QUEEN MOTHER: The Queen of the Kingdom who decides to banish all ugly people
PAIGES: Her loyal servantsEL GIGANTE ABRIGO: A former paige of the Queen Mother who decides to get his vengeance when she banishes him
OLD PIMPLY WORKER: Middle-aged employee at food court who gets fired for being unattractivePRINCESS:The Princess of the Kingdom who thinks the Queen Mother is being unfair
LADY-IN-WAITING GLORIA: The Princess’ middle-aged Lady-In-WaitingLADY-IN-WAITING SOPHIE: The Princess’ young Lady-In-Waiting
FABULOUS FAIRY: The fabulous fairy who uses her magic to bestow a “beautiful” gift upon the unattractive protagonistsACT I, SCENE I
[Open in a huge field of flowers. Poppies! A really fat kid and a really skinny twitchy kid are sitting in the middle of the field.]FATSO: This is so not good for my allergies, man. [sneezes]
TWITCH: Or my opium addiction.FATSO: You don’t have an opium addiction.
TWITCH: I know. I just wanted to have a problem, too.FATSO: Well, I’m tired of being in this giant [sneezes] field of flowers. Let’s go home.
TWITCH: We can’t. We were banished, remember?FATSO: Oh yeah...because you insulted the Queen Mother and I’m simply unattractive.
TWITCH: Yeah, well. I’m not much to look at, either.FATSO: That’s true.
TWITCH: You don’t have to agree so enthusiastically!FATSO: Look, we have bigger problems than your ugliness. We’ve been banished here for twenty minutes now, and there’s no source of food, shelter, or hygienic facilities within my immediate 100 foot field of vision!
TWITCH: You, my morbidly obese friend, are an idiot. There’s a McDonalds and a YMCA behind you.FATSO: So I’d have to turn my head to see it?
TWITCH: I’d say about 45 degrees, yes.FATSO: ALL IS LOOOOOOOST!!!!!!!
TWITCH: I need a hot shower. [EXIT]FATSO: NOOOOO!!! DON’T LEAVE ME HERE TO DIIEEEEEE!!!!! [echoes] Wait...how is there an echo in a giant field?
[END SCENE}ACT I, SCENE II
[Open in a big fancy palace. The QUEEN MOTHER sits on her throne, wearing her blindingly sparkly crown. There is a gigantic banner behind her that says “Absolute Monarch.” There are three PAIGES in her midst, on of which looks queasy, considering he is holding n empty jumbo sack of mini hot dogs.]QUEEN MOTHER: Lovely day.
PAIGES: Yes, Queen Mother.QUEEN MOTHER: Has been ever since those two horribly and ugly kids were banished.
PAIGES: Yes, Queen Mother.QUEEN MOTHER: Makes me wonder if I shouldn’t go ahead and banish all the fat and ugly people.
PAIGES: Very good, Queen Mother.QUEEN MOTHER: Oh, if only there was a sign that would tell me to go ahead and do it.
[PAIGE THREE suddenly hurls on the floor. The other PAIGES move far, far away, then get the mop and bucket.]PAIGE THREE: I feel better now!
QUEEN MOTHER: I saw the sign! You there, now that you’ve evacuated the contents of your slimy stomach, go fetch me by decreeing glasses, then kindly go be banished.PAIGE THREE: Is it because I’m ugly?
QUEEN MOTHER: Somewhat, but that vomitrocious display just now pushed you over the edge. [shoos]PAIGE THREE: Right. I’ll just fetch your glasses for you and be on my way. [starts to walk off, then pauses, then turns back around] Wait a tick....hey! This isn’t fair! You’re banishing people solely on physical appearance! People can’t help their DNA or their unfortunate abundance of unpleasing aesthetics! Mark my works, I won’t stand for this! I’ll go off and plot and scheme against you, your kingdom, and all of your immediate descendants!
QUEEN MOTHER: ...but you’re still leaving?PAIGE THREE: Yes.
QUEEN MOTHER: Neat.PAIGE THREE: You are so getting the vengeance of...EL GIGANTE ABRIGO!!! [EXIT]
QUEEN MOTHER: What a stupid name.[END SCENE]
ACT I, SCENE III
[Open in what appears to be a very modern food court. Everything is chrome. TWITCH and FATSO are eating some mini hot dogs.]AUDIENCE: What is it with this playwright and mini hot dogs?
PLAYWRIGHT: I LIKE THEM OKAY!!!!!FATSO: I think being banished is like, the best thing to ever happen to us.
TWITCH: Totally. Pass the mustard.FATSO: [passes the mustard] So, like, there’s air hockey and rollerblades at the Y. Wanna go do stuff?
TWITCH: Yeah, but don’t we have to wait an hour after eating or something...?FATSO: Nah, that’s just swimming, mate.
TWITCH: I dunno...seems like it’s any moderately exertive physical activity that we should wait for.FATSO: Now see here, you don’t know anything. You know that?
TWITCH: No.FATSO: Well, you don’t, and you also have big b–oh, hey, look. Someone else must have been banished.
[EL GIGANTE ABRIGO, formerly known as PAIGE THREE, enters]FATSO AND TWITCH: Wasssuuup?
EL GIGANTE ABRIGO: Hey, fellas. How are things?FATSO AND TWITCH: Things are neat. How are your things?
EL GIGANTE ABRIGO: I don’t have any things. I was banished. Hey, wanna help me get vengeance on the Queen Mother and all of her immediate descedants?FATSO AND TWITCH: Would we?!
[A long pause]EL GIGANTE ABRIGO: Well...would you?
FATSO: Um...I dunno. I mean, before I was banished I had to live in a tiny closet with a rat as my only friend and he always told stories about the “good old days” when all respectable rats carried bubonic plague. He was constantly complaining about being to clean and non-diseased to be a real rat.TWITCH: Bloody depressing rat, wasn’t he?
FATSO: Yeah...’cept he was a squirrel.EL GIGANTE ABRIGO: That’s the dumbest story I’ve ever heard. Nevertheless, you must be my loyal compadres in the battle for...uh...ugly people’s rights.
FATSO: “The Pretty is Petty Brigade!”TWITCH: Wait...a brigade is three or more battalions. And battalions have four or more companies, which are made of two or more platoons, which are made of two or more squads, which are made of two or more sections, which have 4-12 soldiers. We’re not even a section.
FATSO: “The Pretty is Petty One Less than a Section!”[Enter a middle-aged employee of the food court. Yes, uniform and a silly hat with a straw included. He looks about thirty five but still has acne.]
OLD PIMPLY WORKER: I’ll join you! [heroic pose]EL GIGANTE ABRIGO: Uh...cool.
OLD PIMPLY WORKER: I just got fired and – [realizes he’s still wearing the hat and throws it on the floor and stomps on it]MANAGER [from off-stage] Heh! That’s company property! You owe twenty-two fifty!
OLD PIMPLY WORKER: ...I really should have quit a long time ago, but there’s this plasma TV at Best By and I was so close and...
[Everyone stares blankly]OLD PIMPLY WORKER: ...well, anyway. I was fired because they said the customers found me to be unattractive and thwarted the dining process! So when I heard you talking, I just had to come and join your rebellion.
EL GIGANTE: Er, that’s “vengeance.” Plus we’re against the Queen Mother, not your boss.OLD PIMPLY WORKER: Even better! We can strike society and proclaim our message–
ALL: “Pretty is Petty!”TWITCH: Now we have enough to be a section!
[END SCENE]ACT I, SCENE VI
[Open in the Palace. There’s a very long line of unpretty people being reviewed and banished by the judging QUEEN MOTHER and her loyal PAIGES. A squat, fat little woman much resembling a pug dog is standing in front of the line. That means it’s her turn, of course.]PUG-DOG LADY: Pweese, pweese don’t banish me! I have a family and two dogs and a stove and some uncooked radishes and a TV and–
QUEEN MOTHER: Silence! You are banished for many reasons! One, you use the word “pweese” even though you’re way too old! Two, you ramble on about your boring possessions, and three, because I just don’t like you. BEGONEWITHYOUUU![Two giant guards haul the PUG-DOG LADY away]
QUEEN MOTHER: Fantastic. This Kingdom will be rid of unprettiness in no time. Hm...perhaps I’ll decree to banish all ugly babies, as well. Then again, some of them may grow into pretty people, but do I want to take that risk in case they stay ugly...oh, such a dilemma[Enter the PRINCESS. She looks very indignant as she makes her way through the crowd of unpretty people.]
PRINCESS: This is horrible, mother! It’s very unfair to banish people on account of their looks! It’s rude, it’s sexist, chauvinistic, hedonistic, bulemic, and slightly quixotic!RANDOM UGLY PERSON IN LINE: You sorta remind me of Jessie from Saved By the Bell.
PRINCESS: I’m much prettier than her!RANDOM UGLY PERSON IN LINE: But you were just talking about how the pretty thing is unfair and–
PRINCESS: –So anyway! Mother, I insist that you stop at once or me, my young Lady-In-Waiting and my middle-aged Lady-In-Waiting shall go on a hunger strike...indefinitely!QUEEN MOTHER: Very well. You’re getting a bit thick in the thighs, anyway, dear.
PRINCESS: Oh, how you tax me so, mother.QUEEN MOTHER: Hey. The Broke People’s Rebellion made me repeal those taxes.
PRINCESS: [facepalm] Okay, off to go on the hunger strike. Oh, and what time is dinner?QUEEN MOTHER: 7:30
PRINCESS: I won’t be there!QUEEN MOTHER: They dog will certainly get a healthy helping tonight, then.
PRINCESS: You banished the dog.QUEEN MOTHER: No, that was the pug-dog looking lady. Our dog is a stunning grey hount. Best In Show with a million dollar contract with Pedigree.™
PRINCESS: Oh. Well, that’s neat. I’m off to starve! [EXIT]QUEEN MOTHER: Oh, I do wish she was ugly so I could banish her, too.
PAIGES: Very good, Queen Mother.[END SCENE]
ACT I, SCENE V
[Open in the huge field of flowers. Poppies! TWITCH, FATSO, OLD PIMPLY WORKER and EL GIGANTE ABRIGO are walking across it. OLD PIMPLY WORKER is humming “Battle Hymn of the Republic,” TWITCH is humming “Here Comes the Bride,” FATSO is humming the Oscar Mayer Weiner Song, and EL GIGANTE ABRIGO is humming “Tijuana Taxi”]OLD PIMPLY WORKER: Okay, stop, stop, stop. We should be humming the same song. We are a Section.
TWITCH: When did he become the leader?OLD PIMPLY WORKER: Because you never questioned it.
TWITCH. Oh. Why?OLD PIMPLY WORKER: Right. So, what should be our marching song?
FATSO: More like ambling song.OLD PIMPLY WORKER: Whatever. Should be something brave and heroic and threatening to our enemies!
FATSO: Am I the only one reminded of that Talking Heads song out here?TWITCH: Dude, totally.
OLD PIMPLY WORKER: Ya’ll are dorks.[Funky interlude to the song begins. They keep walking for a while, then FATSO and TWITCH sing along.]
TWITCH AND FATSO: THERE WAS A SHOPPING MALL–EL GIGANTE ABRIGO: NOW IT’S ALL COVERED WITH FLOWERS!
OLD PIMPLY WORKER: TONE IT DOOOWN!TWITCH AND FATSO: If this is paradise–
EL GIGANTE ABRIGO: I wish I had a lawn mower!OLD PIMPLY WORKER: Oy to the vey.
[END SCENE]ACT II, SCENE I
[Open in the PRINCESS’ room. She is smelling an empty bag of Doritos. Her two ladies-in-waiting are sitting, looking quite exasperated. Sophie, the younger one, and Gloria, the middle-aged one.]PRINCESS: Oh, I’m so dreadfully hungry! How long has it been?
LADY-IN-WAITING GLORIA: [checks watch] Twenty-two minutes, highness.PRINCESS: You’ve got to be kidding! It feels like years!
LADY-IN-WAITING SOPHIE: Perhaps if you put down the chip bag, highness.PRINCESS: Yes...I suppose that might make it less miserable. [throws bag away]
LADY-IN-WAITING GLORIA: If I may ask...why are you so passionate about the ugly-people’s rights?PRINCESS: Because it’s a good cause and they’re people, too!
LADY-IN-WAITING GLORIA: .......PRINCESS: ...it also looks good on my college application....
LADY-IN-WAITING SOPHIE: You can put those on your college application? All right! I’m going to get into Harvard on my Bathe the Whales marches alone!LADY-IN-WAITING GLORIA: ...more like your “bathe my family” marches.
LADY-IN-WAITING SOPHIE: I want to pinch you so hard right now.PRINCESS: [eyes glaze over]
LADY-IN-WAITING GLORIA: Right...hm, I do love this curtain fabric.PRINCESS: You know what I just realized?
LADY-IN-WAITING SOPHIE: What?PRINCESS: My life is really boring.
LADY-IN-WAITING SOPHIE: Oh yes, that. Well, you're a bloody princess. You can have fun if you want.PRINCESS: Let’s go do something exciting!
LADY-IN-WAITING: Air hockey?AUDIENCE: What is it with this playwright and air hockey?
PLAYWRIGHT: I LIKE IT OKAY!!!!PRINCESS: No, no. There might be food there. Ooh, ooh, I’ve got it! We can go visit some of the banished ugly people.
LADY-IN-WAITING SOPHIE: Beg pardon? [looks disgusted]PRINCESS: Yes! We’ll go to visit the banished unpretty folk and get real-life experience for our cause.
LADY-IN-WAITING GLORIA: It is just your cause, highness.PRINCESS: Yes, well, you have to come with me either way. Okay, so that’s what we’re doing! [heads out the door]
LADY-IN-WAITING SOPHIE: Wait! I have to use the ladies’ room!PRINCESS: You can do that on the trip. Now come on!
AUDIENCE: Why is no one ever allowed to use the bathroom in this playwright’s plays?PLAYWRIGHT: SHUT UP! [represses]
[PRINCESS, LADY-IN-WAITING SOPHIE and LADY-IN-WAITING Gloria EXIT][END SCENE]
ACT II, SCENE II
[When last we saw protagonist group A, they were making teir way through the field of flowers. Poppies! And they were singing that Talking Heads song. They’re still doing that.]FATSO: This was a Pizza Hut!
TWITCH: Now it’s all covered with daisies!FATSO: You got it, you g-
OLD PIMPLY WORKER: Argh! Stop! I can’t take it anymore! I’m middle-aged!TWITCH: This is your time-period music, man.
OLD PIMPLY WORKER: Yeah, but I was always a BeeGees man.FATSO: We can do that!
TWITCH: Ah ah ah ah stayin’ alive!OLD PIMPLY WORKER: [boogies down]
[From a mystic far away land–the sky–a beautiful fairy watches from a magical telescope, tsk-tsking.]FABULOUS FAIRY: Oh, it keeps getting sadder and sadder! That poor quarter comprising protagonist group A! They’re so ugly that they’ll never accomplish anything. And that is simply the worst head spinning I’ve ever seen! Woe. I should help them.
[Puts telescope away and flies around in the sky, thinking out loud.]FABULOUS FAIRY: Oh, what do do, what to do? There’s that flaming bus of orphans about to go over a cliff, and the ugly banished Section. Bollucks, I’ve always had a hard time making decisions. Life or ugliness....life or uglinesss...hmm, hmm. [takes telescope out again][
FABULOUS FAIRY: Ooh! Looks like the orphans have already gone over the cliff. Ugly Section it is, then![Flies to a random spot in the sky and pulls out a bottle of thick, yellow, bubbly liquid.]
FABULOUS FAIRY: This super magic pretty potion will turn those lumps into hunks! Shame it tastes like Satan, but that’s the price you must pay for beauty![Pulls out wand and poofs away.]
[END SCENE]ACT II, SCENE III
[TWITCH, FATSO, OLD PIMPLY WORKER, and EL GIGANTE ABRIGO are just making their way to the front of the palace. But wait...they’re GORGEOUS! But how? Soon to be explained in the following dialogue.]OLD PIMPLY WORKER: [poking his face] And no blackheads here, not a single cyst there...
FATSO: Look at my abs! I didn’t know I had any!EL GIGANTE ABRIGO: My distinguished facial hair makes me feel very manly!
TWITCH: I look good![Suddenly the PRINCESS, LADY-IN-WAITING SOPHIE and LADY-IN-WAITING GLORIA burst out of the palace gates.]
LADY-IN-WAITING SOPHIE: Oh...hello...[blushes] PRINCESS: Excuse me, but have any of you incredibly sexy fellows been here long? Because you may have seen where some banished folks went. I believe one called himself Picante Parka or something like that.EL GIGANTE ABRIGO :Er...that’s me.
PRINCESS: You? B-but you can’t be. You’re supposed to be ugly! I don’t have a cause for my ugly people’s hunger strike if you’re going to look like that!EL GIGANTE: Well I only just started looking like this.
FATSO: The Fabulous Fairy gave us a magic potion that tasted like Satan and now we’re SEXY!TWITCH: [coughs]ripoff[coughs]
LADY-IN-WAITING SOPHIE: So...you all used to be ugly but now you’re hella sexy?OLD PIMPLY WORKER: That’s right.
LADY-IN-WAITING GLORIA: My, my, you certainly are a middle aged hunk. Break me off a piece of that!OLD PIMPLY WORKER: Which piece?
LADY-IN-WAITING GLORIA: [stares]PRINCESS: [sighs] Fine. I’ll just go find some of the other banished uglies.
EL GIGANTE ABRIGO: Oh, they’re all sexy now, too. The Fabulous Fairy saw the hideious strife and was overwhelmed with compassionate disgust, so she gave everyone some nasty yellow Satan-tasting potion, too!PRINCESS: YAY! [runs to the nearest Taco Bell to pig out]
TWITCH: Well, that certainly indicates her commitment.EL GIGANTE ABRIGO: Okay...uh, right. Let’s get unbanished from the Kingdom because we’re dead sexey now.
TWITCH AND FATSO: WOOT!OLD PIMPLY WORKER and LADY-IN-WAITING GLORIA [are making out in the bushes]
LADY-IN-WAITING SOPHIE: She’s always doing that. And I learned from her! [pounces on FATSO]TWITCH: Dude, why didn’t we get chicks?
EL GIGANTE ABRIGO: There’s something better awaiting us in the kingdom, methinks.TWITCH: I hope those things are in bikinis.
[END SCENE]ACT II, SCENE VI
[Open in the palace. There’s no one there except for the Queen Mother and the PAIGES. They have banished all ugly people from the Kingdom, and they made up 95% of the population. The pretty people are all at the gym or at home admiring their mirror.]QUEEN MOTHER: Oh, it is quite boring without anyone around to repress, ugly or pretty. Le sigh.
PAIGES: [monotone] Shall we perform Act II of Othello for you, Queen Mother.QUEEN MOTHER: [sigh] No, no. You’re horrible at it. In fact...you’re not very pretty, either one of you. That’s it, you’re ban–
[Enter EL GIGANTE ABRIGO, TWITCH, dragging FATSO and OLD PIMPLY WORKER, who are covered in lipstick and look disheveled and annoyed. They approach the throne of the surprised QUEEN MOTHER]TWITCH: What’s uuup.
QUEEN MOTHER: [stares]EL GIGANTE ABRIGO: I’m sure you don’t recognize us, but we were of the first to be banished on the basis of ugliness. It is I, EL GIGANTE ABRIGO!
QUEEN MOTHER: [gasps] It can’t be you! You’re so...so...too sexy for your shirt!EL GIGANTE ABRIGO: Hey, that’s right, I am! [rips shirt off] Yes, fantastic. But I do not jest! I used to be the unattractive Paige of yours whom you banished all those two and a half hours ago! And I’m back and beautiful, as are the fat kid and that kid who insulted you and was also unattractive.
OLD PIMPLY WORKER: Ahem.EL GIGANTE ABRIGO: And this guy who got fired for being ugly somewhere else and just wanted to join the vengeance.
QUEEN MOTHER: So...you’re all pretty and therefore superior beings and want back into the Kingdom?FATSO: You betcha.
TWITCH: Boy howdy.OLD PIMPLY WORKER: Darn tootin’.
QUEEN MOTHER: Well of course! You can all come back in! You’re nice to look at so there’s no problem with your existence.TWITCH: Even though I insulted your ferret?
QUEEN MOTHER: He does use too much hair gel, I can’t deny it. Yes, you too.EVERYONE: Yay! We’re good looking!
PAIGE TWO: [hurls spontaneously]QUEEN MOTHER: BANISHED!
[END SCENE]ACT II, SCENE V
[Open in the palace. All the formerly ugly citizens are now beautiful and unbanished, frolicking and drinking Perrier in pretty jubilation.]QUEEN MOTHER: Now this is a society!
EL GIGANTE ABRIGO: Look at mah sexeh bodeh!TWITCH: I love bikinis!
FATSO: Yeah, they breath nice!TWITCH: Could you maybe lay off the thongs, there, man?
EL GIGANTE ABRIGO: [is lounging with a tropical drink and a bag of mini hot dogs in all his sexiness] There’s no way life could be better than this. Everyone should be pretty to be happy. I wish I had never been ugly, because that’s the worst possible thing to be. [contented sigh]AUDIENCE: OUTRAGEDISGUST!!! Worst. Moral. Ever!
PLAYWRIGHT: SHUT UP! IT’S NOT OVER YET!AUDIENCE: eep.
[A giant foot of an ugly person crushes the entire kingdom. They all die. The end.]