If I say I dream frequently about one particular ex-boyfriend, believe me, it has nothing to do with some repressed love I feel for him, but rather, due to the fact that there was never any semblance of closure between us. No resolution, no good-byes, nothing, only silence. And I guess that years later, that silence is still too freaky for me. Despite the fact that we have since made peace, the dreams persist.
I dream, too, of another ex-boyfriend, a man I dated for about a year, time which he spent verbally and mentally abusing me, until, as was inevitable, the abuse turned physical. I ended things shortly after that instance, but the guy lived closed to me (ok, he was my neighbor), and this whole "Silence of the Lambs" thing ensued, with him mentally torturing me and stalking me till it nearly got out of control. So in my dreams, he is frequently a villain, after me, trying to kill me or my loved ones. I dream many dreams where my most basic fears become reality and I know, as it's going on, that it's just a dream, and yet I am powerless to do anything about it.
I'm not ashamed to say that all these crazy dreams, plus the insomnia, plus the white noise in mind all point out to the fact that I have quite a load of issues. Who doesn't? But I have to guess that I suffer at night because during my waking life I am unable or unwillingly to deal with these things. And, by the same token, some of the things that haunt me, by their very nature, have no resolution.
So what to do? Sleeping pills, tea, aromatherapy, meditation, prayer, warm milk... I've tried it all. And I still have insomnia.
For now, I continue to use the dreams, and my own life, to fuel my writing. And I have to believe that in this way, I will one day find what I'm looking for.
