One step at a time.
Sometimes, a stumble backwards
or a fall to the side.
But step upon step,
moving progressively forward.
At times I feel hopeless.
Then My friend listens and encourages me.
At times I feel my life is void of meaning.
Then my best friend comes to strengthen me.
He shows me where I've come from.
For where I've been is a much darker place,
so I move on.
lured to escape the pain.
busy my mind
stimulate my senses.
several addictions are mine.
entranced, consumed,
always an end.
awake.
another dam breaks.
pain returns, with shame
anger toward the world
turns inward.
i must be to blame.
compulsions are my fault.
one in their right mind surely
takes measures to stop them.
youth, muted and used up.
trying to accept life as it is...
...forever changed by tragic events.
years of mind-numbing indifference,
the cost of escape,
to myself and those around me.
more escape,
more pain to my load.
i know it
but haven't learned it,
discipline is far from me.
i allow pain to override my will
and my conscience.
overwhelmed and immobile.
My constant companion.
I've been your abiding host since birth.
You've been a close friend,
Always providing the familiar
circumstance I craved.
You gave me reason,
Reason to keep hidden in my existence.
At a safe distance are kept
the people, the places, the things.
You've used me.
But I've used you much in return.
But you who stole sleep from my eyes
and years from my life are
no longer welcome here.
You had it good,
but the good life was not enough for you.
so you took more and more of me,
to drain away the last of my life;
down to my very existence.
Pack your bags heavily.
You won't have this home to return to.
No longer will I be your willing victim.
You'll have to find another pawn.
No longer will I succumb to
your every whim.
Life is mine.
Every minute of it will I redeem.
Abundant life is mine;
Not from my own blood,
but by the power of His innocent blood,
now coursing through my veins.
Good-bye, sickness,
My old foe.
For today I declare my
Independence.
You're a liar, and there is no truth in you.
You tell me I'm trapped in this prison of flesh.
You tell me everyone has my sight, and looks away in disgust.
You tell me I am damaged beyond repair.
You tell me there is no life in my eyes.
You tell me it'd be better had I not been born.
You tell me that beauty doesn't come with flaws.
You tell me my feelings will never change.
You tell me I can't face another reflection.
But I do.
And I'm here, again.
In spite of you.
You listen,
but hear only silence.
You look,
but see only darkness.
You tap on the shell,
but there's no answer.
Can't you break through
and free me?
It's only broken from the inside.
In the void, my mind screams,
Help, anyone who'll listen;
Help, anyone who'll care.
The people reach out.
I draw back,
Behind the walls I have constructed
To hide my face.
My God reigns. Rejoice!
My God is still on the throne!
He has not forgotten me!
For He has carved my name
On the palm of His hand.
He never leaves me.
But I do Him.
In the shelter of His wings
Will I hide.
Blameless and spotless
In His sight.
In His presence is
Fullness of joy;
Peace the world
can not understand.
Skin yearning,
Mind churning,
Never learning,
Stopped discerning
Before I could speak.
Shrieks unspoken,
I'm just a token
Of my former self.
Not grateful,
Too hateful,
Fatefulness, I've begun to fear.
Sweet torment,
How can I form it
To reveal only its beauty.
This is mine;
No one else
Deserves the torture.
Desires unfulfilled,
It should've been killed
While I still had the chance.
Beautiful people grieve my confidence.
Envy destroys my self.
When will I see myself
Through the veil of the
One who birthed me.
Blameless and perfect in His sight.
He made provision for my rescue.
Every temptation comes with a way
of escape.
are terrified at the muteness
of my soul.
He who is strong
rejoices in his hold,
dragging my soul
while I lay
dumbfounded,
pulled over the border
of insanity.
Back and forth, over and under,
Like the tide, I've come and gone,
Running away and then back
To His love.
He must be sad, knowing
I'm between sin and Him.
It must hurt Him seeing me fall
Time and time again,
Never learning to follow Him.
The steps seem so large and
Too wide to follow.
But He enlarges my steps under me
So my feet will not slip.
Even now, the churning of my mind
discloses the pages of my life.
Where does it go? Where will it turn?
To the distance. To the horizon.
My steps are short,
buy my steps are sure.
As confirmed by God,
I am given the strength to stand.
He stands alone.
I stand and hide
inside His love.
How can I stretch and move and have being?
How do I place myself beside kings?
How is it that I'm to join with the nobles?
He is meek and not haughty.
And He finds great pleasure
In my company.
Unlike a reed in the wind.
I want to be strong for Him.
Through His strength.,
I will begin.
Run and hide.
Retreat to a warm, safe place.
NO!!!!!
Despite the panic,
I've taken a stand.
Where do we go from here?
Back to the rocks,
Only to be dashed against a stone?
or . . .
forward,
through peace,
to establish serenity.
How is it their hearts
are so free?
How can they be
so light-hearted
When mine is burdened
down.
To go on living;
To bide my time.
To feel too often
One step behind.
To move ahead,
Resting assured.
Not hanging my head,
But being adored.
The One Who made me
Also gave me
What meant all
To Him.
My soul cries out as my skin
bleeds.
Why do you waste your own
blood?
It was His blood sacrificed
for you.
Laid on His back was your
peace.
Many thoughts - my enemies.
Blast 'em; kill 'em all.
Leave me in peace.
Find me serenity.
In the Father's hand is mercy;
grace to live.
When will I move on?
When will I be able?
Able-minded.
Able-bodied.
Today is unfamiliar.
Tomorrow never comes.
Yesterday is clear.
Yesterday is in fiery color.
Today is a dull gray.
Tomorrow is in jewel tones,
Accented in gold.
Move on. Move on.
Stand up. Move on.
Though you falter, sway and fall,
Get up,
Brush it off,
And move on.
Take it in stride.
This is not failure.
This is growing up.
A toddler becomes not a failure
By a fall.
First startled,
But then reassured to continue.
Not to start over
From the beginning,
But to walk from that step forward.
Stand tall.
Look straight ahead
To your goal.
Steps forward,
Measured by feet or only inches
Are still steps to growth.
Stay green and
Willing to grow.
The wind comes and freezes me.
Not from the coolness, not from the fear,
But by my resolve,
Determined to stand strong and firm.
Nothing moves me but
The Spirit's urging.
Nothing stops me
But Godly words.
I long to be caught up
In the current.
Take me downstream to the needy,
Overflow my abundance to my brothers.
Bless me to bless them.
Bless them to bless others.
Let abundance flow through us all.
Come, thirsty one, take your fill.
This spring never runs dry.
As more is drawn, more showers fall,
Filling the well to overflowing.
Rivers of living water.
you swallow up my
grief,
sorrow,
joy,
pain ,
pleasure,
strength,
laughter
and hope.
you replace them with shame.
weariness,
and futility.
you take my thoughts
and twist
them in to
ugliness.
you divert me from people.
you distract me from responsibility.
you separate me from my G-d.
you offer pleasure and escape.
but instead you drown me in misery.
ridiculous.
i know the rules.
i know your lies.
but i walk in,
again and again.
the promise turns on me.
many times burned.
reason wonders why i fan the flames.
lust can never be satisfied.
body becomes stronger
and overpowers spirit and soul.
and i am left,
empty.
Just when I think I have a handle on truth,
I learn something.
Love pays no attention to a suffered wrong.
I thought that meant when I reach the point of
perfect love, then I'll be so overflowing with love
that when someone wrongs me, it won't hurt.
Not true.
Love will not protect me from the pain.
It is no shield against attack.
Walking in love isn't a feeling or an
abundance of love.
It is the conscious decision to not strike
back at the ones who hurt me,
even when I want revenge.
My best friend is my lover,
And he is after my own heart.
His compassion stretches outside his pain,
To reach the midnight in me.
His eyes, rich in discernment,
Keep watch over me.
He stands close-by, ever ready to help,
But never forcing his belief.
Like a warmed quilt in the dead of winter,
His kindness wraps around me.
I thought it impossible to encounter
Such gentleness.
- written after the Heaven's Gate cult mass suicide
They prayed, they said, to the one above,
To one who would rescue them by his love.
Lulled in to the blackness, a promise denied.
But not by the G-d who hung and died.
It was another's voice they heard.
For them, think not their debts deferred.
Upon their own backs, forced to carry their sin.
Paid for by the Lamb, before the world could begin.
In the deep, the beast roars with laughter,
"I am what you came here after."
He beckons to those caught in his cage,
"I've taken your lives; I'll write the last page."
"You forbade the Spirit to flow as a flood.
Now look to the teeth that drink your own blood."
He lives in the heavens, his wings black as the night.
The prince of the power of the air is in flight.
Be on your guard.
Run against the night.
Take up the armor of G-d
For the fight.
Flesh and blood has he none.
Armed for the last battle,
Already begun.
Watch to the day and watch by the night.
To the name Y'shua, he flees in fright.
Too late for 39, laid in a row.
But think of the others, all ready to go.
As sheep among wolves, I send you now.
Be armed and ready, and his knee will bow.
Rebuild the ruins, restore their lost beauty.
Renew the wastelands, it's our joy; it's our duty.
Spring up living well, within my soul.
Save through the current of the Spirit's flow.
They're waiting and hungry to be filled.
Too many are lost, some already killed.
around me
through me
never for my ears
not for my eyes
not about me
not for me
not from me
spoken amongst others
cross-linked by words
i'm left unconnected
envy invades
why not me
never taught
never loved
never given
never seen
good girl
need for nothing
never scream
still locked in
kicking doors
let me go
hold me
lost in memories
she's gone
I'm here
they're grown
but lost
never alone
pain alongside
photographs
ghost images
abuse?
how to reckon
where to put it
can't destroy it
forgive
can't forget
push it back
another one, unloved
incapable of loving
I need water
For cleansing,
For sustenance,
For looking glass.
But this is
No river of life.
This is a tidal wave of
Bondage that surges
Across the land.
The torrent
Brings a plague of death,
To anything that has life,
Anything that has life.
(what it feels like to be in my skin)
agitated but lifeless
fighting but yielding
animated but paralyzed
quiet but noisy
anxious but exhausted
found but searching
peaceful but disturbed
hearing but oblivious
stubborn but passive
eager but afraid
perfect but broken
closed but exposed
free but imprisoned
paramount but inferior
antiseptic but toxic
needy but independent
complicated but shallow
innocent but reprehensible
dependent upon words
tickle my ears
don't speak hard truth
give me softness
gently whisper adulation
grieving for lost touch
wanting wholeness
it will never be
nothing ever satisfies
help me accept truth
i want to move on
avoiding dark clouds
i can't see the path
The ones that aren't mine.
I listen, and watch as wounds
Appear over the scar tissue on my heart.
After all, I have a clear view of my sleeve.
Logic begs me to fight.
But emotion gains ground rapidly.
My mind argues,
And reason is lost.
Perpetuation of lies,
Because I believe them.
The battle is for my mind.
Today, I am losing.
I only exist on the net;
No one but my companion knows me.
Others see only what I allow.
They can shield themselves from the fall-out.
But my mate gets the full force of it.
He can't handle the ugliness.
i want it
blind my mind from this hatred of self
entertain me
excite me
take me away from this place
stop laughing
I want to roam the hundred-acre woods
And play with friends.
Skip with me down the path.
Sit with me beside the stream.
Dance with me in the moonlight.
Skate with me on the frozen pond.
Push me on the swing.
Teach me how to have fun.
I want to forget life.
I WANT TO CHANGE.
I WANT TO FUNCTION.
BUT I AM BEING CONVINCED
BY THE PAST, OTHERWISE.
and replaces them with a fury of
indistinguishable patterns.
too many words at once, combining to form
a different language, spoken to confuse & agitate.
forced to see every detail, problem, fear, flaw,
error, thing undone, speck of dirt, hair out of place,
thing unbalanced, tilted frame, crooked line.
they tease me as i'm prevented from touching
the very objects needing correction.
fear erupts and touches every part of life.
forced to use my mind to type words, trace letters,
chart music, complete lyrics,
compulsively turning fingernails
into weapons against my own skin,
building obsessive anxiety
if i refuse.
they laugh as my life grinds to a halt
while i decide how to open the next door
without touching it.
will someone see me watching
the cracks in the sidewalk?
is someone going to notice as i
match pace with someone's steps?
could they understand why
i have to end on my right foot?
illogical thinking
disturbing trends
progressively worse
drawing all my energies
they say i should do this, i shouldn've have done
that, that's in the wrong order, i didn't do it right,
i'm lazy and stupid and ugly, i'll never be good
enough, i'll never change,
i have no friends,
i can do nothing but breathe,
my only peace is in death.
be quiet
stop screaming at me
it's not my fault
i'm doing what i can
i'm trying to change
diversion
incompetence
failure to thrive
wanting relief
flow out of my mind
pour to the ground
seep under the soil
back to the pit of hell
where you came from.
hating the sudden drop in altitude.
no reason.
or is there.
paranoia about manipulation.
twisted mind game.
not meant for me, but
still stares back,
daring me to say anything.
blasting in my ears,
trying to reach thru the music.
let it out.
let it go.
it settles over my soul.
the dark clouds of gloom
come with the rain on my window.
familiar gray.
i lose myself.
or maybe this is the real me.
yes, he lies.
but this is more familiar than happiness.
i don't want to live here.
tears. stop. go. stop. numb?
numb is never an option.
too out of control feeling.
like the fuzzy feeling of alcohol.
i cringe at the thought of it.
tears. heat. flushed. head pounding.
remind self to breathe.
let me crawl away
in silence
to a dark corner.
leave me here.
no one can get in.
maybe every expression
is manipulative.
wash my eyes.
words and emotions,
stuck in my throat.
Strengthening bonds
And burning bridges,
Extending boundaries
And making new paths.
Don't fear the searing heat,
Let it burn away the chaff.
Like refined gold,
Your purity will shine through.
You won't be alone,
I'll walk with you.
Reach for my hand,
Draw courage from my love.
On the other side
We'll lay on the cool grass
And watch the clouds roll by
As we name each one.
Our silence isn't awkward;
Eyes speak the heart's language.
Toss weariness aside,
And rest in my love.
Look ahead to the
Joy that awaits you.
And walk on,
Through the fire.
thoughts of you,
cliches abound.
upon you, my sun rises and sets.
a ringing phone births elation.
hope destroyed,
you're not there.
mornings are empty
when i don't hear your voice.
i hate needing you.
but i love loving you.
joy and sweet sorrow.
my tormented mind rests
when hearing your breath.
all activity ceases
in attention to your words.
i steal precious seconds
but permanence escapes me.
loneliness and abundance.
i live to see your face.
I reach for you,
But you're not there.
You reach for me,
But I live in the wind.
I see your image,
But it's only sight.
I hear your voice,
But it's only sound, taunting me.
I want to see you smile
And hold your hand.
I want to kiss your cheek
And lay my head on your shoulder.
Wanna watch funny movies?
Can you catch popcorn in your mouth?
I love to hear you giggle.
I didn't know you were ticklish!
Wanna watch sad movies?
Will you hold me
When I close my eyes?
Do you have any idea
How much I care?
I can only hope that
You feel my love.
Because I can't know you
From here.
She's a superfreak....
.....and the high is addictive.
Living by her passions,
She trolls by night
And dreams while awake.
Alone in the flickering light
In the dark with a fantasy,
She escapes the cruel reality...
...while someone waits patiently
For her return.
Immaturity and misunderstanding,
Her inheritance.
She takes more than she gives.
The higher she flies,
The farther she falls,
Headlong, into the dirt.
He picks her up, brushes her off,
And shows her true love that she was
Too far gone to see.
He gives all,
Unconditionally.
She breathes it in, fulfilled at last.
Hunger, anger, loneliness and weariness return,
And so does she,
To the high that never satisfies.
Reality - there is no escape.
Only a cycle of mourning,
If allowed.
Amazed within the depths
Of your love.
Overjoyed in knowing
Your affection.
Look in my eyes, My Love,
Tell me what you see.
I am but a reflection of yourself,
But instead, one you adore.
Oh, that you could feel the
Quickening of my breath
When I search your eyes.
Oh, that you could
Know my mind,
And read how many thoughts
Belong to you.
Leave the world behind,
If only for a moment.
And let me be all you see.
Hold on to the strength.
I find myself in you.
In joy and sorrow,
Through tears and laughter,
I am here.
In wonder and weariness,
Through simplicity and majesty,
I am here.
Your tears I treasure
As much as your smiles.
I want to see you.
I wish I could be with you
there in the dark
to wrap you in my arms
and whisper promises
of better days.
Time runs swiftly
When love is at hand.
It is easier to grasp water.
Time torments the longing heart.
It divides the here from there
And keeps two from being one.
Time moves slowly
When love is hindered.
Every second is weighted.
Time listens,
But ignores
The lonely soul's plea.
Time breathes,
And lovers reunite
For another day of wholeness.
distance,
mocking
the love between us
confusion,
stealing
the joy of clarity
silence,
as it echoes
through this house
numbness,
left in
place of tranquility
forbearance,
until
we meet again
dive into the torrent with me
let us drown in each other's love.
allow passion to overtake us
and wash away the filth of the world.
lips on skin
whispers of healing breaths
warmth surrounding all that we know
we alone, exist
this is what's real
the only moments that we own
i won't let them go
Neither of them aim to doubt,
But fear encases broken hearts.
They desire to surrender all,
But damaged souls cry for safety.
Seeking answers from all directions,
Their past is slowly chipped away.
Growth turns wounds to scars,
Then love can span their whole hearts.
With tendrils wrapped around me,
You blind me to the truth.
You pick through the surface,
And scratch at my soul.
Scraping away both pain and joy,
You numb me to all but my addictions.
I allow you this,
For the feelings seem too much to bear.
Generated from my mind,
I know they lie.
But I feel them from my past,
They are part of my present.
Lonely, afraid, unwanted, abandoned,
Confused, hopeless, anxious, regretful, guilty,
Ugly, worthless.
Shoved and stuffed into the mill,
You grind them all into lust.
Responsibility beckons to me;
Love calls my name.
Good intentions give way to bad behaviour,
Hope melts down when pain erupts.
The cycles grind to a halt.
I hide in myself.
I must reach out for help,
But even the thought terrifies.
I need boldness,
I need to push through and recover,
Despite the pain.
I need persistance,
For this will be neither easy nor quick.
I need to stop saying, "why me",
And start saying, "I'm ready to work".
I'm so uneasy and afraid.
exhaustion
two hours sleep
soaked in sticky heat
open windows
cold mist
refreshing and biting
more meds
dull ache
ceiling study
stale thoughts
overwhelming failure
wish to not think
want to not feel
bad thoughts
toss, turn
squeeze eyes shut
fetal position
wish i wasn't there
ceiling calling
invading thoughts
confusion
fear
incompetence
nothing on tv
warm shower
raw skin
too much trouble
not enough care
painful glances
bright lights
former damage done
proof of beauty eclipsed by pain
pink chenille
transparent tape
words from friends
unconsoled
misty
now i'm here
5AM backache & RLS. Didn't stir, just
lied there, opening up to the environment.
Arm draped over my love, cheek on his
shoulder, I listen to him breathe.
A steady rain is falling, an occasional
flicker of lightning brightens the room.
My dog Mac rolls over and lets out a
long, resettling moan.
Soft kitty fur brushes against my bare feet,
along with the vibrations of Tigger's purr.
I lingered in the moment as long as was
possible, drinking it in. I felt content.
The sentence breaks, and words begin
swirling around the room, drifting to
nowhere.
White letters against brown haze.
Ruthless without end.
Wrap myself up in the horror.
It should be familiar by now.
Wishing difference.
Lost hope returns and fades.
And I'm left again to internal anarchy.
eyes, discerning
brow, furrowed
mind, tormented
lips, soft
muscles, strong
body, weary
hands, gentle
taste, eclectic
humor, non-conforming
talents, creative
perspective, thoughful
emotions, fragile
heart, broken
trust, shattered
intentions, selfless
devotion, bestowed
love, lavish
adoration, unequaled
soul, my match
I'm not enveloped.
I'm consumed.
I am a house of cards . . .
Structure without substance,
Peculiar, empty, unstable and fragile.
Friendship aroused love.
Intimacy gained courage from trust.
Joy blossomed in spite of bitter roots.
take away my mirrors
pack me away in the attic
hide my hideous face
shellac finger pads
bond fingernails
remove sense of touch
leave me to the dark
let the snow fall on my face
chill me to the bone
match the bitterness in my heart
i'm in swirls of yesterday
and last week
and ten years ago
regrets swim through me
grief covers my joy
loss consumes my days
she strapped on a tool belt
and wore a black and yellow Cat Diesel cap.
she followed him to the garage
to hang out while he worked.
she asked him about things she thought
he'd like to talk about.
she bragged to classmates about
his greatness.
she tried to be a good fishing buddy and
sat close to him whenever she could.
scoot over, he said.
you're too close.
barely 10 years old.
still longing for a daddy
who has no need for a daughter.
Tired of hurting.
Missing words and side glances
Heap up self-hatred.
I would run out the door if I could.
Instead I stagger and grab anything solid.
I crumble to the floor.
No quick fixes,
No safe places.
Tired of this life.
I can't keep this up.
undesirable
unconsumed
unsatisfactory
insufficient
lacking brilliance
scarred
torn
scratched
scraped
crumpled
Feeling cold today. Want to sleep. Want
to be somewhere else besides work. Need
to write.
Thoughts race and my head swirls.
I prefer twirls, with pink lace and tights.
I want to be the three year-old ballerina
again, whose voice confidently reached
every room in the house.
I miss that one who looked up with
wide-eyed wonder, lying beneath the
clouds, making up songs and chatting
with her Daddy G*d.
As a child, I spent most of my
free time alone. I walked and biked
through neghborhoods, to the mall and
libraries. I sang and danced there on the
grass, and acted out scenes in front of
the bathroom mirror.
I know and understand the biological
reasons that I ended up here. Each person
has their own burdens to bear. But
something within me still cries out for
reasons. Dear G*d, why did it happen?
Why can't I go back? Where did it go
wrong? Where did I go so terribly wrong?
I know that if I continued diligently in
this thought pattern, I would fill up with
denial and slip into a mad fantasy world.
I've teetered on the edge before, so I know
it's possible.
I must beware and convince myself that
I can handle this. I plan and hope to
change. But by the grace of G*d, if I
don't change, I can live the rest of my
life this way.
I can. I will.
stuck in this groove.
why can't i shake this off?
fragile,
breakable,
broken,
scratched,
unstable,
scattered,
tossed,
blown,
in pieces.
weak, objectionable, obscene, perverted freak.
talk within my hearing is
petty and pointless!
shut up.
unfit.
1 more hour.
3 more days.
2 days less pressure.
back to counting hours and days.
the years die while i'm counting.
the nothing devours me.
rigid encounters with darkness.
yielding partner in the game.
waiting for nothing.
nothing always comes.
bad thoughts racing.
not mine, not mine, not mine.
cast them off. comb them out.
leathery wings, salivating eyes and
the smell of sulphur surround me.
find me. find me.
don't want to need
cringe at the crave
despise my greed
appears i'm hard on self
but i'm truly to blame
tired of sleeping and waking with tears
i don't feel empty
i'm full of pain
My soul aches,
My spirit grieves.
Run far from me
Else you will
Cry in desperation
For escape later.
Slipping in under a shroud of darkness. I don't notice until the stench
of his breath reaches my nostrils. He takes a stronghold in my mind, and
toys with my fears. Manipulation turns my stomach sour as he wrings
life from my soul. My heart is next. Precious dreams and plans die of hopelessless. My body weakens into a walking corpse. Where is the hope now.
last night.
tears
quietly streaming at midnight.
skin
taut from dried salt on my cheeks.
ungrateful and wanting much.
body exhausted and aches for rest
but fights its own instinct for sleep.
explosive impulses
heat up muscle and joints.
try to shake it off.
continues to prod and
grow stronger.
took more traz
played more solitaire
held my breath when he stirred.
no reason to wake him.
it's just another night of this.
emptiness intrudes.
bliss recedes.
memories fade.
hope, strained.
life's clutter litters my path.
i can't see the next step.
but it must be there.
paint a view.
fill my heart.
so desperately.....i need.
burden another with my troubles.
do what you can, and share the rest.
no rest in sight....only fog.
fear strikes.
wrists curl in pain.
eyes beg for mercy.
words come
but meanings fail me.
betrayed by my own mind.
why did they have to ignore me?
why did they have to have me?
bitterness has a foothold and
eats away at my peace.
i run for the caves and
hide in the unsafe places.
i bring more torment.
Confession is not Repentance.
Regret is not Healing.
Bitterness is a Thief.
Judgement is Rampant.
Knowledge is Scarce.
Compassion seems Non-existent.
Consistency has no Pattern.
Twisted, eff'd up, lying manipulative bitch.
You deserve to lose everything you have.
It isn't fair to place mandates on others. It
isn't fair to entice others into your nightmare.
No fantasy pic here - only the shadows of
other victims who dared swim in my wake.
Miserable narcissist, you're more insufferable
with each passing day. It's you who torment
your own mind. You eat away at your own
sanity. You're causing the hollowness of
your soul. When will you learn to dance?
I am misery. I drain others of life force. I
hate hurting one who is part of me. I'm
ashamed.
Fear has me in chains.
I have the only key.
I shall grit my teeth, and sob, and take it. I
still have hope or I wouldn't be here now.
More to write but losing grasp of words
and my eyes are crossing. Wish I had time
off. Gonna be hellish tomorrow at work.
white trash
twisted
perverted
slut
You turned into your own worst nightmare.
They've already come and taken you away.
You'll never be happy.
You'll never be half the person I am.
You'll never have any peace.
You have no idea what kind of hell is awaiting you.
You have no honor or discretion.
You live your life between your legs intead of
from your heart.
You live by your passions alone.
Everything I've said about you, you brought
upon yourself, because it's the truth, and the
truth hurts.
You've turned into your poetry.
swallow the tears;
they don't belong here.
catch your breath.
ignore the panic.
it'll go sometime.
suck it up and carry on.
you should have better
ways of coping by now.
So much of life is painful and empty.
I seek escape.
Alienation follows.
It fastens mirrors over my eyes.
I see nothing but myself,
Ugly and gazing into the face of death.
Will this never end,
Will I never learn.
So hard to learn without a teacher.
Me...again in a scary place. But this time it feels unbearable. I want to groan in pain during my waking hours.
And my nights are filled with restlessness. My mind wonders how I can possibly bear up under the weight
and endure even harder things to come.
I want to disappear. I want sleep. I want peace. I want a new life. I want to be happy. But there's a terrible
price to pay. Someone, please tell me it's worth it.
I believe it will be, but I'm in knots right now and don't know how to get through the next hour. But I must.
I'll just do whatever the next thing is.
I just want a good life. I'm not even demanding happiness. I'd settle for a lighter burden.
notice me, see me, sing to me, dance
with me, touch me, hug me, love me,
kiss me, miss me.
draw me away from my tormentors.
bring me peace.
show me serenity.
aww, fuck it. gimme Godiva and Mt. Dew.
it'll do for now.
inside the house is celebration
yet i sit crying on the door step
angel wings shelter me from only what i allow
feet of bronze keep me safe from only what i approve
i know He's with me, in my spirit
but what do the angels do when i turn away
So tired of tears.
Wasted time, wasted thoughts, wasted
Intentions, wasted life.
I need hope. I need vision.
Tired of hurting.
Weary of being crushed.
Where are your words.
I hate this beast who shadows my joys.
I despise this dog who gleefully laps up my tears.
Depression is evil.
I feel powerless.
Unknown temperance.
Questionable boundaries.
Unquenchable thirst.
I am nothing without being constantly filled.
Assure me, confirm me as worthy.
Contant greed.
Ache.
Whether harsh words or half-hearted smiles,
Intentional or subconscious,
it's still manipulation.
Peace is elusive when I seek my own way.
It's time for a bonfire.
I have cards, I have letters, I have poems,
I have pain in a crate.
I want to smell the destruction of the past.
I want to watch words turn to black,
The color painted over my heart.
I prefer ashes to those memories.
Need to let go.
Stop consuming myself with questions.
It only brings confusion and more pain.
And distracts me from life.
My therapist said he's worried about me
being apathetic.
But I don't really care.
You can choose to be happy or sad about it.
Solitary, paranoid, obsessive,
Always looking back
And seeing every detail.
Fear often overtakes me.
I fly alone....
...free-falling head first
Into the branches.
Then I wonder why my
Injuries never heal.
My air dances aren't tests of courage.
My power dives don't feed me.
As I speed toward the earth,
I'm the only prey.
Tonight was no exception.
Hope, mixed with fear and dread,
becomes servant to insecurity.
It only takes a moment for hope to vanish,
allowing the liar, rejection,
to settle in.
The beast brings reinforcements to
accuse me of being unlovable, repulsive,
unwanted, ugly, stupid, foolish, needy,
worthless and tiresome.
This is more than skin deep.
First and last,
I am middle ground and foreground.
It stirs its ugly head,
Seeking another next victim.
I carry the pain,
But He took all the blame.
The pain lives and breathes
Throughout my being.
Strong and weak,
Arrogant and meek,
Coming and going,
Foolish and knowing.
From an unseen tear,
To a lone cry in the dark.
From an inward sigh,
To a searing, inner storm.
All kinds of people
All kinds of pain.
Feelings.
They're always about me.
They visit in truth and in lies.
I want to hide my ugliness.
I want to bare my flesh and scream.
Exposed, embarassed,
Thirsty and bare,
Unfit to arouse.
Eyes do not feast on me,
Hands do not yearn for me,
Lips do not pant for me.
There is no constant craving
Except the one in my bones.
Truth is hard, and I am
Ruthlessly, constantly needy.
unlovely.
blatantly selfish.
bitter to taste.
sinking under waves.
full of self.
dying from simple things.
repulsion of desire.
keep laughing
and pretending
and creating the invisible for me.
no rest for you.
no peace.
sonnets at noon-time.
pour poetry out of your soul
at daybreak.
sing my song at dinner.
Death begs, hearing my silent screams.
Convulsions of unimportant dwellings
On my mind in nothingness
And in willingness to give all for change
And wanting relief or moreso release
From this hell of a life.
I want sleep from the hunger in my skin
And to drink deeply of knowledge
Without cumbersomeness of needs for
Love in my wits.
No creed to live by
Only welts of time
Eeking out an existence
Running from responsibility
Dreaming of satisfaction
And blankets of warm love
With lust being okay
And living worthwhile
And sex being fun and not addictive,
Of time for life licking me well
And truth being more palatable than wealth,
Where children always have caring parents
And nightmares live only on screens
And arms wrap 'round the unlovely
And reassurance is there without asking
And sanity...........is permanent.
Can you, can you, can you tell?
Will i crash or will i panic?
It can't be bad - i feel so well!
Increase my lithium,
Avoid caffeine?
Who, me? compulsive?
From one tiny gene?
Wanna be loud!
How've you been these days?!
Yeah it's been awhile,
Left behind my haze.
Wanna clean something,
Make it clear as my sight!
Maybe dance til dawn,
Or eat chocolate all night.
I know i have friends,
Some just quiet i fear.
Shouldn't go there i think,
One might shed a tear.
Best not to ponder
Lack of surroundings too deep.
Gotta stay here, not wander,
I prefer not to weep.
Gotta keep it up,
How i feel so alive!
Why bring a quick end?
The expected nose dive.
There's no recognition
Of a hormone imbalance.
PMS? not already!
Again hooked in its talons?
Stop invincible thinking,
You'll bring on a fall.
To gluttony, or worse
Have i yet tried it all?
Shouldn't have begun this,
Seemed enjoyable to start.
But inevitability
Plucks the strings to my heart.
tell myself they aren't true
but they insist on being heard
it should be trivial and insignificant
but logic doesn't make it passed the hurt
where's the caffeine
next search for d.o.c.
and it shakes me awake, to my bones.
i suddenly realize i'm alone.
and destitute in soul.
i bring it on myself.
cryptic it stays.
Leave tears in the daytime,
Seared by hustle and bustle.
Fear is lying to you.
Wring it out, leave it in a puddle
Beside your bed.
Dream of hopes.
Search for warmth
Outside of human comfort.
Lay it down
And rest easy.
And,
If you can't -
Weep softly 'til dawn.
i were calm and collected
and felt protected
from the brushes
against the heart
on my sleeve.
disconnected from people.
worried about me.
awkwardly pushing against negativity
without full force of the greater power
because the fear of injury
motivates me over a passion for life.
so i suffer and self-hate
and attempt protection
of his grief-stricken life
while i continue to withdraw.
there are no friends but my G*d.
too many times told by all sorts of people
that i hold the keys to friendship.
i'm tired and i'm scared and i need support.
i love you's from here and there.
but you do not know me,
and cannot answer my deep questions
with evidence of devotion.
i'm the same in the cyberspace i traveled.
such good friends but only for the care of wounds
and practical tips for life.
so backward i don't recognize friendship.
afraid of calling someone friend.
terrified i will lose them, too.
and then there's the last one.
her voice is still in my head.
her taunts and teaser tone.
another freakin' tape in my head.
where do i go? but to the L*rd?
i, too, need a G*d with skin, who makes himself known.
so inwardly turned that i see no one else.
i see few pure motives and have no cause for my neighbor.
don't want to despise who i am
but hold little hope of change.
still the frightened little girl,
only now in big shoes and butch facade.
i ran too far away
no belonging
i can't hear him
claim me
say my name
-
without prefix of a question,
there are implications in saying
"i trust you".
-
i am yet another pressure
-
i want to get away
Why do it?
Let's wallow in it!
Destroy what's left of our lives.
Perpetual victims.
FIGHT!
Or you damn yourself.
Victory is
Handed to you.
Stand.
"Go pray about it."
I'm bleeding.
"Go read your bible."
I'm bleeding.
"That's just the devil."
I'm bleeding!
"Where's your faith?"
My dear brothers, where is the wine?
Where is the oil?
Where is the Balm of Gilead of which you speak?
Are you not my family?
You have no trouble finding your food,
Yet you despise me for eating too much.
You want me to speak of my troubles
Yet you're appalled at my words.
You expect me to gleem like crystal,
But I am the chipped china cup.
I am something of value to be cherished;
Real and flawed, like any man.
You welcome David's writings,
Yet you rebuke me for lying on my bed of affliction.
Yes, His grace is sufficient.
But why do you not cry with those who mourn?
I will now show you the happy, shiny, me.
You will see only the high pole.
I dare never reveal the shroud
That envelopes my soul.
My fear of man is indeed a snare.
David prayed to G-d for boldness.
G-d heard him
And gave him a stout heart.
I prayed to G-d.
He heard me
and set me in a family.
The church says come
and dine,
For the table is ready.
doves cooing as they settle.
he shows me he believes i'm pretty and desirable.
suddenly, my world changes.
the impossible can be imagined.
it's dangerous how i go
over the edge of needing.
it turns me to salt.
G-d should be my source
but i hide from Him in shame.
i allow him sustenance me but little else.
He sees & knows all
but i deny myself.
how can i stand before His gaze?
why do i forget His great love?
turn up tolerance.
i know they're lies.
i don't want to die.
give up, maybe,
but not die.
do they ever stop?
i am strong, says the weak.
i am healed, says the sick.
i am alive, says the stagnant.
this has been my lot
makes for cruel interpretation
too many joys i forgot
winds of change rustle my hair
but subtle nudging
what is the point of telling the tale of me in my car dreading the pavement,
watching the clock,
shrinking from the inevitable responsibility of stepping out of my car,
not caring if i'm late,
but afraid of being caught
on the way to my desk.
they don't know and don't care about me as
i give them little reason to.
why churn up the muck?
most unpleasant to look at
there floating on top once it's dredged up.
meditating expands the slick,
coating all life it touches.
I just don't follow them.
I have beliefs.
I just don't practice them.
See it in his eyes!
Charred layers of shame
Painfully peeled from his heart.
Cleansing wine and healing oil
Poured in and on.
Revealing priest and king
Robed in righteousness.
Sealed by His Holy Spirit,
Making manifest
the kingdom of God.
Righteousness, peace, joy.
And He sings over you.
too old.
Too smart and
too naive.
Too bound and
too free.
And continued
and such.
pass the cup of blessing
tip it til i swoon.
break the
bread of heaven.
feed my body & soul.
break me.
pour me out.
What the ?#&@! is she saying?!
Your feet may catch fire.
you're on your own, kid
no recovery
i can't do this
i can't do anything.
The Bride of Christ,
Avoiding the call of death to
Sin, ambition, prejudices.
Buried in baptism,
Raised to a living death.
Appointed to live
By resurrection power.
Chosen, appointed, annointed.
Submit.
Be equipped to
carry my cross.
Before death,
a cross of shame.
After resurrection,
a cross of power, authority,
reconciliation.
No excuses for sin,
Long since carried by God.
No grounds for constant turmoil,
Peace purchased in full.
Dead to sin,
Alive to God and His
good earth.
Atlanta's pines
and Junipers
are dripping glass.
common the next.
yesterday, venerated.
tomorrow, disdained.
omnipresent, invisible
yet deposed by
imagination
Strung across
The bathroom mirror
Awake me with
Daily incense,
Redeeming my
Confidence.
Renewing my
Existence.
He adores me.
I decay without you.
Your word layers
Flesh on my frame.
My hope claws for you;
I scantly see the truth.
Your gentleness
Sustains me.
My body is angry;
I rush to strike the rock.
Your kindness draws me
To the stream.
My loneliness ignites fear;
I distrust antique promises.
Your fierce love
Holds me fast.
My soul is crushed;
I am bathed in blood.
Your love and justice
Confound me.
Or do we trample the sage
In our haste to reach
The promised land.
penned dogs
guilty of birth
pacing away the days
until freedom of
death finds them
bound sows
docked tails
burned beaks
broken wings
clipped toes
meet your meat
factory farming
modern miracle
designed by greed
fed by gluttony
of the masses
absent the compassion
of family farm
earth is wasting
yet lust remains
our priority
craving the very weapons
of our destruction,
body and soul
wrap my wound round me
sheltered insignificance
wasted sweetness
pain spurs addiction
addiction births
its own pain
succeeding in
turning focus to shame
instead of root cause
awkward
alone
unfocused
insecure
my cycle is
used to cope
against the badger
of my soul
oils of self-abuse
soothing cyanide
reward
consolation
intoxication
snubbed flesh & blood
blackballed mother
scorned altar
defiant self-reliance
opaque soul
barred mind
roots of fear
branches of self-pity
leaves of behavior
preoccupying pleasure
tedious dead time
distracted disobedience
green on ivory
captain eo
pendulums with parachutes
exposed roots hugging the lake
hearing love
truth in intention
tripped by reality
too expensive
afterthoughts
blood serums of stone
fat baby
unstoked fire in a cracked kiln
glass on china
seething bitterness
facts without empathy
truth missing mercy
selfish promises
lasso the moon
break me from myself
nonsensible yearnings
approval addiction
soft whisperings
hostility amidst commitment
in the dark.
pained not to.
bashful need.
no beams on my face
hide crystal revelations.
need scurries away
in the light.
i argue of
necessity
versus what i can
live without.
struggling normality.
obviously not the example.
feeling reasonable
yet clearly an exception
needing a
blanket of flesh,
while my sisters are
satisfied with a word.
i would prefer
that simplicity.
i wish i were stone,
and my flesh, unaware.
peculiar feminity.
sight driven.
rare percentages.
denied kinship.
i see no value in it.
choke it down.
conceal it.
write it.
be the rock.
cycles of forgiveness.
this must be life.
but waves of pain
become undercurrents.
i lose
my footing,
and with it,
my dignity.
Led by the breath of heaven
Finger-tipped palms greet Him
Light and word process to His side
Tears wiped by song
Sacrifices of worship
Children twirl
Upon the threshing floor
Blessed by death
Released in resurrection
Empowered by Spirit
Adoption by blood
Heaven welcomes hearts
Saints encircle sinners
Invisible God showing
Himself In Christ
Vows renewed
Patterns of rosary
Colors of honor
Ancient testimony
They who were not a people
Become the tribe
Emptied fragments
Form the body
From the foundation of the world.
of incense
perfuming the sun.
Follow the furnace
of decalogue
shadowing the moon.
March through
enlarged steps.
Dance among
the stones.
Feast in sight
of mama bears.
pondering pieces,
pathways,peril.
provential pride.
promiscuous patience.
At the place of the skull,
Horror and holiness meet.
A foolish cross
divides the world.
Redemption,
Wrapped in terror.
Divine injustice.
A gift of tragedy.
One grain caught on my nose.
It led me to laundry.
It led me to laugh.
It led me to strive for one day.
On the cusp of hope,
It left me to despair.
