I'm sure there's irony somewhere in this, the fact that I, someone who must control every aspect of her life, have spent the last year and a half caught in an endless spiral of situations and events that I've had little to no control over.
I'm sure someone somewhere, someone who has been dying to see me get my comeuppance, is laughing his or her ass off right now as they contemplate the utter chaos and contradiction that my life has been for well over two years now.
And yet, this is the best time of my life. Not just because I had to lose everything to become the woman I wanted to be; not just because all those crappy sayings -- you always end up with the one you belong with, real love finds a way no matter what, life knows what it's doing -- have turned out to be true, to my benefit; not just because I had to fuck up and learn to swallow my pride and temper my anger in order to survive and not destroy everything in my way. But because I'm doing this all on my own terms. I'm fucking up and learning and growing and getting more and more real on my time, my money, my pace.
And I guess that means more than anything else to me right now, because I've had to learn to slow down, to breathe deeply, to let go. And I never thought I'd be able to learn these things, to gain any sort of perspective on myself, on my life, and on the choices I've made. I'm reveling in my mistakes because I'm actually learning from them and not looking back. I like that I've made bad choices because I'm able to recognize that they were bad.
It's still not easy for me to accept my failures, my moments of stupidity that could've easily been avoided. But I'm accepting that the failures and moments of stupidity are bound to happen, and that I may not be such a horrible person because of it.
And that's a step in the right direction, isn't it?
