Reading over all the stuff I've posted up on this site, a thought struck me: I'm full of shit. Even though I sometimes feel frustrated because I think my site lacks uniformity, or any compelling purpose, I had still always believed that it offered a good insight into my mind, my life, etc., while still giving me enough privacy to protect my identity. My struggle has always been to balance the part of me that is too open and forthcoming with the part that needs privacy, especially in light of the fact that a good number of my readers (though interestingly enough, not the majority) are friends and family.
But reading over my stuff, I realized something that honestly surprised me: while I stand by all I've written, none of it is really that personal. What I mean by this is that sure, I've written about real and true things in my life and how I feel about them. I even admit that I've written about things I probably shouldn't have, and I don't take any of it back. Still, I've revealed no big secrets; even though in my "regular" life I don't really talk about any of these things, or even think much about them, I've shared nothing that I wouldn't be willing to answer questions about. And I'm surprised because as I was writing a lot of these things, I sure felt like I was being revealing, like I was throwing out there a whole bunch of personal stuff that others could (and do) get pissed at me for.
Still, they say very little. I've realized that my real secrets don't get written about here. And I don't mean that in a gossipy, "guess what I found out" type of way. I mean the kinds of things that cut so deep that even writing about them won't free me from them. There are things that are so painful that I apparently can't share them, even if I would like to. And on the whole, these are things that are probably simple in their nature: sad, terrible things that have happened to me that no one, expect for anyone else directly involved in it, knows about; words said to me that struck me so hard they completely altered the course of events, shaping my opinion of the person, moving me to make drastic decisions. And, too, the actions that have either confirmed or contradicted those words. Like the times when, even as they said they loved me, that I was their life and soul mate, a person rejected me in ways that mattered more than the words. That kind of thing, and my powerlessness in being able to do anything about it, hurts too deeply, I suppose, for me to be able to share it on my website.
So maybe you all miss out on the things that really make me tick. You get some of my anger, my amusement, my ranting and raving when I just need to vent and then let the damn thing go. In the right mood I may share the silly, stupid things I do when my reason takes a little break and I (gasp!) lose my cool. You're getting little secrets, little confessions. But I think that my truest thoughts and feelings may not always come across. Quite simply, there are parts of me that I guard too fiercely, and if that makes certain things seem one way, a way that doesn't really match what I feel, and is therefore misinterpreted, well, too bad. It's more important for me that I protect what I need to, even at the expense of others' perceptions of me.
