| Cuando Hay Que Pagar... Late Summer 2003 In Spanish it's called "pagar los platos rotos," literally, "to pay for the broken dishes." This saying is mainly used when a person makes someone "pay" for something they didn't do. For example, "Because Ms. Kirkbride's students last year cheated on the final, we have to pagar los platos rotos and be videotaped while we take ours this year." In my life, it has been the men in my life who have repeatedly made me "pagar los platos rotos," because of the shit they've suffered with other women, and frankly, I'm quite sick of it by now. This shit goes back to my freshman year in high school and the melodramatic jackass senior I dated, who was so ridiculouly traumatized by the chic who didn't love him back that as a result he treated me like shit, as if I was the one who had done that to him. There are more, naturally, since all the men I've been involved with sharing one common trait: the inability to function in any real, human relationship. I'm so wretchedly sick over all the shit I've had to put up with over the years because of what one or two thoughtless, fucked-up women did to each of them. And the end result is always the same: I end up fed up with all the unfounded bullshit thrown on me, and I end things. As a token of the time we shared, they all leave me with this huge hang-up about the ex-girlfriend (and they all have one -- some revere her in a sad, unrealistic way while others hate her guts -- and it all means the same thing: they're not over it). But I'll leave my insecurities about this matter for another day.... The real bitch of the matter is that I long ago outgrew those behaviors I felt inhibted me from being the kind of girlfriend I wanted to be. It is so fucking frustrating to know that I'm not possessive, that I don't try to change them, and that I try to view each guy for who he is and how he treats me, etc., and to still have to take this immature, ridiculous nonsense. It may not always be easy, but I sure as hell try my hardest to treat people, especially boyfriends, how I want to be treated: that is, with consideration, respect, kindness, recognizing that they are their own people and that it is not for me to judge or boss them, and fully aware that I can't punish them because their predecessors were such assholes. What do I get in return? Broken dishes everywhere, in the shape of mistrust, inability to open up, unwillingness to just give in to the happiness and hope, and stupid lines about how "all women" this, and "all women" that. Here's a fucking newsflash: I am not "all" women, and if you were paying any real attention, you'd see how different I truly am. Actually, here's the real newsflash: I DON'T CARE about the shit some other woman put you through -- it wasn't me! So either get the fuck over it and focus on the actual relationship you're in, or leave me the fuck alone and dump your sad baggage on someone else. If you can't see me for who I am, how I treat you, and recognize that it's different, and, holy shit, that it could actually be better, then what the fuck are you doing with me? Don't waste my time. I need a real man, and real men let the fucking fear go. |
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| Image copyright DC Comics 1979 |