| Pyschic Homies Hotline |
| Your favorite Psychic homie, Gaud, has hired me on as a new psychic homie, sicne he's busy with so much important shit. I'm the one, the only, The BJQueen. Feel free to bow down to me. I will be taking all your calls from now on, so remember the number: 1-800-IMA-DUMBASS. |
| Aries: The cops are closing in on you! They know about the bodies buried in your back yard! Your best bet is to move to Tahiti! Today! Aquarius: Today you'll discover that everyone hates you. This has been true for your entire life, but you've only noticed now. Cancer: Aliens will kidnap you and take you to the planet Meggbut in the Moritnnub galaxy. You will teach them many new things, like how to make farting noises with your armpits. Then they will be offended, since they don't HAVE armpits, and will have you disintegrated. Capricorn: Get that cucumber out of your ass and live a little! You're too boring! Gemini: Today, someone will try to force you to make a decision. You will kill them and throw them into the nearest lake. Leo: Someone will try to convince you that you're not as intelligent and good looking as you know you really are. Don't worry. Other people are stupid. You know you're great! Libra: Get off your lazy ass and get a job already!! Scorpio: Stop having sex with your neighbor's chickens. He just bought a brand new hunting rifle, and will be hiding in the bushes tonight. Sagitarrius: Today you will realize that 123 regular sex partners is 3 too many and you'll have to make the difficult decision to dump them. Take my advice....you do not need to be dating your mom, your sister, and your dead uncle! Pisces: You're too stupid to understand any of this. So why should I bother? |
| BJQueen: Psychic Homies Hotline, whazzup? Customer: I need some advice about my job. BJQueen: You've been jerking off in the bathroom again, I see. Customer: What?? No, I'm thinking of changing jobs! BJQueen: Ah, I see. The spirits are telling me that you don't like your job because your boss refuses to give you head. Customer: No! I just want a better paying job! My boss is a man! BJQueen: So you're gay. I thought so. How long have you known that you're gay? Customer: I'm NOT gay! You're not listening to me! BJQueen: If you're going to yell at me, I'm not going to help you. Customer: You're not helping me anyway, you stupid bitch! BJQueen: Well, I'm very sorry you feel that way, sir. My only advice to you is to come out of the closet. Don't deny your true feelings! And tell your boss how you feel about him. I'm sure he'll appreciate it. Customer: Fuck you! *click* Ah, another satisfied customer! What are you waiting for? Call NOW! |
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| We can predict your future (If you believe that you're as stupid as Miss Cleo). |