My ex-boyfriends are all assholes, what are yours?    Summer 2000

That's what I told a co-worker recently, as I recounted some stories of times past when I was suicidal and therefore prone to dating loser-type men.

There was the time that one of them very coolly informed that as a medical school student, women were drooling over him and his future financial prospects, which meant he could have any woman he wanted, so I'd better get my shit together and put out already, or he'd find someone who would.

And the time another one got terribly angry with me and threw an incredible hissy fit because it was his birthday and I had DARED to ask him, more than once, how he wanted to celebrate.

Oh, and the real doozy: the one who had the big  balls to look me in the face and tell me I was the love of his life, but he couldn't break up with his current girlfriend because it would upset her too much, she might actually (gasp!) kill herself.. (A note to men: NEVER try this line when you want to get rid of a girl. Trust me, no woman is going to kill herself over you. You're not that huge a deal).

Image copyright DC Comics 1979

Or how about the one (actually, it was birthday hissy fit) who, as we were breaking up (read: I was dumping his ass), accused me of being "marriage-obsessed" because very early in our relationship I had made the following statement: "I definitely know that one day I would like to get married and settle down." Ok, looking at it written that way, I certainly see "obsessive" written all over it.  Poor boy, what he didn't know was that as those words were coming out of my mouth, in my head I followed it with, "and I definitely know not with you" (he was recycled goods, I knew what I was saying!).

I'm not sure if I should laugh or cry at these displays of.... what do I call it? Masculinity? Cowardice? Machismo? Insecurity? Selfishness? Cluelessness? Immaturity?

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Yes to all.