Most of us are familiar with the phenomenon whereby the Alzheimer patient does not recognize their own reflection any more, either in a mirror or in a car window. This is due to brain cells dying out, and they are not replaced – which causes the patient to actually NOT know who they are looking at!! Think of the brain as a computer system which has ‘glitches’ caused by lack of blood flow to the brain – Different areas of memory are affected, even entire YEARS are completely erased. So, for the typical Alzheimer patient, the PAST becomes their PRESENT – while the PRESENT becomes the FUTURE. This means that they are living in the PAST, where their brain cells are still alive, alert and functioning. This may be at the age of 70, 60, 50 or even further back. But this becomes their PRESENT, their ACTUAL REALITY. It would be as if WE were transported suddenly 25 years ahead in our own lives, into our FUTURES – we would be just as lost, confused, terrified and irritated as THEY are!! They do not understand their futures, any more than we would – We would not recognize ourselves as old people either. I remember showing my mother a mirror and her telling me that 'she looked like an old lady’, she did not know who she was!! I showed her picture albums and she knew herself up to the age of 50 years old – All pictures after that point in time were completely foreign to her, erased in her own memory banks, never to be retrieved. It is my personal, and very strong, opinion that WE, the caregivers of the Alzheimer patient, should make the effort to function in the PATIENT’s REALITY, which is THEIR PAST, wherever their brain is still alive, alert and functioning. It is far easier for US to spend what time we are with them, listening to them share from the vast storehouse of information and experiences, whether it be 20 years ago or further. We can learn a lot from their recollections, because the brain remembers things in great, vivid detail. The alternative is to argue and conjole them to live in OUR REALITY, which is to them, a FUTURE they do not understand, is either a nightmare or a dream they cannot make sense of – Arguments ensue, hurt feelings evolve, and confusion reigns. It takes so little for us to step into THEIR shoes and look through THEIR eyes, live in THEIR reality if only for a little while – And so less exhausting than trying to continually force them to live in OUR realities, just so that WE can feel more secure!! After all, it is the PATIENT whose welfare we are trying to protect and develop, never our own….I know a lot of people fear that their loved one will some day not recognize THEM, and they are not sure how they will handle the pain of suddenly being a ‘non-entity’. However, it is my personal experience that my mother not recognizing ME was not the saddest part of her illness. Rather, it was when she no longer recognized HERSELF, the things that had brought her great joy in this life, the pleasures in living upon earth were gone, her personality disintegrating, bit by bit, piece by piece, until little else remained….I do have one golden memory that stands out during those years of caring for my mother. After having a major stroke and being in a coma for a few days, my mother suddenly woke up. She found herself in the hospital bed in our home, and for some reason her mind had gone back to the time when she was hospitalized to give birth to ME!! I came into the room and she asked me who I was – I told her my name and she said, my, I just named my own daughter that name!! I looked into my own mother’s eyes and she was literally glowing with joy and pride!! I knew I had discovered a secret not many children will EVER have the opportunity to witness or grasp, that moment of birth when your own mother is totally in rapturous awe at the thought of YOU coming into their lives!! At that moment, looking into her glowing eyes, I knew what I had longed to know my entire life – That I was truly loved, wanted and desired. My mother loved me!! It was like having an entire glimpse into a past I could NEVER enter otherwise, and what I found was great joy and beauty!! I will never forget the glow of the love my mother carried for me on my birth…..So, in closing, think about how the Alzheimer patient has experienced a total altered reality – Their perceptions are altered forever – As the disease progresses, they lose more active brain cells and retreat further and further back into their memories, into the lives they once lived. This is not like a MEMORY to them now – It is an ACTUAL LIVING REALITY!! And once in a great while, we get the unique privilege of a glimpse inside their minds, their hearts, their very souls. What we find there is not chaos or turmoil – Instead we find great joy and love in great abundance – We find the beauty of the soul!!© 1999 Dorothy Womack

I address this article to those of you who are the remaining spouse, having placed your loved one into a care facility:

Perhaps you are the type person who needs to stay busy rather than just sit at home in order to cope the best with this situation known as Alzheimers. I would suspect this is the case, and God is making a way of escape for you by leading you to influential people in order to make a significant difference in the lives of otherl Alzheimer patients and caregivers!! As far as your PERSONAL life goes, you are in the midst of living your grief out already. Even though your mate is still alive in their body, you have and are sustaining DAILY losses of them - Their personality is deteriorating along with their body - you are completely separated from your companion of a lifetime. You know that nothing is ever going to be like it was before - your home which you shared is just an empty reminder of better days and also of the trauma which you endured when they were there with you. Grief started for you long before they got in the care facility and it will continue on after their physical death for a period of time too. The feelings you have are NORMAL, given that you are suffering losses every single day of them in some form or another. And you probably never intended to be apart from them until one of you died. But in alot of ways, they are dying in front of you on several levels. Although you KNOW that their spirit remains unchanged and lives on forever, it is not very often that you SEE this side of them when you are together. Right now, it is hard for you to grasp that YOU ARE NEVER ALONE, even though they are leaving your life a little at a time every single day....you know the grief of caregivers around the world, the grief of separation from a lifetime partner who has not left this world yet. You will one day face and accept that they have gone on to Heaven and left you behind in this world. But please remember, NONE OF THIS WAS BY THEIR CHOICE - For some reason none of us may ever understand, this disease took them away from you and they cannot come back like they were, strong and dependable, communicative and protective - Those days are gone for good. Part of the grief is facing these undeniable painful losses as they occur and then finding the strength in God to overcome their staggering potential - I believe this is what you are attempting to do by continuing to be a part of the world around you. The longer you have loved someone, the longer and more pronounced your grief will be - You grieve NOW while they still remain in their body - You will grieve MORE when they leave - But eventually that grief will turn to a form of peaceful acceptance, and you will know they have gone on ahead of you, but it will not bring you pain and devastation any longer. You will have come to a place of acceptance over all of this, every single bit of it. Grief is a process, does not end overnight and the more sensitive you are, the longer it takes. You can expect grief to last up to 6 months or as long as 5 years, depending on the person. It is because you are so sensitive and love so deeply, that you grieve so much. But it is also this quality that God uses in public avenues to reach those who need to HEAR, who need to SEE, who need to LEARN, all that YOU can teach them as His vessel. So, lean wholly on the arm of the Lord, He will not fail you ever - Try not to reason out WHY all this has occurred, cuz you will not find any answers this way - Take every day as God leads you, and never lose sight of the truth the you and your loved one are ONE, for ETERNITY, whether in your bodies or not - And remember that LOVE IS THE MOST IMPORTANT COMMODITY WE HAVE ON THIS EARTH. Walk in it always, and you will be okay in the outcome, I promise you this……@2000 Dorothy Womack

Depression seems to be part and parcel of becoming a caregiver to a loved one. Depression is, in reality, anger turned inward. This is not always obvious, nor is it easily admitted to – There are so many areas we experience anger along the way – As we watch our loved one struggle to do simple tasks, watch them decline in mind and body, watch them lose their independence and eventually their lives in the process….We, as caregivers, also experience simultaneously many losses of our own. We realize we are totally helpless in the face of encroaching illness and intense suffering – We cannot wave a magic wand and give our loved ones back their sense of control, nor can we retain the delusion that we have much control ourselves. We are merely outstretched hands to help our loved one to live as comfortably as possible in the days remaining to them. Often, depression stems from extended stress, or is situational in origin. This is due to the tremendous responsibilities that fall to us as the caregiver, to give 100% and go beyond that many times over, doing whatever is necessary to insure quality care for our loved one. There is also clinical depression, of which I personally suffer, which is biochemical and inborn to the person, which adds to the overload and wreaks great havoc in its wake. Some days I found it hard to keep going on, keep doing, keep giving – However, it was during those times that I realized that it was my efforts which enhanced the quality of my mother’s remaining days. Without my help, her suffering would have been intolerable. So, while I was unable to escape my depression, I was still quite aware that my contribution made a difference to another person’s quality of life – and this knowledge outweighed the influence of chronic depression. The love I carried for my mother enabled me to rise above my own disabling depression and to do that which assisted her in living out her final days with as much peace as possible. As a believer in a power greater than myself, I gained strength to do what was necessary at the time – Having faith does not preclude experiencing depression – We are human beings and react to rapidly changing situations and traumatic events. All I know for sure is that my mother’s final days were richer for having me as her caregiver, and I will never regret what was required of me. This was my gift to her for giving me my own life. While depression may be my lifetime companion, it has not succeeded in overcoming the love I carry in my heart for my mother. Becoming a caregiver requires a commitment in your heart, to essentially ‘bear another’s burden’. I am grateful for every single day that I made the choice to do this. I know, without any doubt, that my life made a positive difference and this knowledge makes it all worthwhile.…..@ 2000 Dorothy Womack

Although my circumstance was connected to caregiving for my own mother, I address this to those caregivers today who are dealing with spousal responsibilites. Loneliness, I believe, is not a condition of the MIND, but of the SPIRIT - You miss what you shared with your loved one before the illness took over – You miss their touch, their companionship, their presence – You are not yet ready to adjust to the world of ‘widow/widower’ as your loved one is still living on the earth – You do not ‘fit’ because others have already moved beyond the physical loss of their mates, and you have not even arrived!! This presents an unbelievable hardship, in my eyes – to watch the person to whom you committed your entire life start to slowly disappear right before your very eyes. I would think it would bring a sadness much deeper than words could ever express and a loneliness which could not be dismissed without the Spirit’s consolation within your heart. Keep your eyes wide open, because surely there is another person out there who has a loved one in a similar condition also. Someone who would understand your loneliness and need for someone to relate your true feelings, not just make small talk. I know you feel no one has ever walked through this ordeal before, but I have learned myself that my experience was not an isolated one either - Yes, the situations are individual to us as human beings, but they are not beyond the realm of human experience!! What this means is that even though my situation seemed tailor made to ME, it has happened to others in different ways, but with the same solution - Turning to God for our help, our hope and our haven....... ©2000 Dorothy Womack

 FLASHBACKS:

Flashbacks occur when the brain is overloaded with information which is too traumatic for it to sort through – so it puts it aside and then BOOM!! Months, maybe years later, things start coming back to life, literally!! A flashback differs from a memory in that you usually are aware that you are remembering something which occurred in the PAST – You remain secured in TODAY and only rememeber YESTERDAY. However, a true FLASHBACK takes you back in time to the PAST, and you are stuck there just like it is really TODAY!! Usually they do not last very long, however, they can be very frightening and brutal if you are not aware that they will pass. If you have endured and witnessed a great deal of trauma in caring for your loved one, you will find you experience more of these flashbacks after they are gone from this world. THIS DOES NOT MEAN THAT YOU ARE LOSING YOUR MIND!! This is a pretty normal occurrence for those who deal with prolonged, traumatic stress situations – much as with the POAs in Vietnam – is also known as ‘post traumatic stress disorder’. Except we, as caregivers, receive no compensation or understanding for our plight!! But there is some value in knowing that what you are experiencing does not indicate a break from mental reality, nor that you are falling apart – Your mind is simply beginning to process all those experiences which it tucked away until you were more able to deal with and handle their realities. Some people have very few flashbacks, especially if they are more positive oriented, can be detached somewhat in their caregiving and lead an active life after the passing of their loved one. Those who are like me, however, find it very difficult to navigate through these flashbacks, as they occur without any warning and can happen weeks to months apart. This is the mind’s way of healing itself, and if you simply go with the flow, the flashback will end and the peace of God will replace it. I know this for a fact, having lived it now for almost four years since my own mother’s passing. My best advice to you is to realize this is a FLASHBACK, not a BREAKDOWN, that it will PASS and you will be OKAY…..©2000 Dorothy Womack

FORGIVENESS

Sometimes we face an impasse in our lives to where - without forgiveness - we will advance no further. Old wounds, careless words and deeds have left us bereft and void of positive energy towards those who may truly need us now. We may or may not be given an opening to forgive another – however, we always possess the opportunity to do so!! Forgiveness issues forth from WITHIN us, not from without…We choose whether to forgive those who fail us, hurt us, betray us, deny us – WE make that choice, out of our OWN hearts. People may indeed push us to our human limits, but it is STILL our choice as to how we react and whether we forgive or not. For me, forgiveness does not come easy – but the penalty exacted for my nurturing bad attitudes is that my body, emotions and spirit suffer as a result. First, there is the ORIGINAL injury – Then, as I replay it over and over again in my head, I simply prolong the injury and impede any inner healing which could occur. This is especially important when you become a primary caregiver – Because often there is seething resentment, unresolved conflicts of perhaps decades before – And until these issues are set aside by you personally, they will interfere in the quality of your caregiving. In my personal opinion, CAREGIVING is as much about FORGIVING as it is anything else – Each day, you are confronted with warring emotions, misunderstandings and differing opinions within your immediate family and also from the community at large around you – Each day you CHOOSE to forgive, or you eventually pay the consequences in losses to yourself, your family, and even your community…I also personally feel that forgiveness should not be a CHOICE when it comes to HOME caregiving, but a PREREQUISITE!! I say this because so much stress is sustained on a daily basis, and yes, most of it is aimed at the caregiver, whether deserved or not!! But, having lived both alternatives, my choice lies with forgiving wrongs done or perceived as done to me. In this way, I walk in a measure of peace that the world cannot give, nor can it ever take away …… © 2000 Dorothy Womack

MOUNTAINS

Caregiving responsibilities consist of numerous mountains that first appear as OBSTACLES. So much has to be done, learned and changed in rapid-fire fashion until you can easily become unnerved, bewildered, or overwhelmed by the tasks set before you. The trick is to break down these tasks into small, individual steps, where you can go at your own pace while still caring for your loved one’s needs. After you develop a routine of sorts, you begin to gain a measure of confidence in your ability to make and handle crucial decisions, to rely upon your own instincts rather than upon sources not involved with the caregiving situation itself. In other words, little by little, you learn how to cope! What you do not see during this process, and are usually quite oblivious to, is that each step you take is creating OPPORTUNITIES out of those obstacles! You are gaining something positive for every negative experience you face. Often, it is only in hindsight that we truly do realize this profound truth….Words which I penned over two decades ago, long before I ever had to actually LEARN it for a reality, much less LIVE it, were these: ‘Those things placed there upon my path were meant to stumble me – But these became the steppingstones to greater victories’…The ultimate result of your caregiving? Despite the ordeals, upheavals, trials, struggles and setbacks of the outside of you, the inside of you is becoming more resilient, sturdy, steadfast, immoveable, resourceful and self-assured. You have taken so many steps from where you once began that, much to your own amazement, you stand ATOP those mountains of obstacles! Your steps led you to opportunities for growth and now, you stand atop the mountain which once loomed so large and ominous in your eyes. You can see, from this vantage point, that you truly are an OVERCOMER!! You have weathered the storms of life on behalf of another living soul – and as a result, have found strength to override your human weakness, inward power to withstand the buffetting of manmade opinions, and grace to help in times of need…..Yes, you do start out at the bottom of the mountain in caregiving, where the obstacles reside. But each step you take brings opportunities for inner growth – and ultimately, you find that those things which you thought were for the WORST have turned out to be for the very BEST!! But it is only AFTER the caregiving is complete and you stand ATOP that mountain as an overcomer of all which has befallen and ensnared you, that you can truly grasp this for a reality and incorporate it into your concept of yourself. It does make me wonder sometimes – If we just reached up our hand through the clouds at that altitude – Could we somehow feel the touch of our loved one as they crossed over to that other side?…….© 2000 Dorothy Womack

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