DUH DUH DRIVER

Brenda and I went out for a drive, with ME driving. It was dusk, and suddenly Brenda hollers: 'Look out!! There are two LAWN CHAIRS right in the middle of this road!!'...I am thinking: 'Yeah, right - Why in the world would there be LAWN CHAIRS right in the middle of the street??' BOOM!!! There ARE ARE two LAWN CHAIRS right there and I nearly hit them both!! Then when it DID get dark, I told Brenda: 'OH, I cannot SEE in the dark!!' I almost ran over a horse years ago, and then suddenly there are two horses again in front of us!! So I swerve AGAIN!! It started raining, and I only had my parking lights on -I had not been driving my own vehicle for several years, and had completely forgotten simple things, like LIGHTS, HORN and WINDSHIELD WIPERS!! Scared Brenda pretty badly – This was her initiation into handling FEAR!!

©1999 Dorothy Womack

OK, here's BRENDA's view:

Tonight, Dorothy took me for my first ride, in her car, with HER driving!! It was my first trip with her behind the wheel-- I spotted two green plastic lawn chairs right in the middle of the road (guess Dorothy is not used to them being there at SUNSET!!) - She argued NO WAY, then SUDDENLY - AHA!!! OH OH - swerve quickly to avoid hitting them head on!! OH GOD!! She had no sooner told me that she once had almost hit the backside of a horse when what did appear!!The backsides of not one but TWO horses trotting down the road!! YIKES I pointed them out and she steered around them avoiding another close collision with a horses backside!! On the way back from the store, she told me she was blind and cannot see at all after dark! This is when I quietly pointed out that perhaps she could see better if she were to turn on the LIGHTS! SMOOCH HUGS

©1999 Brenda Race

SLIP SLIDIN' AWAY

Well the airport ride was one for the books!! We seemed to have less space GOING BACK than we did COMING DOWN!! So we tried to improvise and I wound up sitting on Brenda’s leg, then trying to get comfy by pushing back against her like she was a seat herself!! OH BOY!! Mashed her eyeballs out!! Then she tried to adjust herself and I slid onto the floorboard, where I sat for awhile. I was very very sad to see them leave – Feel leaden inside. Joy and love leaves when Brenda does – I do not seem to retain it!!

©1999 Dorothy Womack

OK, here's BRENDA's view:

The trip was a little squished since David and I are rather hefty - But Dorothy is such an itty bitty thing that we did manage to all squeeze in to the truck seat, all FOUR of us!!Funny but we didn’t seem to fit as well in the truck as on the way there! I suppose it was all of the great cooking and eating out that did it! In the blink of an eye the week was over and we were going back to NNY!We saw so much while we were there and did so many different things but the highlight of the trip… The main reason in being there …was to spend time with Dorothy. Had we never left the house I would have been just as happy!!

©1999 Brenda Race

FIREBUG

Brenda and I spent most nights talking over the Internet on some kind of 'phone' system. One night, she says politely: 'Could you hold on a minute? I need to check something..'. Then I hear running and her screaming 'DAVID!! DAVID!!' - I am wild by then, screaming into the computer for David to wake up!! It seems that Brenda had cooked something on the stove, turned it OFF, but the heat was still there and the contents caught FIRE!!! It actually DID burn down their entire kitchen in the process!! What was so weird about it all, was her eerie calmness and politeness - 'Could you hold on??'....hahahahhahahah.....OH DUH

©1999 Dorothy Womack

CLIMBING JACOB's LADDER

After Brenda and David relocated here to rural Tennessee, we began to start shopping for all those little knick-knacks which make up a home. Being built like a teenage boy, even at 47 years old, it was only natural for me to be helpful when something high up on a shelf was wanted!! I wouldn't even take time to ask a clerk for help - just either stand on the lower railings, climb into a buggy, or simply climb up the entire railings to the top to reach whatever it was she wanted!! Brenda was horrified, naturally - but I was clueless, of course. I pull 2 liters down off top shelves 15' high in the air, like they were sacks of potato chips!! However, when I pulled down a bunch of plastic clothing bins, I lost them all and Brenda was way down below, looking up at me!! I yelled 'LOOK OUT', just as she LOOKED UP!! OH BOY - She nearly fell out flat from being bombed by plastic containers!! Oh yeah, this usually does make a mess, but I am very good about cleaning up after myself - just not very patient at GETTING the goods down!!! hahahahahaha.....

© 2000 Dorothy Womack

GENDER BENDER

Brenda and I went to the Gaither Homecoming Convention in Gatlinburg. There was a very large crowd, with just a few bathroom facilities. I had just cut my hair very short, and my husband was giving me a hard time about 'looking like a boy'. So, since I get preoccupied so easily, I did not bother to LOOK at the SIGNS by the restroom wall! I simply went in, head down, went to the stall, did my business and then opened the stall. Well, my FIRST clue was that there was a MAN washing a LITTLE BOY's hands!! I thought, well, maybe he had to come to the WOMEN's room in order for the little boy to feel comfy. OH OH - The SECOND clue was when I walked towards the exit, just a few feet further out. I sensed a man was literally GLARING at me, so I turned to see why on earth he was doing that??? HE was in the WRONG ROOM, not ME!! OH OH - then it dawned on me that he was standing behind a URINAL!!! OH OH - RUN!! Good thing I had that boy haircut!! Instead of being embarrassed though, I got hysterically silly after escaping the men's room!!!

© 2000 Dorothy Womack

BEEZZY BEE

Brenda and I go everywhere together, usually in HER car, with HER driving (see above for the reason!!). She said she always kept her windows up, cuz BEES would fly in and sting her!! I thought 'Yeah, right - BEES fly right in that window while speeding through the air!! They stop off to sting you!!'...However, I kept my mouth shut and said 'Oh, I see'....You guessed it!! We were out and about on a beautiful day, and I had convinced her to roll down BOTH windows. No sooner did I say that, did a BEE FLY RIGHT IN and STING HER!! Brenda is ALLERGIC TO BEES!! So then WE flew to the pharmacist, where I hollered out, 'HELP HER!! HELP HELP HELP!!'. Good thing my pharmacist is used to ME and loves me, I would probably get arrested otherwise!! Brenda survived unscathed, but I learned not to doubt her so often - even if it may sound silly to me, she is telling the truth!!

© 2000 Dorothy Womack

BODY BOWLING

OK gang, here's your story for the week with BRENDA and ME.....Today, we went 35 miles to another town to Christmas shop. BRENDA had stayed up all night long, which she does sometimes and she looked very tired to me. She also kept telling me how cold she was, which is NOT like her at all- she is always HOT HOT HOT!! So I kept telling her, you need to rest, take a nap, eat, go back home, etc. She says NO NO NO....So we look through a store for about an hour. Then we decide just to put our stuff in the car and WALK to another store 3 doors down. Usually, our normal pattern is that I walk BESIDE her or BEHIND her, not in FRONT - cuz I am pretty deaf and cannot hear her or follow her if I am ahead!!! But NO, not today!! I am about an arm's length in front of her and suddenly I find myself on the concrete pavement underneath the bumper of a car!! Brenda apparently tripped over a broken speed bump and went flying through the air, and slammed into me on her way down - The reason I did not know this is cuz I AM DEAF!! And also cuz SHE NEVER MADE ANY NOISE AT ALL!! My immediate thought was OH NO - BRENDA IS LYING FACE DOWN ON THE GROUND!! NOW SEE, I TOLD HER THAT SHE DID NOT FEEL WELL, BUT SHE DID NOT LISTEN!! Second thought, OH GOD, SHE IS FACE DOWN - SHE's HAD A HEART ATTACK AND DIED!!! OH GOD, PLEASE DON't LET HER BE DEAD!! She is lying completely FLAT, like when the coyote falls off of the cliff after chasing the roadrunner??? Or those pics of crime scenes, where they draw your figure??? After caring for Mom all those years, witnessing numerous strokes, seizures and heart attacks, it was a normal leap for me to make - since she NEVER MADE A SOUND GOING DOWN!!! However, she did manage to graze my right arm, and then my right leg, consequently pulling me off my own feet!! So I hit the ground too, and then hit the car bumper in the parking lot....Both of us looked at each other and went OH GOD, ARE YOU ALRIGHT???? So I have now dubbed this a new sport called BODY BOWLING. To do it, all you need is to become the bowling ball, take a giant flying leap at anyone's legs - if you knock them over, then you have made a STRIKE - If you only make them wobble, then it is a SPARE. The one who knocks over the most people, or bowling pins, wins!! hahahahahahaha ------Well, needless to say, I went into SHOCK big time!! My next thought was OH OH WHAT IF SHE BROKE SOMETHING AND CANNOT MOVE!! I WILL DRAG HER UNDERNEATH THIS CAR WITH ME SO CARS DO NOT RUN OVER HER!! I DO NOT WANT HER TO BECOME AN ACTUAL TENNESSEE SPEED BUMP HERSELF!! So I start tugging on her clothes and she manages to get to her own feet, then helps ME get up!! A car drives up, asks us if we need help - Brenda says no, we're fine - I think: DUH, ARE WE RESTING??? hahahahahah - So after I see that YES SHE IS ALIVE and IS NOT INJURED!!! Then I go into actual hysterics - Now, in my lifetime, I have experienced CRYING JAGS, STARING FOR HOURS and also SCREAMING until shaken - But this time, I actually LAUGHED for about 1 1/2 hours straight!! I just could not stop and neither could Brenda!! I was so relieved that she was not injured, but she looked so peculiar lying flat on the pavement, face down....You just had to be there. She was laughing at the fact that I went over like a bowling pin too, but without injury!! We were both creeping around the rest of the day, but no serious injuries. However, I also got to experience hyperventilation, except it was in spurts over a few hours!! She kept asking me why I kept SIGHING so much, and I did not want to worry her by telling her I was having trouble breathing!! OH DUH - She used to be a nursey, you know!! So, all in all, it was a very strange day but another UNIQUE MEMORY for us to cherish!! Remember, gang - if you get really bored over the holidays, just introduce our new sport: BODY BOWLING!!! You be the BALL, and everyone else is the PINS!! Just roll up, fling yourself into the air and see how many ankles you can grab on the way down!! hahahhahahaha - No, I am really not crazy here, just very relieved that I DID NOT KILL MY SISTER!! Brenda also thought OH OH I HAVE KILLED MY SISTER!! See, we are so much alike and it is very very funny!!! People think we are just the two silliest, happiest buddies they have ever seen - Little do they know how LONG it took me to even laugh again, or how much sorrow Brenda has endured in caring for her mother as well!! So now BRENDA has achieved her goal - She has turned me into a GIGGLE BUNNY!! And I am very thankful that God spared her life last week in New York and also today lying on the pavement face down in the parking lot!!!

©2000 Dorothy Womack

OK, here's BRENDA's view:

OUCH awwwwww Yikes Hey does anyone have any BEN GAY??Now who would have ever thought that a little bowling would make anyone feel so sore the next day??? Ummmm wonder how Dorothy feels today! Hey sis do you hurt today??? Hey gang -how do you bowl and not end up limping the following day?? Maybe you use an ally and not the pavement!! Hahahahaha...actually I am okay....I thought we were playing dominoes and we all fell down... I am sure we entertained those who were watching. I tried to pretend we were just two speed bumps and blend into the pavement but NO NO NO someone had to spot us and ask if we were okay.....what did they think?? Two woman laying in a parking lot taking a nap?? I must tell you just how fast Dorothy is.... she panics very easy and thought that I had died before I hit the pavement....zippy quick, she had a chalk line drawn around me!! When she realized I was NOT DEAD, she was so relieved she tried to pick ME up!! She told me that some are given the strength to pick up a CAR when they are in the panic state, so she should manage just fine in helping ME!! DUH I guess that goes along with the statement she once made...."I never saw a moose til I met YOU!" Now I know that sounds bad but sometimes her thoughts are not completely finished by her actual words! That's why we are so close as I need to read her thoughts to complete her sentences! Actually, she really had NEVER seen a MOOSE, so I gave her pictures of them and lots of toy moose so she would always remember them!! In closing, I would advise if you are about to go down...Do not grab a twig to keep yourself in an upright position, as it will only go down with you!! I am thankful that some poor little old woman was not passing by as I was going for the fall... she would have woken up to Dorothy's chalk line too!OUCH gotta go soak in the tub now... I think maybe I will take the advice of a very good friend and give up bowling....going to collect dolls now instead! Should be safer!!!!!

©2000 Brenda Race

CAT TALES

Brenda and I have another tall tale for you guys!! First off, at my house, we have an abundance of CATS (about 20), along with my two very precious babies who live inside (and who weigh 21 lbs and 16 lbs respectively). Needless to say, we do not want all of these outside cats cuz it costs a great deal to feed them and they are very messy!! We have a cage to trap them, but they outsmart us all. We want to keep four outside cats and give the other ones away (we already have a home for them) - but we are getting desperate now!! So, here is mine and Brenda's final desperate solution.....We will have a CHRISTMAS CAT PATTY PARTY...hahahaha...After it is over, we will go outside and feed the cats milk and antifreeze. This will constitute CAT-ICIDE instead of GEN-OCIDE....If anyone asks what happened to all of them, we will tell them there was a HOLO-CATS (instead of a HOLOCAUST). Then, we will go directly to dinnertime. We will serve appetizers of FRIED CLAWS and CAT PATE' - then move along to the main course of CAT PATTIES served on top of a CATSEROLE DISH. We will serve KITTY FRIES and CAT QUICHE for those who prefer that.....Then, Brenda will take the CAT SKINS, FUR AND ALL, to decorate all of her new Santas for next year - She will copyright and patent the process, and call the new guys CHRISTMAS CLAWS (instead of CLAUS).....Now, if this story did not totally gross you out - At least I tried!! Brenda says I am beginning to write like DR. SEUSS!!! OH DUH.....We would not really do this, cuz I really love my two big waddling kitty babies who live with me, and I don't have the heart to hurt any living creature. We were just very bored today and decided to do a little desperate planning just in case!! Remember, we are sometimes very sad, or very silly, or even very twisted, depending on the day and our mood on that day!! hahahahha..... Here kitty, kitty, kitty..........

© 2000 Dorothy Womack

OK, here's BRENDA's view:

Mystery Solved: AHA I have finally fiqured it out! I KNOW why Dorothy has so many cats residing on her front porch. We have worked hard and long to get the numbers down and yet they seem to keep appearing! Everyday seems to bring them new ones who are quite content to sit and stare while waiting for food! I pondered as to why the cats seem to appear and have no notion of ever leaving this place of food and peace!Well today I finally saw the big picture! Dorothy and I went shopping -while we were in the grocery store we spotted some pretty tempting shrimp... so we bought some complete with sauce and all... yummy .... we shall eat them on the way home for lunch, thus leaving NO EVIDENCE that we had ever had them! Well if one is to get rid of all evidence, then everything must go.... and go it did! As we were coasting down the highway, I happened to notice Dorothy happily munching down the shrimp -when she got to the tail.... out the window she tossed it and at the same time uttered HERE KITTY KITTY! Well we had a trail of shrimp tails for a distance of about 8 miles... as we got to the house, she tossed the last one out along with the sauce container, I might add! Now as the story goes, there was a trail of cats following that car for 8 miles -the further we went, the more cats there were trailing along behind!!!! GOOD GRIEF.. as I went around the car to help her unload her groceries, I noticed something all over the side of the car...WOW I thought... that sure was a nasty bird!!! Nope - upon closer inspection, it seemed to be a streak of shrimp sauce! OH well - I guess the cats will clean it off as they pull into the driveway!

©2001 Brenda Race

MUSICAL CHAIRS

WE have a story!! Yesterday Brenda and I went to pick up our monthly pills at the pharmacy. We had been standing there for about TWO MINUTES when we hear THUMP, CRASH!! We turn around and this guy has a violent seizure, a heart attack and DIES!!Brenda is trying to take his pulse and I am just standing there staring!! Then we start arguing about whether he is really dead or not - She being a trained nurse says 'NO NO NO' - I say 'Brenda, I know what dead looks like!!' - So she asks me, 'Well, did you see his SPIRIT leave???'....OH DUH....Well my personality being as neurotic as it is, I did not react AT THE TIME....However, within 30 minutes, by the time we got to Big Lots, I heard another THUMP!! Someone dropped a BOX - I immediately was looking for a BODY!!! hahahahahahah-----Brenda was concerned that I would have nightmares (cuz that is so customary for ME!!) So she calls that night and While we are talking, she is going to tell another friend about it and I interject how she should say it: 'Well folks, we went to the drugstore and a man dropped dead in front of us - Now how do I know this???? Well it was THREE TWITCHES, TWO JERKS, TWO GASPS and a GURGLE!!!'...Brenda about busts laughing and I am going what? what? See I am quite simple minded sometimes.....I felt I was in the twilight zone when this happened. Everyone just acted like there was not a DEAD MAN LYING IN THE FLOOR!! Everyone, get in line - Your prescription is ready!! Next!! OH DUH.....I studied the scene and sat down in a chair. Oh, that's another part - The pharmacist bent down to give this guy CPR, and asked me to move the chairs. My mind, rapidly spiraling as it does when I am in shock, thinks OH NO - MUSICAL CHAIRS!! Everyone walk around and whoever misses the chair, fall down dead like the other guy!!! I think I must be DEMENTED myself...So while I sit there in that chair across the room waiting for Brenda to pay for her pills, I see her shaking her head and muttering!!! I think hmm that bill must be pretty high!! Then I think, hmmm I wonder if they need a CHALK LINE where that DEAD GUY was???? hahahahahahahahah - I am so bad!!! I really did care, but I go into shock and have STRANGE UNUSUAL WEIRDNESS take over me!! My rational side said NO NO don't give him CPR!! He will come back and live in hell until he dies again!! But my crazy side did all the other stuff I just recited....Poor Brenda, she is a NORMAL trained NURSEY - running around with a WHACKO. Also, she stumbled when we first went into the drugstore. Now after she fell, SPLAT, in the parking lot, teaching me to BODY BOWL, my instinct was to TACKLE HER and thereby she would fall on MY arms since she won't stick her OWN out to catch herself!! I am so glad I did not react to my instincts - Here we would have had her stumble, me tackle her in a full house, and then a man DROP DEAD two minutes later!! What a site!!!SIGH - That's it for now folks!!!

OK, here's BRENDA's view:

Dorothy is so funny... she remained very calm which I did not expect! When she gave me her analysis of the whole thing I about died! 3 twitches 2 jerks (that would be us) a gasp and a gurgle! Guess when I think about it that was about it! The lesson being ... geez it only takes a minute... now you see me now you don't! While I was trying to help the only way possible she was standing and doing an analysis! The musical chair thing sure would never have crossed my mind! OMG are we sick or what?

©2001 Brenda Race