rest of the hike.
By early that afternoon, it was warm enough for Ryan to brave the
lake. Colin, who'd
put on shorts and a thin T-shirt, picked a spot on one of the big
rocks. It was under a
tree, so there was plenty of shade. He grinned at the look
on Ryan's face when the big
guy eased into the water until it was up onto his waist.
"Holy shit, this is cold!" Ryan exclaimed.
"I bet," Colin replied. "This is a mountain
lake, after all." He swatted at a couple of flies
and then wiped the sweat off of his forehead before turning to
watch Ryan dove into the
water--headfirst, like a kid--and swam a short distance.
The man was a strong swimmer
and took to the water like a fish, swimming out and then
returning.
"Why don't you come on in, Colin?" he said, emerging
next to the rock on which Colin
sat. "It's cold, but you'll get used to it."
"No thanks," Colin said. He didn't swim much
anymore these days. Still, the water
looked awfully inviting.
"Aw, jeez, come on. Bet you've never been in a lake
like this before."
"I haven't wanted to," Colin said. "I'm not
stupid enough. Besides, I'd rather fish."
Ryan climbed out of the water and hoisted himself up onto the
rock. The water running
down his body gleamed warmly in the sunlight. "Should
have said something about that
before we left, then. It's kind of hard to fish without
poles." He ran fingers through his
hair and added, "Live a little."
"Oh, all right," Colin groused, uncomfortably stripping
off his shirt. Before he could talk
himself out of it, he dropped down off the rock and then eased
slowly into the water.
His balls tried to crawl back up into his body before the water
had gotten too far past
his shins. It wasn't cold. It was freezing.
"Jesus!" he gasped.
"Give it a minute," Ryan said, diving back in. He
swam out a short distance, turned,
and then called: "Still have a dick or did it shrink all the
way?"
"Why don't you just come over here and find out," Colin
retorted, wading slowly out
until the water was at his waist. Then, as he'd seen Ryan
do earlier, he ducked his head
under. When he came up, the water seemed to lose its edge.
Ryan was watching him with a raised eyebrow. "No, I
don't want to see," he said.
"That's definitely one side of you I don't want to
know." He quickly closed the distance
between them, moving until he stood within arm's reach.
With a wicked smile, he used
both hands to push Colin backward into the water.
Coughing and spluttering, Colin managed to find his feet after a
few moments. "Bastard!"
he said and splashed a big handful of water into Ryan's face.
Ryan danced backward
and lost his balance. Colin pounced, driving Ryan
underwater and not letting him up for
a good fifteen seconds.
"You are so dead!" Ryan yelled when he'd regained his
balance.
Like a couple of boys at the local pool, the two of them swam
around the lake, ducking
each other under, splashing each other, and making enough noise
to wake the dead.
Their laughter, the untroubled laughter of kids, echoed through
the trees and sent the
nearby birds into a kind of frenzy. It wasn't a sound often
heard up that way.
At long last, exhausted and badly out of breath, the two men
dragged themselves out of
the lake and collapsed on the shore near their tent.
"Man," Colin chuckled. "I haven't
done that since I was a kid."
Ryan stood up after a moment or two and headed for the
tent. "Think I'm going to take
a nap. That wore me out."
"I'll join you," Colin said, forcing his tired body up
and tottering the few steps between
the shore and the tent. "Yeah, I think you're right
about needing to live a little. That was
fun." It was warm and a little stuffy inside the tent,
so he opened up one of the windows
as soon as he got inside.
"Told you," Ryan said, stretching out on his towel. He
yawned and rolled over onto his
side, curling up into a fetal position. Two or three
minutes later, he was sound asleep.
Colin wasn't long in following suit.
**
The stars were out in force that night. The moon was about
half full and trailed long,
white fingers over the surface of the lake. The crickets
chirped and the fire popped.
Other than that, the area was completely silent. Colin
sniffled a little in the chilly air and
bundled his jacket around him. It was amazing how quickly
it had gotten cold. He'd
been freezing when he'd awakened from his nap, and it had gotten
steadily cooler since
then.
"Nice night," he said, taking a drink of his beer. That
helped warm him up some. This
was his second so far. Or was it the third? Did it
even matter? No.
"Sure is," Ryan agreed. He was sitting on the
other side of the fire, with his legs
stretched out and was leaning back on his hands. His own
beer can sat by his hip.
"Hell of a view, don't you think? It's been a long
time since I've seen the stars so bright."
"There aren't any lights drowning them out," Colin
shrugged. He turned his own gaze
upward and found the Big Dipper almost immediately, and from
there, it was a quick
jaunt over to Ursa Minor to find the North Star. Not far
away, he identified Orion--two
bright stars, three stars for the belt, the bow and arrow. The
Sisters. A planet, although
he didn't know which. Mars, maybe. It seemed to have
a reddish tinge. "Sure are pretty."
"Yes, they are." Ryan lay the rest of the way
down and laced his hands behind his head.
"You want to know something funny?"
Somehow, Colin had a feeling he knew what Ryan was going to say,
but he asked,
"What's that?"
"I don't miss anybody right now."
I know you too well, my friend. That had been
exactly the answer Colin was expecting.
The odd thing was that he didn't really miss his family
either. It wasn't that Ryan was
particularly outstanding company or anything. It was
just.the place. The peace. "I don't
either. I wouldn't mind if I never left."
Ryan didn't answer right away. He closed his eyes and a
small smile touched his lips.
"No stress, no problems, no worries. No work.
Hey, that's even better."
Unable to help the smile that rose to his own lips, Colin
nodded. He couldn't remember
the last time he'd been so relaxed and he could see a similar
relaxation in the lines of
Ryan's body. That was definitely a good thing. Yeah,
they'd definitely have to make
another trip back.
"Of course," Ryan was saying, "it's not like what
we do is really stressful. It's just...
draining."
"Takes more out of you every year, doesn't it?"
"Mm-hmm."
"Does me too."
"Whose Line does it to me, too. I used to breeze
through those tapings and have
enough energy to go home and play with the kids. Now I
usually go home and go to
bed."
"We're not exactly young anymore," Colin said, thinking
about the games they were
playing in the lake just that afternoon. They'd both sure
been young then. "But why
let it bother you? It won't be forever."
The smile resurfaced on Ryan's face. "I
know." He opened his eyes and sat up enough
to take a deep swallow of his beer. "It's still fun,
and I guess that's what counts."
"We do have fun up there, don't we?"
"Yeah, even with those stupid censors."
Colin smiled. "They're not as bad as they used to be,
at least. We're slowly wearing
them down. One of these days, you're going to be able to
give Drew the finger or just
come out and say 'hey, Drew, fuck off,' and they won't say
anything."
"Why would I want to tell Drew to fuck off? We're
friends, remember?"
"It was just an example. I'd say it just get him to
lay off the bald jokes."
"Ah. Yeah, I think I would, too. But it won't
happen in my lifetime."
"No shit. I was just being-"
"An asshole?"
"Sarcastic."
"What's the difference?" Ryan sat up the rest of
the way and picked up his beer.
"But anyway, don't you still enjoy yourself?"
"Of course. You don't have to think much up there,
either, and you don't have time
to wonder if you're going to be funny or not." Colin
frowned and looked over at Ryan.
Come to think of it... "You're really happy when
you're up there, aren't you?"
"Happy? Well...not...I wouldn't put it like
that. I like being up there. Getting paid to
be a jackass for a few hours does have its appeal." He
grinned suddenly, and it lit up
his whole face. "Hey, and kissing you makes it even
better."
"Perks," Colin agreed, chuckling. "Everybody
gets so jealous of you, you know."
"Me? They're all jealous of you. After
all, who wouldn't want me kissing them?"
"Well, me for one," Colin said.
Ryan's upper lip curled. "Oh, you know you like
it," he jeered. "Come on, Colin.
Admit it--you want me. All those times you've said 'I love you'
you really mean it."
"I never have," Colin replied with mock indignity.
"You're the one who always says it."
He felt a little tipsy all of a sudden. "I think we
all know who the fairy of the cast is."
"What are you trying to say?" Ryan asked, raising an
eyebrow. "Are you insinuating
that I'm after your tail? 'Oh, look at me! I'm Colin
and everybody wants me! And oh,
look! The tall weirdo is in love with me!' Is that
what you're trying to say?"
Colin had to think for a moment before answering. All of a
sudden, he wasn't sure if
Ryan was kidding around or really serious. Although Ryan's
tone had been light and
teasing, there was something there that sounded...almost...no.
No. It was just his
imagination. Or maybe you just want it to be true.
No. "That's right," he said, forcing
himself to sound jovial. "I'm too damn sexy for my own good
and you know it.
Everybody wants me."
Ryan's smile faded a little at a time. "Sure," he
said. He drew his knees up to his chest
and rested his chin on them. For a long time, he stared
into the fire and didn't say
anything. After fifteen or twenty minutes, he reached out
and idly poked at it with a
stick that he'd used earlier to toast a few marshmallows.
What did I say? Colin wondered. All of a sudden,
they'd gone from laughing to...nothing.
He didn't ask, though. It was probably just his
imagination. Maybe it was the flickering
shadows from the firelight that was making Ryan appear troubled
all of a sudden. It was
hard to get an accurate read on his expression.
When Ryan did finally speak again, he was tentative.
"Do...have you ever said anything
you really meant when you were up there?"
"What do you mean?"
"Like have you ever been in the middle of a scene and, um,
you know, said something
that you really meant? Only nobody knew because they thought it
was a joke?"
"Like what?" Colin asked suspiciously.
Ryan shrugged and took his time answering: "I don't
know. Like if you got mad at Drew
or somebody and you called them a name that you weren't kidding
around about. That's
what I mean."
Colin honestly thought about it and couldn't come up with
anything right off the top of his
head. "Not that I can think of. I'm almost
always kidding. Why? Have you done that?"
"Yeah, a time or two."
"Really? Who to?"
"You, mostly." Ryan shook his head uncomfortably.
"I...you get away with stuff up there.
It's safe, you know? When you're on that stage, everything
is 'just a joke,' you know?
But sometimes it's not."
Once again, Colin just knew where this was heading. A
strange and not-unpleasant
feeling passed through his stomach. He tried to swallow,
but his mouth was dry. "What,
uh, what are you talking about?"
"Oh, hell, I don't know," Ryan said tiredly.
"I think I'm just rambling. It's too quiet out
here."
"Filling up the empty spaces," Colin muttered under his
breath. Raising his voice, he said,
"You do know, though. So just tell me. What is
it that you've been saying to me onstage
that you mean?"
"I...never mind."
"You brought it up."
"I know. All right. I think you already know
this, but I love you."
Even though he'd known it was coming, Colin was a little taken
aback by how off-
handedly Ryan had just spelled it out. No big deal
there. After a few moments' thought,
he understood why. "Just like that, huh? Are we
talking fraternal love or romantic love?"
"Whichever one means 'I love you like a brother.'"
"That would be fraternal."
"Then that's what it is."
"Well, in that case, I love you too. But if you tell
anyone I ever said that, I'll break that
beak of a nose of yours."
Ryan shook his head. "I won't. The same threat
goes back to you. I just thought...you
know, I'd tell you that since-"
"Yeah, yeah," Colin interrupted dismissively. He
scooted around the fire until he sat at
Ryan's side. It was the side he always seemed to sit on.
Strangely, he'd felt not relief, but
disappointment when Ryan had said 'like a brother.' And
that was disturbing--he should
have been relieved. "You're such a sap. God, if
Drew knew-"
"Shut up," Ryan said. "Just shut your
mouth."
"I think I'll tell him," Colin mused. It was, in
its own way, a form of revenge. You just
put me through a few minutes of real hell there, pal.
Making me think you were in love
with me. So, I'm going to torture you.
"Just so he can give you shit."
"You do that and I'll-"
"What? Kiss me again?" Kiss me?
What the hell?
"Kiss you?" Ryan raised both eyebrows.
"How...where did that come from? We
weren't even talking about that."
Nothing much made sense right now. Colin found himself
trapped between confusion
and a crazy, spiraling kind of lust. He wanted to
kiss Ryan. That's what he'd meant.
"Kiss me," he repeated. Not a threat, this time,
but a request.
"Co-" The name got trapped as Colin moved forward
and pressed his lips firmly over
Ryan's. He wasn't conscious about much. Just an
overwhelming and confused rush of
a lot of things. Nothing clear except the relief that
flooded through him when Ryan
kissed back. It wasn't bad for a first non-stage kiss.
At long last, they sat back, flushed and panting. Ryan's eyes
were very green and very
calm. His voice, however, was trembling and uneven.
"Why did you...?"
"Because I wanted to," Colin replied roughly.
"I wanted to kiss you, okay? For real."
"Oh. Well...I...we're not onstage, so if you're not
serious then..."
"Would you shut up so we can do this?"
Ryan's eyes widened. "Do...? Oh. Ah...you
don't mean..."
"Don't you want to? That's what you meant, wasn't it?
About meaning what you say?
You really do want me, right? You're not fucking around
onstage?"
"No." Ryan stood up then, determined, and grabbed
Colin's hand. "Are you sure?
This is awfully quick."
"I don't care," Colin said honestly. He didn't
know what was going on--it was all still
just a bunch of mush around his head--but it didn't matter.
Hell, nothing mattered out
here. "I don't know why or what's happening, but I
just...I know that when you said
you loved me...it...it...it struck a chord, okay?
So...maybe I love you too. Maybe I
want to know."
"Okay," Ryan said. "But only if you're
sure." He peered into Colin's eyes for a long
while, and Colin tried to make his eyes say everything he hadn't
been able to say.
Apparently Ryan saw what he was looking for, because he nodded
and bent down to
kiss Colin again, slowly and gently. "Come on,"
he said quietly.
*
The weekend seemed to stretch out forever, and yet it seemed to
pass in no time at all.
Colin spent it in alternating states of blissful confusion and a
dreamy kind of contentment.
He had never, in all his wildest dreams, expected to become
Ryan's lover, no matter
how briefly. And yet somehow, it made perfect sense. Part
of him had been clamoring
for it all along.
He didn't dwell on it. It was just something that was there;
something that didn't need
to be discussed or worried about. It was sort of like some
intervening hand saw that
there were just some things that needed to be worked out and had
given them this one
weekend in which to do so. Free from guilt and stress and
distraction, they did as well
as they could.
It wasn't half-bad, either, Colin mused as he and Ryan got the
last of their stuff together.
In fact, it was pretty damn great. He'd never really
thought it could be like that, but it
was definitely fun to try something new. And now, there was
no disappointment about
leaving. There was only a sense of closure, that maybe
they'd finished a chapter in part
of their story.
Unspoken, but quite clear, was that they would never speak about
this to anyone.
There was neither need nor desire to do so. Each understood
the consequences.
Besides, this was between them. Whatever feelings they'd
uncovered would stay
between them. They would be expressed in not-quite-innocent
words onstage, in
small gestures, and in shared smiles.
"Ryan," Colin said quietly, as he closed up the rear
door of the rented Suburban.
Ryan looked up from where he was checking over the campground,
his eyebrows
raised. "Hmm?"
"I love you."
A smile lit Ryan's eyes. "Why, I love you too,
Col."
**
The never did get back to the lake again. And maybe...maybe
that's for the best.
[The End]