March 2004: The hair is falling out in handfuls and now instead of feeling people stare at me for my weight, it's the large amount of scalp that seems to shine (or is it just the way I see it) I turned 35 this month and looked into hair replacement. It's an investment in my self esteem and well worth the high price.
May 2004: I am a new person on the outside but on the inside I haven't shaken those awful feelings of self doubt. I am enjoying life more than ever. In April, I moved to the place I grew up. I am more physically active than ever before. In a way, I am truly happier than I have ever been. For the first time in years, I wonder what it would be like to share it with someone else. What makes me laugh, is that they say "misery loves company" but in my most miserable times, I shut myself away from the world and embraced being alone. and now that I feel happy with my accomplishments, it is so lonely at times. It's those nagging feelings of self doubt that hold me back from pusuing love.
June 2004: My decision to have surgery almost 2 years ago prompted me to live my life in a different way. I've lost over 100 lbs and have gotten down to a size 12. I'm proud of that. But I had so many fears in the past and it has been a struggle to overcome them. From leaving a relationship with someone that didn't love, appreciate or respect me to admitting I needed to drastically change my life with this surgery to be healthy, to putting myself first, to taking the risk of being rejected and changing careers from a job I did well to one I know nothing about, but would enjoy more. When I began this journey, I expected to die before I got approved for surgery. I didn't think I would ever have any quality of life. I spent more time in hospitals and doctor's offices than anyone should ever have to. I felt like an old person, though I was still young. I lived alone and gave up on life. I saw other people in happy families and following their dreams. I tried to convince myself I didn't care about that. I dreamed of being thin and that the world would embrace me. I thought that losing weight was the answer to my prayers. It wasn't. But as I lost weight and realized that people didn't really care (I'm talking about strangers) but that I was the one that cared. As far as society was concerned, I just blend in now. The stares went away. And I even began to get a few compliments. I had a hard time accepting that. I didn't believe I was pretty or loveable. I was led to believe that I had to look good to be loved. And I have never felt like I looked good, so therefore, I was unloveable. For the first time, I am taking a risk that I could be loved by someone else and to also give my love. I still have trouble with my image but I have moved on to changing the inside. Physically, I feel better than ever. I ran for the first time (I was afraid to run because of my damaged knee four years ago) but I did pretty good. Didn't even break a sweat. (Ok, I could have run for a longer time). I went to a fair and rode every ride I have always been afraid to get on (except one that I rode last year) I'm even taking karate lessons and learning to water ski. I'm no longer concerned with the numbers on the scale or what size I am. I feel normal again and I am embracing life. I have already found happiness, even if I don't find love. I used to think that was impossible. I thought love was happiness and that I would never be happy. I have proved myself wrong and that feels good.