| Why JLo Still Sucks Spring 2004 "Oh, look at me: I dumped the man I 'love' right in the middle of his legal problems, because his shit was stinking on me." "Oh, look at me: It wasn't enough to rebound with a dumb schlub, I had to marry him, too, because I'm completely incapable of dealing with my feelings in any functional way." "Oh, look at me: I've got perfume now and of course that's my real, un-airbrushed body on the ads." "Oh, look at me: Ben and I are together, but like any normal couple, we want and deserve our privacy. Just because he's rubbing my ass in public doesn't mean you can take pictures of it." "Oh, look at me: Ben and I really do have a normal relationship. I cook, he watches sports. I'm very domesticated and Ben wears the pants around here. Didn't you see the Barbara Walters Special?" "Oh, look at me: Ben is a new man thanks to me. Now he's got some real taste, can dress like something other than a frat boy and can shop like a little bitch. I'm so good for him -- I give him klass!" "Oh look at me: I'm so down and so real and so in touch with my Bronx roots that I had to write a whole album stressing the fact." "Oh, look at me: Ben proposed with an obscenely huge, tacky, pink ring! I'm so happy, this wedding will be real!" "Oh, look at me: Ben was off with some friends and he went to a strip club. But I trust him and know that this little outing was nothing. I'm so cool and so real, I don't get jealous. The media was lying -- hello! I'm Jenny from the block! Who in their right mind would cheat on me?" "Oh, look at me: I'm going have a wedding more lavish than my first two, grander than what anyone's every seen, the biggest event ever. But the media has to respect our privacy and leave us alone." "Oh, look at me: Everyone is so jealous of me that they're out to sabotage us. Ben does not have a gambling addiction! So what if he gambles the night away four times a week? It's a hobby. I shop, he gambles -- what better way to spend our money?" "Oh, look at me: No matter how hard I try to just be real and plan my pretty wedding, the media is making it impossible for me to join my soul mate in wedded bliss. I simply have no idea how they found out I flew 30,000 pieces of gold-rimmed china in from Paris. They're making it impossible for me to do this! And I want it so badly! Oh well, we have no choice but to postpone the whole thing, then." "Oh, look at me: All you bastards won out. Ben and I just have this genuine, deep love -- it's real like I'm real -- and all the jealousy and meanness have been so overwhelming! We have so much attention, attention we did nothing to attract, that we have to break up before we cause a mad stampede and innocents die because of us. How unfair. The media is just determined to keep us apart and it's everyone else's fault that we can no longer be together!" |
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| Image copyright DC Comics 1979 |