CAST
HOBO: Sort of the Hero or Protagonist. Not very bright or attentiveACT 1, SCENE 1
[We open in an abandoned alley in the city. It is dirty and skuzzy looking. A dirty HOBO is laying in a corner.]HOBO: Woe is me. I have no money. And I smell awful funny.
[A bright light appears in the sky and lowers to the ground in front of the HOBO.]HOBO: What is this thing that is happening?
[The light dissolves and a tall, blue fairy appears. She...wait, HE, is wearing a bright turquoise tutu with wings of the same hue. HIS wand has a gold star on the end. HE does a pirouette in the air.]HE FAIRY: Greetings, dirty hobo! I’m a fairy and I’m here to tell you all about your like, fabulous fortune! Yay!
[HE FAIRY twirls about in the air some more and floats, grinning, in the air, waiting for the HOBO’s response.]HOBO: F...or...tun...e?
HE FAIRY: Golly gosh you betcha!HOBO: And you’re a fella dressed like a fairy. And you’re hairy.
[The HOBO nods and hmms incoherently. HE FAIRY waits it out, keeping an obviously fake smile on to hide his annoyance.]HE FAIRY: Alas! I am to take you out of this filthy pit of despair and filthiness–
HOBO: –well I took a shower at the ‘Y’ and I think it’s kinda homey so–HE FAIRY: –and into your new, improved, shiny life of wealth of good hygiene! BEOSOGRATEFUL!
[The HOBO scratches himself. HE FAIRY signs and lifts his wand.]HE FAIRY: Okay we’re going now!”
HOBO: Uhh...you got any of them cheese crackers?HE FAIRY: There are myriads of crackers of every flavor, texture and denominations where you will be going. So...WE GO!
HOBO: ...maybe I’ll get some with the peanut butter in the middles.HE FAIRY: Magical Masculine Maze to Monetary Muchness, open!
HOBO: He says stuff...uhhh...[Another bright light appears. A rip in the sky opens up. PINK hedges of a huge garden maze are just inside. HE FAIRY stands in front of the entrance.]
HE FAIRY: Come, now! It is time to travel through the Magical Masculine Maze to Monetary Muchness to your new, better-smelling life!HOBO: That was a think that just happened there, it was. Mmmhmm.
[HE FAIRY bites his fist and squeezes his other fist behind his back, repressing his anger.]HE FAIRY: Indeed it was, O unwashed one! Now let us depart.
HOBO: ‘kay.[HE FAIRY and the HOBO begin their journey through the maze. Their voices can be heard distantly as the scene comes to an end.]
HOBO: Them hedges is pink?HE FAIRY: Pink is the new green!
HOBO: ...is female the new male?[END SCENE.]
ACT 1, SCENE 2
[Open in a huge mansion. There are very disgruntled-looking servants sitting on the huge spiral staircase that leads down into the huge, magnificent marble entrance of the mansion.]SERVANT ONE: This is so repressive, ya’ll.
SERVANT TWO: We have to like, work and all that.SERVANT THREE: My hose are chafing.
SERVANT TWO: Don’t even talk to me about chafing. I got this powder, but it doesn’t work too well...it’s all red still...er...wanna see?SERVANT ONE: No time, brother! MISTRESS comes forth!
[An old woman wearing a kitten sweater and orthopedic shoes approaches. She’s very small and plump and looks like a very stereotypical milk-and-cookies granny. She slowly makes her way to the staircase. The SERVANTS stand, slowly and sullenly.]MISTRESS GRANNY: Ello! My, don’t you all look well today! Fancy some tea and crumpets? I’ve been baking all morning! My long-lost nephew should be arriving soon, and I think we all should have a nice tea time together.
SERVANT ONE: Listen to this oppressive repression!SERVANT TWO: She condescends us so!
SERVANT THREE: Well, I think she was just offering us some tea and–MISTRESS GRANNY: Sorry, dears? Oh, my hearing just isn’t what it used to be. I remember the good old days when I used to be able to hear a hawk hear a mouse ten miles away underground with a pillow over my head. No one ever believed me, but I would just tell them–
SERVANT TWO: Now she’s trying to weaken our mental state with these horrific stories of hers! Bloody horror, this woman!SERVANT ONE: Thus verily, my comrade!
SERVANT TWO: And verily thus!SERVANT THREE: Hey, this is a good story you’re missing.
MISTRESS GRANNY: ...and I was listening so closely to the farmers’ conversation that I didn’t even notice the horse about to kick me in the head. Ah, yes, good times.[A deafening bang resounds through the house. The SERVANTS fall over with their ears covered.]
MISTRESS GRANNY: I do believe that’s my nephew! Oh, good, he’s arrived! I really must get that disgracefully soft doorbell fixed. Come, dears! To the kitchen for tasty treats and foot massages![MISTRESS GRANNY hobbles quickly to the enormous door.]
SERVANT ONE: ...we have so got to mutiny.SERVANT TWO: Indeed.
[The SERVANTS trudge to the kitchen for their delicious snacks. SERVANT THREE can barely be heard as the scene ends.]SERVANT THREE: ...could we maybe put off the mutiny until after the foot massages?
[END SCENE.]ACT 1, SCENE 3
[Two flying HAMSTERS frolic in a colorful garden. One is spotted black and white and the other is light brown. Their wings are feathery.]SPOTTED HAMSTER: Having wings is neat!
BROWN HAMSTER: I don’t even mind being a freak of nature!SPOTTED HAMSTER: Neither do I!
BROWN HAMSTER: All this frolicking and being merry is making me hungry.SPOTTED HAMSTER: To the pellet garden!
[The HAMSTERS fly to the ground and land on an empty patch. They stare at it, then each other, confused.]BROWN HAMSTER: Whatssit?
SPOTTED HAMSTER: OH NOES[The SPOTTED HAMSTER points behind him, shuddering. The BROWN HAMSTER turns around to see, then screams. They both fly away.]
HAMSTERS: The GIGGLIES are coming OMGWTF let us fly for our rodenty lives!!!!!!111[The HAMSTERS leave. Shortly after, incredibly adorable, multi-colored chubby fairy people waddle on stage. They are like, so squeezable and all. They clamor calmly and sweetly into the garden and begin munching on various flowers and leaves. After a while the HAMSTERS can be heard whispering from their hiding place.]
SPOTTED HAMSTER: ...maybe they’re not going to eat us.BROWN HAMSTER: That’d be pretty sweet.
[Suddenly all of the GIGGLIES begin to growl and they look in the direction that the HAMSTERS’ whispers are coming from. The GIGGLIES bare their unusually large, pointy teeth that up until now had been hidden.]HAMSTERS: AAAAHHH!
[The curtain closes and it is implied that the HAMSTERS are being terrorized, chased and probably masticated.]AUDIENCE: What the hail?
[END SCENE.]ACT 1, SCENE 4
[Open in the MANSION. The HOBO, HE FAIRY, MISTRESS GRANNY and the SERVANTS are sitting in the kitchen, which is huge and luxurious, of course. A chandelier hangs from the ceiling above a huge shiny oak dining table. They are in the middle of a conversation.]HE FAIRY: ...and after sneaking past the GIGGLIES, who were busy eating something, it was only twelve more miles, a few climbs over dead-end hedges, a rowboat over the Atlantic and an unpleasant but brief visit with men who wore rubber gloves, and we were here!
[HE FAIRY is covered in bandages. His left eye twitches and his chest hair is singed. The HOBO looks exactly the same. Crappy, but no apparently no more damage than he started with.]HOBO: I saw a dentist getting into his car. Then he drove away. It was a nice car.
[The SERVANTS stare blankly. MISTRESS GRANNY claps her hands together merrily.]MISTRESS GRANNY: Sounds like you had a simply marvelous trip!
[SERVANT ONE grumbles as SERVANT TWO attempts to grumble with pastry in his mouth. SERVANT THREE sips her tea politely, but keeps darting her eyes back and forth to the other SERVANTS.]MISTRESS GRANNY: Right, then! That was a nice tea time. Now to tell my long-lost nephew of his fabulous fortune! This mansion will be yours, along with twelve cars, eleven horses, ten endangered tropical birds, 9 lawyers, 8 accountants, 7 priceless diamonds, 6 pols, 5 small countries, 4 weenie factories, 3 personal servants you see here, 2 night clubs and one GIGANTIC cheese cracker warehouse!
HOBO: I like them cheese crackers, yeah...MISTRESS GRANNY: Don’t we all? Yes, all those cheese crackers will be yours, but FIRST...first you must perform a daunting task that all others before you have died in the face of!
[HE FAIRY gasps.]HE FAIRY: That’s really daunting!
[The SERVANTS mutter amongst themselves.]HOBO: What she say...?
MISTRESS GRANNY: I said, my dear boy, that you must prove yourself before getting the fabulous fortune by....Destroying the GIGGLIES!!![HE FAIRY faints but remains floating in the air. MISTRESS GRANNY pushes him aside as she walks over to the HOBO.]
MISTRESS GRANNY: You can do this, dear! I believe in you! Plus I’m not willing to pay an exterminator for something I can get a family member to do for free. Now Godspeed![MISTRESS GRANNY politely begins to push the HOBO towards the door.]
HOBO: Uh...can I pee first?MISTRESS GRANNY: Oh, there are plenty of bushes and trees to go behind out there. Go on, now, destiny waits for no one!
[MISTRESS GRANNY shoos the HOBO out the door, along with an unconscious floating HE FAIRY. The SERVANTS stand, watching.]SERVANT ONE: Told you she was a witch with a b.
SERVANT THREE: She’s not making us go with him and we’re supposed to be his personal assistants. I guess we have a free day.SERVANT ONE: That’s cool, I guess. We still gotta mutiny, though.
SERVANT TWO: Let’s go plan that.SERVANT THREE: Ya’ll really need a hobby or something.
[END SCENE.]ACT 1, SCENE 5
[Open in a dark, creepy forest. HE FAIRY is accompanying the HOBO on his journey, and is still injured but remains overly cheerful.]HE FAIRY: Isn’t it just, like, completely fantastic that we’re out in this forest that’s black as midnight even though it’s about two in the afternoon?
HOBO: Stuff is moving all around. Like bubbling oatmeal, it is.HE FAIRY: It is indeed! Oh my goshness, what is THAT?!
[HE FAIRY points to a gigantic yellow three-eared bear that has just appeared from behind the trees.]YELLOW BEAR: Oh, look! It’s a HOBO and a very hairy male fairy! Honey, kids, come out and take a look!
[Three other bears, varying in size but also three-eared and yellow, come out of the woodwork. They are as adorable as can be.]YELLOW BEAR: Aren’t they just as adorable as can be, my family?
KID BEAR: They sure are!YELLOW BEAR: What a sight...okay, now let’s devour them!
[HE FAIRY faints again and the HOBO scratches himself, staring off at another part of the forest, drooling. A millisecond before the now vicious bears reach them and start ripping apart their flesh, a big silver figure zooms in, rescues the HOBO and HE FAIRY and flies away.][END SCENE.]
ACT 2, SCENE 1
[Open in a small, dirty broom closet at the MANSION. The SERVANTS are sitting there, discussing their mutiny plan.]SERVANT THREE: ...so then we jump up from behind the couch and yell ‘suprise!’ It’ll be so much fun, we can wear party hats and blow those little blowy things that make noise!
SERVANT ONE: Okay...that’s a good plan...I guess. We’ll call that Plan B.[MISTRESS GRANNY knocks on the door then enters.]
MISTRESS GRANNY: Well, why ever are you sitting in this small, dirty broom closet? It’s so dirty...and small! Don’t you like the lovely penthouse with the pool that sparkles like diamonds that you live in?[The SERVANTS blink.]
MISTRESS GRANNY: All right, then. Whatever fancies your pansy.[Exit MISTRESS GRANNY.]
SERVANT ONE: Right...so on with the planning.SERVANT TWO: Oooh, I’ve got it! Pick me, pick me!
[SERVANT TWO jumps up and down with hand raised.]SERVANT THREE: Oh, I think he’s got an idea!
SERVANT ONE: Yes, yes, out with it, man![SERVANT TWO composes himself and takes a deep breath.]
SERVANT TWO: Okay, okay, you’re going to love this. Here goes: Let’s lock her in the freezer!][SERVANT ON E and SERVANT THREE stare.]
SERVANT THREE: ...will she fit in the freezer? I mean, she’s really small, but it’s really not that big–SERVANT ONE: It’s BRILLIANT! We chop her up into little pieces, put her in the fridge, then dump the fridge in the junkyard!
SERVANT THREE: This is totally violent and stuff.SERVANT TWO: I’ll sharpen the knives!
SERVANT ONE: I’ll burn off our fingerprints!SERVANT THREE: I think I’m going to take a bubble bath in our luxury giant fancy marble bathroom in the penthouse. Have fun planning the cut-uppery of a defenseless old lady.
[Exit SERVANT THREE.]SERVANT TWO: Must be that time of the month.
SERVANT ONE: AAAHHH! It hurts! The pain is unbearable! But it’s–AAAHHH!!!–for the good–AAAHHH!!!–of the–AAAHHH!!! mission![SERVANT ONE continues burning his fingerprints off while SERVANT TWO sharpens a butter knife with a spoon.]
SERVANT TWO: We rock at mutiny, dude.[SERVANT ONE screams again, then nods in agreement.]
[END SCENE.]ACT TWO, SCENE 2
[Open on the edge of the dark creepy forest. It is just outside of the mansion. The HOBO and HE FAIRY are set down on the grass. We see that a rather large shiny silver cyborg-type creature is their rescuer.]SUPERULTRASHINYTRON2000: Greetings, inferior-but-still-worthy-of-life beings. I am SUPERULTRASHINYTRON2000. You may shorten my name to SUSY.
HE FAIRY: Susy?SUSY: SUSY, that is correct.
HOBO: That’s something.HE FAIRY: That...doesn’t make sense...shouldn’t it be SUST?
SUSY: You will comply.HE FAIRY: Sorry.
[SUSY beeps and whirs as it looks down at the HOBO.]SUSY: Processing...PROCESSING! Homeless, unwashed humanoid! You must save your planet from the great evil.
HOBO: Er...GIGGLIES?SUSY: No. GIGGLIES are simply minions of the great evil. The one who sent you into the forest of deep depressing danger is the great evil. An evil to rival all evils. Yes, even the dreaded...Darth Vader!
HE FAIRY: Gasp and gosh, that is some kind of evil badness!HOBO: He was an egghead.
SUSY: Yes, the creature posing as an aged humanoid female wearing a sweater with a depiction of a feline is a being of pure evil, malice and sour milk.HE FAIRY: Sour milk?
SUSY: To accompany the food substance humanoids call ‘cookies.’HOBO: I like them peanut butter cookies...
SUSY: Yes...so, humanoid. Are you prepared to destroy the hideous creature threatening the entire planet?HOBO: Uh...hold on.
[The HOBO goes behind some bushes. Some grunting is heard, then some leaves crumpling, then more grunting. SUSY and HE FAIRY stare around uncomfortably. The HOBO comes back out.]HOBO: Phew, what a relief.
SUSY: Now are you prepared to destroy the hideous creature threatening the entire planet?HOBO: ‘kay.
SUSY: Good. Go do that.HOBO: What do I do?
SUSY: Use the force....fulness of your character to overthrow this anathema being of evil badness.HE FAIRY: Oh, how EXCITING!
[The HOBO grunts and wipes his nose on his pants. Yes, it takes an unusual amount of contortion than expected from a hobo for him to do that.]HE FAIRY: ...however shall our hero achieve this important task, O great unfeeling metal one, huh?
SUSY: It will come to him...we have bestowed a gift upon the unhygienic human that will aid him in overthrowing the pure evil beat of pure nasty evilness.HOBO: That sounds neat.
[HOBO shrugs.]SUSY: Yes, it is. Now go, your planet is counting on you.
[The HOBO wipes his nose again, belches, farts, scratches all the places inappropriate to scratch in public, then gets up and slowly starts walking to the mansion.]HE FAIRY: There goes the savior of earth!
SUSY: You go now, too. I tire of your physical presence[END SCENE.]
ACT 2, SCENE 3
[Open in the SERVANTS’ broom closet. It looks as if something just exploded. SERVANT ONE and SERVANT TWO are singed and blackened.]SERVANT ONE: ...so...that plan...was a bust.
SERVANT TWO: Who would have thought that sharpening a butter knife with a spoon would cause such an explosion?SERVANT ONE: Not me. Although it could have also been caused when I dropped that match in acetone...
SERVANT TWO: Either way. Back to the drawing board.[Suddenly the door busts open. SERVANT THREE comes in, followed by MISTRESS GRANNY. She is no longer wearing the uniform; instead, she has on some sort of spandex outfit that is glaringly PURPLE. She stands there, looking triumphant and her eyes dart about in a suspiciously evil manner. The other SERVANTS stare and blink for several, several seconds, giving the impression that the actors have simply forgotten their lines. Finally, SERVANT ONE speaks.]
SERVANT ONE: So...how’s...it going? SERVANT THREE: Ah-hahahahahah! I fooled you all–SERVANT TWO: Actually, there’s just the two of us so it’s ‘I fooled you both.’
SERVANT THREE: I fooled you both! You thought I was just like you–a repressed servant! But I’m not![SERVANT ONE and SERVANT TWO gasp.]
SERVANT TWO: Are you and X-Man?SERVANT THREE: No, no I’m not.
SERVANT TWO: Aw.SERVANT THREE: I...am a spy for the MISTRESS! All of your murmurings of rebellion have been told to her...by me! And now that she knows all about it, she will destroy you and then...the UNIVERSE!
MISTRESS GRANNY: Actually, just the world, dear.SERVANT THREE: She will destroy you and then then...the WORLD!
MISTRESS GRANNY: Except for Italy. It’s lovely in the fall.[SERVANT THREE and MISTRESS GRANNY whisper quickly, conferring about the plan.]
SERVANT THREE: Okay, so she will destroy you and then the world except for Italy and all the Chuck E. Cheeses, got it?SERVANT ONE: How COULD you, after all we’ve been through?!
SERVANT THREE: ...this was a two-week temp job...SERVANT: I was in LOVE with you!
[SERVANT THREE blinks.]SERVANT THREE: No, you weren’t.
SERVANT: Well, okay, maybe not. But we were close!SERVANT THREE: Yes, yes, but it was all a lie! I’m here to tell you about your doom, and...well, I guess I’ve done that already, so I’m going to hand it over to the MISTRESS.
MISTRESS GRANNY: Oh, goody. I just love a good annihilation. Just let me find those explosives and we’ll get this all on the road.[MISTRESS GRANNY pulls out a huge purse and starts digging through it. She pulls out a wallet, a hairbrush, some corn pads, denture cream, a purple wig, a jar of grape jelly, and so on. The SERVANTS exchanged confused looks. After about another minute, MISTRESS GRANNY finds the explosives. Little blocks labeled ‘TNT.’]
MISTRESS GRANNY: Aren’t they pretty: Yes, I thought so when I bought them on vacation in Italy. One of the reasons I’m not destroying it. All right, now I’m going to detonate them and leave you to your ruin, ta![Just then, the HOBO and HE FAIRY come in.]
HOBO: Is this the bathroom?SERVANT THREE: No.
HOBO: Oh, okay. Wait...oh, I’m supposed to er...[The HOBO scratches his head, then remembers. He points to MISTRESS GRANNY.]
HOBO: Tell you to not do stuff. So...stop and no more evil, yeah?MISTRESS GRANNY: No, dear, I’m sorry. You can’t ask me to abandon my evil plan. You don’t want to disappoint your auntie, do you? I should have known you’d come back, anyway, I sent you after the adorable carnivorous creatures hoping they’d eat you up and the only weapon against me, you, would be gone. Oh, poppycock. Well, I’m not going to let you stop me, so if you’ll just go about with your reindeer games and Box Specials and whatnot, things will work out just fine.
HOBO: Eh.HE FAIRY: She’s trying to destroy the earth, won’t you save us, our hero?
[The HOBO shrugs and scratches himself...even more.]HOBO: Eh.
HE FAIRY: She’s trying to destroy the earth...that’s where all the cheese crackers are!HOBO: Oh no!
[The HOBO’s hate suddenly rockets off his head and knocks MISTRESS GRANNY and SERVANT THREE over. The force...fulness of the HOBO’s character had really come out. The world was saved from the evil MISTRESS GRANNY. The hat rocketed through the ceiling and into the sky.]HOBO: My head’s cold.
[SERVANT ONE, SERVANT TWO, and HE FAIRY cheer.]HE FAIRY: Hurrah and Yippee!
SERVANT ONE: Best mutiny ever!SERVANT TWO: Whoo!
NARRATOR: ...and they all lived happily ever after...I guess. Why am I even here? This is my only line. What did happen to the HOBO? Did he inherit the mansion and the cheese crackers? Did HE FAIRY ever get chest waxed like he so badly needed? What about the SERVANTS, did they get new jobs?PLAYWRIGHT: Yeah sure whatever.
NARRATOR: Cool. Let’s go watch The Wheel.PLAYWRIGHT: Totally.
[The HOBO’s hat has landed in the grass somewhere. PAUL BANKS walks by and notices.]
PAUL BANKS: What a great hat! I’m going to take it. Now I’ll go and marry a lovely girl named Amber and have her babies.OLD INSIDE JOKES THAT WEREN’T EVEN APPRECIATED: [suck as the ending of this play, but hey, you read the whole dang thing.]
THE HTML CODING FOR ALL THIS TEXT: [was excruciating]