Committing to Committing                                Late Fall 2003

I want to say that men are pussies. That in their heart of hearts, they can't handle truly trusting and truly committing themselves mind, heart and soul to someone, and so they look for all sorts of loopholes and semantics so they can get away with the bare minimum and always have some sort of way out. 

I want to say it, but I keep hoping that I shouldn't have to. There is so much that goes into making a relationship work, to making two people feel that all the bad times will be worth bearing together because the good times are so fulfilling and so great. I fear at times that I will never have what it takes to make it work with someone, that something in me just prohibits me from being the kind of partner I want to be and from finding someone who is compatible enough to make it all work out. 

I fear that the truth is that I am just too naïve. Despite a lot of things I've lived through, despite what I see around me, I seem to hold on to some ideals and standards that may just be out of touch with reality. But how do you abandon something you feel deep inside is right, even if you can't always explain why? 

I believe so deeply in the kind of commitment that marriage entails. I believe in the joining of two souls, two people who see themselves reflected in each other, who just want to wake up together every day and who trust and respect each other so much that they just know that they can always depend on each other, that they can create the kind of life they both dream of, whatever that life may be.  

But how often have I heard that you don't even need to be married to have any of these things? And I know it's true, because I know couples who have been together many, many years and have built their lives together and are not married. In the end, it may well just be a piece of paper. 

But I can't help but question and ultimately disagree with this line of thinking. Because to me, marriage is the ultimate surrender. It is telling someone that you trust them with your life and are committed enough to bond yours to theirs; it is promising that you won't get up and walk away (because no matter what anyone says, it's really very easy to do that when you're just a girl/boyfriend, live-in or not) without an honest fight; and in the act of getting married, you're only sharing with those you love your happiness, celebrating the joy, the love, the hope with one big (or small) bash. 

And my own personal bottom line is that I know I am worth this kind of commitment from someone. It's just that simple, because whatever my faults may be, I am willing to do all this with the right person. I am willing to compromise, to admit my fears and faults, to share my dreams, to bust my ass, to believe. If I am meant to be alone, I can do it and make the best of it, but I know that what I want is to just be with that person who moves my heart and thrills my soul. And for all this alone, I have every right to want the same in return, and to either hold out for it or forsake it all together. 

The sad fact, however, is that my life has been marked with guys who can't handle anything this deep or this permanent. Even guys whom I knew I had no interest in getting that serious with, even they freaked out if I so much as made the following statement: "I believe in marriage and would want it for myself." They so arrogantly believed that I meant "with you," when in reality they should have questioned if they were even good enough for me, because that's certainly what I was doing! Even those who made a sincere effort to be committed, even they were ultimately too selfish and had too many unresolved issues to be trustful, respectful, thoughtful and real partners. 

So I wonder, who am I to talk? Because every romantic venture (excluding the current one) I've entered into has been disastrous or close enough to it. And I don't just mean a disastrous end, it was disastrous throughout. I was just too stubborn and proud to admit that I was failing somehow, and in some cases too embarrassed to admit that, in all honesty, I didn't feel all I was saying I felt.

So what do you do when you're all for committment but have no way of knowing how to carry it out? And how do you hold on to the hope that you can find the right person to take that plunge with, and live the life you both dream of?
Image copyright DC Comics 1979
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