"You just inspire mean things to say."
"I'm like your muse!" --Matt and me--

"You know, you'd think you'd be the third wheel when it's me and my boyfriend." --Kim, to the muse--

"Hey, pull my noodle." --Kim--

"I'll just give the captain head and get on your plane." --Kim--

" Keep going until all the clothes are gone." --Me--

"Are you telling me he's a virgin? Oh, God. Leave him that way for awhile!"
"You say that like I'm some big uber slut! Nevermind, point taken." --Mom and me--

"It's a good thing I don't have more money, or I'd have all my dead animals tattooed on me." --Mom--

"What are you writing over there?"
"She's going to write to all the people whose gifts you mocked." --Bree and Jesse--

"Is that kiwi strawberry?"
"I see we have an expert in the house." --me and Jesse--

"You get a gold star to symbolize your achievement of surviving on your own outside of your home town." --Johnny C.--

"I know at U of M in the urinals, if you pee on [urinal cakes] they say 'Go Gophers.'" --Bree--

"Yeah, because I was just sitting around thinking how much better life would be without wooden utensils, cats and testicals." --Jesse--

"See, I told you to go with the Tigger pants." --Kim--

"Okay, enough with the naked lesbo talk." --Lisa--

"That's about one inch from losing my virginity!" --Kim, after being attacked by the foosball table--

"Does bacon look like a vegetable?" --Brittany--

"I'd be like, 'Dude, Kim felt me up for Cracker Jacks." --me, after being molested for Cracker Jacks--

"I could have very well married a snaggle-toothed woman." --Jared--

"Hi, we're Continental Not So Secret Service." --Ann--

"I'm wet and I need a friend." --Ann--

"This is my lady friend, Beth." --random hippy guy at the store--

"I'm hanging with my homie."
"Don't you mean 'hanging with your homo'?" --me and Brad--

"Hey, his name doesn't start with J, so maybe things will work out between you!" --Kim--

"I don't want your wrinkly weiner." --me, to Kim--

"He sounds like the bad kind of J." --Bree--

"I sat in the lotus position for 45 minutes to clear my chakras...Didn't work!" --Bob--

"I've been scared to be on at the same time as you cos I am afraid you'll yell at me." --Bree--

"Do you have a hole or a pole?" --Coco's favorite drag queen pick up line--

"Shortly after confession, I was back in sin again." --Bob--

"You can't drink in the family section, and I was like, 'Okay, better not get Kelly tickets there!'" --Kim--

"It's a fag sandwich!" --D.J.--

"Two minutes for holding the stick? If holding the stick was a penalty, I'd never leave the box!" --me--

"I swear, the poodle was this big!" --Amanda, making me choke on my cake--

"Australian woman!" --Mary Madden singing, upon hearing Nicole Kidman and Lenny Kravitz are a couple

"What's ravioli?" --Amanda--

"You make enough money. Hire a Merry Maid to come in once a week!" --Mom--

"I'm a crowd pleaser!" --Amanda--

"Okay, seventeen, greasy and ew!" --Bob--

"I have a Phd. in Wangology and wangphobia is obviously caused by a lack of wangtine in the blood." --Dr. Johnny C.--

"I'll kill the little fucker!" --Mom--

"Nobody ever says 'It's so sexy that you give me an ulcer.'" --Johnny C., about my causing high blood pressure and communism--

"Just you? Whatever. You're enough." --Johnny C., making me blush--

"I met a guy! He's really sweet and cute, and I'm not introducing him to you!" --Renee--

"I verbally spar with a butter knife." --Johnny C.--

"I wish beer grew on trees." --Tommy--

"But I won't stop until I reset the meaning of "Hot" in your brain." --Johnny C.--

"I wanted to touch it, but I was so squicked out." --Bree--

"I ran over a squirrel for you." --Bob--

"Oh good, I was hoping you'd get some birthday ass." --Bree--

"You've got a vocabulary that can make a guy feel stupid. It's good to see all those years in enriched English paid off." --Jared--

"Dude, why don't you just hit that shit?" --Bob, to a guy, about me--

"Who are you? Bob from the block?" --my response on hearing about Bob's above statement--

"Sacralicious!" --Johnny C., about the Ash Friday Fish Fry--

"Why is that lady dancing all up on my boyfriend?? She looks like a spider! I can't believe....Well, hello, Gorgeous! I'll be right back." --Our funny new gay boyfriend--

"Are you trying to turn me straight?" --DJ--

"Do I need to put up a billboard saying 'Bob goes down'?" --Bob--

"Stay out of trouble."
"Yeah right. You stay out of jail!" --Me and Jared--

"Why don't I just drink it straight from the cow? Suckle, suckle, suckle!" --Bob--

"Kelly says 'Get your shit in order cause I'm not circling around anymore!'" --Ann--

"I get Playboy now. I'm so cool." --Jared--

"It's called a Red-Headed Slut."
"They named a drink after me?!" --Jason and me--

"That shirt looks very becoming on you. But if I were on you, I'd be coming, too." --Ann--

"Um, thanks for your boob in my hand."
"If you're gonna swing both ways, you better get used to that!" --Me and Ann--

"Does the placement of the nuts really matter?" --Me--

"Can I lay my head on your male bosom?" --Megan to Bob--

"I like your anti-man toilet. The toilet seat doesn't stay up. You have to hold it up with one hand and aim with the other." --Jared--

"So I ask for like 7 gallons and give the guy my credit card. He gives me this look. Then he says, 'You're going to make me do the math? I pump gas.' At first I thought I'd made some kind of gas faux pas...but then I realized he was a dipshit." --Johnny C.--

"Oh, the cockroaches probably don't work on the weekends." --Jackie--

"With my luck if any male treated me as I deserved, Goddess that I am I would faint, hit my head and never open my eyes again." --Karleen--

"I need therapy...I'm having caloric therapy right now." --Bob--

"You mean we could've seen The Hot Chick instead of Maid in Manhattan???" --Mom--

"Now just get a cat named John and see if I read your journal anymore...This 'John' thing is a terrible habit you need to break. And not just to other 'J' names. You need to go to something like 'N' or 'P'." --Johnny C.--

"You have Ramen in your purse!" --Bob--

"What are you doing? Saying the Rosary?"
"No, I'm making Jesus dizzy." --Nana and me, as I twirled her roasry--

"Awww..You make baby jesus cry. Next time, try Baby Jesus brand pork loins!" --Johnny C.--

"The water boy is fired 'cuz I have a fucking floatie in my cup!" --D.J.--

"Can we get some water up here? Ma? Water?" --Kurt, during Tirade's set--

"Me and this guy were talking about my roommate, and then he says, 'Hey, can I give you a blowjob?' Talk about luck! I went and bought a lottery ticket!" --Uncle Merl--

"Here, let me prescribe some good sweet chiba for you." --Johnny C.--

"Rob, are you disappointed in the lack of girlies here? Because this is the age group you date, isn't it?" --Kelly, at Salma's graduation party

"(Gasps) The infamous Bob Evans?!" --Bob--

"Buddha." --Ann, rubbing Bob's belly--

"Yeah, well, at least you're supposed to have breasts." --Jared--

"And crack dealers two blocks over just had heart attcks." --Ann--

"You want a hot dog?" --Josh--

"We've got places to go, lampshades to see." --Ann, referring to my underwear--

"I weighed the ghetto watch. It weighs three pounds." --Bob--

"Dating...baby sitting...it's all the same anymore!" --a female customer at Frank's, whose boyfriend was begging her for a quarter for the gumball machine--

"She looks at me and goes, 'You dye your hair almost as much as that girl who used to work in the cafeteria!'" --Tammy--

"Come on in, the cheese is fine!" --Bob--

"My mom is visiting Aunt Tyrone." --Bob--

"So, for you guys are good for one, killing spiders, two using power tools, and three...?" "Taking out the trash." --Jonny C and Me--

"I'm good from the rear." --Bob--

"You don't go looking for boys like that. They find you." --Ann--

"My name? My name is Trent." --Bob--

"Josh says pigtails are just handlebars waiting to happen." --Ann, rather matter of factly--

"Not while I'm drinking Ramen juice!" --Bob--

"Bob, can you put my pants on?" --Ann--

"So my sister-in-law made cookies with milky way pieces in them. I went to eat one today and all I could think was, 'I am eating a chubby cookie!'" --Karleen--

"This CD is all sticky, quick see if you can get it off!" --Ma Deb--

"Look, I'm Pocahantas!" --Bob--

"Stop fingering my nun!" --Bobert--

"So is that bra from Victoria's Secrets?" --Randy--

"I was gonna say, if you said 'shrimptastic' I was getting out of the car and walking." --Ann--

"Heh.. well there you go.. woktastic." --Johnny C.--

"Puff, puff, give." --Ann--

"I'm only saving ten percent of a child." --Bobert--

"Well, if that's what you're looking for in a purse." --John--

"You have to do it in the dark with your eyes closed." --Bobert--

"If you're straight, you get dead." --Ann--

"If he had an accent, that'd be nice. But not an ebonics one, and not a Canadian." --Bree, on the man of her dreams--

"You know I'm gay, right?" --Uncle Merl--

"I'm not afraid of the pimp hand." --Salma--

"No, man, the guys with the horns always lose!" --the guy at Hot Topic--

"I'd like to just bite it off." --the guy at Allied, about Nate's nipples--

"I like to live on the edge." --Jared, about smoking cherry Swishers and driving a Kia--

"You don't know what it's like to be me. When you walk by a car you don't hear, 'click, click, click, click.'" --Richard--

"I never measure my monkey." --Bobert--

"Lesbians and football? Where do I sign up?" --Paul--

"I wasn't even thinking what you're thinking, little miss penis envy..." --John--

"There should be a fire code about that many mullets being in the same place." --Bobert--

"He just wants to play....and drink your blood." --John, about Ferris--

"You can't have a tiger because you aren't a babushka." --Mom, crushing my dreams--

"And if anyone has malaria you might as well kiss my ass goodbye." --Bobert, discussing the amount of students in an inadequately sized lecture hall--

"Kelly, he's watching Who's The Boss." --Bobert, fuming--

"The one guy I knew, he gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek, I think because he was drunk. I was like, "Okay, I'm staying away from Billy!" --Lisa--

"I don’t care about the male G-spot...Well, in a way I do." --Bobert, as he skimmed the index--

"This game sucks!" --Nana--

"It's always a bad sign when your underwear stop fitting." --Bobert--

"Did you just Ferris?" --Mom--

"Air raid!" --Megan--

"Is that your quarter, dawg?" --the guy in front of us to Bobert--

"Am I sitting on French fries?" --Megan, in the Tupperwaremoblie--

"He's your little love gorilla." --Bobert--

"I'm so tired I can only open one eye. The other one's like, 'Fuck you.'" --Adam--

"Fish don't fry in the chicken." --Bobert--

"Ha ha. That sounds like the plot to a movie...like Mallrats or something." --John's response to my devious plans--

"But ya never slept with anybody from the band...how boring." --Paul--

"Love just makes you nuts and obsessed....and that's no way to live these days." --John--

"Are you stoned?" --Paul, after I said I wanted Taco Bell--

"Have you ever listened to anything by the Flaming Lips? I never listened to them in the mid 90s when they were hot. Now I love them...figures." --John, though I don't recall the Flaming Lips ever being hot--

"I turn on Skinimax and there are lesbians going at it like hotcakes!" --Bobert--

"Sluts of a feather flock together." --Adam--

"Everytime I do it, I gag." --everyone said I said this, but I'm sure it was taken out of context--

"I forgot to swallow first." --Bobert--

"My ass is getting numb." --Jeremy--

"What drawer do you keep it in?"
"Either the second or third. Whichever one it's in." --Jared and me--

"I don't have my wallet. What can we do?"
"Well, you can leave your license here while you go get it."
"Ok....Let me say this again...I don't have my wallet. What can we do?" --Jared, talking to the dimwit at the gas station--

"Peanuts! Popcorn! Hot sex!" --Bobert--

"Ahhhhhhhh! Why'd you do that? Why wreck a potato like that? They are to be mashed, boiled, or baked! Salt only on top! That is all!" --Bree--

"I swear to God! I think it was on the noon o'clock news..." --Jared--

"I really hate to use the word, but she's a whore!" --Bree--

"And he was like, 'Honey, don't use your teeth!'" --Bobert, about Papa Joe--

"Dude, is my being a sex slave worth being my servant for the next half hour?" --Ashley, trying to convince John to make her a sandwich--

"And my cheese! I have cheese!" --Bobert--

"It's out, pull on your end!" --Dez, to John. 'Nuff said.--

"The duck is sour!" --Najima--

"I do believe it was you who yoinked my pudding!" --Bobert--

"We could take his ass down faster then he can say Puma!" --Bobert--

"Are you guys gonna get gas tonight?" --the dude at Meijer--

"You'll never believe what I did after I cut your pie."
"Wow...that's something you never want to hear your waitress say." --me and the waitress at Mel Berman's

"Gypsies, nuns and thieves." --Bobert--

"Why is she poking your pie?" --Mom--

"I'm like Mr. Magoo. I don't give a fuck." --Jared--

"That, or it's a giant floating cum bubble." --Ann--

"How do you like your toast?" --Bobert

"Every stain has a story." --Kelly--

"Mmm.. crisp and fresh as a daisy..." --Johnny C.--

"I advocate monkeybread! I'm a monkeybread activist!" --Bree--

"So your plan is to kill your co workers with endorphine overdoses, then take over the company?" --Jonny C.--

"Where can I find a job making ten dollars an hour that doesn't make me want to set people on fire?" --Kelly--

"He might think I'm weird!"
"You have foil in your hair!" --Bobert--

"The drapes don't match the rug." --Paul--

"Man! A Van Halen song I like!"
"It's Def Leppard."
"DAMN! Now I'm back to hating every Van Halen song!" --Mike--

"A lost invisible jet is the least of my concerns." --Kevin--

"Just plug your nose and drink it down, like a good girl." --some freaky old lady--

"We'll be right back..we're going for some foodage." --Brad Z.--

"Although the principles of Kwanzaa are good too, I saw them before... sometimes they make more sense than all that Christmas crap. Santa? Reindeer? Virgin births? Come on!" --Lisa L.

"Not that I'm bitter." --Kelly--

"You know, there's more to a relationship than just sex." --Brad--

"I spent $160 on an outfit I wore one night. I'm such a woman!" --Greg--

"It's always something...always something to try to get me to read!" --Jared--

"Welcome to Dirty World." --Dax--

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me." --Bobert--

"We had to wait for his butt to vibrate." --Mom--

"When you get decent, could you please step to the back of the car?" --Oregon Police Officer--

"I want to be male so I can say stupid things and get away with it." --Kristi--

"I heard it was BYOB, so I hope I know someone." --Jory--

"He tans like it's his job!" --Amanda--

"I have forty ways to make you call me 'big Poppa.'" --Paul--

"...and one fish sandwich." --the drive-thru guy at Burger King--

"Drive safely." --Brad Z.--

"No, I don't, but I think they have some napkins up at the bar."(In response to the question "got any papers?") --Caroline--

"You like bass, she likes bass, you two should like bass together." --John--