A&J [Andrew and Jimmie, world renowned Wonderview football experts]: It's more than just a team; it's a symbol of Wonderview's tradition and great sense of humor. The team, if you will, is an "enigma" of greatness; it is a living metaphor for all the things that make America great. We put the laughter in manslaughter, and we certainly do it with style.
JB: Who is on the team?
A&J: Some of our key players are John "Lunchbox" Thomas at QB, Stoney "Orange" Peeler at Punter, Jesse "The Hitman" Burgener at Linebacker, and Ravin "Greased Lightning" Garlington at Running Back. These are players who embody the great qualities of Wonderview football: toughness, valor, uncommon athleticism, and nice hair.
JB: Who heads the team?
A&J: Our coaching staff is made up of the finest leaders: Head Coach Danny "The Bird" Heard, Offensive Coordinator "Teddy Bear" Beck, Defensive Coordinator Rick "The Brick" Holbrook, Special Teams Coach Patrick Blackstone, Team Chaplain Al Sharpton, Play-by-Play Announcer Farmer Fran, Aquatic Engineer (what some teams call a Waterboy) Bill Romanowski, and Color Commentator/Motivational Speaker Jordan Baker.
JB: When does Wonderview Football play again?
A&J: Anywhere there is a field and an opponent willing to sacrifice their bodies. Many of these Grid Iron Massacres (trademark of Wonderview football) take place on those special Friday nights in St. Mary's Stadium. Be sure to catch the team at next year's Super Bowl.
JB: How did the team come about?
A&J: Many, many, years ago, back in 1933, when Woodrow Hartman was Wonderview's Atheltic Director and Superintendent, he was looking for a sport to be the crown jewel of the schlarly mountain-top school. The ill-fated bobsled team only lasted a few weeks. The mountain-top location was great, but the lack of snow was a hindrance. One fateful day that summer, Notre Dame's football team got lost on its way to Louisiana (for a game against the LSU Tigers) and ended up at Wonderview. As payment for room and board, they taught the young mountain kids the game of football. Even 70 years after Notre Dame left, the Wonderview football legend lives on.
JB: Let's pause for a commercial break.
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This episode of The Best Mr. Danny's Sport Show Period is brought to you by Bob Burgener (and Sons) Construction. [jingle] Bob the Builder, can he build it? Yes he can!
JB: Aaaaaaaand we're back with Andrew and Jimmie, world-renowned experts on the topic at hand, Wonderview football. First question, is it carmel or caramel?
A&L: We believe the correct response to that inquiry is caramel.
JB: Okay, tough guys! Here's a toughie. You are electric.
A&J: Yes, we are, but that's not a question.
JB: Strong [expletive] counterpoint! Next question, what do you think of all the attention the team has been getting from both the media and students from other schools?
A&J: We think it's great that children have such great role models as us to look upon. We can only hope they follow our example, and the world will be a much better place to live.
JB: How did this website come about?
A&J: The website was an epiphany from two great guys of uncharacteristic intelligence and beauty. The greatness of Wonderview became spread through cyberspace! These great men, these tsunamis of intelligence, created the greatest website since Al Gore's invention of the Internet.
JB: Well that does it for another edition. If you'd like an autograph, signed doormats are available. Tea and crumpets before you go?
A: No thanks. Stay classy.
J: Thanks for stopping by.
A: But, mainly, stay classy.
J: Thanks for stopping by.