Zephyr

by Heather

“We can’t go outside, stick your head out the window.”

Colin stared at Ryan in disbelief for a moment as he realized what the taller man was planning. On stage, in the middle of an Improbable Mission game, and Ryan was going to fry an egg on his bald pate. //Of all the…I can’t believe him. Once or twice is funny, I can understand that, but they’ve been really non-stop today. It seems like everyone’s been ragging on me this taping. I know I should just laugh it off, but c’mon, enough already. Now Ryan’s doing it, and he’s the one I trust to notice when I’ve had enough teasing. Guess he just doesn’t pay as much attention as he used to. Man…// Playing along because he was a professional, Colin allowed his friend to mime cooking eggs on his head, and bacon when the game got to that point. By the end of the sketch, he’d been laughed at by just about everyone, and it was getting harder to be a good sport. Drew was still shaking his head and laughing over the last quip—‘Mr. Moo.’

“Oh man, we’ve got a new name for Colin now…Mr. Moo.” Colin just shook his head and forced that little smile on his face, trying not to show how tired he was getting of all the teasing. “Hey, you said you were sick of the bald jokes, right?” Drew asked.

“Yeah,” Colin replied. //As if you didn’t know.//

“Well, now you’re Mr. Moo.” Drew giggled again, loving the new joke at Colin’s expense. Then Greg, unable to let such an opportunity go by, added his own little twist.

“Just call him Colin Moochrie.” Everyone cracked up again, and Drew repeated the new name gleefully. Colin just sat there, the famous little smile firmly in place. He was irritated and slightly hurt, wondering when the teasing was going to stop being funny. It had lost its appeal for him somewhere in the last game, but the others didn’t seem likely to drop it anytime soon. Colin was getting a little irked, but he knew his friends meant no harm. He glanced over at Ryan, who was laughing with the rest of them. Somehow, that was what really hurt…the others could make fun all they wanted, but he expected a little loyalty from his best friend. Ryan wasn’t even paying enough attention to see that his lover was sick of all the teasing. Instead of getting sympathy, Colin only ended up feeling ignored…again. Colin shook his head, wondering why he was being so sensitive.

//C’mon, they do this all the time. You should be used to it by now. Just because you’re feeling depressed today…why is that, anyway? Is it because of all the hair in the shower drain? But that’s normal…maybe it’s the upcoming birthday. I can’t believe I’m going to be forty-six. Hell, that’s almost fifty. And everyone seems to know it, the way they’re teasing me. I think it’s more than that, though. Lately, I don’t know how Ryan feels about me anymore. We used to be so close…so much in love. But for the last while, he doesn’t seem to notice me anymore. And now he’s making fun of me…is he trying to tell me something? No, calm down, you’re overreacting. It’s just for laughs; you know that. So quit being a baby and get over it. It’s no big deal.//

His resolution to be an adult about all this got harder and harder to keep as the day went by. Colin knew his receding hairline was a favorite subject for teasing on the show, but today’s taping seemed to be rougher than usual. He couldn’t help but feel that everyone was ganging up on him. There were no jokes about Drew’s weight or Greg’s glasses, or even Ryan’s height. At first, the quips and comments were actually funny, like in a new game called Doctor. Greg was the doctor, and Colin came to him as a patient. When Drew asked for suggestions on what Colin’s problem was, the answer from the audience was immediate.

“Going bald!”

Colin shook his head and bit his lip to keep from looking too angry. He could hear Ryan laughing from his seat, which only made the sting that much worse. Taking a deep breath, he turned to Greg to begin the game.

“Doctor, doctor, can you give me something for my baldness?” Colin asked, hanging grimly onto his determination to be a good sport.

“How about a few pounds of pig manure?” Greg replied in his nasal voice, smiling knowingly.

“Will that cure my baldness?”

“No, but with that on your head, no one will come close enough to notice that you’re bald!” Even Colin had to laugh at that one, and the crowd ate it up. That was probably the gentlest bald joke of the day though, and it seemed to go downhill from there. The barbs grew sharper and more personal as everyone got tired, and Colin could feel his composure slipping. He nearly lost it during a superheroes game near the end of the day. Greg was on first, and the crowd decided to dub him Smartassed Insulting Man. Colin smiled to himself—the name was perfect for Greg. He was up next, and Colin bounced onto the stage with his usual entrance line about being late.

“Thank God you’re here, Bald Man!” The audience gave him a few sympathetic ‘Awwwwws’ but most of them laughed along with Greg. Colin didn’t even smile this time…he was getting downright mad. Then Greg came out with the real punchline.

“You’re so bald that when you wear a turtleneck, you look like a broken condom!” The crowd went nuts and Drew nearly fell of his chair laughing. Colin stood there silently for a moment, trying to control his reaction. He was relieved when Ryan strode onstage, and turned to his friend, expecting to be defended. Colin’s jaw dropped when Ryan threw an arm around Greg’s shoulders and patted his back in congratulations, still laughing.

“Oh look, it’s Back-Stabbing Man!” Colin snapped, not bothering to hide his irritation. Ryan gave him a look like ‘What is your problem?’ and continued the game. Greg lived up to his title again with another zinger directed towards Colin.

“You’re so ugly, that isn’t a hairline--it’s your hair running away from your face!” Even Drew winced a little at that one, and Colin took a step forward with clenched fists before he remembered it was just a game. Greg shot him an apologetic look, and Colin was slightly mollified. At least, he was calm until the next sharp insult was directed his way.

“Are you really that bald or is your neck just blowing a bubble?” Ryan snickered at that one, and Colin looked at him, hurt showing clearly in his eyes. Ryan just shrugged and gave his oldest friend a confused look. He didn’t understand why Colin was being so touchy all of the sudden. He was usually fine with the teasing; after all the years of doing this show Colin could handle just about anything. His friend’s odd moodiness was puzzling to Ryan, but he didn’t have time to think about it right now. They finished the game pretty much without Colin’s help; he was too busy quietly fuming over Greg’s quips. Not to mention the fact that he was the only one getting zinged.

//Why am I always the target? And why am I reacting like this? I know it’s just a game; I should calm down. I mean, shit, I was about to hit Greg for a second there. But really, they’ve been on me all day. I can understand a few jokes; hell, I even expect them. But this is ridiculous. And Ryan’s been going along with it! He’s supposed to back me up, and it’s not like I can’t take care of myself, but…I don’t know…I guess I just expect a little sympathy and understanding from him. Even if he can’t stand up for me, he can at least refrain from joining in on the teasing! We are living together after all. He tells me he loves me, and then does this shit…maybe that’s why I’m taking this so personally. I’ll have to talk to him later…no, he’ll just think I’m being too sensitive. Maybe I am…man, I am going to be so glad when this day is over.//

Colin soon discovered that the day didn’t end with the taping, though. He was collared by Ryan and Drew and dragged downtown for the wrap party. Everyone was in high spirits, and the alcohol flowed freely. Ryan was already half drunk by the time he noticed how quiet Colin was. Of course, Colin was usually quiet off stage, so maybe it wasn’t surprising that it took so long for Ryan to pick up on it. He followed Colin to the bar and came up behind him, wrapping his long arms around the shorter man’s middle. Ryan could feel Colin tense up for a moment before relaxing into the embrace. He turned slightly and pressed his head against Ryan’s chest, taking a deep breath.

“Col? Something wrong?” Ryan’s voice was a little slurred, and Colin could feel him swaying gently. Colin stared up at him, wondering what he should say. //I could tell him my feelings are getting hurt…but it’s silly. I don’t want to cramp his style on stage, and I could end up doing that if he always has to be thinking of how a joke will affect me. Besides, it was just a few little comments. I’m an adult. I can handle it.//

“Nah, I’m fine. Just a little tired.” Colin almost hoped Ryan would catch him on the lie…it would be a relief of sorts to talk the whole thing out. But Ryan was a little too tipsy to notice the way Colin didn’t meet his eyes, and he simply shrugged and returned to his table. Colin stayed at the bar, not wanting to face the guys right now. He got tired of the crowding after a while, though, and headed for a table. It was a quiet, shadowed spot in the corner, and Colin enjoyed the chance for a little peace. He could see Drew, Greg, Wayne and Ryan at their table, and he could see the empty seat where he should be sitting. The sight sent a pang of hurt into his chest, and Colin concentrated on the feeling, enjoying it in a strange kind of way. He wasn’t sure if it was some kind of masochistic streak or what, but Colin didn’t mind getting hurt if it meant he could get some attention. Playing the martyr had an odd sort of appeal, and he waited for someone to notice he was missing. His tendency to savor the hurt feelings was probably why Colin hadn’t mentioned to Ryan that he was feeling ignored and taken for granted lately. Allowing himself to be hurt meant looking forward to the sweet comfort he would eventually get. When Colin heard his name mentioned, he leaned forward and tried to catch more of the words. In the crowded bar it was hard to hear much, but he did get bits and snatches.

“So, what was up with Captain Hair today?” Greg’s nasal voice carried easily, and Colin grimaced slightly at the nickname.

Drew looked at Greg and answered, but Colin could only hear some of the chubby comedian’s words. “Think he was…little sensitive…and you said…was funny though.” Wayne added something, but his voice was probably the softest of all the performers, and Colin couldn’t hear it at all. It must have been another joke though, because the whole table burst into laughter.

//Great, they’re making fun of me again. I should have known. And Ryan didn’t even notice that I was gone! He’s too busy laughing at me with the rest of them. I can’t believe this. Do they always make fun of me behind my back? Ryan too…that’s the worst part. We’ve been together for so long—I can’t believe he would betray me like this.//

Colin had to believe it when he caught some of Ryan’s next comment, though.

“Hair…running away from your face! That was…had to laugh but…thought he was going to hit you.” Ryan was actually rebuking Greg for the insult, but Colin couldn’t hear that. All he heard was his best friend and lover laughing at him. Wayne said something and mimed hitting Greg on the chin, and the group rocked with laughter once again.

“You were doing it too, y’know, with that egg frying on his head thing.” Greg chuckled at the memory, shaking his head. “You probably could have fit more than just eggs and bacon up there, though.” Ryan grinned at him and answered as Colin listened in dismay.

“Yeah…shouldn’t though…Colin…used to it by now but…oversensitive sometimes.” Colin’s jaw dropped when he heard that fragment.

//Oversensitive? He’s the one who gets all pissy if I make any comments about his crazy shoe collection. I’m the calm one who’s always dealing with his moods and he has the nerve to call ME oversensitive?//

Wayne made another comment and the group all nodded their heads in agreement.

“Yeah, that’s true. Colin…show would…without him.” Drew’s answer was actually in support of Wayne’s comment that they should appreciate Colin more. He was saying that the show wouldn’t be as good without the clever Canadian, but Colin didn’t hear it that way. He thought Drew was saying the show would be better without him, and Colin felt another twist of hurt in his chest. This time, however, the feeling was sharper than he felt comfortable with. No amount of attention was worth this kind of pain. When he saw Ryan nodding in agreement to Drew’s statement, it was the last straw. Colin got up and slipped out of the bar, carefully avoiding being seen. He didn’t want to deal with his so-called friends right now. The way he was feeling, Colin wasn’t sure if he would hit someone or burst into tears.

//This is ridiculous. Why am I getting all worked up over some stupid little thing? I know it’s been a bad day, but really, enough is enough. I know I’m taking this too seriously…I should just go home and get some rest. I’m probably just overemotional cause I’m tired. That’s all.//

Colin kept trying to convince himself it was no big deal all the way home. Walking into the comfortable house he shared with Ryan, he flopped down on the couch and put his face in his hands, thinking unhappy thoughts.

//Am I really so old that the show would be better off without me? They were all agreeing…even Ryan. But Ryan is only a couple years younger than me! He looks much younger though…still has all his hair. We’ve been together for a long time, but he doesn’t look at me like he used to. What if he’s not attracted to me anymore? What if he’s regretting his promise to always stay with me? We used to be so crazy in love; it was like we couldn’t stand to be apart. But now, even when we’re together, it’s like he isn’t there. His mind is always on work or something else, and I feel so…forgotten. I thought…I don’t know…maybe I’m just feeling sorry for myself. They were laughing at me but maybe it’s not as bad as it seems. Maybe…shit, I wish Ryan would come home. I wonder if he’s even noticed that I’m gone yet. And what am I going to do when he gets home? Ask him if he really said what I thought I heard when I was eavesdropping on him? Yeah, that’ll go over real good. I should just drop it. Maybe it would be best if we didn’t talk at all tonight. Yeah…things will look different in the morning. I hope…//

Colin sat on the couch brooding for a long time, wondering just what Ryan was doing.

//I wonder if he even realizes that I’ve left. Probably not…he never seems to notice me anymore. Maybe he’s still too busy making fun of me with the rest of them. God, that was painful to listen to. Does he really think that way, or was he just agreeing with them? No…Ryan doesn’t say things he doesn’t mean. So…he thinks the show would be better without me. Which means he would be better without me. Oh, Ryan…what did I do wrong?//

* * *

By the time Ryan, in the bar, had noticed his best friend was missing, Colin had himself convinced that Ryan never wanted to see him again. While Colin sifted through his depressed thoughts, Ryan looked around the dimly lit bar, searching for his partner.

“Hey Drew, you seen Colin?” Ryan had gotten a little carried away with the drinks, which seemed to be mixed stronger than usual tonight, and his voice was very slurred. Drew was staring blankly at a non-existent spot on the table and didn’t answer the question. Ryan opened his mouth to try again, when Wayne chimed in.

“I think he left…I haven’t seen him for a while.”

“Huh…well, I guess I should go too…it’s getting late.” Ryan was frowning, wondering why Colin would leave without him.

//That’s weird…Col always waits for me. Wait, didn’t he say he was tired? That’s probably it. He just went home to get some rest and didn’t want to make me feel guilty for staying. Damn, Colin’s such a nice guy. How did I ever get so lucky with him? I should really apologize for teasing him today though…it looked like he really got his feelings hurt. I’ll be sure to give him some extra attention tonight to make up for it. I haven’t had much time to really be with Colin lately, and he deserves more love than he’s been getting. I’ll keep him really close for a while; tell him how I feel…he seemed depressed today so he probably needs to hear it. I know how happy I am with him—now I just have to make sure he knows it too. //

Ryan grinned as he looked forward to some real snuggle time with Colin. He shuffled off towards the front door and waved to one of the cabs parked outside. Ryan was quite drunk at this point, and Dan had taken his keys away some time ago. He slumped in the backseat as the cabbie drove, smiling sleepily and looking forward to seeing Colin again.

* * *

Colin was pacing, unaware of the warm thoughts running through Ryan’s mind at that moment. He was getting more and more depressed, seeing signs that weren’t there.

//Maybe it would be better if I just left. He doesn’t want me anymore…I’m almost sure of it. How could he? They’re right, all of them. I’m just too old and ugly for this…for him. Hollywood is a place for the young and attractive. Ryan deserves better, really he does. Maybe if I left, it would make things easier for both of us. Give us some time to think. I still love him so much…//

Colin swallowed, feeling the hurt twist into his stomach as he thought of leaving Ryan.

//I don’t want to go. But…maybe if I’m gone, he’ll miss me. Isn’t that what they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder? But what if he doesn’t miss me? What if he doesn’t worry, doesn’t even notice? No, he’ll notice…eventually. When I’m not around to pick up after him and listen to him make fun of me. Damn, I’m actually mad at him…well, why shouldn’t I be? I do a lot for him, pay attention to him…I’m always there for him. But when I want a little support, a little attention, he doesn’t seem to care. Hell, if I do leave, what will he miss more--the love, or the free housekeeping? I never minded it before…but then, he never ignored me for work before. It’s not like I don’t have to work too. Just because I don’t have two shows… Maybe me leaving will teach him a little lesson about everything he takes for granted. And if he doesn’t start appreciating me…well, then I should just stay away. God, I don’t even want to think about that. But I keep thinking it anyway. What the hell is up with all the self-pity? Am I having a mid-life crisis or something? Nah, I wouldn’t be so melodramatic. I should just get out of here. If I’m here when he gets back I’m going to fall apart, I know it. If I see those eyes right now…I won’t be able to keep away from him. It’s been a bad day and I’m tired, I just want to get away and get some sleep. That’s the way to go. Maybe he’ll call me…or maybe not. Oh shit, it hurts to think that. I can’t believe I’m actually doing this. I’m…leaving Ryan? Is that what this is? No! I can’t do that…I just can’t cut him out of my life, especially over such a little thing. I must be overreacting. That has to be it…I don’t know, I can’t seem to think straight. I’ve run this around in my head so much nothing makes sense anymore. That’s it. I have to leave, get some distance, and get some sleep. Thinking is just getting me more confused and depressed. Stop thinking and move.//

Colin left the house and drove down the street, heading for a nearby motel. He was still driving away when Ryan’s taxi pulled up to the house. The driver saw him, but Colin didn’t mean anything to him. Ryan was asleep in the back seat, and by the time the cabbie roused him, Colin had turned the corner and was gone.

Ryan rubbed wearily at his eyes as he entered the silent house. Fumbling ineffectually at his jacket, he finally managed to shrug it off. He let the garment drop to the floor and made his way slowly up the stairs.

//Wow, I’m really out of it. I wanted to do something special with Col tonight, but the way I feel, just getting to the bedroom is going to be a major accomplishment. I wish I hadn’t had so much to drink…Colin really deserves better than this right now. Maybe it’s the scotch talking, but I’m starting to feel really guilty for the way I’ve been treating him. I’m not up to it tonight, but first thing in the morning, I’m going to set things right. I love him too much to ever hurt him, and it’s clear that’s what I’ve been doing. Well, not anymore…starting tomorrow, he’s going to see just how I feel.//

Ryan considered calling out for Colin, but figured he would be asleep. Besides, yelling took too much energy. All the alcohol, combined with the long day and the late hour, was really catching up to Ryan and he felt dead on his feet. When the bed he and Colin shared came into view, he collapsed onto it, not even bothering to take off his shoes. Ryan noticed in a dim kind of way that the bed was empty, but before he could really think about that, oblivion claimed him and he was out for the night.

Ryan woke up with a headache and a nasty, dry feeling in his mouth. He sat up carefully, mindful of his unsteady stomach. A few deep breaths helped to settle that, and he slowly made his way to the bathroom. He was aware that Colin wasn’t in the room, but assumed his partner was already up. Colin usually woke earlier than he did, especially when he wasn’t hampered by a night of hard drinking the way Ryan was this morning. A hot shower and several Excedrin later, Ryan walked downstairs in a much better mood.

“Colin? Are you making breakfast? Cause I don’t want any—“ Ryan stopped speaking abruptly as he walked into the empty kitchen. He looked around in confusion for a moment, then walked into the living room. It was empty too, and even more unsettling was the sight of his jacket, still lying on the floor where he had dropped it last night. Colin always picked up his things. It was just one of those little details about their relationship that Ryan had grown accustomed to. Seeing that jacket lying mutely on the floor, he realized just how attuned he had become to Colin’s presence. The whole house felt different—empty. No Colin humming softly as he made breakfast, or sitting on the couch reading the paper, or slipping into the shower with him by surprise. Ryan felt the first stirrings of worry as the situation became clear. Colin was gone. Either he hadn’t come home last night, or he had left early this morning. Ryan frowned, trying to remember the night before.

//Col was here when I got home, wasn’t he? I don’t know…we were all at the wrap party…and he left early, I think. I remember he was pretty quiet, and he said he was tired. Why wouldn’t he go home? He did seem a little moody yesterday…in fact, I remember talking to the guys about it. And I was going to talk to him when I got home, except…he wasn’t here! Now I remember, I got home and I was too wrecked to do anything but pass out. Shit, I can’t remember much at all about last night…just little bits and pieces. I was feeling guilty for some reason…something about Colin, but I can’t quite put my finger on it. I still had all my clothes and my shoes on when I woke up, so that means he was never here. He would have taken my shoes off, at least. Damn, that’s another thing I’ve been taking for granted. And he was really hurt yesterday at the taping; I think all the bald jokes were getting to him. I should have said something then…but I figured he was fine. Good old Colin, always sweet and good-natured. I wish I could be half as nice as he is. He’s been down lately, I think. Quieter than usual…I wonder why? I know I’ve been busy lately, what with working two shows and everything. But Colin’s not the kind to complain until something gets really bad. Is that why I was feeling guilty last night? Now that I think about it, he was really touchy at the taping…actually, he’s been touchy about a lot of things lately. It seems like he’s always quiet and depressed. God, I can’t believe I didn’t ask what was wrong. I’m supposed to be his best friend, and I never even tried to find out what was upsetting him. Although it’s not that hard to figure out, is it. The way he was looking at me when Greg insulted him…and that name, Back Stabbing Man, you can’t get much more obvious than that. He wanted me to defend him and I laughed at him instead. Oh man, I’ve been such an idiot. I didn’t even notice when he left the bar last night. If I’m not careful, I could lose him. What if…did he leave? Is that what happened? Just how bad has he been feeling, anyway? I tried to ask him if he was ok last night and he said he was…but I know better than that. Even with a buzz on I could tell he was lying, but I didn’t want to pull it out of him. I figured he didn’t want to talk about it, so I let it go. Well that was pretty fucking stupid of me; I’ve known Colin too long to think he doesn’t want to talk. Colin always wants to talk when he’s upset. I’m the one who doesn’t like to talk. So instead of being a good friend and listening, I was a selfish bastard and pretended not to notice how sad he looked. But still…even if he was feeling terrible, he wouldn’t just walk out on me, would he? No…he wouldn’t do that without talking to me first…I think. Oh God, I hope not. Shit, Colin, did I really neglect you that much? What am I saying, of course I did. He’s not here, that speaks for itself. But where could he be? If he did leave…but his things are all still here. Maybe…oh fuck, what if he was in an accident or something? He drove home…what if he got hurt? Oh no…oh, please, don’t let that be what happened. Not like this. If I lose him now, without telling him how much I love him, I’ll feel guilty for the rest of my life. I can’t believe I’ve been getting so distant from him. I know it’s bothered him, but I just always assumed he’d be around. I know how much he loves me…he never let me doubt it. So I thought he would never leave, and I let myself hurt him without even thinking about it. I have to fix this…I have to tell him how sorry I am, and I have to do it right away. I always thought we had plenty of time together, but what if we don’t?//

Ryan ran out the front door, still in his bathrobe but not caring. Colin’s car was not in its usual spot. He stared up and down the street for several minutes, as if the car would magically appear if he just looked hard enough. Finally Ryan walked back in the house, panic nipping at the edges of his mind.

//Please let him be okay. Please let him be okay. That’s all that matters. I have to call someone. Maybe he went to someone’s house. That’s what I’ll do. Where would he go? To Greg’s? Maybe…they’re pretty close. He might have gone there for a little comfort and attention; Lord knows he wasn’t getting enough of it with me. If he’s hurt, if I never get the chance to make it up to him… No! I can’t think like that. Oh God, Colin, I’m so sorry. Please, please be all right.//

Ryan had to take several deep breaths before his hands would stop shaking long enough for him to dial Greg’s number.

“Hello?” The familiar nasal voice sounded irritated, but Ryan was too upset to worry about whether he had just woken Greg up or not.

“Greg? Is Colin there? Please, tell me if he is.”

Greg responded to the urgency in Ryan’s voice by waking up a bit more—he had been sleeping, as it happened. “No, he’s not here…why? Isn’t he with you?”

“No, he didn’t come home last night, and his car isn’t here, and I’m really worried, I think he was maybe in an accident or something and he was upset last night and I’ve been so terrible to him lately and I didn’t even see when he left and—“

“Whoa, hey, slow down there big boy,” Greg interrupted. Ryan’s voice had been rising in pitch and emotion, and Greg could just picture him, standing by the phone, twisting his long fingers together in worry. “Now, try to think clearly. Are you sure he didn’t just go out early for something? Maybe he went to the store.”

“No, he wasn’t home last night, I remember, besides the jacket was on the floor and my shoes were still on.” Greg frowned in confusion as he tried to follow this odd logic.

“Uh…the jacket was on the floor…and your shoes were still on. Ok, Ryan, I think you need to go back to bed or something.” Greg’s amusement turned to real confusion as Ryan growled—actually growled—in frustration and hung up the phone. Greg shook his head, wondering just what the tall guy was on, and where he could get some of that stuff. Deciding Ryan was overreacting to what was probably nothing, Greg rolled over and went back to sleep.

Ryan began calling everyone he could think of—Drew, Wayne, even Dan Patterson, but nobody had heard from Colin. Biting his lip and pacing, Ryan wished he knew where Colin was and how he was feeling at that moment.

* * *

Colin woke up slowly, confused at first by the unfamiliar room. He stared blankly at the non-descript décor for a few minutes, before remembering that he had slept in a motel room. The whole terrible day came back to him then, and Colin closed his eyes, wishing he could fall back asleep.

//Oh, God, I really did this. This isn’t a dream. I really walked out on Ryan. What the hell was I thinking? I’m blowing this whole thing way out of proportion. I love him too much to let some stupid bald jokes get between us. I was really wallowing in the self-pity last night, wasn’t I? Oh man, I hope he’s not too mad at me for disappearing like that. Or…no, he won’t be happy about it. Will he? I mean…I don’t know. I know I was overreacting but we haven’t really been that close lately. He never seems to notice me; half the time I feel like I don’t even exist. It’s like he keeps me around because he’s used to me, not because I’m important to him. We need to talk, that’s for sure. If he doesn’t want to be with me anymore…shit, that’s hard to even think about. Every time I imagine my life without him, it just makes my stomach turn. But if he’s not happy with me…well, I need to find out. Not from some half-overheard thing in a bar, I need to know right from him. So I’ll go home, and we’ll talk. And if he wants to move on…//

Colin swallowed hard and scrubbed at his face with his hands, not liking where that train of thought led. He could feel butterflies in his stomach as he got in the shower, and his hands had a slight but persistent tremor.

Scenarios of Ryan rejecting him kept running through Colin’s mind, and by the time he was ready to go he was feeling very apprehensive about the whole thing. The short car trip back to the house he and Ryan shared took longer than it needed to because Colin drove very slowly, trying to convince himself it wouldn’t be that bad.

//C’mon, even if he doesn’t want to be with you anymore, it’s not the end of the world. I mean…oh hell, what am I saying, it IS the end of the world. I’ve been with Ryan too long, and I love him too much. I don’t know what I’m going to do without him. But I can’t hold him back. He deserves his freedom, if that’s what he wants. God, I hope that’s not what he wants. Oh, Ryan…please tell me we can try again. I don’t know why we’ve drifted apart lately, but please, I don’t want to give up.//

By the time he reached the front door, Colin felt sick to his stomach with worry. He carefully opened the door, noting somewhere in the back of his mind that it was unlocked. As he walked in, Colin could hear Ryan’s familiar voice, and he had to swallow again as the low rumble penetrated his defenses. He paused, wondering who Ryan was talking to.

“That’s right. I just want to know if there was a man by that name brought in last night. He didn’t come home, and I think he might have been in an accident. Where? I don’t know! Can’t you just tell me if he’s there? I’ve already tried the other hospitals. No, I don’t want to hold! Would you please—“ Ryan stopped short as Colin came into view, and stared at the shorter man, mouth hanging open, phone still pressed to his ear.

“Colin?” Ryan hung up the phone without looking at it, and took a hesitant step forward. Colin opened his mouth to speak, not really sure what he was going to say, but never got the chance. Ryan enveloped him in a bone-crushing hug, and Colin returned the gesture whole-heartedly. The strong, familiar arms around him, the steady beat of Ryan’s heart against his chest, the warm scent…Colin took it in like a man drowning. He felt genuinely bereft when Ryan pulled away, but was reassured when he saw the love and worry in those green eyes.

“Are you all right? Where were you? What happened?” Colin just stared up at his lover in wonder; thrilled that Ryan was so happy to see him. All the worry of the past twenty-four hours suddenly seemed ridiculous. All he had to do was look into Ryan’s eyes to see how he felt.

//How could I have doubted this? Oh God, I’m so glad I was wrong. He feels so good…//

Colin pressed his face against Ryan’s shoulder again, rubbing his cheek along the exposed skin there. Ryan looked at him in bewilderment, his head spinning in confusion.

//What the fuck is going on here? He’s gone all night, comes in looking scared to death, then doesn’t say a word. Thank God he’s all right, but where was he? Oh, it feels so nice to hold him again. I was so scared…how could he scare me like that? Just disappearing…what happened to him last night?//

“Colin? Where did you go last night?”

Colin looked up at him with dazed eyes and an odd little smile. He didn’t register the question at all. His mind was spinning with relief and happiness, and his thoughts were a jumbled mess.

//It worked, the absence makes the heart grow fonder thing worked…he feels so good…I just want to stay here and let him hold me forever. He’s looking at me…am I supposed to say something?//

“Hi Ryan. Didja miss me?”

“Wha…you…huh?” Ryan sputtered, staring at Colin in confusion. Colin simply buried his face against Ryan’s neck again, burrowing against him like he was trying to get inside Ryan’s skin. Enjoying the reassuring contact after all his worry, Ryan let this go on for a while before he pulled away, eliciting a mumble of complaint from Colin.

“Now really, Col, I’m serious. What the hell happened to you last night?”

Colin looked up at him, then sighed in resignation and turned away, leading Ryan into the living room. They settled on the couch together, and Colin began to speak, looking down at his hands the whole time.

“Ok, it’s like this. I, uh…well, I was upset yesterday. Because…oh, it seems stupid now.”

“Tell me.” Ryan added a reassuring hand to his voice, stroking Colin’s back in the smooth pattern he liked.

“Well, ah, it was the jokes, to start with. All the bald jokes. And you were laughing too, which is what really hurt. So I was feeling kinda down…It wasn’t just that though, I don’t want you to think that. It was a lot of things…feeling old and unattractive, and you don’t seem to be that interested in me anymore…and, I don’t know. A lot of things, I guess.” Colin trailed off, gathering his thoughts. Ryan tried not to look too guilty as the comment about not being interested in Colin anymore hit home. It was true that he had been taking Colin for granted a lot lately, but not interested?

//Well…maybe he has a point. I am interested in Col, hell, I love him…but I sure haven’t been showing it much lately. I can understand how Colin might see it that way. I’m surprised he’s so calm, really. He has every right to be angry with me. I want to tell Colin just how much I care about him, but maybe its better not to interrupt for now.//

“So anyway, I was already feeling bad. And then we went to that wrap party, and I wanted to talk to you, but I thought you would just call me oversensitive.” Ryan felt another twinge of guilt at that one—oversensitive was the exact word he had used, and he knew it. “I was sitting at the corner table, and…uh, well…I could hear you guys talking. About me. I guess I was…um…eavesdropping. And I’m sorry, but I…I don’t know, I just felt like I had to or something.” Ryan nodded at him with understanding, and Colin continued. “I heard everyone laughing at me, and you said I was oversensitive, and then Drew said the show would be better without me and—“

“What? Drew never said that! And we weren’t laughing at you. Where are you getting all this stuff?” Ryan looked into his friend’s liquid brown eyes and realized Colin really thought he had heard those things. Colin’s eyes held hurt, but also a shadow of resentment. Sweet-natured Colin was trying not to be angry, but he clearly felt he had been treated unfairly. Shaking his head in sympathy, Ryan hugged Colin close and set him straight. “Drew said the show wouldn’t be the same without you. As in, not as good. And we weren’t laughing at you really, just at some of the things that happened during the taping. I actually told Greg that he took it a little too far during that superheroes game, and he agreed with me! And as for you being oversensitive…well, you were a little touchy yesterday, but I can understand why. I know I’ve been taking you for granted lately.”

Colin nodded against Ryan’s chest, feeling his eyes sting as they got to the heart of the matter. This was the real reason he had been so upset, and he knew it. They had been together for years, and lately things just seemed…empty, somehow. Like they were only together because it was easy and familiar, not because they were in love.

“Colin, look at me.” Colin lifted his eyes to meet Ryan’s, wondering what he was supposed to see. Ryan’s green eyes were shiny-bright with emotion, but it took Colin a while to understand what the feelings were. It had been a long time since Ryan had looked at him that way. The familiar love and friendship was clearly visible, but there was a kind of excitement that had been missing of late. “You know, I’m kind of glad you disappeared for a little while.” Colin felt his stomach lurch when he heard those words, and Ryan’s eyes widened when he saw the look on his lover’s face. “No, not like that. I mean, glad because you woke me up. Made me realize how important you are to me.”

Smiling softly, Colin burrowed against Ryan’s chest, enjoying the contact.

//I can’t believe I thought he didn’t love me anymore. How crazy is that? Mmmmm…feels so good to be held again like this. I was afraid I would never feel this again. Those strong hands on my back, the soft lips…wait a minute. Lips? What is he doing…oh! That’s…oh, I love it when he kisses my throat like that…love you, Ryan. So much.//

“I could tell you, y’know. I could tell you just how much you mean. How much I love you.” Ryan’s voice was soft, the deep rumble soothing against Colin’s chest. “But I would rather show you, instead.” Colin smiled, knowing where this was going and loving it. He sighed with contentment as Ryan led him up the stairs and into the bedroom.

Later

“Wow…I can’t really think of anything else to say…just…wow.” Colin’s voice was soft, his eyes half-lidded with pleasure. He looked like the cat that got into the cream, but the dazed look evaporated when Ryan pounced on him again. Searing kisses were trailed along his throat and down his chest, and when Ryan came up for a moment Colin whimpered in dismay at the loss of stimulation.

“Oh, I’m not done yet, love. We’re just getting started.” With that, Ryan continued his explanation of just how much he needed Colin, letting his actions speak louder than words ever could.

Much, much later

“Ryan…I’m sorry I left. Sorry I worried you.”

“Don’t be. I’m just glad you came back. But if you ever leave again, I may have to punish you.” Ryan’s eyes glittered with mischief, and Colin tried unsuccessfully to suppress a smile. They curled up in exhaustion, limbs pleasantly tangled together. As he slipped into sleep once again, Ryan resolved to be more careful about how he treated Colin. He was usually so shy and sweet; it was easy to forget that he had feelings that could be hurt.

//Next time anyone tries to say something about my Colin, I’ll…//

But the rest of the thought was lost as sleep overtook him.

The following weekend

They were taping another few episodes of Whose Line, and Colin and Ryan were in high spirits. Their relationship was stronger than ever, and Colin didn’t even blink when Drew introduced him as the ‘season indicator’ saying you could see what season the show was in by how much hair Colin had. Ryan gave the host a dirty look though—he had become rather overprotective lately. Colin loved it, even if it made him feel like he was some kind of helpless child. Sometimes it was nice to let Ryan take care of him though, and Colin thought he would wait just a little while longer before putting a stop to the overprotective behavior.

It was during a game of scenes from a hat that Ryan really got to show his protective streak. The suggestion was for “Celebrity endorsements that won’t work.” Greg stepped out, with his glasses off and his hand pushing his hair back to suggest baldness. He said in a fair impression of Colin’s voice, “Hi, I’m Colin Mochrie for Male Models Inc. Yes, with only a few days of training you too can look like me!” Colin made his puppy-dog eyes, but he was still smiling. The crowd laughed and there were several calls of “Awwwww.” Ryan pulled Colin close, throwing an arm around his shoulder and looking angrily at Greg. He gave Greg the evil eye for a moment, and then turned to Colin, whispering reassuringly. Then, not caring if it interrupted the game, Ryan pulled Colin in for a close hug. They stayed that way until Drew’s rather impatient buzzing got through, and Ryan finally pulled away. Colin looked up at him, then at the wildly cheering audience, and made a decision. Calmly ignoring Drew and Greg, Colin rose up on his toes and placed a feather-light kiss on the tip of Ryan’s nose, making him blush adorably and sending the crowd into hysterics.

“Thanks Ryan,” Colin whispered, “but you don’t need to prove you love me anymore right now. I won’t doubt it again.”

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