~Everyone hears what you say. Friends listen to what you say. ~

~ Best friends listen to what you don't say. ~

 

           

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If you have any Canadian humor that you would like to see on this page,

just email me and we'll check it out.

This page is meant to take a fun/satirical look at life in Canada 
and is not meant to be taken seriously!
And if there is one trait that Canadians excel at, it's the ability to humor in everyday life!
    

                 You know you’re from Canada when:                                 

        1.                  You only know three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup. 

2.                  You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit. 

3.                  The mosquitoes have landing lights. 

4.                  You have more miles on your snow blower than your car. 

5.                  You have 10 favorite recipes for moose meat. 

6.                  Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas. 

7.                  You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground. 

8.                  You’ve taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard. 

9.                  Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow. 

10.              You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons. 

11.              You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car. 

12.              The local paper covers national and international headlines on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.

13.              At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant. 

14.              The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun. 

15.              Your snow blower gets stuck on the roof. 

16.              You think the start of deer season is a national holiday. 

17.              You head south to go to your cottage. 

18.              Your frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won’t prowl on your deck. 

19.              You know which leaves make good toilet paper. 

20.              The major parish fund-raiser isn’t bingo, it’s sausage making. 

21.              You find –40C a little chilly. 

22.              The trunk of your car doubles as a deep-freezer in winter. 

23.              You attend a formal event in your best clothes: your finest jewellery and your Sorels. 

24.              You can play road hockey on skates. 

25.              You know 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter and Construction. 

26.              The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus. 

27.              You understand the Labatt Blue commercials. 

28.              You perk up when you hear the theme from ‘Hockey Night in Canada’.    

29.              You actually get these jokes.

   

This here is an example of a sic(!) Canadian joke: (probably written by a ???)

Female hormones in beer?

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.

   

Accidents

The Canadian Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded

Only the province of Saskatchewan was different, where 89.3% of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this!"

[guess which province I live in!]

   

and Proud of it!

YOU'VE LIVED IN SASKATCHEWAN TOO LONG WHEN...

 
Your idea of a traffic jam is waiting to get onto Highway #2 at the Turbo station
 
"Vacation" means "back to school" shopping in Prince Albert and if you're lucky, Saskatoon
 
You've seen all the biggest bands ten years after they were popular, like Trooper!

You measure distance in hours, like 2.5 hours to P.A.
 
You've been to a Winter Festival, even when we didn't have them.

South to you means Saskatoon, not Florida.

Winnipeg is "back east".  B.C. is "the coast".
 
You know people who have hit deer, elk, moose or cattle.
 
Your school classes were cancelled because of cold, but only when it was -40 or colder and the school's boiler ran out of coal.
 
You've had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
 
You think ethanol makes your truck "run a lot better."
 
You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it, no matter what time of the year.

You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. Example:  "Where's my coat at?" or "If you go to the mall I wanna go with."
 
You often reply, "you bet!" or "hell yes!"
 
All the festivals across the province are named after fruits, vegetables, grain or testicles.

You've gotten a "To Go" drink from the local bar.

You've stopped by the local bar to cash a check.

You install security lights on your house and leave your doors unlocked

You carry jumper cables in your car.
 
You know what "Cow Tipping", "Garden Raiding" and "Snipe Hunting” are.

You only own 4 spices: salt, pepper, ketchup and Cheese Whiz.

You understand that it is simply not proper to put ketchup or steak sauce on a good steak.

You know someone who's lost their license due to an impaired charge and have seen their snowmobile parked at the local bar.

You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

You've gone to the grocery store on a snowmobile.

Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
 
Driving in the winter is often simply a matter of staying between the fence posts.

You think that washing your pickup is a waste of time and money.

You have never owned a vehicle that did not have cracks in the windshield.

You think everyone from a bigger city is stuck up.

You get a little claustrophobic when you're in a "big city" like Saskatoon and their traffic is "just awful, you wouldn't believe it".

You've attempted to set new land speed records on Sask's highways.

You think sexy winter lingerie is a flannel nightie and tube socks.

You know how many cords of wood it will take to get through the winter.

The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page but requires 6 pages for Ice Wolves Hockey.

You think that the opening of elk season should be a national holiday.

You carry a roll of toilet paper in the glove box in case you have to stop and go by the road.

Your radio antenna is an old clothes hanger or piece of baling wire.

You find -20 degrees "a little chilly".

You know all 4 seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter, and Construction.

You know what a Prairie Oyster is, and have a recipe for them.

You know someone who's shot themselves accidentally.

Driver's Education was a joke for you and all your classmates since you all had been driving since you were 10.

You actually understand these jokes and forward them to all your Saskatchewan friends.

   

Sad Joke!

One day in Chicago, two boys were playing basketball when a rabid pitbull came along and started attacking one of them. The other boy picked up a plank of wood and rushed to save his friend. He hit the dog on the head and it died instantly. 

A week later, a reporter came to interview the boy and said, "This should make a great headline!" So he wrote on his notepad, "CHICAGO BULLS FAN SAVES BOY FROM EVIL DOG."

The boy then said, "Why have you put that I'm a Bulls fan? I'm not even from around here!"

"So where do you come from?" asked the reporter.

"I'm from Toronto," the boy replied.

The reporter then amended his headline to read, "CANADIAN BASTARD KILLS FAMILY DOG."

   

BUB Interprets that FAMOUS Canadian phrase *EH*! 

   

An American, a Scotsman and a Canadian

An American, a Scotsman and a Canadian are driving in a car when they hit some black ice and have a terrible accident. All three are thrown out of the car and are killed instantly. 

The next thing they know they are standing outside the gates of Heaven. There is an enormous line-up of people waiting to go through the gates. It is pure chaos: there are dozens of angels trying to keep everyone in line and in order. 

One of the three asks an angel what's going on. The angel tells him that there was a huge flood, a gigantic earthquake, a hurricane, tornadoes, etc. and that now there is a backlog of souls to be processed. 

"Tell you what, though," says the harried angel. "We want to get rid of all this paperwork, so if you give me $500, I'll send you back to the real world right now." 

The American realizes this is a great deal. He whips out his wallet and pays the angel $500 on the spot. 

*POOF! * The American is back at the accident scene. He stands up and is perfectly healthy. The cops and paramedics are amazed at this miraculous recovery and ask him what happened. The American relates the story. 

 

One cop scoffs at him. "What about the other two guys?" he asks. "Why are they still dead?" 

The last I saw of them," the American says, "The Scotsman was trying to talk the price down and the Canadian was saying 'Shouldn't the government pay for this?'

   

Three Canadians and three Americans are traveling by train to a hockey game.  At the station, the three Americans each buy tickets and watch as the three Canadians buy only a single ticket. "How are the three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an American. "Watch and you'll see," answers a Canadian.

They all board the train.  The Americans take their respective seats but all three Canadians cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.  He knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Americans see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the game, they decide to copy the Canadians on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that).

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Canadians don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed American. "Watch and you'll see," answers a Canadian. When they board the train the three Americans cram into a bathroom and the three
Canadians cram into another bathroom nearby.  Once the train leaves the station, one of the Canadians leaves and walks over to the bathroom where the Americans are hiding, knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please.

   

Another Groaner! or two!

A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.
His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha' get the case of beer for?"
"I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob.
"Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."

* * * * * 

One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Molson Canadian. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverages, three flies landed in each of their pints.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing happened. The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"

Background courtesy of my grandson - Dustin!


An interesting satirical site.


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