I don't think that he'll ever get it. For some reason, he can come and go as he pleases, picking each conversation up right where he last left off.
But what he doesn't get is that I am not where he is, and I doubt I ever will be. I am not able to pick up so easily, to end so abruptly, to live my life thinking that one day I will be where I was meant to be, without any effort or positive moves on my part.
He will forever think that we belong together. Meanwhile, I dream of someone else, my dreams of him long ago obliterated by his thoughtlessness and cowardice. I tell him now what I told him then -- that words are useless without action; that no matter how predestined something is, it can be destroyed, it can be altered; that in order for something to be real and lasting, it must be nurtured and cherished, not deferred until a more convenient time. There is never a more convenient time, because life grows more complicated, new problems arise, and soon enough it hits you that life has flown right by. So you either know or you don't; you either act or you don't; it either is or it isn't.
Yes, I insist, it's that simple.
He can't understand how I came to change my mind, how I came to disbelieve all I once believed in. But that is my right, I tell him. I can see how people behave, how they treat me, what they say (and don't) and how they say it, and from those things I can learn, grow and come to new conclusions. He is unhappy because my conclusions about the kind of person he has become are not pretty. He rarely likes the things I have to say, because, he thinks, they are too harsh. What they are, though, is too honest, too true.
When I was in love with him I didn't know what I wanted out of a man, I didn't know what I wanted out of life. Maybe I felt we could have our happiness, but as our story wrote itself out, I came to understand that he was becoming someone who would bring me more pain than anything else. That may not have taken away the love I felt, but I came to understand that loving someone does not mean that you belong with them. I wanted substance, and that is what he lacked.
He has yet to understand this. Because we loved, because we shared so much, because we knew each other before life changed us, he feels that the answer lies within me. He discounts the damage we did to each other and never did enough to repair. He discounts so much that I value, so much that I would want and need out of a man in order to build a life with him. He wants to build a life on the clouds, in the comfort of nostalgia. I want to build a life on earth, in the midst of real, true, everyday life.
I am more myself now than I ever was. My dreams and goals and my vision about the kind of man who can accompany me on this journey are clearer than ever before. And it is not him whom I want here by my side.
