Two-Way Mirror
by xfphile
Colin Mochrie was in a hurry. His flight out of Vegas left in the morning and he still had to pack. In fact, he was heading for his hotel room to do just that when Drew snagged him and handed him a small slip of paper, asking him to give it to Ryan. Since Ryan’s room adjoined his, Colin had agreed.
Of course, once he’d gotten to his room, he’d started packing and completely forgotten about Ryan’s message. Thus, almost two hours later, a spate of creative cursing had echoed through his room when he’d seen the note and remembered what he’d been asked to do. So, knowing that Ryan was in his room, Colin simply opened the connecting door and stepped inside.
~~~~~~~~~
Ryan Stiles should have been in a hurry. His flight left in the morning and his room looked like a tornado had been through it. At the moment, though, packing was the furthest thing from his mind. The past week had been tense, to say the least, and the last two days had built it up to the point where it was almost unbearable.
So, knowing that the choice was either a raging headache or a raging hard-on, he’d chosen the latter. Ryan took no pleasure in this; if he wanted to get any sleep tonight, he had to eliminate that tension. This was the easiest way to do it.
~~~~~~~~~
Colin froze, his mouth dropping open at the sight in front of him. Ryan was sitting up in bed, a bevy of pillows behind his back; one leg was stretched out, the other was bent, and his hand was moving rhythmically over his rock-hard shaft.
Luckily, Ryan was oblivious to the fact that he was being watched. Colin wanted very badly to be able to leave, but his feet were bolted to the floor . . . and he couldn’t force his eyes to move away from Ryan’s long-fingered hand. He had just enough coherent thought left to wonder at his reaction, but a sudden sharp intake of breath from Ryan caught his full attention. Never one to argue with the inevitable, Colin mentally shrugged and settled back to watch.
~~~~~~~~~
Despite the reason, Ryan found himself starting to enjoy what he was doing and allowed himself to get into the rhythm of things. He wasn’t so far gone that he didn’t hear the door open, though, and opened one eye just enough to see who it was. His best friend was gaping at him and Ryan fought back a grin; he and Colin had been friends for so long that this wouldn’t be embarrassing, but Ryan had something else on his mind.
Over the past few months, he’d noticed that energy seemed to spark when he and Colin were together---and he’d been around the block enough to know attraction when he felt it. In and of itself, that wasn’t a problem; as close as they were, it was bound to happen sooner or later. No, what disturbed him was how much ‘later’ things had flared up . . . and the fact that it wasn’t a passing thing. Ryan had found himself having dreams about Colin in recent weeks and always woke from them with a sense of longing, of something missing, of . . .
A particularly good stroke pulled an involuntary whimper from his throat and broke his train of thought. He could feel Colin’s eyes on him and the knowledge kicked his desire up a notch. Curious, he decided to see what would happen if his hands were replaced with Colin’s, and let loose a deeply-buried fantasy.
Fire instantly raged through his body and Ryan gasped with surprise. He’d had no idea that things would be like this, but he couldn’t stop what was happening. In his mind, he saw Colin kneeling beside him with his hands wrapped around Ryan and his tongue lightly rimming a nipple. His senses reeled under the visual image and he gasped again as pleasure began to flow through him.
“Colin . . .” he groaned, letting his head fall back as he shifted on the bed, his mind emptying of everything but the fantasy he had called up. Vaguely, in a far-off corner of his brain, he thought he heard an answering groan, but Ryan was too far gone to recognize it as his body demanded his full and complete attention.
“Oh, God, Colin . . .”
He never heard the soft footsteps coming toward him.
~~~~~~~~~
Colin fought back a groan as his body began to respond to what he was watching. Ryan still hadn’t noticed him, and Colin licked his lips as Ryan shifted a little, giving him a better look. Colin fought back a gasp as heat suddenly rushed through him and his hands landed on his belt. Without taking his eyes off the compelling sight in front of his hungry eyes, he unbelted and unfastened his trousers.
“Colin . . .”
He froze mid-movement, his jaw dropping and a small groan was torn from his throat as he stared at his best friend. There are some things that can’t be faked, and crying out a name in the middle of a powerful rush of emotion is one of them. Colin swallowed hard as he watched Ryan and suddenly wondered what it would feel like if he replaced Ryan’s hands with his own. Stunned into disbelief at that thought, the one immediately following it nearly shocked him senseless.
Why not find out?
Before Colin had a chance to resist, he found himself walking to the bed. He still couldn’t take his eyes off of Ryan, and when his friend groaned his name again, Colin smiled softly and sank down beside him. Hesitantly, he brought his left hand up and lightly rested it against Ryan’s wrist. A gentle tug brought Ryan’s hand far enough back to give Colin room, and his other hand darted in before he could think about it.
Another groan echoed through the room as warm flesh connected with warm flesh. Ryan was silk and steel and any doubts Colin might have had were drowned in a sudden flare of desire; he pushed Ryan’s other hand out of the way, eager to know just what he could do, how far he could go.
How far Ryan would let him go.
As if he had heard the thought, Ryan pushed into his hands and cried, “Yes! Oh, God, take it! Please . . .”
Colin was too far gone to have any objections and immediately obeyed, bracing one hand on Ryan’s chest to keep them both steady as his mouth descended on the waiting flesh still cradled in his hand.
~~~~~~~~~
Ryan felt his hands being pushed away, but his fevered brain simply took it as part of his fantasy. He’d completely forgotten that Colin was in the room and as those strong hands began to work him, he thrust up and begged, “Yes! Oh, God, take it! Please . . .”
A hand settled itself on his chest and he tried to blink the sweat out of his eyes---only to squeeze them shut when heaven took him. He was engulfed in a hot, wet, sucking world and it was doing things to him that he’d never even dreamed about. The underside of his crown was suddenly raked with gentle teeth and he cried out, fumbling around until his hand landed on a shoulder---and it made no difference to him that it shouldn’t have been there. All he cared about was what that mouth was doing to him.
A remarkably talented tongue suddenly curved itself around his shaft and he gasped with pleasure, tightening his hand and murmuring a name over and over as his orgasm began to build.
“Colin, Colin, Colin . . .”
~~~~~~~~~
Colin couldn’t believe how much he was enjoying this, though the sounds of Ryan’s pleasure sent a smug grin to his lips . . . or would have, had his mouth not been otherwise occupied. He gently scraped his teeth across the sensitive skin of the head and Ryan’s hand clamped onto his shoulder, squeezing tightly. Mentally grinning, Colin began working Ryan with his free hand and felt his friend start to tip over the edge, murmuring Colin’s name. Without missing a beat, Colin pulled back and replaced his mouth with his other hand, fastening his gaze on Ryan’s face.
Ryan didn’t seem to notice; his eyes were closed and his sweat-covered body was matching Colin’s strokes. His lips were wet and a sudden, insane urge swept through the Canadian. He fought the impulse; so far, everything that had happened could be explained as part of Ryan’s fantasy. If he gave in and kissed those inviting lips, they’d never be able to go back.
A sudden soft whimper brought his attention back to Ryan . . . and those soft, pink, kissable lips. His resistance crumpled and he found himself leaning in, blowing a gentle stream of air across Ryan’s jaw. The sensation earned him another whimper and Ryan turned his head, blindly seeking Colin’s touch.
Any restraint Colin had left snapped when Ryan reached for him. Gently, he kissed the corner of that strong jaw and began working his way in, smiling against the flushed skin when a strong arm wrapped around his waist and pulled him closer. His lips suddenly brushed against Ryan’s and he stopped, shifting back slightly in a final moment of contemplation. This was it; there was no going back. With a soft intake of air, Colin leaned forward and claimed Ryan’s mouth in a gentle, tender kiss.
And his world exploded.
~~~~~~~~~
Ryan felt that talented mouth leave him, but before he could voice a protest, it was replaced with a strong, knowing hand. Another wave of pleasure cascaded through him, amplified when he felt a pair of soft lips begin kissing his jaw. He couldn’t have opened his eyes if his life had depended on it, so he turned his head toward those lips, wanting more. Of its own volition, his arm wrapped itself around the body beside him and gently eased it closer. There was a moment of stillness . . . and then his lips were taken in a kiss that was sweet, pure, and loving. It was almost chaste and Ryan smiled as he returned it.
Fantasy had nothing on reality.
And then he exploded, grunting in surprise from the force of his orgasm as Colin sucked in a startled breath. The flood finally ended and Ryan sagged against the pillows, blowing like a racehorse as he tried to bring himself under control. Colin never moved, and Ryan vaguely wondered about that before dropping into a deep, heavy sleep.
~~~~~~~~~
The feeling that shot through him when their mouths met shocked Colin to the core. It felt right, like it was supposed to be that way. Then Ryan returned his kiss and Colin was lost. His hands tightened, urging his friend over the edge, and he smiled slightly as Ryan went. The force of emotion caught him by surprise and he breathed in sharply, breaking the kiss as Ryan finished up. He was clearly exhausted and Colin smiled again as Ryan flopped back against the pillows and almost immediately dropped into sleep.
At that moment, things hit him and he blinked, wondering just what in the world he was going to do. He knew that he could leave and let Ryan believe that it had been his dream, which was probably the wisest course of action; even as the thought crossed his mind, though, he knew that he wouldn’t. The line had been crossed and there was no choice but to see it through.
Sighing softly, Colin kicked off his shoes and socks and wiped Ryan off with a corner of the sheet before moving to the other side of the bed. He watched his friend for a few minutes before shrugging off the introspection, stripping down to his briefs, and sliding under the covers. Hesitantly, he draped an arm over Ryan’s waist and smiled with startled pleasure when the taller man immediately burrowed closer to him. That same sense of rightness returned and with a contented sigh, Colin followed Ryan into fantasyland.
~~~~~~~~~
The gentle caress of a hand across his chest woke Ryan and he smiled, turning into the touch and enjoying the sensation. Suddenly, he wondered who it was---which brought back his memories of the previous night. Something akin to fear shot through his body and he took a deep breath, trying to fight the hope that was welling up inside him. No matter how badly he wanted it to be Colin, there wasn’t a way in hell that it was . . . which begged the question of just who was in his bed. Steeling himself, Ryan opened his eyes---
---and met the sparkling gaze of his best friend.
Stunned speechless, Ryan simply stared, vaguely wondering if this was part of his fantasy. Colin smiled at the look on his face, sliding his hand from Ryan’s chest up to his neck and gently tugging him forward. His lips brushed Ryan’s, earning a quiet moan, and then started exploring his face. Feather-light kisses grazed his jaw, his nose, his chin, his lips . . . the sensations were indescribable and Ryan moaned again. Colin laughed softly before bringing his mouth down on Ryan’s once more.
The gentle touch of his lips woke something deep within Ryan and he surged upward, pushing Colin onto his back and moving to straddle him. He sat up almost immediately, breaking the kiss and staring deeply into his best friend’s eyes. Colin gazed back, his expression open and unguarded and telling Ryan everything he needed to know. Nodding slowly, he bent down and kissed Colin, content for the moment to keep things light. Their kiss was tender and exploratory, until Colin shifted beneath him. Ryan moaned at the feeling and his tongue flicked out, silently asking his friend’s permission to deepen the kiss.
There was a short wait of an eternity while Colin thought it over and Ryan began to get nervous. Fearing that he had pushed things too far and too fast, he started to draw back. Strong hands suddenly clamped onto his buttocks, holding him firmly in place, and Ryan swallowed. Cautiously, his tongue brushed along Colin’s lips again, and this time, they parted.
Colin tasted incredible; Ryan couldn’t think of the words to describe it. All he knew was that it was a heady, addictive taste that he wanted more of. Colin’s tongue suddenly slipped past his and Ryan gasped as Colin began exploring his mouth.
Oh, God . . . he thought vaguely before Colin wrapped his tongue around Ryan’s, drawing them into a seductive dance. Ryan finally abandoned his attempts to think and let himself fully respond. After waiting for so long, he and Colin were finally together---complete---and if he had any say in the matter, they were going to stay that way for a very long time.
On the heels of that thought, Colin broke their kiss and pushed Ryan back a little. Puzzled, he studied his friend and noted his sparkling eyes and swollen lips with a sense of possessive pride. Then those lips parted and Ryan’s entire world flipped on its axis as Colin rasped out two short sentences.
“Take me. Please.”
~~~~~~~~~
Colin woke slowly, feeling refreshed for the first time in almost three months. He was enveloped in warmth and smiled in satisfaction as memories of the previous night came back to him; it faded as he realized that he and Ryan needed to talk and he felt a sudden, overwhelming urge to get up and leave before Ryan woke up and found him there.
Before he could act on that impulse, the man in his arms suddenly shifted and Colin’s smile returned as he considered how good it felt to be holding Ryan like this. He ran an exploratory hand over Ryan’s chest, his smile widening when the other man leaned into the touch.
His caresses continued as he watched Ryan slowly drag himself out of sleep and open his eyes. The trepidation in that green gaze caught him by surprise before he remembered that Ryan probably thought last night had been nothing more than a very vivid fantasy. Figuring that the best way to disabuse Ryan of the notion was to show him that those memories were real, he simply waited, his eyes never leaving his friend’s.
The trepidation was gradually replaced by fearful hope and Colin smiled again, sliding his hand from Ryan’s chest up to his neck and gently pulling the other man into a kiss. It was as gentle as their first kiss had been and Colin relished in the feeling before breaking away and brushing his lips all over Ryan’s face. A quiet moan was his reward and Colin chuckled quietly before claiming Ryan’s mouth once more.
A split second later, he found himself flat on his back and staring up into Ryan’s darkening green eyes. Then Ryan broke the kiss and sat up, his gaze still boring into Colin’s. Puzzled but not worried, Colin let him look, wondering at the serious expression he saw. It took him a few seconds to realize that Ryan was asking if he really wanted this and he fought back a powerful surge of emotion. Instead, he let his eyes tell Ryan everything he needed to know. The other man nodded and bent down, gently kissing him.
The kiss was light and Colin was more than willing to let things stay that way, but his leg was trying to cramp. He shifted a little to ease the pressure and heard a choked moan. Then he felt a tongue skim across his lips, asking permission to deepen their kiss, and he hesitated. There was no denying that he wanted this, but he and Ryan needed to talk.
Before he could become paralyzed with indecision, Colin felt Ryan start to pull away and instinctively reacted. His hands attached themselves to the closest body part and prevented Ryan from moving. They stayed like that for a few seconds before Ryan’s tongue flicked out, again asking if he could deepen their kiss. In a rare moment of impulse, Colin threw caution to the wind and parted his lips.
Ryan immediately darted inside, sliding his tongue across Colin’s and eagerly exploring the rest of his mouth. Colin waited patiently in the background for a while, content to enjoy his lover’s attentions. When Ryan had double-checked everything, Colin slipped his tongue over Ryan’s and ducked into his mouth, swallowing the other man’s gasp as he entwined their tongues. He felt himself spiraling out of control and willingly went, yearning for something that only Ryan could give him.
An urgent need for air suddenly struck him and he broke the kiss, breathing heavily and staring at Ryan. A small corner of his brain noticed the smug look in the other man’s eyes, but he paid it no mind. His desperation made him clumsy and it took two tries before he could get his plea out.
“Take me. Please.”
~~~~~~~~~
The effect those choked out words had on Ryan was immediate. He rolled off the bed and stared at Colin, feeling like a bucket of ice water had gotten dumped on him. His best friend was looking back at him, disbelief clearly showing in his eyes. Ryan shook his head quickly, wondering how to explain this sudden attack of sanity, and was trying to find the right words when Colin spoke.
“Ryan? Why . . . what is it?”
The sentence was hushed and fearful; Ryan closed his eyes, trying to ignore the fear, and finally found the words to explain what had happened to him.
“This isn’t right, Colin,” he said softly, looking down as he spoke. There was a long moment of silence, but he continued before Colin could get his bearings.
“Why are we doing this,
Here he paused and waited, gauging Colin’s reaction. The other man nodded slowly, a thoughtful expression crossing his face. Feeling like he was on firmer ground, Ryan took a deep breath and continued.
“Don’t thi---it’s not that I don’t want this, Col. Don’t ever think that. It’s just . . . I need to know why you’re doing this. I mean, you have a wife and son consider.”
Despite his best attempt, Ryan’s voice grew bitter at his last words. He still hadn’t forgiven Pat for leaving and taking his children with her---and getting a court order forbidding him to have any contact with them. Colin knew, of course; he’d spent two days at Ryan’s side when it happened, keeping his best friend together by sheer force of will. That memory was in his voice now as he answered.
“I know, Ryan. Believe me---I know very well. But I also know that I’ve been thinking about this for a while, and we need to get things settled between us.”
“Hey,” Ryan snorted. “No argument here. I just don’t want you flying out of her---”
“Shit!” Colin exploded, looking at the watch he still wore. “My flight leaves in twenty minutes!”
He started to jump out of the bed, but Ryan crossed the room in two strides and grabbed his shoulder, holding him in place.
“I’ll buy you a damn plane ticket,” he growled. “But we’re going to get this settled and we’re going to do it now.”
Colin stopped trying to get up and looked up his friend, his eyes wide with surprise. Ryan had a very commanding presence, but he’d never used it on Colin before. Fortunately, Ryan took no notice of his reaction and simply kept talking.
“I’ve been having dreams about
you,
His voice softened as he spoke and his last sentence begged Colin to have some kind of solution.
The man on the bed frowned slightly and bit his lip, looking away from Ryan’s intense gaze as he thought. Ryan stayed where he was; the ball was in Colin’s court now.
All he could do was wait.
~~~~~~~~~
It took Colin a minute to realize that Ryan was no longer in his arms and it took a little longer before he could start to wonder why. His eyes landed on Ryan’s face and he searched anxiously for any signs that would explain what was going on. Ryan met his gaze and Colin swallowed at what he saw in those deep green eyes. This was not going to be pleasant . . . but he had to know.
“Ryan? Why . . . what is it?”
Colin heard the fear in his voice and mentally cursed; Ryan didn’t need to know that his best friend was afraid of him. Then Ryan closed his eyes, breaking his intense gaze, and spoke.
“This isn’t right, Colin,” he murmured, looking down as he said it.
Colin blinked and started to object, but Ryan continued before he could gather his thoughts.
“Why are we doing this,
There was a long moment of silence; Ryan was clearly waiting for a response, but Colin couldn’t find the words. All he could do was nod as the truth in Ryan’s words became clear to him, but the other man took his silence as an invitation to continue and drew in a deep breath.
“Don’t thi---it’s not that I don’t want this, Col. Don’t ever think that. It’s just . . . I need to know why you’re doing this. I mean, you have a wife and son consider.”
Colin winced when he heard the bitterness in Ryan’s voice. He knew what had happened; an incoherent phone call in the middle of the night had brought him to Ryan’s side and he’d stayed there for two days, trying desperately to keep the man from falling completely to pieces. He’d succeeded---barely---but he couldn’t make it stop hurting any less. Still . . .
“I know, Ryan. Believe me---I know very well. But I also know that I’ve been thinking about this for a while, and we need to get things settled between us.”
With a grunt of agreement, Ryan said, “Hey, no argument here. I just don’t want you flying out of her---”
His words reminded Colin of his flight home and he looked at his watch; the time confirmed his fear and he sat bolt upright.
“Shit!” he cried. “My flight leaves in twenty minutes!”
As he started to get off the bed, a strong hand clamped onto his shoulder and held him where he was.
“I’ll buy you a damn plane ticket,” Ryan snapped, his grip tightening. “But we’re going to get this settled and we’re going to do it now.”
Stunned, Colin stared at him. When he wanted to, Ryan had a very commanding presence, but he’d never used it on Colin---and the result was wasn’t what anyone was expecting. Shock changed to disbelief as excitement began to curl through Colin’s body; he looked down to hide what he knew was shining from his eyes and prayed that Ryan hadn’t noticed his reaction. A silent plea to keep his friend from dropping any more surprises in his lap went unnoticed.
“I’ve been having dreams about you,
The last sentence brought Colin’s head up and he studied Ryan carefully. He had started out aggressively, but his last sentence had been almost whispered and slightly . . . desperate? Colin frowned and bit his lip, wondering how to get them out of this. Ryan was right in saying that this couldn’t be a one-night stand, but Colin wasn’t sure that he was ready for a full-blown relationship with his extremely masculine best friend. He was equally uncertain as to whether or not he could lie to his wife and son.
And there it is, Colin thought nervously. The heart of the issue. He’d been fooling himself with his earlier ruminations, even though he was right. The real problem was what he was going to do about Deb and Luke. He loved Deb, but Luke was his life---and even as he thought it, Colin knew that it wasn’t entirely correct. There was something missing in that equation and he finally began to realize what it was.
The signs had been there for months: the amount of time he spent with his wife, for instance; he’d begun looking for excuses to keep him away from the house. The fact that he was always glad to see Ryan, even when they were fighting, and the bond of friendship that had sustained him for almost twenty-five years.
Thinking about their long-standing friendship opened a floodgate and memories began flooding through his mind. He had met Ryan while he was doing theatre sports and there had been an immediate spark; when Ryan had been agonizing over asking Pat to marry him, Colin had been there every step of the way. And when he was dying inside because Pat had left him, Colin had been the one he’d called.
It went both ways, too. Ryan had been the one to introduce him to Deb because Colin was afraid, kept him from bolting at his wedding, and had stayed at his side when his son was born. And he couldn’t forget the way they had been, either: two young, starving comedians, desperate for a break; it had been them against the world and Colin had never doubted they would make it. With Ryan at his side, there wasn’t anything they couldn’t do.
Shaking his head, Colin smiled ruefully. He had made his choice a long time ago; he just hadn’t realized it. The knowledge brought a long-missing sense of completion to his heart and he drew in a deep breath, lifting his head and meeting Ryan’s eyes. Colin kept it simple; they would have plenty of time to work things out when he got back.
“I have to go see Deb,” he told his lover quietly. Ryan nodded wordlessly, disappointment filling his eyes as he looked down. Colin laughed softly as he got off the bed and went to Ryan. With loving hands, he tipped the other man’s chin up and caught his gaze, asking Ryan to trust him again.
“And then I’ll come home to you.”
~~~~~~~~~
It took every bit of self-control that Ryan possessed to keep from fidgeting while Colin thought over his words. The silence was suffocating, but Ryan couldn’t bring himself to break it. Something told him that what happened here would determine the course of his relationship with Colin, and nothing was worth risking that. Nothing.
As he watched his friend, memories began to tumble through his head: he’d been joking with some of his friends during a theatre sport and had seen Colin standing by himself, wistfully watching the three of them. Sensing that the slightly-balding man would be important to his future, Ryan had tossed an open-ended joke at him, inviting him to play. Colin had accepted the invitation . . . and Ryan’s world had changed forever.
He smiled slightly as he remembered the night that Colin, more than a little tipsy from the success of their first official gig, had streaked across the stage of their favorite club---and had gotten so many requests for a repeat performance that the owner of the club had hired them on as regulars. His smile widened when he remembered how nervous Colin had been when he first introduced Deb to his friend and turned bittersweet as the memory of the immediate spark between the two came to him. Even then, it seemed, he’d felt something stronger than friendship for Colin.
Colin suddenly shook his head, drawing Ryan back to the present, and he watched his friend carefully for any hint of what he was going to say. His eyes met Colin’s steadily as the other man took a deep breath, and he waited stoically, trying to be prepared for whatever he heard.
“I have to go see Deb,” Colin told him softly. Pain knifed through him and he looked down, fighting to keep his composure as he began to realize what he’d lost. He’d never trade razor-sharp barbs with Colin again, or laugh at some stupid thing he’d done, or hold him when he dozed off after a long day at work, or---
Colin chuckled quietly and a gentle hand suddenly pulled his chin up; puzzled, he met the other man’s sparkling brown eyes, wondering what was going on. He was scared to death, but he couldn’t have moved if the earth had opened up at his feet. One way or another, he had to see this through. Colin’s eyes changed then, and filled with a look that took Ryan a few seconds to recognize. He was asking Ryan to trust him. Letting his eyes answer, Ryan straightened his shoulders and waited.
He didn’t have to wait for long.
“And then I’ll come home to you.”
~~~~~~~~~
Interlude:
Colin returned to
Deb could do nothing but accept her son’s decision and
the divorce proceedings went quickly. A little over four months after he’d
arrived, Colin left
For the first two months of their separation, Colin
stayed in close contact with Ryan, keeping him apprised of the situation and
sharing his desire to simply pack only what they needed and move to
However, as things progressed with Deb and Luke, Colin
often got too busy or forgot to call. He felt guilty the first time it
happened, but found that it got easier and easier to do. As much as he loved
Ryan, he sometimes felt resentful of the circumstances that forced him to
choose between his safe, settled existence and the passionate life he could
have if he was willing to take the chance.
Colin never really doubted his decision, but his
four-month absence from Ryan gave him a lot of time to think. And so, when he
finally left
Unfortunately, it never really occurred to him what the
loss of contact would do to his lover.
Broken-hearted, Ryan sank into a deep depression and
shut himself off from the world at large, grieving for what he thought he had lost.
Nothing could comfort him and his friends grew increasingly concerned for his
health. Drew finally gave in and called Colin’s house---only to be informed, to
his everlasting shock, that Colin no longer lived there.
Drew was of two minds about the news; on the one hand,
it explained a great deal about Ryan’s behavior over the past few months; it
also confirmed what Drew had suspected for years but could never prove. The
downside was that no one could find Colin. Deb didn’t know his whereabouts and
if Luke did, he wasn’t telling.
Drew was getting desperate when, one day of out the blue, he got a phone call.
~~~~~~~~~
The piercing ring of the phone cut through the quiet afternoon. Drew had spent another fruitless morning attempting to pull Ryan out of his increasing depression and wanted nothing more than a few hours to curse everyone involved in the situation.
Thus, the ringing of the phone came as no surprise to him.
He took a few deep breaths to calm himself before picking the phone up.
“Hello?” he asked, his voice more-or-less even.
“Well, how’s my favorite Drew?” a very welcome, very familiar voice teased.
“Colin!?” Drew gasped, hugging the receiver to his ear as he flopped down in a chair. Relief flooded through him at the knowledge that Colin was alive and apparently well. It rapidly changed to anger when Colin’s cheerful, carefree tone registered.
“Are you someone else’s favorite Drew?” Colin replied, the smile in his voice clear.
“Where the hell are you!?” Drew spat furiously, his expression darkening with worry and anger as he remembered all the times over the last two months that he had held Ryan while the other man grieved over Colin’s disappearance.
To his credit, Colin wasn’t insulted by his tone; instead, concern colored his voice as he asked, “What happened?”
Drew laughed bitterly and said, “‘What happened?’ You’re best friend has gone mental! That’s what happened!!”
There was a moment of silence and then---
“Don’t leave,” Colin snapped. “I’ll be there in five minutes.”
And before Drew could respond, the phone went dead. He looked at it in bemusement before replacing it on the base.
How is he going to be here in five minutes? Drew wondered as he walked restlessly around the house. A sharp knock at his door answered his question and he blinked in surprise.
Colin, however, was too impatient to wait for him to answer the door and simply walked in, his eyes scanning the room. Relief came to his eyes when he saw Drew standing by the phone and he quickly headed to his friend.
They shared a quick hug before Colin pulled away and leveled Drew with a hard look.
“Tell me,” was all he said.
Drew obeyed, giving a very succinct explanation of everything that had happened to Ryan over the past two months. Halfway through the recital, Colin sank down onto the couch with shock filling his eyes. When Drew finally fell silent, the Canadian buried his face in his hands; his posture screamed the guilt he felt and Drew felt his anger melting away. He gave the other man a few minutes to process things before quietly asking Colin what was going on.
Colin laughed; the sound was so harsh that Drew winced, but he didn’t back down. His voice clipped, Colin gave Drew the Reader’s Digest version of the past four months His explanation cleared up several things for Drew, but he still had a few questions.
“So,” he asked when Colin had finished. “Why have you waited so long to call him?”
A deep sigh was his answer and Drew frowned. “You realize that you’re going to have to explain this to Ryan,” he pointed out. “You might as well practice now.”
Colin snorted at the transparent ploy but spoke anyway.
“I wanted to wait until I had a house and was completely settled in. That way, we could concentrate on each other and not have to worry about being interrupted until we’d gotten things worked out.”
“Well, that makes sense,” Drew said, fighting the urge to shake his head at the antics these two could come up with. “But when he hits you, come here. I’ll have an ice pack waiting.”
Colin tried to laugh his warning off, but a shadow of worry still darkened his eyes, and Drew laid a sympathetic hand on his shoulder.
“Go,” he said, his voice turning serious. “Just . . . let me know what happens, okay?”
“Just for you,” Colin replied as he got to his feet and headed for the door.
“Hey, Colin,” Drew called, stopping the other man mid-step. He turned, his eyebrows raised.
“Good luck.”
Colin smiled and bowed slightly, his eyes expressing his deep thanks, before stepping outside and closing the door.
Behind him, Drew sighed and offered a mental prayer that they could get this worked out.
Fate, watching from above, smiled enigmatically.
~~~~~~~~~
Ryan stared, unseeing, at the door. Drew had been gone for a while, but his last words wouldn’t leave Ryan’s mind: I know you love him, Ryan, but . . . please, for your sake and ours, don’t let this destroy you. We love you, too, you know, and we always will.
With a grunt, Ryan got to his feet and looked down with distaste at his wrinkled, tear-stained shirt before walking slowly to his bathroom. He felt Colin’s absence with a keenness that was painful, but Drew was right. It was time to start living again.
As the hot water cascaded over his body, Ryan lost himself in the memory of that day in his hotel room. Even though it had been the only time he and Colin had made love, it had been worth every second of the wait. It wasn’t quite worth the pain, but Ryan shrugged that off philosophically. Not everything in life was sunshine and roses.
A sudden burst of cold water made him gasp and back out of the spray. He laughed derisively at himself and turned the water off, wringing the washcloth out and grabbing a towel as he went to his bedroom. Eschewing underwear, he pulled on a clean pair of jeans and grabbed a shirt; a knock on the door turned that very same shirt into a crumpled mess when he fisted his hand.
Even though he knew that Drew was right, Ryan couldn’t help the irrational hope that this time, Colin would be at the door. A foolish hope, yes, but one that wouldn’t disappear overnight. So, blowing out a deep breath, Ryan tossed his shirt on the bed, went to the door, and opened it.
Colin was staring back at him.
For a split second, Ryan thought he was dreaming . . . until he found himself with an armful of warm, sweet-smelling Colin. Of their own accord, his arms tightened until the shorter man was crushed against him. Colin was murmuring inaudibly into his neck in between quick kisses and Ryan drank in the sensations. He felt like he’d been saved from drowning and knew it was true.
As if he had read his mind, Colin pulled back and looked deeply into Ryan’s eyes. He held the intense gaze, content to let the other man look, and filled his senses with Colin. It had been so long and Ryan felt a deep sense of contentment wash over him. He knew that a long talk was coming, but for these few minutes, he could pretend that everything was all right.
Colin took a step toward him, breaking his train of thought, and Ryan’s chin came up as he steadily regarded the other man. Colin smiled softly as he closed the distance between them and settled his hands on Ryan’s shoulders. The taller man shivered and clasped his arms around Colin’s waist. He bent down a little and tilted his head, his lips stretching in a smile when he saw the anticipation flare in Colin’s eyes.
Taking a deep breath, Ryan angled his head a little more as Colin rose to meet him. Their lips brushed together in a fleeting touch and Ryan sucked in a quick breath as they came together again in another gentle kiss. They were more sure of themselves this time and Ryan smiled as he pulled back and met Colin’s eyes. The love he saw calmed him and he bent down again, claiming Colin’s mouth in a kiss that said ‘home.’ It also said ‘mine’ and Ryan smiled again when he felt Colin sigh and surrender to him. Their tongues twined together and he pulled Colin closer, rediscovering a taste he’d nearly forgotten.
A low moan echoed around the room as Colin ran one hand across Ryan’s still-damp chest and buried the other in his hair. The tenor of the kiss changed and Ryan pulled back, gasping at the intensity and staring into Colin’s desire-darkened eyes. The hand on his chest suddenly skated down and attacked his jeans. Within seconds, Colin had the denim open and was gently stroking the hard flesh waiting for him. Ryan let his head fall back as he groaned and pressed closer.
Colin’s other hand tightened in his hair and pulled his
head down. Their lips met in a gentle kiss and Ryan felt Colin’s smile. With a
smile of his own, he pulled back and whispered, “It’s been so long,
To his surprise, those softly spoken words made Colin tense and step away completely. Puzzled, Ryan studied his friend and caught the guilt that he should have seen earlier. His heart sank at the expression on Colin’s face and he stepped back, zipping his pants and trying not to look at the man who held his heart.
A softly muttered curse met his ears and then Colin was gently forcing his head around, trying to capture his eyes. Ryan fought him, but it was only a token show of resistance and they both knew it, so he gave in with a sigh. Colin echoed it as he led Ryan to the couch and the fear that the taller man had been fighting burst to the surface.
Colin swore again when he felt it and tightened his grip; Ryan felt the love and reassurance, but it wasn’t enough to overcome one night of passion and three months of no contact, and he shook his head in denial.
“Colin---”
“No, wait,” Colin
interrupted, putting a finger to Ryan’s lips. Despite his confusion, Ryan
automatically responded by flicking his tongue over the soft fingertip, which
made Colin suck in a quick breath and jerk his hand away.
“Don’t . . . don’t do that,”
he said shakily.
“Why?”
Because I don’t want to
be reminded of what I’ll lose when you find out what an inconsiderate asshole
I’ve been.
“Just . .
. because I can’t think when you do that.”
“Oh,” Ryan replied, smiling
slightly. It felt good to know he still had that effect on Colin. He was
beginning to wonder if Colin still had any feelings for him. After the long
absence . . . but then he had been greeted so enthusiastically. He could still
feel the echo of Colin’s lips on his, the sure touch of his hand . . .
Ryan shook his head. Now he
was even more confused.
“Colin, where have you been?
Did . . . did something happen? Is everything all right?”
Do you still want to be with me? Did you change your mind?
Those were the questions
that Ryan really wanted to ask, but he didn’t. Maybe because they implied a
lack of faith in Colin’s promise to come home to him. Or maybe just because he
was afraid of what the answer would be.
Colin seemed to hear the
unasked questions, and his shoulders slumped a little more. He couldn’t meet
Ryan’s eyes. Those earnest, hopeful, hurt eyes. He had never wanted to hurt
Ryan, but . . . things had just happened that way. And maybe some part of him
did resent Ryan for forcing him to give up his safe, stable family, but that
wasn’t fair. It had been his decision. Making Ryan suffer for it this way was
unreasonable . . . not to mention moronic.
Unfortunately, sometimes
people do stupid things.
“Everything is all right,
Ryan. I’ve been in
Colin paused, gauging Ryan’s
reaction and frowning inwardly when Ryan just shook his head slightly, still
looking confused. He opened his mouth, and Colin knew what the question was
going to be before it even came out. It was almost scary sometimes, how well he
knew Ryan.
And he was in danger of
losing that closeness. Oh God, Ryan, I’m so sorry. Please, please forgive me
for this.
“Why . . . why did you stop
calling me?” Ryan asked slowly, staring down at his hands. Even after all this
time, there was still a pale circle on his ring finger. Sometimes he still
found himself reaching for his wedding ring to fiddle with it when he was
nervous. Like now.
“I . . . I don’t know,
exactly. I didn’t really mean to; it just kinda . . . happened.” Colin winced
slightly---the words sounded so hollow and worthless.
“What?” Ryan’s expression
was unreadable, his voice carefully controlled. Colin bit his lip when he heard
it, knowing that this was not a good sign.
“Well, it seemed to make sense at the time. I mean, I was so busy with the custody battle and all that, getting the details worked out, and I was still working too. I was doing taping for two shows and I had a couple of commercials, and . . . you know . . . ”
I got busy. And I just
didn’t bother to call you because I had other priorities. Oh yeah. That’s going
to go over real well.
“So . . . you just . . .
didn’t call? Because you were . . . busy?” Ryan’s voice was ominously soft, and
Colin swallowed, feeling his chest tighten nervously.
“It’s not like that, Ryan,” Colin
began, and then paused. Actually, it was exactly like that. It just hadn’t
seemed that way at the time. “I wanted to come here and get a house for us, get
everything ready, because we’d been waiting so long; I just wanted everything
to be perfect, you know?”
“Do you . . . do you even
know what I’ve been going through?” Ryan asked. His jaw was slack, and he shook
his head in disbelief. Colin looked away, unable to face the hurt in Ryan’s
eyes.
“I heard about some of it
from Drew.”
Ryan didn’t seem to hear him. He was just getting started. “Do you know what I thought? When you just stopped talking to me? When no one knew where you were or what you were doing? Do you know how crazy I’ve been going over this? Well, do you?”
Now his voice wasn’t soft. It
was rising, both in pitch and volume, and on the last question it cracked
slightly. Colin winced visibly.
“Ryan, I’m sorry. I didn’t
think it would bother you---”
“What? You didn’t think it
would bother me? You didn’t think it would bother me?! You just drop off
the face of the earth and I’m supposed to be fine with that? I thought you
never wanted to see me again! I thought you had changed your mind and decided
to stay with Deb and Luke! Or even worse: that you had been in an accident or
something. I had dreams where I saw you lying in a hospital bed somewhere, all
covered in bandages, with those little monitors beeping away next to you. I had
nightmares where those monitors stopped beeping, and I wasn’t there, because I
couldn’t find you! And you didn’t think it would bother me?”
Ryan was shouting, gesturing
wildly with his big hands. Colin didn’t know what to say, so he followed his
improv instincts: just open your mouth, and hope something good comes out.
“Ryan, no, I would never
change my mind. I told you I would come home to you, and I meant it. I love
you.”
The words hung in the air.
Ryan just stared at him, and for a moment, Colin thought it would be okay. He
could see Ryan’s eyes softening, some of the anger melting away to be replaced
by relief. He realized that Ryan had been genuinely afraid that his feelings
had changed and his shoulders slumped a little more as the weight of the guilt
increased.
It took Ryan a few seconds
to understand Colin’s words. At first, there was only sweeping relief, and an
almost painful joy at knowing that Colin still felt the same way about him. But . . . no. If Colin really loved him, then why had he
simply forgotten about him? Why the long silence? Ryan wanted to believe it was
true, he really did, but he had spent the last three months coming to terms
with the idea that Colin didn’t want to be with him. He couldn’t just switch
his whole concept of their relationship that quickly, based on Colin’s say-so.
“You sure have a funny way
of showing it,” Ryan said quietly, shaking his head. Colin reached out for him,
but Ryan pulled away. It hurt him impossibly to do it, but he did. As much as
he wanted to hold Colin again, he’d already decided that the sweetness wasn’t
worth the pain that might follow. That one wonderful time in the hotel room had
been outweighed by everything that came after it. He just couldn’t risk it
again.
Colin’s arms slowly dropped
as it became obvious that Ryan wasn’t going to accept the embrace. He felt his
stomach do a strange, knotted flip and he swallowed, blinking rapidly. He had
told Ryan the truth, and apologized, told him he loved him, and . . . it wasn’t
enough. There was nothing else he could do. Colin knew he should stop, let it
go, rather than making it worse, but he couldn’t just give up. Not on Ryan.
“Ryan, please---”
“No. I . . . you hurt me.
For no good reason, you hurt me. Can you understand that I don’t have any
guarantee you won’t do it again? I can’t . . . I can’t do this right now. I
need some time to think.”
Ryan refused to meet his
eyes. He just kept staring down at his hands, biting his lip. Colin reached out
for him again, but pulled back before his fingers could make contact. Even now,
Ryan’s skin looked so very inviting, smooth and warm and delightfully tempting.
But he had lost that. At least Ryan had said he would think about it. Maybe . .
. maybe he would calm down. Maybe he would be forgiving.
Maybe.
Ryan showed no emotion as Colin slowly walked to the door and left without looking back.
~~~~~~~~~
That short forty-five minutes in Ryan’s living room played themselves over and over in Colin’s mind as he verbally cursed himself in five languages (three of which he didn’t speak and one that shouldn’t be used in polite conversation). He had no specific destination in mind, but wasn’t surprised when he found himself back at Drew’s. A quick glance told him that the comedian was still home and with a deep breath, Colin rang the doorbell.
A cheery “Coming!” came to his ears and Colin shifted nervously at the thought of telling Drew just how badly he had fucked up. Before he could turn and bolt, the door swung open and he was staring into Drew’s startled eyes. A split second later, he found himself being yanked into the house and blinking rapidly in the dimness.
Something cold hit his hands and Colin gasped in surprise as the feeling. A laugh was torn from his throat as he looked down and saw the ice pack that Drew had promised. Memory of that conversation made him remember where he was and Colin swallowed hard as he hesitantly looked up. The other man was gazing sympathetically at him and Colin offered him a wan smile. Drew didn’t return it and Colin nodded slowly as he sat down, his hands absently working the ice pack as he struggled to find the right words.
“I take it that things didn’t go well?” Drew asked, breaking his concentration.
“Yeah, you could say that,” Colin muttered bitterly.
“I’m sorry, man,” Drew said softly, gently putting a hand on his shoulder. “But you two didn’t . . . you’re not . . .”
“I don’t know,” Colin replied quietly, his heart thudding painfully at the reminder of what he had lost. “I just don’t know.”
~~~~~~~~~
Drew regarded the man sitting on his couch with sympathy, though it was tinged with aggravation. He could tell that this was killing Colin and couldn’t help but worry that he and Ryan would never get things worked out. At the same time, he knew that if Colin had just acted like a man and kept in touch with Ryan, this wouldn’t be happening. He did, however, have enough sense to keep his mouth shut. Something told him that if he said something, Colin would hit him.
On the heels of that thought, Colin looked up with eyes that were full of loss and whispered, “Can I stay here for a while, Drew? I don’t---I can’t---”
“Sure,” Drew interrupted softly, his heart aching for his friend and his irritation melting away. “But if I were you, I’d go ahead and tell me everything. Because when you and Ryan talk again---and you will---” he stressed as Colin started to object, “you’re going to want to be concise. Besides,” he teased gently, “you know that I won’t leave you alone until you tell me.”
With a deep sigh, Colin glared briefly at Drew before sagging against the couch and nodding. “All right, big guy,” he said quietly. “You win.”
Two hours and a bottle of brandy later, Drew looked at Colin through bleary eyes, disbelief etched on his face, and choked out, “My God, Colin. What the hell were you thinking?”
In contrast to his somewhat inebriated friend and boss, Colin looked perfectly sober---and absolutely miserable. His answer reflected his emotional state and Drew winced when he heard it.
“I wasn’t thinking Drew---except---except that maybe I resented him for asking me to choose. And even though he had every right to ask and I willingly made the choice, it still hurts.”
Drew opened his mouth to answer, but his doorbell stopped him. Sighing heavily, he heaved himself to his feet and slowly walked toward the front door, hoping that whoever was there would think that he wasn’t home and leave. It was wishful thinking and he knew it, but that didn’t stop the thought, and he was two steps away when the doorbell rang again. Drew brought his emotions under control, took a deep breath, and prepared himself to throw whoever it was off his property. Colin needed him and Drew had no intention of subjecting him to people before he was ready. With that in mind, he pulled open the door---and froze.
Ryan Stiles was looking back at him.
~~~~~~~~~
“Fuck.”
The word came from all three of them and Colin fought back a burst of hysteria-tinged laughter as he realized that the source of every emotion he possessed was standing in Drew’s front door. Bitterly, he acknowledged that he was fighting back laughter to keep from breaking down into sobs, and looked down, biting his lip to keep from spilling his emotions all over the floor. A gentle hand suddenly landed on his shoulder and Colin shivered. He knew who it was, but he also knew that he wasn’t ready to face the situation at hand.
“Ryan . . .”
Drew’s voice sounded strained and Colin snorted softly. It was too late to worry about feelings at this stage of the game and everybody knew it. Ryan felt the tension in his frame and slowly removed his hand, clearing his throat and looking around awkwardly. Colin fought back another harsh laugh as he realized that even though he wasn’t looking at his lover, he could still see every move he made. His heart nearly broke as understanding washed through him.
“Yeah,” Ryan said heavily, his voice thick with suppressed emotion. The tone got Colin’s attention and he looked up, his gaze immediately landing on Ryan. The other man met his eyes briefly but immediately looked away, and Colin winced at the fresh onslaught of pain that went through him. For the first time in over twenty years, he and his best friend weren’t comfortable with each other. If he had needed any more proof that he and Ryan were over, it had just been handed to him a silver platter.
“I should go,” Ryan finished quietly, his voice dull.
Alarmed, Colin looked up, but his protest died on his lips when he saw Ryan’s eyes, and he sank back against the couch cushions.
“I don’t think so,” Drew said softly.
It took a minute for his words to register for Colin, but Ryan had no such difficulty.
“I beg your pardon?” he asked, his words etched in acid. Colin flinched, but Drew straightened and mildly said, “Don’t start. You two are going to work this out if I have to lock you in the bathroom and call the guys to stand guard.”
One look into his eyes told Colin that the ex-Marine meant every word he said and he swallowed hard. He desperately needed to talk to Ryan and didn’t want to wait, but not if the conversation started out with Ryan angry and resentful. Luckily for everybody, he’d underestimated Drew.
“Look, Ryan, I know that you’re upset---and I know why. But I also know that you’re overreacting . . . and I think you know it, too.”
“Overreacting!?” Ryan spluttered, his face going red.
“Yes,” Drew said firmly. “Colin fucked up. Who hasn’t? And when, in the twenty-three years that you’ve known each other, have you kept in constant contact? I’m not talking about just regular phone calls and e-mail, either; I mean calling every day and sharing every minute detail. Hmm? I know what your schedule is like and unless you’ve found a way to add six hours to your day, you don’t have the time---and we all know that Colin doesn’t.”
The man in question kept his mouth shut as Drew argued his case for him. If this worked and Drew got Ryan to agree to stay and work things out, Colin knew that he’d need everything he had to set things right. So, he simply stayed where he was and did his best to blend into the couch fabric.
“All right, I’ll admit that,” Ryan answered grudgingly. “But that doesn’t explain two solid months of nothing: no phone calls, no letters . . . hell, I didn’t even get a fucking postcard!”
“I know,” Drew soothed. “I was there, remember? And I think a lot of this is because he was calling you every day. You got used to it, and then there was nothing. If you guys had been keeping in normal contact, it wouldn’t have bothered you nearly as much.”
“Yeah,” Ryan muttered, his brow wrinkling slightly.
Colin glanced up when he heard the thoughtful tone in Ryan's voice. He was looking at his hands, frowning, and Colin watched him. Feeling his lover's gaze, Ryan lifted his head, and their eyes met again. The moment stretched uncomfortably until Drew cleared his throat.
“So, are you two going to talk, or should I break out the duct tape and leather?”
Despite himself, Ryan snorted laughter, and Colin chuckled in that quiet way he had. Some of the tension evaporated from the room.
“Uh . . . I don't think that's going to be necessary, Drew," Ryan said quietly. "But keep them on hand for later, okay?”
Colin grinned at him for a moment before sobering. All teasing aside, they still had a lot to talk about. Ryan's own smile faded, and he sighed, dropping into a nearby chair. Colin suppressed a twinge of disappointment that Ryan hadn't chosen to share the couch with him. At least he was willing to talk. Colin could feel the tightness in his chest easing.
“So, can I trust you two not to kill each other if I leave the room?”
Drew meant well, but this time the joke fell flat. Ryan ducked his head guiltily, remembering the way he had yelled at Colin. He had a temper; that was common knowledge. And sure, he'd lost it on Colin a few times over the long course of their friendship. But it seemed worse now, almost as if he should be gentler and more forgiving with Colin now that they were lovers. But didn't he have a right to yell? Hadn't Colin put him second to work and the divorce and all that? Why should he feel guilty?
Colin only shot Drew a look with his expressive eyes, and Drew took the hint. Time to go. He left Ryan and Colin in the living room, shaking his head and hoping they could work it out.
~~~~~~~~~
Colin watched Ryan carefully, trying to come up with the right thing to say. ‘I'm sorry’ seemed too weak, and besides, he had said it already. A plea to move past this, pretend it never happened and get on with their lives was what he really wanted, but that would be asking too much. Ryan's face was carefully blank, but that only worked with the people who didn't know him like Colin did. He could see the way Ryan's foot tapped slightly, jiggling one long leg, the telltale vein in his neck, the tension in his shoulders, and all of the thousand other subtle signs that Ryan exhibited when he was uncomfortable.
“Ryan . . .” he began nervously.
“No . . . wait. Maybe . . . maybe I did overreact.”
“No, you didn't,” Colin said quickly, shaking his head. “I was an idiot, a real bastard. I deserved everything you said. I just . . . I had no idea that it would hit you like that. I guess I just wasn't thinking.”
“Well . . . here's the thing,” Ryan said. He paused, trying to figure out the right words, then took a deep breath and continued. “It's like . . . like I wasn't important to you. Your work, and the divorce stuff, finding a house. . . it all meant more to you than I did.”
“No . . .” Colin breathed, horrified by the very thought. Ryan meant everything to him; how could he think tha---
Because you’ve never told him. You thought that that saying ‘I love you’ would be enough and it isn’t.
Ryan, who seemed oblivious to what was going through Colin’s mind, nodded and quietly murmured, “Yes. And that hurts, Colin. I never doubted that you loved me, you know. I just . . . I was scared that it wasn’t going to be enough and when you quit calling, it was like you had confirmed it.”
“No, Ryan,” Colin whispered, his voice shaking. “Don’t ever think that. Yes, I was an idiot---shut up, Drew,” he called over his shoulder before turning his attention back to his lover, only to wrinkle his forehead in confusion. “Where was I?” he asked Ryan.
The other man laughed with genuine amusement for the first time in almost three months and said, “You were an idiot.”
“You would remember that,” Colin muttered, his voice full of affection. Ryan only grinned and settled back into his chair, waiting patiently for Colin to continue.
The atmosphere lightened considerably and Colin almost sighed with relief. If Ryan had still been angry, he wouldn’t have gone with the joke, which would have been bad.
“Okay, I was an idiot,” he said aloud, offering a brief, sarcastic smile when Ryan smirked, before continuing. “And I’m sorry. I never, ever meant to hurt you and I honestly never thought that it would hit you the way it did.”
“That’s fair,” the tall, slender man lounging in Drew’s sinfully comfortable recliner replied. “But what I want to know is why. I mean, a gradual thing I could have understood, or you telling me that it’d be a while before you could call again. I’m not unreasonable---totally,” he stressed when Colin gave him a somewhat disbelieving look, “and we’ve always been honest with each other.”
Colin’s heart stopped. He knew that if he told Ryan what had been going through his mind during those four months, he would end any chance of their reconciliation. He also knew that if he tried to lie, Ryan would see through it in a heartbeat and leave anyway. It took him no time to make his decision: if things had to end, then they would end truthfully.
“The main reasons I stopped calling aren’t because I got busy or forgot, but they are factors,” he said quietly, his eyes focused on the carpet. “It was really . . . it was really because I started thinking about everything I was giving up, and I got---ah, hell,” he whispered as his courage failed him. He simply couldn’t do it.
A pair of gentle hands suddenly landed on his shoulders and he blinked before looking up into Ryan’s deep green eyes. They were full of love and Colin swallowed hard, breaking that intense gaze as he looked away. Ryan chuffed quietly before settling himself at his lover’s side, one arm draped possessively over his shoulders. A shudder wracked Colin and he fought the urge to sink into that warm, welcoming touch. He didn’t have that right and after this, he probably never would again. Still, it had to be done. Steeling himself, Colin looked up and forced himself to meet Ryan’s eyes as he spoke.
“When I realized what I was giving up, I got angry. At you. Because you were asking me for everything and I agreed before I realized what ‘everything’ really meant.”
The man beside him went completely still and Colin felt his heart shatter. This was it, then. But before he let Ryan go, Colin had to tell him everything.
“I was giving up so much and I resented it. I had a good thing going and I was giving it up so I could start over again. But,” he stressed, keeping their gazes locked so that Ryan could see the truth in his eyes, “I also started thinking about what I had with you and I realized that I was only doing what my heart had been telling me for years. I want to be with you, Ry, and there are no regrets. Not anymore. And once I got everything sorted out, I decided to wait until I’d found a place and gotten settled in so that we could concentrate on each other.”
Here he paused and snorted bitterly, looking down. “It was my gift to you,” he murmured. “A honeymoon, if you will. Just you and me, doing whatever the hell we wanted.”
Again, Colin stopped and lifted his head, his gaze seeking Ryan’s. To his surprise, his lover met his eyes steadily, and slowly smiled. Puzzled, Colin cocked his head. Ryan’s smile was full of warmth and his eyes were loving.
“Ryan?” he finally ventured, his voice shaking slightly.
A soft, amused chuckle was his answer and Colin frowned in confusion. He didn’t know what the hell was going on, but he didn’t want to push, either.
“Something funny?” Colin asked.
“I just . . . I'm kinda laughing at myself a little here,” Ryan said slowly. “I've been going nuts for no reason.”
“Oh, hell, Ryan, I'm sorry---”
“No, no . . . it's not just you, actually. I guess . . . well, this is stupid.” Ryan paused, ducking his head sheepishly.
“What?”
“Well . . . it's like . . . .Pat left, didn't want to be with me, and she . . . she said some really harsh things before she went. We had this huge fight, and she told me that I was just this terrible person, selfish and demanding and . . . a lot of shit like that. So, when you stopped calling, I thought that . . . maybe I did something. Maybe I shouldn't have asked you to give up your family. I thought maybe she was right about the selfish and demanding thing, and maybe . . . y'know, maybe you didn't want to be with me and it was my fault."
That was the last straw. Colin couldn't resist anymore, and he brought his arms around Ryan, pulling the other man's head down to nestle in the hollow of his neck. "No, Ryan. God, I'm so sorry. I'm . . . don't ever think that. You mean everything to me. I didn't say it before, and I should have. When I had to choose between you and Deb and Luke, it wasn't even a choice. It was like choosing whether or not to accept the money if you win the lottery. No contest. Are you hearing me?"
Ryan felt a lot of the tension and self-doubt dissipate as Colin rubbed his back. He wanted to still be angry with Colin, and part of him was, but it was hard to be mad at someone who felt so damn good. He could feel his throat getting tight as Colin's words registered, and he nodded against his friend's neck, not trusting himself to speak.
Colin could feel the way Ryan's chest hitched a little, and he shook his head. That Ryan actually thought he had done something wrong by asking him to choose . . . Colin knew he was going to be guilt-tripping over this one for a long time. But at least he was holding Ryan again. And damn, but he felt good. Ever since he had told Deb what was going on, she'd been cool and distant with him. Which wasn't really a surprise, considering, but he had still really missed this warm contact.
“You better not do anything like this again,” Ryan said. It would have sounded stronger had his words not been muffled from speaking into his lover’s neck. Colin could feel the warm breath puffing against the sensitive skin of his throat, and he swallowed. No matter how good Ryan felt . . . and smelled . . . and probably tasted . . . Colin mentally shook his head, trying to get his mind back on track. This was not the time. He couldn't just expect everything to be hunky-dory right away.
“I won't, Ry. I'm so sorry.”
“Would you quit saying that?” Ryan almost sounded amused, and Colin smiled.
“I think I'm going to be saying it for a while. I just . . . I can't believe I put you through all this. I'm not sure I deserve to be forgiven so easily.”
“Who said I was forgiving you?”
Colin felt his stomach freeze. “What?”
Ryan sighed and pulled back, lifting his head to look Colin in the eyes. His hands were still lightly resting on Colin's shoulders, and he brought one up to cup the back of the shorter man's neck. Their faces only inches apart, Ryan kept the eye contact for a long moment, seeming to measure Colin with his gaze.
“Can I trust you?” Ryan asked seriously.
Colin opened his mouth to say yes, but closed it again after a moment. Could Ryan trust him? He'd thought that was an easy question, but then he had gone and made a stupid mistake that had really hurt his friend. Who was to say he wouldn't make another one? And wouldn't it be worse to lie to him about it?
“I don't know,” Colin said slowly. “But I swear I'll try to never hurt you again.”
Ryan looked down, still keeping his hands on Colin's neck and shoulder, and he was silent for a long moment. Colin realized he was holding his breath and let it out quickly, blowing his lover’s hair off his forehead. Ryan looked back up at him and leaned forward so that their foreheads touched lightly for a moment.
“Thanks for being honest.”
“So . . .” Colin said uncertainly.
“I should go. I should get out of here and just think by myself for a while,” Ryan said, and Colin felt his chest tighten again. He opened his mouth to protest, even though he knew it was probably a better idea if he didn't, but Ryan quieted him with a finger to his lips. Using will-power he didn’t know he had, Colin resisted the urge to taste it.
“I should go,” Ryan repeated, “but I can't.”
And before Colin could do more than gape at him, Ryan leaned in and caught his mouth in a hungry kiss. He had been starving for Colin’s taste ever since that night in his hotel and being so close to him had only whetted his appetite. There had been enough recriminations for one day; they still had a lot to talk about, but right now, all Ryan wanted was Colin. And, judging by his lover’s response, the feeling was mutual.
Ryan slid his hands under Colin’s shirt, greedily exploring the warm skin, and deepened their kiss. Colin moaned into his mouth and gently pulled on Ryan’s shoulders, urging them both down to the couch. The taller man obeyed, pushing Colin onto his back and shifting until he was straddling his lover.
A strong hand suddenly clamped onto his shoulder and pulled, and a startled Ryan found himself sitting on the floor and looking up at Drew, who was trying very hard not to laugh. Colin stayed where he was; his face was fire-engine red and he looked as if he’d rather be in a locked room that played nothing but Hoedowns than where he was.
Ryan gave him a sympathetic look as he got to his feet; Drew hadn’t moved, but he no longer looked like he about to burst into laugher, and Ryan met his eyes calmly.
“Thanks for letting us use your living room, Drew,” he said evenly, holding a hand out to Colin.
“No problem,” Drew choked out, a smile teasing the corner of his mouth as a still red-raced Colin took his lover’s hand and stood up.
“Well,” Ryan drawled, slanting a smoldering look at Colin. “Let’s go home.”
Colin smiled shyly and opened his mouth to answer. He got as far as taking a breath before Drew cut him off.
“Oh, no, you don’t,” the chubby comedian said firmly. “You will drive home,” he told Ryan, pointing a stern finger at him. “And I’ll follow with Colin.”
Amusement filled Ryan’s eyes and Colin laughed quietly as they acknowledged the wisdom of Drew’s words. Ryan clapped his boss on the shoulder, gave Colin one last, lingering look, and jauntily walked out of the house. Only when he was gone did Drew release his control and burst out laughing.
Colin merely shook his head, his trademark half-smile on his lips and amused affection in his eyes. He knew why Drew was laughing and couldn’t find it in himself to be angry. He owed his friend too much to let a joke annoy him and instead busied himself with retucking his shirt. The sight set Drew off again and Colin stuck his tongue in his cheek to keep himself quiet. The last thing Drew needed was encouragement.
As if he had read Colin’s mind, Drew made a massive effort and got himself under control, though his eyes were still dancing with laughter. Without a word, he grabbed his keys, walked to the door, and opened it. Still in silence, Colin arched an eyebrow at him and stepped past his friend and into the bright sunlight.
In perfect accord, they climbed into Drew’s Porsche and buckled in. Drew started the car, checked his mirrors, and, with a sideways glance at a perfectly composed Colin, hit the road.
~~~~~~~~~
Ryan paced nervously across his living room, looking at his watch every fifteen seconds (literally). Drew and Colin hadn’t arrived yet and he was starting to worry. The passion between himself and his lover hadn’t been faked, but he knew that Colin felt immensely guilty for the way things stood between them.
His clock suddenly chimed, sending Ryan through the roof and reminding him that Colin should have gotten there by now. As he came back to earth, he heard the sound of an engine approaching the house and he darted to the window.
A silver Porsche was pulling into his driveway and Ryan looked at it blankly, wondering who it was. Then Colin bounded out of the car and ran to the door. Ryan threw it open and Colin came into his arms in a crushing hug that knocked the wind out of both of them. Ryan barely heard Drew honk in farewell when he left because he was flooded with relief. Colin had come home to him.
Just like he’d promised.
Like always, Colin was attuned to his moods and he pulled away, searching Ryan’s eyes, trying to find out what was wrong. Relief was etched all over Ryan’s expressive features and Colin frowned slightly.
“What is it, Ryan?” he asked quietly. The taller man started at the question and looked down, guilt flooding his face. Colin bit his lip when he saw it, fearing that he had done something wrong. Again.
“I’m sorry, Ry,” he whispered as he disentangled himself from the embrace.
“For what?” Ryan blurted out, looking surprised.
“For whatever I did,” Colin answered, meeting Ryan’s eyes briefly before looking away. A gentle hand caught his chin and pulled his head back around.
“You didn’t do anything,” Ryan said firmly. “I’m just being an idiot. It took you so long to get here that I kinda thought that . . .”
“You thought what?” Colin prodded when the silence had stretched his nerves to the breaking point.
“I thought that you had changed your mind,” Ryan confessed, his eyes filling with guilt again.
“Oh, Ryan,” Colin murmured, feeling the crushing weight of guilt on his shoulders. Once again, he had hurt the one person he cared about more than anyone on the planet. It was getting to be a very bad habit.
“Colin . . .”
“No,” he interrupted, his voice firm. “We have to get past this, Ryan.”
He got a nod of agreement and smiled at his lover before continuing.
“It’s going to take a lot of time and a lot of effort to make this work and that’s fine. But right now,” and he paused, running a hand up Ryan’s chest and caressing his cheek. The taller man shivered and nuzzled into Colin’s palm, kissing it lightly. Colin smiled, shifted until he was fully facing his lover, and buried his free hand in Ryan’s thick, honey-colored hair.
“Right now,” Colin murmured, “I want you.”
Another shiver was his reward before Ryan slowly bent his head. Their lips came together in a kiss that was similar to the ones they’d shared on the ‘Whose Line’ set: comfortable and familiar. That light contact wasn’t enough for either of them, though, and Colin’s hand tightened. He stretched up on his toes as he pulled Ryan’s head down and his lover’s lips parted on a gasp.
Colin immediately darted his tongue inside, taking a long moment to simply indulge his senses. A groan vibrated against his lips and the Canadian smiled---and then Ryan took control of their kiss, plundering Colin’s mouth and fumbling with his clothes. Things were moving quickly and Colin reluctantly pulled away from the searing kiss, breathing heavily and staring into Ryan’s deep green eyes.
“What?” his lover gasped, fighting to get his own breathing under control.
“I don’t want to fuck you, Ryan,” Colin replied in a steady voice. “I want to make love to you.”
Ryan stared at him for a minute before blinking and shook his head, chuckling softly, before closing the distance between them and capturing Colin’s mouth again. This time, the overriding emotion was love and they smiled against each other’s lips. Earth-shattering passion would come later, but right now, they both needed to know what this was really about.
Ryan eventually pulled away, but only far enough to start nipping at Colin’s neck. A soft hum of approval was his answer and he smiled, increasing the pressure and looking for the places that made Colin jump slightly or moan with pleasure. It didn’t take long before Ryan found himself wanting to go further and he mentally sighed, sucked one last time on Colin’s neck, and stepped back. A slightly puzzled look greeted him and Ryan smiled wryly.
“Let’s take this to the bedroom, hey?” he whispered, taking Colin’s left hand and bringing it to his lips.
“Yeah,” his lover replied quietly, trailing a hand down Ryan’s chest and smiling when he heard the sharp intake of breath the gentle motion evoked.
Hand in hand, the pair strolled to Ryan’s bedroom. It was late afternoon and partly cloudy, so the room was dimly lit. Shadows fell in odd shapes on the deep gray comforter and Colin shivered slightly. For some reason, the colors reminded him of the state of his relationship with Ryan, and it wasn’t exactly a pleasant thought.
The taller man felt his shiver and turned, a frown on his lips. He had a pretty good idea about what Colin was thinking and knew that they had to get something worked out before they took this step.
“
“Yeah?”
Short, one-word sentences; Ryan sighed when he heard it and started to release Colin’s hand---and that was when it hit him. That one movement said it all and he swore softly, tightening his grip and fighting to express his sudden revelation.
“What is it?”
Colin’s voice was flat, with a resigned quality to it, and Ryan nodded. They were going to have to work this out, or things would always be uneasy and they would never have a true partnership.
“You didn’t do anything,” Ryan said softly, refusing to release Colin’s eyes.
“Then what---”
Sighing again, Ryan sank down on the side of the bed and pulled on Colin’s hand until they were seated side-by-side.
“It’s . . . we have to decide, Col. Are we going to worry every time one of us is late or doesn’t call, or says something wrong, or does anything out of the ordinary . . . and ruin this?”
The shorter man opened his mouth to respond, but quickly shut it when Ryan kept going.
“Or are we going to trust each other like we used to and make this fight worth something?”
Colin was looking at him with eyes that were opaque and Ryan’s heart sank even as he finished his sentence.
“I know what I want, Colin. I want to be with you, free and clear and with no extra bullshit. Can we do it?”
As he spoke, Ryan carefully watched his lover, knowing that what happened here was it. Once things were decided, there was no going back. Then Colin’s eyes cleared---and the sun burst out from the clouds. Ryan’s heart swelled at the symbolism and he couldn’t stop the hopeful smile that came to his lips. Then Colin spoke, and sealed their fate.
“Free and clear?” he repeated, his eyes filling with guarded hope.
“Free and clear,” Ryan affirmed. Colin broke out into a wide smile, moved closer to his best friend, and looked up into his eyes.
“Then let’s do this.”
Ryan didn’t stop to think; he’d done too much of that already and it showed. Instead, he brought his hands up and rested them on Colin’s shoulders, gently tugging the other man forward. Colin went willingly and braced his own hands on Ryan’s chest, closing his eyes and waiting.
This time, when their lips met, the only thing between them was love. There were still things to be worked through and they both knew it, but the nagging doubt that had plagued them since Colin’s return was gone.
Gradually, their kiss grew more heated and Colin started working on Ryan’s shirt. His lover helped as much as he could and they parted briefly as Colin pulled the white tee off and tossed it to the floor. Ryan captured his eyes and smiled, and Colin grinned back as he whispered, “I love you, Ryan.”
“I know,” the other man replied, his smile widening briefly to a grin before fading into a more solemn expression. “I love you, too.”
And with that, any and all restraint was lost. Laughing, they came together again, working in concert to get the rest of their clothes off, and were just tumbling onto the bed when the phone rang.
Ryan muttered something that wasn’t used in polite conversation and shifted, keeping one arm wrapped around Colin and eyeing the phone like it was a snake. Colin, for his part, was debating if getting up to throw the phone out the window was worth the effort. Neither man moved, though, until the answering machine clicked on. It was Drew and he sounded like he was choking---probably on laughter, Colin thought vaguely.
“Hey, guys, sorry to disturb you, but I just
talked to Dan. We’re pushing back starting on the taping for two weeks. Chip’s
about to have another kid, Wayne’s with him, and Greg
is still in
Colin burst out laughing and collapsed on Ryan’s chest, shaking with mirth and listening to the sound of his lover’s delighted, carefree amusement. In the background, Drew’s voice could distantly be heard.
“So you guys enjoy your ‘honeymoon,’ and we’ll see you in three weeks. Oh, and you owe me for this. My Porsche needs to be waxed an---we’ll talk about it later. ‘Bye.”
Drew’s last few sentences were drowned out by the soft moans coming from the bed as Ryan worked his way down from Colin’s lips to his nipples, licking and sucking every inch of the way. The shorter man squirmed beneath him, relishing in the feel of Ryan making love to him. It felt natural and it felt right and Colin never wanted it to end. Then Ryan’s mouth closed over his hot, hard flesh, and Colin was gone. Every drop of blood and every conscious thought were centered on what Ryan’s unbelievably agile tongue was doing to him.
Ryan smiled when he felt Colin tense beneath his hands. He was so incredibly responsive that Ryan felt his control start to shred and his heart kicked into overdrive. He’d been aching for this ever since that day in his hotel room so long ago, and apparently, so had Colin. Hungrily, Ryan worked his mouth over Colin’s rock-hard penis, learning every ridge and contour and savoring each new taste.
The guttural moans he was evoking brought a smile to Ryan’s lips and he reluctantly pulled back, letting his tongue slide across the treasure cradled so lovingly in his mouth as he did. A weak protest came to his ears and Ryan grinned as he moved up until he was lying beside his lover and bent down. Their tongues twined as Ryan shared Colin’s taste and gently caressed his chest, reveling in the emotions that were rushing through his body. They finally had to part for breath and Colin captured Ryan’s eyes, holding his gaze for what seemed like an eternity before he took a deep breath and spoke.
“I want you in me, Ryan,” he said firmly, finally letting his long-buried emotions loose. The look on Ryan’s face quelled the one remaining doubt he’d had about moving too quickly and he smiled softly at his lover before leaning over and catching Ryan’s mouth in a sweet, tender kiss.
It was over too soon as Ryan reluctantly pulled away and got off the bed, his eyes never leaving Colin’s. The love he saw mirrored his own and Ryan smiled slightly as that last little fear about how fast things were progressing ebbed away, to be replaced with a wave of hunger. He basked in the glow, knowing that the time was finally right, and slowly backed up.
The intense gaze he shared with Colin came to an abrupt end when Ryan’s head hit the wall by the bathroom. Colin’s lips stretched in a amused grin as Ryan shook his head and muttered, “Well, that’s one way to ruin the mood.”
“As long as you didn’t bang anything important, Ry, I wouldn’t worry about it.”
The sultry, provocative tone of Colin’s voice snagged his lover’s attention and Ryan looked up, his jaw dropping. He knew that Colin could (and did) let loose on the ‘Whose Line’ set, but it had never occurred to him that art (such as it were) would imitate life---and then the possibilities occurred to him.
“Don’t go anywhere,” Ryan instructed Colin in a low voice. “I’ll be right back.”
He waited until Colin nodded before ducking into the bathroom. Quickly, he yanked open the medicine cabinet and grabbed two condoms before turning to face the linen closet. A rapid perusal of its shelves told him that there was nothing that he could use to help ease their first time. With a muttered oath, he moved across the spacious room and opened the chest that had been Pat’s and found what he was looking for. A nearly-full bottle of baby oil was sitting on the top shelf and Ryan eagerly grabbed it, his pulse speeding up as thought about that oil was going to used for.
Closing the door, he turned to go back to the bedroom and paused as he caught sight of his reflection. The terrible pallor of his skin was gone, as was the haunted look in his eyes and the self-doubt evidenced by his slumped shoulders and bent spine. His color was good, his eyes were clear, and he was finally standing on his own two feet. All in all, he looked like a man who knew what he wanted and was more than ready to go for it. Ryan shook his head at the accuracy of his last thought and laughed softly before winking at his reflection and stepping out the door---and walking into the welcoming arms of his future.
~~~~~~~~~
finis